Find a joke for your girlfriend!

1, dating my girlfriend, I saw someone in front who looked like my girlfriend, so I went up and patted her ass. She slapped me as soon as she turned her head. Then someone patted me on the shoulder ... My girlfriend slapped me as soon as I turned my head. 2, military training standing posture, legs are very sour, instructors let everyone think of beautiful things. After a while, the person next to me said: I am hard! 3. Go to a friend's house to play. It happened that my friend's wife was breastfeeding, and it happened that the child refused to breastfeed. So he joked to the child: Eat quickly, or uncle will eat. 55555, I dare not see them. 4. At school, the school was a bungalow. When school started in September, many new students came. One day, a freshman seemed to be the class representative of a pile of homework and asked me, "Where is the math office?" "Next to the men's room." The math office is really next to the men's room, but on the left. The man went to the right side of the men's room and shouted "Report" at the door. There was a "no entry" voice from inside! 5. I got drunk one day and peed. Open the zipper in front of the urinal, hold down JJ, and then solve it smoothly. However. . I feel my crotch getting wetter and wetter. . . When I opened my eyes and looked down carefully, I found that I had just held each other's thumb. . . . . Silence. . 6. I remember going to college at that time and living separately from my boyfriend. I usually keep in touch with my mobile phone every day. One day, I called his cell phone and stopped. I happened to go downstairs to the grocery store and charged him 20 yuan. Unexpectedly, just back to the dormitory, my boyfriend's phone came. He said: Haha, I didn't expect that there was such an XB person in the world who charged the phone bill to my mobile phone ... I immediately hung three black lines on my head ... 7. I went home drunk and dizzy, and vomited soon after I got home. The next morning, my wife said: eat and drink when you eat out, and don't go home to report what you ate. 8. In Grade Three, our history teacher is called Wen Jian. There was an emperor Wen Jian in the Ming Dynasty. One day in ancient history, a history teacher came into the classroom and said "class". The students below shouted "Long live my emperor" in unison (planned in advance, of course). Tough, the history teacher calmly replied: "Everyone loves youth ~ stand up." Orz~ embarrassed ~ ~ At this time, the whole class is still standing ... 9. In the first aid class in the university, the professor gave a demonstration while talking: Professor: Press the chest with both hands, not too hard, just press 2~3cm, too hard will easily break the patient's ribs! Professor: Let's look at the demonstration (press your hand hard). Click! The model's ribs are broken. Sorry, after class ~ 10, I went to my boyfriend's house for the night, took a shower and used it when I saw a bar of soap. I feel very strange when I use it. After washing, my boyfriend kissed me. I smelled something wrong and asked, "You didn't bathe Frye with soap, did you?" 1 1. My wife looked at the photo of my little nephew not long after he was born and smiled and said,' Look, there is a penis'. As a result, my little nephew coldly threw him the word' rogue'. 12, last night with my wife * *, she was lying on the table, in progress, only to see her hand touch the table twice, and even picked up a walnut and began to bite. I broke down and said, honey, we only do it once a week. Can you be professional? 13, I suddenly received a phone call that day: "Guess who I am? Guess there is a gift! " I guessed all possible people, and they were wrong. Later, I got angry and asked, "Who are you? Don't say I'm dead! " As a result, the man said, "I am a courier, and you have a package ..." I vomited blood at that time. 14, advice when least heeded! 1. If you are a man, please don't have a dog. If you have a dog, don't have a dog that can jump into bed. If your dog can jump on the bed, you shouldn't sleep naked. If you really like sleeping naked, don't keep a dog with sausage. 5, a lesson from the past ~ ~ ~, mopper should remember! 15 and 2L photos are yours, right? It's beautiful. It saved me a lot of money. I don't have to eat this year. 16, I passed a street that day and found a station in Princesa. One of them greeted me warmly: "Handsome boy, come and play ~" I shouted at her gruffly: "I like men!" So she didn't bother to look at me again and left without looking back. Actually, I'm telling the truth. I do like men. I was wearing a sun hat, sunglasses and jeans that day. I am taller. I cut off my long hair because it is too hot in summer. More importantly, it seems that I have to go for breast augmentation ... > _ 17. I went to dinner with my colleagues after work today. We ordered a plate of scrambled eggs with Chili peppers and found a hair in it. Then my colleague picked up his hair with chopsticks and shouted, boss ~ ~ What is this? When the boss saw it, he shouted, Come on! Change a pair of chopsticks for this lady 18, and send a short message to her boyfriend by fetion. As a result, she sent it to a well-connected fellow villager, which read, "Husband, don't worry, my aunt is here ..."19. One day, after going to physical education class, I was so hungry that I went to a restaurant for dinner. It was crowded and messy, so I shouted at my aunt who was cooking. Aunt shouted to the cook inside, "Come into the house quickly! I am anxious. " 20. When I went to the supermarket, I saw a cashier carefully counting a pile of coins. A child ran over and sang: There are a group of ducks at the lower reaches of the front bridge. Come and count, 24678. . . . Then the cashier was very depressed and poured half the coins back to count ... 