The complete set of jokes for security guards

1, eight-year-old Xiao Ming, can't speak yet, and his parents are very worried.

One morning, Xiaoming saw the breakfast on the table and suddenly said, "Do you want some sugar in the porridge?"

"You talked! Can talk! " Parents are amazed.

Xiao Ming shrugged his shoulders and said, "You are so good at ordinary times, why am I embarrassed to speak?"

2. The son asked: What's the difference between "bragging" and "lying"?

Dad: What the "braggart" said is not true, and what the "liar" said is false.

3. My nephew is in the first grade of primary school and looks very cute. Going to a restaurant for dinner, I said I had to go to the bathroom on the way, so I went with him. After I went, I followed the trend. He gave me a look and smiled.

Out of the toilet, into the elevator, into the private room. I asked him: What are you laughing at?

Nephew: Uncle, your penis is really big, much bigger than mine. The elevator was crowded with people. Sweating. . .

A Dai broke the window while playing football. Dad was very angry and didn't know how to punish him. Finally, he suddenly decided, "I'll put you in the henhouse."

A Dai protested: "I don't want it, I can't lay eggs."

5. Two classmates quarreled, and A said that B had a broken back. B said calmly: In fact, everyone has a Brokeback Mountain in their hearts ~

A said coldly, your building is extremely high above sea level!

6. Q: A puppy traveled in the desert and died. How did he die?

A: He suffocated because there was no telephone pole to pee in the desert.

Q: A puppy was traveling in the desert and found a telephone pole, but it was still suffocated. Why?

Answer: "No urinating here" is posted on the dotted bar.

Q: A puppy was traveling in the desert and found a telephone pole. Nothing stuck to it, but it was stuffy. Why?

A: Many puppies are waiting in line.

Q: A puppy was traveling in the desert and found a telephone pole. There is nothing posted on it, and there is a queue. The result is still suffocating. Why?

A: Because there are two beautiful dogs MM behind him, he is very embarrassed.

7. One day, Xiaoming, who went to kindergarten, ran to his father: "Dad, Dad, what rises in the east and falls in the west?"

"Well, is it the sun?"

"No, no, five words!"

Dad thought for a moment and said, "Santa Claus grandson?"

"Wrong, five words! Just those five words! " Dad thought for a long time and couldn't figure it out. . . .

At this time, Xiao Ming said: ". . . Stupid, yes, yes, the sun! ! ! ! "

8. Pig's hand is called hoof, dog's paw, and human's hand is called palm. So, what is the name of the fairy's hand? Cactus ~

9. The fox and kangaroo went to the supermarket empty-handed and came to the door of the supermarket to let the fox in, but they didn't let the kangaroo in anyway. The kangaroo asked, "Why?" The security guard said, "You have to deposit your bag first."

10. Once upon a time, there was a man who never washed his hair. Later, a thick layer of dust accumulated on his head. Later, a seed fell on his head. It rained, and the seeds germinated and grew into a big tree. There is a good big tree, which can keep out the sun and rain, but there are always many birds on it, which makes him very angry, so he pulls it up and pulls it on his head.

1 1. In geography class, the teacher opened the multimedia and put a map of China. She marked Shanghai, Beijing and Wuhan on the map, and then asked what kind of cities they were. Then he pointed to a stunned classmate and said, you answer.

The students were alert, stood up and looked at it for a long time and said, it's a triangle!

12, the cannibal leader fell ill, and the doctor said, "It is caused by eating too much meat, so eat more plants." From then on, the cannibal leader made a decision: don't eat ordinary people, just eat vegetarian food! !

13. Penguins want to play with polar bears. After 10 years, I finally came to the polar bear's home. The penguin said to the polar bear, "Let's go out and play!" " . The polar bear said, "OK, let's go to your house to play ~"

14, A: My wife is an angel. My wife is still alive!

15, Confucius met Laozi.

Confucius said, "How's Zi recently?"

Laozi said, "But you are not."

Confucius said, "I heard that Zi takes care of students?"

Laozi said, "I am only surprised by myself, which makes people manifest."

Confucius said, "When will students realize the Tao?"

Laozi said, "A name is beyond reproach and lasts forever."

Confucius said: "Laozi is really superior, how elegant his writing is!" " "So he came as drunk as a fiddler and said to Lao Tzu," Have a drink with Xiao Yu? "

Lao Tzu said, "OK, hey, where's my cup?"

16, "didn't you say you were smart? ! Now let me ask you a question. " Xiao Ming said, "Do you know what animals in the world love to ask why?"

A Dai thought for a moment and said, "I don't know."

Xiao Ming said, "Idiot, I don't know. To tell you the truth, it's a pig! " "

A Dai: "Why?"

17, my colleague's license plate was stolen, and the thief asked him to redeem it with money.

Colleague: "I put the money into your account. How can I be sure that you will return the license plate to me?"

Thief: "We are reputable."

Colleague: "I redeemed the license plate this time. What should I do next time? "

Thief: "Don't worry, we are a chain store in the whole city. It won't happen again if we steal it once! " "

18, the artist asked the gallery owner if anyone bought his paintings. Boss: "someone asked me how much these paintings will appreciate after you die." After I told him, he bought a painting. But he said he was your doctor. "

19, once in class, a classmate was very hungry and made instant noodles. In order not to let the teacher find out, he put away the book and buried his head, but the heat still came out.

The teacher said calmly, "Who is this classmate who is obsessed with reading?"

20. A class chooses a class flower. A dinosaur-level girl said: If I am elected as a class flower, you can tell your husband a few years later that I was more beautiful than the class flower in the department when I was in college, and you earned money by marrying me. As a result, this woman was chosen as the class flower.

