Cross talk sketch caring for the elderly

Line of the skit "Kung Fu"

Zhao Benshan: I heard that he is not a chef, but has switched to an anti-scam hotline. How dare he threaten to never be deceived again? The cruel reality has become clear. It forces my psychological defense. If I don’t sell him something this year, I won’t be able to fulfill the topic I promised for three years to the audience.

Apprentice 1: Master, go in!

Zhao: Don’t worry, make a harassing call first. (phone call) Got through. Hello!

Fan Wei: Hello. Here is the anti-scam consultation hotline to lend you a pair of eyes. I am Lao Fan, a senior scammer. With many years of scam experience, I can make a clear judgment on whether you have been scammed: if someone is selling abductions, please press 1; if someone is selling a car, please press 2; If someone has a brain teaser, please press 3; if someone sells a stretcher, just dial 110.

Zhao: Hello!

Fan: Hello!

Zhao: Are you Master Fan?

Fan: Who are you?

Zhao: I am... I have a question that I would like to ask you directly.

Fan: Well, you say.

Zhao: I have an old sow at home, with white flowers on the black ground. She opened the door in the morning and ran forward at a speed of 80 pulses per hour. She hit a tree and died. !

Fan: Killed? Is there something wrong with this pig’s eyesight?

Zhao: Both eyes are 1.5.

Fan: Do you have any mental illness?

Zhao: Is your mental health healthy?

Fan: How could you be killed?

Zhao: That pig’s brain doesn’t know how to make sharp turns!

Fan: I said you don’t play by the rules! For brain teasers, you have to press 3! In that case, let me ask you a question.

Zhao: You said it.

Fan: It’s the Chinese New Year. Our family didn’t buy any new year’s goods, except for a pig and a donkey. Do you think I should kill the pig first or the donkey first?

Zhao: Then you kill first... (Talking to the apprentice) Give you two a chance.

Apprentice 1: Kill the donkey first.

Zhao: Kill the donkey first.

Fan: Congratulations, you got the answer right. The pig thinks so too.

Zhao: Sample! sorrow! It makes me feel so sad for you! Now that I am about to venture into the world alone, how can I feel at ease?

Apprentice 2: Master, just kill the pig first.

Zhao: That donkey thinks so too! Let me tell you, on this issue, it won't work if you kill whoever you first. Why didn't I answer? Just because I think about it is problematic. Did you see it? He has grown from being a muscle at both ends to being blocked at both ends!

Apprentice 1: Master, he is so powerful, let’s go back!

Zhao: Can’t go back! Selling crutches deceived him into lameness; selling cars deceived him into becoming weak; if he is not dealt with within ten minutes, I will no longer be able to be a teacher with you two.

The disciples all said: The master brought me in, it’s just me who is fooling me!

Zhao: OK. Just follow my cues and go in! He's so beautiful!

Apprentice: Excuse me, is Master Fan here?

Fan: Who? I'd like to ask you for advice... (Looking at Zhao) Oops! oops! ah! ah! ah! ...What kind of look is this? Quite unique! Very 6 7? ! How did the all-powerful liar end up in this situation? Heaven, earth, is it the angel sister who gave me this tone? The pig hit the tree, did you hit the pig? It was a rear-end collision, right? Why did it change to three again?

Zhao: It’s been three years and I’ve missed you so much.

Fan: Flirting!

Zhao: I am here to confess to you.

Fan: Go ahead and cheat!

Zhao: My apprentice is the witness.

Fan: They formed a group to fool me. It's not easy to use, it's a huge scam.

As long as we kind people are more vigilant towards you, what else will you do? A few brain teasers coming soon? There is one monkey on the ground and seven monkeys on the tree. These are two monkeys, or maybe eight monkeys.

Zhao: Maybe three monkeys, maybe nine monkeys.

Fan: Why has it changed again?

Zhao: A monkey is pregnant.

Fan: Is it interesting?

Zhao: Boring. I'm not here to give you a brainteaser in the early stage. I'm here to apologize to you as a gift. For three years, the person I feel most sorry for in this world is Chef Fan. What a nice guy. I often tell you, why do you think I lied to him? How loyal and honest you are, you say something about me, you hit me twice, but you can't do it. You scold me a few words, but you can't open your mouth. In this way, anyway, I will come if you forgive me, and if you don’t forgive me, I will come. If you forgive me or not, I will come with sincerity.

Fan: Yeah yeah! Still blowing. You see, cheating, hey, keep cheating.

Zhao: Help me up.

