A classic joke that makes people gush out.

A classic joke that makes people gush out.

The most important thing in life is to be happy. The source of happiness often comes from life, and life is full of endless joy. The following are the classic jokes that I have carefully arranged to make people eat. Welcome to learn from them, I hope it will help you.

A classic joke 1 1. I just came out from my friend's house and saw that his pants were not zipped, so I reminded him that your door was open.

He turned around and said casually, it's okay, my dad is in there!

2. One day, a friend went to a comic booth to buy comics. The stall owner, a middle-aged woman, asked, "Do you have any paintings by king of fighters?" .

The stall owner replied, "It's strict now, no, but there are swimsuits."

One day, my family and I took a van to the county seat. Passing a billboard that said "breeding sheep", my sister suddenly asked, "Is the sheep planted?"

My cousin is 23 years old and has no girlfriend. At a relative's party, we asked him what kind of girl he wanted, and we found one for him. Before he spoke, his mother told us that he wanted to find a stewardess, and we said that your boy was still demanding. At this time, my cousin said a classic: Japanese. ...

5.sin said to cos: although we are in love, I always feel wrong.

Cos said, what's the matter?

Xin said: I always feel that we are in a love triangle.

Cos asked sin angrily, why do you like watching/-movies?

Sin said: you don't know, I watch/-movies with a feeling of being on Sina.

6. What are the three tallest animals in the world?

Male giraffe

Female giraffe

Little Giraffe

7. After listening to a cold joke, a glass of water said: I have worked hard.

8. From the world situation to eating shit, any news can arouse the abuse of netizens in China. Only the netizens on the yellow forum are of high quality and have never seen swearing. Both: the landlord has worked hard, thank you, and the landlord has a good life.

9. Today is International Domestic Violence Day. The TV station interviewed the public's views on domestic violence. Asked about a thin man, the man replied: "Domestic violence? My wife seldom hits me. "

The classic joke that makes people spray rice 2 1. The foreman said discontentedly to the new worker, "You are slow in doing things, walking and thinking. I really don't understand. What are you doing? "

The new worker quickly replied, "I'm tired."

When someone takes a double-decker bus for the first time, the driver lets him sit on the upper deck.

But after a while, he came down from upstairs and shouted angrily, "What a liar! There is no driver upstairs! " "

The police saw a car illegally parked outside an office building, so he went to the car and began to write a fine. At this moment, a man ran out of the building and shouted, "Please wait!" "

"Is this your car?" Asked the policeman.

"Yes, please don't be fined. Let me explain, okay? "

The police agreed. So the man said, "I just had my tooth pulled out at the dentist's office." I deliberately stopped to worry about my mind, so that I wouldn't feel a toothache! " "

My sister loves meat very much, and she is worried that she will get fat. On this day, she anxiously said to her sister, "Will I eat like a cow?"

Sister said: "This is impossible. No matter how fat, there are only two legs! " "

5. A: "What's your name, Pony? Why don't people call you by your first name? "

B: "Don't mention it, even my parents don't call me by my name. As soon as I was born, they fell in love with the dragon slayer. There was a Zeng A Niu in it, so they named me Huang Ama! "

The classic joke that makes people spray rice 3 1. Today, Huahua asked me who Han Yu was, and I said, "Han Yu is a great man. He is a scholar at the age of 25. " Huahua disdainfully said, "What's the big deal? I was nearsighted when I was six years old! " "

2. My cousin is lovelorn and makes a dynamic statement in space: "Why do you feel suffocated even listening to songs?" My aunt commented below: "How many times have I told you? Don't wrap headphones around your neck to listen to songs. " Find the shadow area in my cousin's heart ......

My deskmate was lovelorn recently, and she was inexplicably upset. Just now she asked me what is more complicated than love. I threw a math textbook in her face. ...

My best friend asked me to accompany her to buy a dog, and give me the money! I'm confused. My girlfriend told me: "People say whoever buys will follow. You can eat and drink, and the most important thing is that you are obedient. The dog you bought is easy to raise and will be obedient! " The end of friendship ......

