A collection of humorous stories in Chinese and English

He won Tommy: How's your little brother, Johnny? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He hurt himself. Tommy: That's too bad. How did that happen? Johnny: We played the game "Who can lean out of the window" and he won. Tom: Johnny, how is your little brother? Johnny: He is ill in bed. He's hurt. Tom: That's too bad. What happened? Johnny: We played a game to see who could lean furthest out of the window, and he won. His ear is in my pocket. Ivan came home with a bloody nose. His mother asked, "What happened?" "A child bit me," Ivan replied. "Can you recognize him if you see him again?" His mother asked. "I know where he is," Ivan said. "His ears are in my pocket." His ear is in my pocket, and Ivan came home with a nosebleed. His mother asked, "What's the matter?" "A boy bit me," Ivan said. "Can you recognize him when you see him again?" Mom asked. "I can recognize him wherever he goes," Ivan said. "His ears are still in my pocket." Good boy Robert Jr. asked his mother for a penny. "What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday?" "I gave it to a poor old woman," he answered. "You are a good boy," mother said proudly. "There are 0 cents here. But why are you so interested in that old woman? " "She is a candy seller." "Good boy Robert asked his mother for two cents." What did you do with the money I gave you yesterday? ""I gave it to a poor old woman, "he replied." "You're a good boy," mom proudly said, giving you two cents. But why are you so interested in that old lady? ""She sells sweets. One day, a father and his little son were drunk and were about to go home. At this age, boys are interested in all kinds of things and always ask questions. Now, he asked, "Dad, what does the word' drunk' mean? "Oh, my son," his father replied, "look, there is a policeman standing there. If I think there are four policemen, then I am drunk. "But, Dad," said the boy, "there is only one policeman! One day, the father was drunk and took his youngest son home. The child is at the age of being interested in everything and always has endless questions. He asked his father, "Dad, what does the word' drunk' mean? "Well, son," the father replied, "Look, there are two policemen standing there. If I see that there are four of them, then I am drunk. "But, Dad," said the child, "there is only one policeman there! The hostess apologized to her unexpected guest because she served the apple pie without cheese. The little boy in this family quietly left the room for a while and came back with a piece of cheese and put it on the guest's plate. The guest smiled, put the cheese in his mouth and said, "Son, your eyes are definitely better than your mother's. Where did you find the cheese? "In the rat trap, sir," the boy replied. When the guests were eating apple pie, there was no cheese at home, and the hostess apologized to everyone. The little boy in this family left home quietly. After a while, he returned to his room with a piece of cheese and put it on the guest's plate. The guest smiled and put the cheese in his mouth and said, "Son, your eyes are just better than your mother's. Where did you find the cheese? " "On the mousetrap, sir." The little boy said. Last Friday, I wore an Adidas dress to play ball. An American laughed at me after seeing it and said, "Do you know what this means? It means I dream about sex all day. I've been thinking about sex all day. The abbreviation is Adidas. "I was surprised at his quick response. When he was so rich in associations, an old beauty next to him helped me out. He said that there is a famous choir Korn, and one of their signature songs is A.D.I.D.A.S (Dreaming about sex all day. It's your turn to make fun of America next time. Good news and bad news! An artist asked the gallery owner if anyone was interested in his current paintings. "I have good news and bad news," the boss replied. The good news is that a gentleman asked about your work and wondered if it would appreciate after your death. When I told him I would, he bought all your 15 paintings. " "That's great! The artist exclaimed, "What's the bad news? ".With concern, the gallery owner copied," That guy is your doctor. "An artist asked the gallery owner if anyone had been interested in his paintings recently." "There is good news and bad news," the boss replied. The good news is that a gentleman asked about your works, and he wanted to know whether your paintings would appreciate after your death. I told him that your paintings would appreciate, so he bought all your 15 paintings. ""Great, "the artist was beaming." What is the bad news? The gallery owner replied in a caring tone, "The person who bought this painting is your doctor." "Jim and Mary are both patients in a mental hospital. One day, while they were walking by the hospital swimming pool, Jim suddenly jumped into the deep water area. He sank to the bottom. Mary immediately jumped down to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out. When the medical director realized Mary's heroic behavior, he immediately checked her file and called her to his office. Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is that you are leaving the hospital, because since you can jump in and save another patient's life, I think you have come to your senses. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in the bathroom with a bathrobe belt. He is dead. " Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself. I hung him to dry. "Jim and Mary are both patients in a mental hospital. One day, they walked along the hospital swimming pool. Jim suddenly jumped into the deep water of the swimming pool, and he sank to the bottom. Mary jumped down at once to save him. She dived into the water and pulled Jim up. When the dean heard of Mary's heroic behavior, he immediately looked through her medical records and called her to his office. Mary, I have good news and bad news for you. "The good news is that you can jump into the water to save other patients, which means that your consciousness has been restored and you can leave the hospital. The bad news is that Jim, the patient you saved, hanged himself in the bathroom with a bathrobe belt. " Mary said, "He didn't kill himself. I hung him up to dry. " What I said is really effective. Tom has the problem of getting up late in the morning and is always