Can't live as a joke in other people's eyes.

Many people who know me say that I am a person with strong personality and delicate mind. Actually, I'm not strong. I'm a little neurotic. Maybe I disguised myself too well, and they couldn't see that there was a sensitive and fragile heart under my skin.

As I said before, I went to school late, and now I graduated from junior high school at the age of eighteen. Most of the girls who graduated from junior high school with me are fifteen or sixteen years old, and most of them are two or three years younger than me. I am older than them, and I am a little more mature. If I make some things clear, they will think I am a good sister.

I really regret it.

I should be an unreasonable fool who doesn't know how to be flexible. Compared with my classmates, I may know more knowledge outside the textbook, but I am much worse than my peers. This leads to the phenomenon that I can speak Kan Kan dialect in front of my classmates, but I can't let it go in front of my peers. This is really not good. Those students who play well with me but don't know me very well think that my knowledge is ok and my personality is strong.

I don't know why they think so. Should I be a strong and invincible female warrior just because my grades are better, I am silent at school and I know more about some things? Just because I am eighteen, do I have to have the wisdom and determination of my peers? You must live better than them. Did you do well?

Yesterday, I played two jokes among my classmates who were silent for a long time. A classmate came out and said I was bored. I casually said that I was not bored and lived a full life. Then she went on to reply: Can your money support you to spend next year? I am curious. I said, don't worry. She says laziness is not good, but she seems to like you very much. You still don't understand the importance of money. Why don't you go out and make money and realize your dream? ……

Speaking of the back, she added, you have made me understand a lot, but you are self-indulgent and have a feeling that you can't say it. ...

I replied later, I'm sorry I can't live the life you expect.

Then, I deleted the group chat. I have to admit that what this classmate said is reasonable. She saw that I didn't find a job after graduating from junior high school for half a year, so I did nothing at home all day, and when I was full, I wrote some nonsense articles, which might waste materials.

But she didn't know that I was looking for a job everywhere, and I was rejected after two days. What I am looking for is basically a job as a restaurant service and a factory worker. I have to leave in two days. Of course, this is one of my own reasons. I don't have enough confidence to persist. I can't say that if I can't do this job, this job is not good. I can't put all the blame on bad shops and factories. After all, there are many people living well, aren't there? After such a long time, there was no result, so I put it aside for the time being, not worrying about work, but living a good life in front of me first. I made an agreement with my family to go out to work with my relatives in early spring next year.

I don't think so. More than half a year after graduation, many people have not contacted me. Some of my classmates were wondering if I had money to spend and gave me some hard-won suggestions. This really failed her sincerity.

I don't want to make excuses for myself. In the final analysis, excuses are all to hide the truth and escape from yourself. But I will never be as simple as Mi Chong in her eyes. I suffer more than just work and money, but also inner fear and deep self-rejection. For a time, I was always worried that I would make my parents unhappy and be kicked out of the house. For a long time, I was in a negative state. I couldn't sleep all night, so I was nervous. It's hard inside. I am full of disappointment about the future. I hit a wall when I was looking for a job. I doubt my ability, my value, the meaning of my existence, and even think about suicide.

I also had a time when a person covered his head with a quilt and cried, afraid to let people know. I won't tell anyone how hard and uncomfortable I am. After all, they only see me doing nothing.

Now, my mind is gradually in a state of peace, but yesterday it was broken by that classmate's words, and I was afraid. I ask people everywhere, is it a sign of self-indulgence not to make money without a job? I don't live up to expectations and will be looked down upon by my family? I am a little neurotic, but I really need to know what kind of person I should be.

Until an old friend I have known for a long time made me realize that you can't live the life expected by others. No matter what you do, there are always people who don't like you. What you have to do is to recognize yourself from the heart and live a free and easy life without affecting others. People always go wrong, and they will always pass. Don't think so much, just be yourself.

I know I don't do as well as others. I am idle and crazy. This is really not what a person aged 18 should do. I'm thinking, I'm growing up. I'm only eighteen, and I'm qualified to dream. It is not necessarily a good thing to experience more failures. I should always be too young, have not experienced enough setbacks, and retreat too easily. I will continue to temper my will. I believe tomorrow will be more exciting.

I can't live what others expect, I just want to live and be myself.