5. "I have no hope of falling in love now, I just want to get rich." The friend who said this is still too young. When you are in love, you can still think about it and get rich. Don't even think about it

When a person applies for a job, he must fill in the application form whether he has been arrested before. Of course, he filled in: "No!" The next question is: "Why?" This is for the person who wrote "Yes" to the last question, but he still wrote: "Because I have never been caught!" "

7. My daughter-in-law and I are really fat, but we can't control our mouths. In desperation, we have to agree that whoever eats snacks or snacks in the evening will give 50 yuan to the other party. Hey, don't tell me, since we booked this, we can get 50 yuan from each other every day, so happy!

8. When a male colleague was joking with a female colleague, the male accidentally sprayed perfume into the female's eyes, and the female burst into tears. The man boldly said, "Nothing, I will support you all my life!" " It happened that the man's girlfriend came to pick him up from work and heard this sentence at the door. Without waiting for his girlfriend to speak, the man decisively pulled his female colleague to his girlfriend and said, "Come, call mom!" " "

9. Remember? When you went to the TV station to sing a song, four referees and three fell down. Fortunately, a referee came on stage and shook hands with you excitedly and said, talent! It costs money for others to sing, and your singing is fatal!

10, several people watched the sunrise, and one pointed to the treetops and said, I saw it. Others also said they saw it. At this time, someone came out from behind the tree with trousers: I saw it when I saw it. What are you yelling about? !

1 1. Generally, boys are not allowed to go to the girls' building and must leave before 8 pm. Otherwise, at 8 o'clock, Auntie Lou will shout: Girls, Fujian.

12, the old lady on the bus is afraid of missing the stop and asks at every stop. When the bus arrived at the first stop, she kept stabbing the driver with an umbrella: "Is this the convention center?" "No, it's ribs!"

13, a village woman went to the market to sell peanuts. When the marketing coordinator charged, she started to run, but she was still caught by the coordinator. The coordinator said, "I wanted to hug you (tax you) yesterday, but I have to hug you (tax you) today."

14, the mother bird burst into tears, and the male bird said angrily, "How many times have I told you that this ring was worn by the Bird Research Station, not a wedding ring! I'm not married! "

15, restaurant, female: Are you going to marry me or not? The man was silent. W: Don't think that nobody wants me. If I get angry, I'll find someone to marry here right away! The waiter came over: Miss, you scared away all the guests in our shop.

16, buddy, do you know why I was scolded that day? Seeing the underlined words on the clothes on the pretty girl's chest, I couldn't help reaching out and clicking.

17, a lady got on the bus wearing a one-step skirt, but the skirt was too tight to lift her legs, and she still couldn't untie the two buttons of the skirt. Later, when I saw a man staring at her, I called him a rogue! Man: You are a rogue. You untied us all so quickly!

The classic joke that makes people spray rice 4 1. I come to school early every day. Teachers and parents think I'm a bully, but I'm a little stupid. Actually, only I know. I came to copy my homework so early!

If I can give up all over the world, at least your money is worth cherishing.

3. After watching the black 100 meter run, an old lady said with tears that she was scared to death! Several coal diggers knelt in a row and were shot, but they fired without aiming. The children ran in fear, and the rope couldn't stop them!

One day, a driver was robbed while driving, and the roadblock said, "Get off!" The barricade added, "Do 100 push-ups."

5. What happens when a girl can't cook? In the future, when your child grows up, he will say: I miss the takeaway ordered by my mother when I was a child.

When a hungry wolf was looking for food, I heard a woman training a child: If you cry again, I will throw you out to feed the wolf! The child cried all night, and the wolf waited outside until dawn and sighed, liar, women are liars!

7. A prisoner was shot. Because the bullet was inferior, the first shot was not fired, and then the second shot was fired. The third shot. Then the prisoner cried: eldest brother, strangle me, it's too fucking scary!

8. On a windy day, the bicycle fell down one after another. I only heard a classmate say while helping the car: whose Mercedes-Benz crushed my BMW! ……

One day, the monitor told me what to do on Saturday (there were many things that week). After that, my deskmate shook my arm violently. Come on, tell me, what day is Saturday? ……

10, one day you stood on the bus platform and laughed, causing passers-by to look at you like there are several plants. One of them asked you why you giggled. You fought back your laughter and said firmly, I fooled the ticket buyer and didn't get on the bus.