late for work. His boss was very dissatisfied with him and threatened to fire him if he didn't resign. He did not take any measures. So Tom went to see a doctor. The doctor gave him a pill and told him to take it before going to bed. Tom slept well. In fact, he woke up earlier than the alarm clock in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove happily to work. "Boss," he said, "the pills really worked!" "That's good," said the boss, "but where were you yesterday?" Tom can't get up in the morning, so he is always late for work. His boss was very angry and warned him to fire him if he didn't improve. So Tom went to see a doctor. The doctor gave him a pill and told him to take it before going to bed. Tom did as the doctor said and slept well. In fact, he got up before the alarm clock rang in the morning. Tom had a leisurely breakfast and then drove happily to work. "Boss," said Tom, "this medicine really worked. I slept well! " "It worked," said the boss. "The question is, where were you yesterday? Rebirth after death "Do you believe in life after death? "The boss asked one of his employees." Yes, sir. "The recruit replied," Well, then, everything is fine, "the boss continued. After you left for your grandmother's funeral tomorrow morning, she came to see you. "Do you believe that people can be reborn after death?" The boss asked one of his employees. I believe it, sir. The employee who just started working replied. Oh, that's good. The boss continued. "After you left work early yesterday to attend your grandmother's funeral, her old man came to see you." A young man who just started his own company. He rented a beautiful office and decorated it with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man walk into the outside office. In order to act like a big shot, businessman Ann picked up the phone and began to pretend that he had a big business to do. He throws huge numbers everywhere and makes huge restrictions. Finally, he hung up the phone and asked the visitor, "Can I help you?" The man said, "Yes, I must activate your telephone line." A young man's company has just opened. He rented a beautiful office and decorated it with antiques. On this day, the young man was sitting in the office. He saw a man walk into the office. In order to show that he is a successful boss, the young businessman picked up the phone and pretended to be talking about big business. Zhang Qian 300 million to 500 million, as soon as you turn off the phone, you will say that everything is done, no problem! Finally, when the call was over, the young man hung up the receiver and asked the person who came in, "What can I do for you?" The man said, "Yes, I've come to call you." You can marry any one of them. One day, a girl came home with her boyfriend and told her father that she wanted to marry him. After talking with him for a while, he told his daughter that she couldn't do this because he was her half-brother. The same problem happened more than four times! The girl began to get angry. She went to her mother and said, "Mom ... what have you been doing all your life? Dad sleeps with every girl in town everywhere, and now I can't marry any of the five men I like because they used to be my half-brothers! ! ! "Her mother copied it. Don't worry, honey, you can marry any one of them. He is not your real father. One day, a girl took a boy home to see her father and said that she would marry the boy. After chatting with that boy for a while, her father told her that she couldn't marry that boy because he and she were actually half brothers. After that, the girl met four other boys, took them home to see her father and asked him to agree to their marriage, but the result was the same. These boys are actually her half brothers! The girl is really angry. She said to her mother, "mom, how did you spend your life?" Dad is fooling around in town, and now I have talked about the fifth boy, but now I can't marry any of them because they all ended up with my father! When the girl finished, her mother replied, "honey, don't worry, you can marry any of them." Your father is not really your real father. A blonde tried to repair her car. A blonde was driving back from the shopping mall when it rained a terrible hail. Huge hail the size of a golf ball hit her car, leaving dents all over it. She drove to the garage and asked her what to do. The person in charge of the body explained what needed to be done and said that it would cost at least $4,000 to repair it. She said it was too much. Isn't there any other way to solve it? The person in charge decided to have some fun and said, "You can blow hard into the tailpipes, they may pop up!" " She decided to have a try before spending so much money. So she drove home and wrapped her lips around the exhaust pipe in the garage when her blonde neighbor came to visit. What are you doing? "She screamed and thought at the worst that she had just stopped her friend from trying to commit suicide." The first blonde explained, "I'm blowing hard into the exhaust pipe to blow out all the dents in my car." Well, fool, it won't work. Why not? The first blonde asked. Because you have to roll up the window first. "Investigator: What's your father's name? What is your father's name? Little brother: Happy! ! Happy! Investigator: What's your mother's name? What's your mother's name? Little brother: Smile! Smile! Investigator: Are you kidding? Are you kidding? Little brother: No! ! That's my sister! ! I'm kidding! ! No, that's my sister's name. I lied to a woman who thought it was rush hour. I rushed to a train at Grand Central Station in new york-when I was near the gate. A plump middle-aged woman rushed up from behind, lost her foothold on the smooth marble floor and slipped on her back. Her momentum brought her close to my shoes. However, before I could help her, she had climbed up. She posed, winked at me and said, "Do you always make beautiful women fall at your feet?"? "In the rush hour to find the fallen woman, I hurried to new york Luxury Center Station to catch the train. Near the door, a chubby middle-aged woman rushed from behind, only to find that she slipped on the smooth marble floor and slipped on her back. Her inertia brought her close to my feet. I was going to help her, but she stood up by herself. She calmed down, raised my eyebrows and said, "Do beautiful women always fall at your feet?"? "