Fan: Can you stand up? Yeah yeah yeah. Go, take two steps. Take two steps, come, go. Hey, is that blackmail? Is it blackmail? Everyone is watching. Whatever accident happens has nothing to do with me. Why are you always hanging lanterns? Do you always stand up? If you have anything to do, please tell me quickly, okay?

Zhao: Do ??you want to hear it?

Fan: I want to hear it.

Zhao: Do ??you believe it after listening to it?

Fan: I will believe you as long as you stand up.

Zhao: Then withdraw, I can stand up.

Fan: Humph, tell me.

Zhao: It’s a long story. I remember it was the first snow in 2003, which was a little later than the one in 2002.

Fan: What are you doing with the lyrics? If you have anything to say, please tell me directly.

Zhao: I won’t play tricks with you anymore. I am here to apologize to you today.

Zhao: Loading the goods! Does it look familiar?

Fan: Is this the hundreds of dollars you defrauded me of?

Fan: Not a penny was moved.

Fan: Which watch is this?

Zhao: When you wear it on your hand, there is no sign of it.

Fan: This, brother----

Zhao: The grudge between the two of us should be settled, right? And it, this wheelchair is the culprit that has delayed the relationship between the two of us in the past few years. Today I have to smash it in front of you.

Apprentice: Master, you can’t smash it. Master, this wheelchair is a testimony that your two brothers are getting back together.

Zhao: Don’t talk nonsense, I can’t pull me away.

Apprentice: Master, ouch, Master!

Fan: Brother, if you want to hit me, just hit me. Brother, you are so sincere! The children are right, it is not only a testimony of our reconciliation, but also a warning for me to avoid being fooled in the future. I have collected it.

Zhao: No, the students paid me to make it, how can you collect it?

Fan: Okay, I’ll give you more money.

Zhao: How much did it cost?

Apprentice: Two thousand.

Fan: Me, two thousand.

Zhao: I’ll give you two thousand and five.

Fan: Me, three thousand.

Zhao: Me, three thousand and five.

Fan: I have four thousand.

Zhao: I have five thousand.

Fan: Deal.

Zhao: You are Chef Fan. Hey hey.

Fan: You shouted five thousand, I won’t, it’s a deal!

Zhao: That’s not right. You remembered it wrong. Why did you shout?

Sheng: I heard it was Chef Fan who shouted.

Fan: What, what?

Student: No, the master shouted.

Zhao: It’s a mess. That's it, it doesn't matter who shouts. You see, let's take a look, it's a bit chaotic, who shouted first?

Fan: I shouted first.

Zhao: How much did you shout?

Fan: Me, two thousand.

Zhao: Me, two thousand and five.

Fan: Three thousand.

Zhao: Three thousand and five.

Fan: Four thousand.

Zhao: Four thousand and five.

Fan: Five thousand.

Zhao: Look, it’s clear.

Fan: Hey, it’s a bit messy, a bit messy.

Zhao: Do ??the math again.

Fan: Don’t talk to anyone. I’ll figure it out myself.

Zhao: You just messed up on your own.

Fan: Stop talking, two thousand, two thousand and five, three thousand, three thousand and five, four thousand, four thousand and five, five thousand, hey

Zhao: Just wait. On the contrary, it was you who asked for two thousand.

Fan: Two thousand, two thousand five, three thousand.

Zhao: No.

Fan: Two thousand, two thousand and five, three thousand, three thousand and five, four thousand, four thousand and five, five thousand.

Zhao: Yes.

Fan: Oops.

Sheng: I remembered wrongly, it was you who shouted.

Fan: No, no, brother, after I shout four thousand, you can just shout five thousand, right?

Audience: Yes!

Zhao: That’s it, it’s a mess. Since we brothers, you agree to collect it, let’s shout it again, right? Let’s understand who is shouting these five thousand. What's the starting price?

Born: two thousand.

Fan: Me, two thousand.

Zhao: (falling vertebrae) Deal! No more chaos this time.

Fan: Are you going to stop shouting?

Zhao: I’m afraid of causing chaos again.

Sheng: It was you who shouted this time.

Fan: Hey, okay, don’t move, don’t move, this wheelchair is mine, don’t move, I’ll pay you, two thousand.

Zhao: Brother, logically you shouldn’t ask for money, but you want face, and you want face, right? It shouldn't matter what you want, but it's not your character not to give it.

Fan: I was fooled if I gave it to you.

Zhao: Fooled? Let me tell you, at all, I didn’t think about it at the beginning...

Fan: I snatched it instead.

Zhao: You have misunderstood. I want to ask you for...