1 1, MM went to take a bath, and the people around him asked: How old are you? A dozen? MM felt glad and said, I am 27 years old. The man was startled: No way! Your breasts don't look like a 27-year-old!

12. Generally, boys are not allowed to go to the girls' building. They must leave before 8 pm, otherwise, the aunt in the building will shout: girls, Fujian.

13, the mother bird burst into tears, and the male bird said angrily, "How many times have I told you that this ring was worn by the Bird Research Station, not a wedding ring! I am not married yet! "

14, the father said sternly to his daughter's boyfriend, "can't you just take my daughter to the movies every day?" The young man was surprised and happy: "You mean you can do other things?"

The classic joke that makes people gush: 5 1. After pestering the goddess for a month, I finally beat her badly.

I have always heard people say how cool it is to have a room. I couldn't help getting a room last night. It's really cool to sleep alone in such a big bed!

3. Be in love for four years. He never gave her a promise. On the train home from college, she said, "Remember to call me when you get to the station" and fell asleep. He woke her up a few hours later. She looked out of the window and saw strange scenery. Don't overdo it, it's his coquetry smile: my mother asked me to take you home to have a look. He took her to this remote mountain village and sold her to an old bachelor in his fifties.

On the bus, we all stared at a beautiful woman in a short skirt, and suddenly the beautiful woman turned around and slapped me and told me to get out! Shit, I'm not the only one peeking at her thighs. There are so many people in the car, if you don't hit me, hit me. Then I was very upset, put on my pants and got off!

5. Once upon a time, there was an ugly duckling. Although people didn't like him, he never gave up his dream. Finally, through unremitting efforts, it became a noble and beautiful white swan. The excited ugly duckling went home for the first time and shared his happiness with his parents. The next day, his parents divorced.

6. The ugly duckling was born ugly. Nobody likes it. Being bullied by other ducks since childhood. He left his mother sadly, wandered alone, met with strong winds and heavy rain, hounds and Xiong Haizi ... but the ugly duckling was not afraid. It works hard, studies hard and improves quality. Finally, people found that although it was not beautiful, it was quite delicious.

7. An old couple, the husband is in a wheelchair and his wife is pushing him. The two quarreled from time to time, and the wife would leave for a few minutes and then come back, but she never abandoned her. Moved, I went over and asked, Aunt, you have been quarreling for so many years, but you haven't broken up. How did you do that? The old lady smiled: He was a playboy when he was young and always wanted to leave me. No, I broke his leg one day forty years ago.

8. "Grandpa, you are over 80 years old, but you still call your wife dear, baby every day. What's the secret after so many years? " "No way, I forgot her name a few years ago, and I was afraid to ask her, so I had to call her that."

9. A friend of mine is going to play in the grassland. As an Inner Mongolian, I explained some basic safety knowledge to her. For example, if she meets a wolf alone, don't turn around and run. Humans can never compete with wolves. The correct way is to stay where you are, make direct contact with the wolf's eyes, stare at it, don't move, and persist for as long as you can, so that you can die with dignity.

10, Li Bai didn't like reading when he was a child. One day, he saw an old woman by the river trying to grind an iron pestle into an embroidery needle. Li Bai smiled and said, How long will it take to grind? Grandma said: I will grind for two days if one day is not good, and I will grind for three days if two days are not good. As long as I persist, I will always succeed. Li Bai was ashamed to hear that and began to study hard. Because he is deeply aware that if he doesn't study, he will be as stupid as that old woman in the future.

1 1. A white rabbit came to the grocery store and asked the boss, do you have 100 carrots? Then he was caught by the grocer. After all, there are few rabbits that can talk.

12, my buddy is great. I remember when I was in junior high school, I smoked in the toilet with my buddies during my lunch break at noon, and I took the last bite. Suddenly, the dean came in, saw us leaning against the window and asked, "What are you two doing?" I panicked and turned to look at my buddy. I still remember his performance. He blew a lot of smoke from his nose and said, "I'm angry."