2 1, the high school Chinese teacher talked about poetry, saying "stop and sit in the maple grove late", and the teacher said "this is sitting in love", and everyone burst into laughter ...

22. A classmate is very confused. I lost my watch last month, and the QQ signature was changed to: The watch went to find a thief; I lost my mobile phone on the bus this month, and the QQ signature was changed to: mobile phone to find a watch; Today, I got lost in the street. Later, the QQ signature was changed to: I'll find my mobile phone. ...

23. Woman: "As long as I have money, I will marry who." Man: "Will you marry the safe in the bank?"

24. When arguing, the difference between a man and a woman is like the difference between a pistol and a machine gun.

My wife wants to lose weight, so she goes cycling every day. As a result, the horse lost 40 pounds in a month.

Patient: "Doctor, you left your scissors in my stomach." "Never mind, I have another one."

Judge: Why do you print counterfeit money? The defendant said innocently, because I can't print real money.

28. Wife: "Men are timid." Husband: "Not necessarily, otherwise why should I marry you?"

30. Part I: Hahahahaha Part II: Hehehehehehehehehe. Horizontal batch: there is something wrong with the nerve.

3 1, the first year: he said, she listened. The following year: She said and he listened. The third year: they said that the neighbors listened.

If the cold world we live in is still hard to change, at least I still have your face to melt the ice and snow.

33. Thief A: "Count how much money you robbed today?" Thief B: "No, just read the newspaper tomorrow."

Teacher: "Peter, do you know how many years a mouse can live?" Peter: "It depends on the cat's mind."

Kangaroo said to the dog, "I can put my mobile phone in my bag, and you can only hang it on your ass!" " "

36. Father: You are so old, it's time to find a wife. Son: Yes, but there are too many people. Whose wife am I looking for?

37. Woman: "Why do you always chew candy when you talk to me?" Man: "How can there be so many sweet words without chewing sugar?"

Woman A: "Does your fiance know your age?" Woman B: "Yes, he knows part of it."

40. "I regard her as the North Pole!" "How?" "She is as cold as ice and attracts me like a magnet."

4 1, such an ugly girl

There is a woman who is so ugly that men avoid her for three points. A woman's greatest wish is to be kidnapped by traffickers, and then ... so, whenever night falls, she lingers on a sparsely populated country road, waiting for that moment.

Many things happen. Late that night, she was finally kidnapped by kidnappers and stuffed into the car. The kidnapper came to see the kidnapper leader with his "victory fruit", ready to ask for a reward. However, when the kidnapper saw the woman's appearance, he could not help cursing the kidnapper for his lack of vision and ordered him to let the woman off at once. The kidnapper told the woman to get off at the boss's order, but the woman didn't mean to get off at all. After a long stalemate, the kidnappers used threats, intimidation, beatings and other means to let the woman get off the bus, but the woman never gave in and just didn't get off the bus. When the kidnapper leader saw it, he shouted helplessly: "Forget it! Don't want the car! "

4 1, poison

As soon as the customer came out from the drugstore to buy medicine, the drugstore boy hurried over.

Dude: Sorry, what you want is tonic water. I gave you poison by mistake.

Customer: Look at you, something terrible almost happened.

Dude: Yes, the boss will definitely scold me when he finds out. Poison is twice as expensive as tonic.

42. Avoid asking questions

A famous botany professor and his teaching assistant are studying new varieties of plants.

One day, the teaching assistant asked the professor: what should I do if I go to the field for internship and meet plants I don't know?

The professor replied: I usually walk in the front, and then step on all the plants I don't know to prevent students from asking questions.

43. Event Director

A worker asked the director's secretary:

"Why do directors always sit in the front row when they go to the theater?"

"lead the masses."

"But why did he sit in the middle at the movies?"

"Go deep into the masses."

"When the guests come, why is there always our factory director at the table?"

"on behalf of the masses."

"But he sits in his office every day ..."

"Fool, trust the masses!"

44, assassin

Two gangsters were lying in wait, trying to plot against someone, but they never saw him. One of them was anxious and said, "What's the matter? He hasn't come yet, I hope nothing will happen to him! "

45. A tooth

John: "Your father is like a miser. You see, he is a shoemaker, and you still wear such worn shoes. "

Tom: "What about your father? He is a famous dentist, but your little brother has only one tooth! "

46, conscience

One day, a poet and his friends were drinking. They ordered an appetizer and four sparrows. His friend ate three in a row and was about to eat the last one. The poet said, "Is it my turn to eat this one?" My friend sighed and said, "I wanted to give it to you, but I really couldn't bear to break them up." Let them reunite. " After that, he ate the last one.

47. A kindergarten child was caught smoking in the toilet. The teacher asked him why he smoked. He bowed his head and replied deeply: the motherland is not unified, and he is depressed!

48. The host asked: Can cats climb trees? The eagle replied first: Yes! Compere: Give an example! The eagle burst into tears: That year, I fell asleep, the cat climbed the tree … and then there was the owl.

49. A woman trembled when she met a robber. She said, "I'm from XX school. I just graduated. I haven't found a job yet. I really have no money ... "The robber even cried after hearing this. "Elder sister, I am also from XX school. You take the student ID card. The robber in front is from XX school. Don't worry, we will never rob our own people! "

50. A woman was walking at night when she suddenly saw a man coming towards her with open arms and gave her a hug. He took a step forward. The man fell to the ground crying and said, it's the third piece. Who did I piss off? Is it so difficult to take a piece of glass home?