2 1. When I was in the fifth and sixth grades of primary school, I was watching TV at my cousin's house one night. Watch CCTV-6. When it comes to sex scenes, my aunt will change the channel with the remote control and say that children can't watch this. The younger brother grabbed the remote control and shouted, don't worry, CCTV won't turn it off. 22. Once I was playing with a classmate's computer and found a folder full of * * * movies downloaded from the Internet. It occurred to me that I set one of the pictures as his desktop, and then I waited for him to come back and turn on the computer. Unexpectedly, I never came back. Later, I was hungry and went out to eat. When I came back, I found that his computer was gone. Half an hour later, I saw him eating shit with his computer on his back. So he is. He took it to the maintenance department of the canteen to have it repaired. After it was repaired, he had to open it and have a try. Our canteen can accommodate more than 200 people. 23. My wife bought new clothes and eagerly put them on to take a selfie in front of the mirror in the bathroom, and then posted them online to show off. Today, I found a new mirror of me (river crab) sitting naked in the toilet. . . . . 24. My wife and I went to the reclining Buddha Temple to play. My wife can't walk on the road, so I carry her on my back. An old woman saw it and said seriously, you see, you are also a scholar. My wife is ill, so it's no use going to the hospital earlier. 25. When I got out of the shed to get my car, I saw that there was no one around, so I bravely put a P on it, causing the electric motorcycle burglar alarm next door to make a loud noise. 26. My QQ pet died (named Baby), and then my mood in QQ space was updated to: In memory of the baby, my fellow villager saw that I had a miscarriage and told her mother, and her mother told my mother. As a result, my parents won't answer my phone now, so I changed. 27. My parents said that I stayed in a hotel with them when I was young. When I got up in the morning, they found me skillfully brushing my teeth with a toothbrush. The problem was that the washbasin in the hotel was higher than mine, so they asked me how to fill it. I took them into the toilet and pointed to the toilet ... 28. The day before yesterday, I had dinner with my friends. I got drunk and slipped out of the hotel to throw up. Unexpectedly, a policeman came. Because disgusting don't want to talk with the wave, "what's the matter? Drink? " I took out my walkie-talkie and called a tow truck. Seeing the car being dragged further and further, "disgusting! It's not my car, how to drive it! ? "29. Before the paper was published, I heard that the highest score of this edition of the exam was 139 (full score 150). At that time, I yelled, MD, is it human? I passed the exam so high, and found it was my own ... 30. At night, the supermarket bought a quick-frozen jiaozi promotion mm to greet me warmly and dragged me over. ! Well, it's very kind of you to refuse. I took a bite of chewing gum and kept staring at me after promoting MM. When I finished eating, she asked seriously: Is it cooked? I picked it up when it was mature ... 3 1, GF was on a business trip and asked me to buy a sexy pajamas. I said I miss you. Send me a recent photo. Ask me whether to wear photos or take them off? Great joy! Busy answer: take off the photo! Take off your picture! The next day, a photo of sexy pajamas hanging on a stool came from the mailbox ... 32. The kitten had a friend who shared a room with a * *, and one night she was depressed, and then * * cooked a bowl of noodles for her thoughtfully. She felt very warm and said,' just make do.' I didn't expect * * to say,' You don't have a man, I do! Sitting on the bus this morning, a mother and daughter behind me were talking. Her mother was testing her and said, "We have 20 apples at home. You ate five. How many? " The little girl thought for a moment and said, "15." After a while, the little girl said to her mother, "Mom, I have a question for you, too. I have ten fingers. My father cut me two, and the teacher cut me one. How many fingers do I have? " 34. Last time I went to a restaurant for dinner, I talked to my friends about making a short film. Friends insist on filming for 30 minutes, and I insist on 10 minutes is enough. At some point, the chicken began to freeze. I stood up on striking the table and shouted, "What's wrong with being short? "? What's wrong with being short? This thing depends on technology! "Then I felt that people around me cast pitying eyes ... 35. I once waited for my friend at the bus stop, just beside the traffic lights, and I stood there waiting. The sidewalk turned red at the green light. At this time, a 60-year-old grandmother rushed out, and the taxi coming to her suddenly braked. The driver was very angry and put his head out of the window and scolded, "Grandma, I want to die, and suddenly I rushed out and said, you." The old woman immediately replied, "Is it true? Young man, don't make grandma happy! " Everyone standing on the bus platform is dizzy. In middle school, the physics teacher said in class that we take off our sweaters in winter. The sweater creaked. And lightning. But not in summer. Why? Boy in the back: Because I don't wear sweaters in summer. 37. There used to be a baby (male) in our dormitory, who was honest, a little stupid, and sometimes stupid and cute. Once after the lights went out at night, everyone was chatting again. He said, when I have money, I'll find three girls. We were provoked by him and asked him what happened next, but he calmly said, playing mahjong …