Fan: Stop pretending. From the moment you entered the room, you used the trick of suffering and playing hard to get. Master The gangster cooperated with the plan to smash the car, and the plan to suddenly fall off the vertebrae in a daze, I only used one plan.

Zhao: Take advantage of the situation.

Fan: I’ll give you a trick.

Zhao: Walking is the best strategy.

Fan: No!

Zhao: It failed. Do you know why it failed? This chef doesn't read the recipe, but focuses on the art of war. Retreat!

Apprentice: (Xiang Fan) Master!

Fan: Hey, Master, Master

Zhao: What are you doing? Where are you kneeling? I am here, what are you two doing?

Apprentice: Master, I’m so sorry. Your IQ is too low for this bluff, and I can’t learn anything from you. What are you supposed to do? Go quickly. You won't be able to catch the No. 2 bus in a while.

Zhao: Oops!

Apprentice: The master is here, please bow to me!

Zhao: Oh my god, oh my god, this world is so crazy, even mice have become bridesmaids for cats, oh my god!

Apprentice: Master! Please accept us!

Fan: Hey, children, there is no cliff in the sea of ??suffering, but when you turn around, you just have to learn well. It is the Chinese New Year, I will give you red envelopes, give you red envelopes.

Zhao: Sad, indeed sad. Can you two ask for this money? Didn't I pay you two wages last month? sorrow!

Fan: Come on, one for each person, keep it in hand.

Zhao: Sad

Apprentice: Master Xie

Fan: Oh, no, you’re welcome

Apprentice: Master, Master, Take it!

Zhao: Counter-treacherous plan.

Fan: Oh, it’s hard to guard against! But it’s a big liar, I don’t accept it.

You fool me, fool me, am I still in a wheelchair?

Zhao: What do you want?

Fan: What is your promise to the audience?

Zhao: What promise?

Fan: Where is your stretcher?

Zhao: Develop it yourself!

Fan: Hey!

Zhao: This is custom-made for you. If it is short, it can be lengthened.

Fan: Oops, you worked so hard for me. Thanks to my outsmarting you, I opened the red envelope. It’s the Chinese New Year, and I’d like to send you a couplet:

One year of turning around will bring about another year of destiny

Every time you go through a hardship, you will gain wisdom, thank you

Zhao: I’ll do it again Let me give you a horizontal review

Self-taught!

Crosstalk "Commercial" Qizhi Dingbing

Listen online:

/searchs.asp?stype=Musicamp; q=C5C4B9E3B8E6

Text:

Ding Bing: Some friends may know me. I am an agent of an advertising company. Ah, I have a lot of advertisements in my hands. Today I want to take up five minutes of your friends’ precious time. I’m going to shoot a wine advertisement here. Liuliangye! I didn't call this advertisement for ordinary people, I called for a star, Yang Qiqi. The actors are ready, the lighting and photography are all done in one go. Please cooperate. Ready to begin!

Drink the world’s best wines and make friends! Drink the best wine in the world and do somersaults in a car!

Soldier: Stop!

Qizhi: Who said stop?

Soldier: I shouted stop.

Qizhi: Hey, why did you stop?

Ding Bing: Celebrity.

Qizhi: Huh?

Dr. Bing: Didn’t you smash the brand of this wine? Let me tell you once.

Qizhi: Yeah.

Private: After you come up with this bottle of wine.

Qizhi: Yeah.

Dr. Bing: Looks like drunk but not drunk. Ah, say something to the camera.

Qizhi: Say something?

Ding Bing: Ever since I drank Liuliangye, I have been in good health and prosperous. Then you take a sip.

Qizhi: Yeah.

Soldier: Ah! Good wine! it's over.

Qizhi: It’s over.

GI: Okay.

Qizhi: Hehehehe.

Dr. Bing: It’s simple.

Qizhi: Such an uneducated advertisement.

Soldier: Come again, get ready, start.

Qizhi: Since I drank 666, I...

Ding Bing: Stop! Stop, this is going to cost lives. Liuliangye, again.

Qizhi: Ever since I drank Liuliangye, I have been in good health and prosperous!

Soldier: OK, drink. OK, talk.

Qizhi: Good pesticide! Ahhhh, where is the wine? sulfuric acid. Your tongue almost burned off. sulfuric acid!

Dr. Bing: Aren’t you talking nonsense?

Qizhi: Huh?

Dr. Bing: If I want good wine, what kind of advertisement will I ask you to do?

Qizhi: Use me as a cover!

Dr. Bing: Whoever uses you as a cover, didn’t I promise to give you 10,000 yuan?

Qizhi: How much is it?

Soldier: Ten thousand.

Qizhi: Ten thousand yuan?