13, dad is very kind to me. I remember jumping from the second floor with an umbrella when I was a child, and my legs were bleeding. It happened that my father saw that scene all the way from work, and I will never forget it. He pushed the bike away and ran to my side like a 100-meter sprint. After careful inspection, he lamented that the umbrella was not broken.

14. In an earthquake of magnitude 8, Wang Laohan finally picked up the coins that fell into the cracks in the floor.

15, Lao Wang fell into the dry well at the entrance of the village, and finally adapted to the life at the bottom of the well with the enthusiastic help of the villagers.

A classic joke that makes people drool. A foreigner who has learned a little Mandarin. Say hello to the secretary in the morning. "How are you?" The young lady stared at him. He paused and immediately said to her, "Hello, Mom!" " "

The elephant saw a group of ants walking towards its home and asked the ants, What are you doing? The ant said that Aunt Elephant was ill. Let's donate blood!

Two drunks are driving at full speed. A: "Be careful! There is a sharp turn ahead. " B: "What? Aren't you driving? "

A customer angrily ran into the tailor's shop, pointed to the fashion designed by the shopkeeper for him and said, "I was standing on the street corner yawning, and two people put letters in my mouth!" " "

A farmer's daughter was so ugly that he had to let her be a scarecrow in the corn field to scare crows. As a result, not only did she scare away the crows, but even three crows were scared to send some corn back.

China people, Americans and Jews drink together, and three flies fly into their drinks. The Americans asked for another cup, but China ignored it and drank it. The Jew caught the fly and shouted, spit it out! Spit out your drink!

Xiaoming and Xiaohua went to the zoo to play. When they entered the door, Xiaoming pointed to Xiaohua and said to the doorman, "Look carefully! Come out later, don't say I stole your monkey! "

A man sells popsicles at the market for the first time. He is embarrassed to sell them. A man next to him was shouting "selling popsicles", so he had to shout "me too."

The father said sternly to his daughter's boyfriend, "You only take my daughter to the movies every day, can't you do something else?" The young man was surprised and happy: "You mean you can do other things?"

Colleague and sister learned to surf the Internet in primary school and are very willing to chat. One day, just entering a chat room, a netizen asked, "Are you a man or a woman?" I can't type yet, and neither can the "female". So she thought for a moment and replied, "I am a young lady." The netizen made a sentence: "Thank you for your frankness."

Classic joke that makes people spray rice 7 1 Your taste is too strong, and I am too weak.

There is only one day left, the person who secretly loves me, don't be reserved, I promised!

I'm kidding. I'm not afraid of the living, but of the dead. ..

Judging from your appearance, you can play horror without makeup. ..

Five wives live together, and we are young.

If our mass is as heavy as the earth and the moon, then we will never be apart.

Perhaps silence is our best endorsement!

It's so cold that it takes a lot of courage to get up.

Happiness is when you have no money, you find crumpled 100 yuan in old jeans.

10 Sweetheart, let me tell you a secret. Pigs are prettier than you, and you are uglier than pigs.

It's your face that lets me know what a facade is.

12 I gave you my phone number. Why don't you understand my mind? Charge me dozens of dollars for something!

13 was still celebrating Singles' Day last year, but not today. Looking back, things have changed.

14 today, the geography teacher asked a question in class: In order to be fair, I decided to ask a boy and a boy.

15 Youth is gone forever. Have a nice trip.

16 when you are bored, don't tell everyone that you are bored, which will only make people think you are more bored!

17 Only one day left. People who secretly love me, don't be reserved.

18 If having money is a mistake, I'd rather make it again! !

19 The dragon begets the dragon, the phoenix begets the phoenix, and the mouse can make holes!

I didn't learn the monomial taught by the math teacher! But I learned unrequited love! Teacher, you are great!

2 1 We should all live well, because we will die for a long time …

It's almost stick day. How can you hold your breath when you secretly love me?

23 people say that peony flowers are dead, and it is romantic to be a ghost ... Now there is only a large cluster of hibiscus, and I don't want to be romantic.

I know your knowledge is disguised, but I don't want to expose it!

What I want is very little and simple, but you can't afford it.

I hope that people will live a long life and there will be no more bachelors.

Napoleon said that a lazy toad who doesn't want to eat swan meat is not a good lazy toad. Even if I were a lazy toad, I would never marry my mother.

The classic joke that makes people spray rice 8 1. Soldiers like to wear their clothes backwards when riding motorcycles, that is, they buckle their clothes behind their backs to keep out the wind.

One day, Brother Bing drunk driving, overturned and hit the side of the road.

When the police arrived, ......

Policeman A: What a terrible car accident.

Policeman B: Yes, I hit my head in the back.

Officer A: Well, he's still breathing. Let's help him turn his head back.

Policeman B: OK ... One, two, push, turn around.

Officer A: Well, I'm not breathing. ......

2. The fish said, "I always open my eyes to leave you." The water said, "I have been flowing tirelessly all day and want to hug you." The pot said, "xxx is almost ripe and still so stubborn."

The female teacher drew an apple on the blackboard, and then asked: What's this, little friend? The children said in unison: ass! The female teacher ran out of the classroom crying and complained to the headmaster: children laugh at people. The headmaster came into the classroom and said with a serious expression, why did you make the teacher cry? Ah! And drew an ass on the blackboard!

A woman walked into the post office, asked for an electronic newspaper, wrote it and threw it away. I asked for a second one and then threw it away. After the third letter was written, she handed it to the operator and asked him to send it as soon as possible. After the woman left, the operator became interested in these three telegrams. The first page says: It's all over, and I never want to see you again. On the second page, it says: Stop calling and never see me again. The third part is: take the nearest train and I'll wait for you. collected works

A blonde got on the plane and sat in first class. The stewardess came over to check in and told her: your ticket is ordinary class and you can't sit here. The woman said: I am white and beautiful. I want to fly first class to Los Angeles. The stewardess was helpless and had to report to the team leader. The team leader explained to the beauty: I'm sorry! You didn't get a first-class ticket, so you can only take a regular class. I am white and beautiful. I want to fly first class to Los Angeles. Beauty still repeats that sentence. The captain had no choice but to call the captain again. The captain leaned over and whispered a few words to the beauty, who immediately stood up and strode to the ordinary cabin. The stewardess was surprised and asked the captain what he said to the beautiful girl. The captain replied: I told her that first class would not go to Los Angeles.

In other words, once the soldier's plane crashed and fell into the sea, and the soldier was still alive, so he struggled to shout: Help! Help!

At this moment, a great white shark swam over and shouted, I'm coming! I'm coming!

7. Mom, is coke expensive?

No, that thing is very cheap.

Oh, luckily, I just spilled a bottle of coke on my father's notebook. Fortunately, it's not expensive.

8. I don't want to fall into a rut when others send roses to girls. Send you a cactus that I personally cultivated and say three words to you: sit on it!

9. A child likes to watch ants move. After class, he came back and said, "Teacher, I just watched the ants move again."

The teacher taught English and wanted to test him: "I asked you, what did the ant say?"

"ah? Ants? The ant said nothing. "

10. When I was young, I kept a diary, and the teacher stipulated that it should be more than 200 words. At that time, a team leader came to check the number of words. A man in my group wrote: "My mother asked me to go out to buy food today. I asked how much it was a catty, and the vegetable seller said 5 points. I said, it's really cheap, it's really cheap, it's really cheap ... "The group leader counted four words missing.

The classic joke that makes people spray rice 9 1. Male colleagues flirt with fat female colleagues.

Man: "You were born in the wrong age. If you were born in wartime, you will have a great future. "

Woman: "You mean I'm fit to be a soldier?"

Man: "Yes, it is suitable for plugging gun holes on the battlefield."

David bought a snake in a pet store.

I asked him, "When did you have a hobby of keeping snakes?"

David said, "I don't keep it, I bought it and set it free!" " I'm imitating Xu Xian. Maybe the White Lady will repay me with his life in the future! "

I shook my head and said, "You finally got rid of Bill, but your snake seems to be a male!" " "

3. David mysteriously told Dagang: Brother, I have a set of ancestral secrets, which can make you show your great power, make your wife scream again and again, and attack her soft with your hard power, and climax after climax!

Dagang was looking forward to it and asked, what is the magical skill?

David smiled mysteriously: Foot massage!

David came home from a business trip for half a year.