Soldier: Quite a few.

Qizhi: Listen up, friends, I paid 10,000 yuan to make this fake wine advertisement. If something goes wrong, people will come to me. My father has taught me since I was a child to be an honest person. Be worthy of your own conscience, keep the 10,000 yuan and drink it yourself. I won’t do your advertisement anymore, the celebrity is gone!

Dr. Bing: Hahahaha, let’s discuss it. Twenty thousand!

Qizhi: How much?

Soldier: Twenty thousand!

Qizhi: Twenty thousand?

Dr. Bing: Hehehehe.

Qizhi: Put it there, put it there.

Ding Bing: Ouch, too...

Qizhi: Ouch, put it there. We won’t advertise fake wine for 20,000 yuan.

Dr. Bing: Ah, yes, yes.

Qizhi: Can you let me do some other advertising?

GI: Okay, okay, okay.

Qizhi: Yeah.

Dr. Bing: Well, are you a celebrity?

Qizhi: Yeah.

Dr. Bing: Well, 20,000, you make me a shampoo advertisement.

Qizhi: What shampoo?

Ding Bing: It’s called Guangyouliang shampoo.

Qizhi: It sounds a bit like shoe polish to me.

Dr. Bing: What kind of shoe polish?

Qizhi: Yeah.

GIB: New product.

Qizhi: new products.

Digital: Specialized in treating dandruff.

Qizhi: Oh, it’s for dandruff.

Digital: Hey, twenty thousand yuan, as long as you say a word to the camera.

Qizhi: This is not dangerous. I made this advertisement.

Dr. Bing: Okay?

Qizhi: It’s good to be a celebrity.

Private: Remember your lines.

Qizhi: Say a word and give me 20,000 yuan.

Dr. Bing: Don’t make a mistake.

Qizhi: Haha.

GI Bing: Before.

Qizhi: Yeah.

Digital: I have severe dandruff. So annoying, so annoying.

Qizhi: This sound is annoying.

Dr. Bing: Every time I take pictures of the white-haired girl in the group.

Qizhi: Yeah.

Private: When it starts to snow, ask me to climb to the roof.

Qizhi: How disgusting this advertisement is, look at it.

Ding Bing: Later, I tried the Guangyouliang brand shampoo.

Qizhi: Yeah.

Dr. Bing: A month later, a miracle happened.

Qizhi: Yeah.

Dr. Bing: It’s useless and there’s dandruff here.

Qizhi: Which side to use?

Soldier: I don’t even have my scalp!

Qizhi: Bah! You are still sulfuric acid, have you seen it?

Dr. Bing: Is that an exaggeration?

Qizhi: Sulfuric acid went into wine, and this time it went into shampoo. Let me tell you, I only have a piece of scalp. After washing it, the scalp is gone. What should I do if you come to me to compensate? My father has taught me since I was a child that I must be an honest person and live up to my own conscience. I won’t do this advertisement. I officially announce to you that the celebrity is gone. This is wrong, who brought me here?

Dr. Bing: This is called having money that can make you go crazy.

Qizhi: What do you mean?

Soldier: Forty thousand, how about it?

Qizhi: Forty thousand yuan?

GIB: Yeah.

Qizhi: My father said so.

GIB: Yeah.

Qizhi: Forty thousand yuan.

Digital: Do you want to do it or not?

Qizhi: It’s worthy of your conscience.

Digital: Thank you so much, dad.

Qizhi: I would be a fool if I didn’t do this. I’ll give you 40,000 yuan.

Ding Bing: It is impossible for Shi Wan to do an advertisement of this level.

Qizhi: What kind of advertisement?

Ding Bing: Make a high-end drug advertisement.

Qizhi: What medicine?

Ding Bing: It’s called cleverness and joy.

Qizhi: Are you happy with your cleverness? Cure something?

Digital soldiers: specializing in two hundred and five.

Qizhi: There is a cure for this.

Dr. Bing: Eating people makes you smart.

Qizhi: Becoming smarter?

Dr. Bing: There is only one requirement for 40,000 yuan.

Qizhi: What are the requirements?

Dr. Bing: From now on, you stand on the stage.

Qizhi: Yeah.

Dr. Bing: Every time you say a word, the words "smart and happy" come out to me.

Qizhi: Don’t worry, I have 40,000 yuan as the bottom line. I can even utter these words in my sleep.

Dr. Bing: If you don’t remember anything, I won’t give you the money.

Qizhi: Don’t worry.

Private: Try it once.

Qizhi: Come here.

Dr. Bing: Every sentence must be included.