Daughter-in-law asks David: Hey, honey, let me ask you something. If a peach tree is planted in the neighbor's house and its branches extend into our yard, you will be happy.

David said: happy, cheap for nothing, of course happy!

The daughter-in-law breathed a sigh of relief and said, it is good to be happy, it is good to be happy! By the way, I'll tell you one more thing, I'm pregnant!

David is playing games at home.

Suddenly, someone knocked at the door. It's the sister next door. She said, I'm making sweet and sour carp. I don't have enough sugar. I will borrow some from you.

David said no problem, take it!

After a while, my elder sister came again and said, I'm making kung pao chicken, and there's not enough oil. I will borrow some from you.

David is very generous. Take the whole bucket.

Not long after, my sister came again and said, I want to eat, and my family is not enough. Can I borrow someone from you?

David suddenly became nervous. Without saying a word, he picked up the phone and dialed 1 10. He said with tears, hello, police? Someone here wants to eat human flesh!

6. I will get married soon. Dad came to our house to see how the wedding room was prepared. Dad said seriously after reading it: "Dong Zi, do you often have power outages here?"

Me: "No, why do you ask?"

Dad: "I see a red candle beside your bed!" " "

Me: "Well ..."

Dad: "Do you miss herding sheep as a child?"

Me: "herding sheep?"

Dad: "Yes, I see a little whip on your bed ..."

Me: "..."

7, men and women blind date, women are very direct.

Woman: "Do you know anything about politics?"

Me: "Not really"

Woman: "Do you know the art of war?"

Me: "I don't understand!"

Woman: "Can a basketball player play five?"

Me: "No!"

Woman: "Can you do push-ups with one hand?"

Me: "No!"

Woman: "If you want to associate with me, you have to have a plenary meeting!" " ! Bye bye "

Me: "How can there be such a powerful person in the world?"

Woman: "Yes, marshal palutkin"

8. There are still a few months before the postgraduate entrance examination. Yesterday, I went to the library to study for myself. There is a beautiful girl next to me, so I talk to her.

Me: "Beauty, I am from Harbin. Are you from the northeast? "

Beauty: "I'm from the south."

Me: "I just heard your accent sound like that of the northeast."

Beauty: "Hey! Talk back to the old lady. Just like you, you still want to talk to me. Are you a tiger? Believe it or not, I cut you! "

Me: "..."

9. Xiao Li: "Rhubarb, I heard that you like collecting?"

Rhubarb: "Yes, they all learned from us. He is the real collector. "

Xiao Li: "Does your leader have a large collection?"

Rhubarb: "That is, you secretly went to his office to see it all over the room. All sizes, colors, styles, brands and cups were worn by female colleagues!" " "

Xiao Li: "Bra!"

10, President Yue Buqun of Huashan Middle School is telling President Ling Huchong of the Student Union about the history of the school: "Huashan Middle School once had two principals, namely Su Yue and Cai Zifeng. President Yue advocates shaking the foundation, learning the basic knowledge first, and then solving problems, which is called "Qi Zong".

President Cai advocates direct sea tactics without learning the basics, which is called Jianzong.

The effect of Qi Sect is slow, while that of Jian Sect is slow. In the first year of high school, Mr. Jian's performance was much better than that of Mr. Qi. In the second year of high school, Jianzong's grades were quite good. In the third year of high school, Mr. Qi's performance was far better than that of Mr. Jian. Once in the college entrance examination, Jianzong failed. From then on, Huashan Middle School was left with General Qi! "

1 1. Seven close young men should be sworn brothers, and Xiaoming ranks fourth according to his age.

Xiao Ming: "Boss, I don't want to be the fourth child. It's not nice!" " "

Boss: "haha ... brother, I didn't expect you to be so superstitious." Do you think four is the same as death? "

Xiao Ming: "That's not the main thing ..."

Boss: "haha ... my silly brother, what happened to the fourth one?" Judy, the founding emperor of Ming Dynasty, ranked fourth, Yong Zhengdi ranked fourth, Qianlong ranked fourth, Daoguang and Xianfeng ranked fourth. Look how good! "

Xiao Ming: "But ... my surname is Zhao. From now on, you can't call me Zhao Si! " "

Boss: "..."

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