Qizhi: Friends 250 is a chronic disease of mankind.

GI: Yes.

Qizhi: Hundreds of millions of people suffer from the poison of 250 every year.

Soldier: This two hundred and fifty is so serious.

Qizhi: Two hundred and five are happy.

Dr. Bing: Be happy with your cleverness.

Qizhi: I let you make trouble with those two hundred and fifty.

Dr. Bing: What a celebrity.

Qizhi: Being clever and happy is the nemesis of Two Hundred and Five.

GI: Yes.

Qizhi: Of course, smart people should enjoy themselves.

Ding Bing: Smart Dele, have you eaten today?

Qizhi: Smart and happy, our whole family loves to eat it.

Digital: I believe in recommendations from celebrities.

Qizhi: Eat smart and be happy. He is good, and so am I.

Ding Bing: Youth has not failed.

Qizhi: Be smart and have fun, show yourself. How about it?

Ding Bing: Yes, yes, the famous comedian Yang Weigui will tell you a tongue twister below.

Qizhi: Tell a tongue twister.

Ding Bing: Every sentence should be filled with wisdom and joy. How about it?

Qizhi: It’s not easy to earn 40,000 yuan.

GIB: Yeah.

Qizhi: It is said that a lama came from the south.

Dr. Bing: Oh?

Qizhi: I am happy to be smart with five kilograms in my hand. A mute came from the north, and the rest of his body was also very smart. A lama who is happy with his intelligence must exchange his happiness with intelligence for the happiness of a mute who is not happy with his intelligence. A mute who is happy by being smart is not willing to exchange the happiness of being smart for the happiness of a lama who is happy by being smart. He picked up the lama who was happy with his cleverness and hit the dumb lama who was happy with his cleverness. The mute said.

Private: Mute?

Qizhi: I said the mute has to say something but cannot say it out loud. The mute thought to himself, what you take is also a joy to be clever, and what I take is also a joy to be clever. What else would the two of us exchange? We are a little over two hundred and fifty, so we might as well commit suicide by eating more and being smart.

Dr. Bing: Great, great. Now let me tell you about Shandong Kuaishu.

Qizhi: Okay, what about Shandong Kuaishu? Aren’t you ruining art? You. Ah, a crosstalk actor came here to do this advertisement for you?

Dr. Bing: Okay, okay, I won’t let you speak this time.

Qizhi: You won’t let me speak?

Dr. Bing: Lest you get angry.

Qizhi: Then tell me.

Dr. Bing: I’ll just take a photo for you.

Qizhi: Take a photo?

Ding Bing: From now on, you will be the image spokesperson of Smart Dele.

Qizhi: I am the image ambassador.

Ding Bing: Okay, I have already thought about the slogan for the photo.

Qizhi: What slogan?

Dr. Bing: I’m so smart that I’m so happy. Hey, do you think I’ll pay you back two hundred and five?

Qizhi: OK.

Dr. Bing: Okay?

Qizhi: What do you think of this 40,000 yuan, haha.

Soldier: Hey, come on.

Qizhi: Take a photo.

Dr. Bing: I’ll give it to you after the photo is taken.

Come on...what are you doing with 40,000 yuan? You are too stiff.

Qizhi: Too stiff.

Private: Relax.

Qizhi: Relax a little.

Dr. Bing: Okay...you are a second-rate guy.

Qizhi: You make me relax.

Dr. Bing: Be more serious, be more serious. Stand still.

Qizhi: Be serious.

GI: Yes. Lift your head, raise it a little higher, are you smart? A little taller, a little taller, smarter.

Qizhi: Are you killing chickens?

Dr. Bing: Why kill the chicken? You are born with a flaw.

Qizhi: What are my flaws?

Private: The neck is too short.

Qizhi: There’s nothing I can do about it, I was born with a short neck.

GI: So be it.

Qizhi: What should we do?

Dr. Bing: Let me make it up to you.

Qizhi: Make up for it.

Private: Bring a scarf.

Qizhi: Let me tell you, I don’t advertise toilet paper! ! This toilet paper, this is.

Private: What toilet paper? From a distance, my friends saw that it was just a scarf. Besides, my photo is frosted, who can tell?

Qizhi: Give me 40,000 yuan, and you can surround me.

Soldier: Okay, lift your feet, lift them up, keep this foot well, and lift that foot as well. I forgot you only have two legs.

Qizhi: How are you talking?

Dr. Bing: Okay, raise your hands and head, be happy, and say the slogan.

Qizhi: I’m so smart that I’m so happy. Hey, do you think I’m paying back two hundred and five? I feel like I’m still two hundred and five!