Tell me a humorous joke,

1, after the release of the second child, my wife and daughter-in-law were born around half a month this year, and my mother-in-law and daughter-in-law watched the children together at home.

Mother-in-law: Watch your daughter. It's too overbearing. She always grabs his uncle's toys and plays tricks on him. Don't you know to respect your elders?

Daughter-in-law: Look at your son's virtue. He always touches my daughter's face and plays with kisses! Sex maniac! My niece won't let go!

Me: .......

2. I feel more and more that people are different now, and what I say may have several meanings, which makes people unpredictable.

Some people say that your skin is white, which may be a joke that you are short or ugly;

Some people say that you are capable and may laugh at you as a stupid pig;

Some students ask if you have taken off the bill, and may want to know if he is less valuable than you;

A colleague asked you to drink together, probably to find someone to pay the bill;

Some leaders say that you have a future, which may imply that you give gifts;

Even my wife said I was a loser. I'm not sure if I'm comparing myself with Lao Wang next door. @ One piece, two pieces, three or four pieces

3, Tang Yan has acne, always can't get better.

I was very depressed and asked Wukong: Wukong, what do you think of my acne?

Wukong looked at it with golden eyes and said, because you have mites, mites eat your Tang monk's meat and live forever, so your acne can't be cured!

Tang priest. . . Due to the weathering dragon

Three directors agreed to travel, but unfortunately they fell off the cliff. The driver and three directors are all dead. The soul went to the palace of hell, and the judge took out a stack of books.

The judge first picked up a piece of paper and said to the driver, "You drink and drive, killing three people and going to the third hell." Then he was dragged into the water.

The judge pointed to Director Zhang and said, "Your black account book has more than 20 pages. You have to cramp and go to 90% hell. " Director Zhang was photographed crying.

The judge pointed to Director Ma and said, "Ma, you did a lot of evil before your death and recorded three black accounts. You should go to the oil pan and go to 17 hell. "

At this time, Director Wang looked at the judge's hand and breathed a sigh of relief. The judge went on to say, "Wang Wei, come with me. I really can't move your black book! "

Wang collapsed to the ground. ...

In the office, two male colleagues complained to each other.

Xiao Li: "Shit, my daughter-in-law had a perm and spent 500 yuan."

Rhubarb: "What's the matter? My daughter-in-law burned her head and spent more than 10 thousand! " "

Xiao Li: "Nonsense, where is it so expensive?"

Rhubarb: "The boiling water room is still in the hospital!" " "

Xiao Li: "..."

6. I went to the police station to report the case in a rage.

Policeman: "Comrade, don't worry, speak slowly!" " "

Me: "Can you not worry? Have you ever heard that Alipay has loopholes? Master the acquaintance information and you can get his password! "

Policeman: "I heard, what's the matter?"

Me: "I got the Alipay password, which was cracked by an acquaintance and squandered my 30,000 yuan. Can the police get it back for me? "

Policeman: "Yes, tell me, who is your acquaintance?"

Me: "I ... I dare not say ... I'm afraid of revenge."

Policeman: "We are here, what are you afraid of? Tell me who that man is talking about. "

Me: "My wife, Zhang Cuihua!"

Policeman: "Get out!"

7. Erlang Shen is too lonely to see the roaring dog and wants to introduce him to a bitch as a companion.

Erlang God pointed to the portrait of Tibetan mastiff and asked, "What about this dog?"

Whistling dog: "Tibetan mastiff? No, no, it's too fierce. If you can't beat it, there will definitely be no good life after marriage! "

Erlang pointed to another picture and said, "What about this one?"

Whistling dog: "Beijing bus?" No, it's just that she's small and exquisite. I don't know. I thought I was flirting with an underage dog. No,no. "

Erlang Shen: "Is this good?"

Whistling dog: "Sharpie? Are you kidding, Jiro? He is wrinkled and older than my grandmother. "

Erlang Shen: "People eat dog food the least. You eat shit. It's good to have a bitch willing to follow you! " "

Roaring dog: "..."

8. Shandong Express takes stock of New Year's accounts

Be a fool, be a fool,

Don't gossip, it's been almost a year, and we'll settle accounts;

I borrowed 50 yuan money from Lao Li and paid it back last night.

The old horse owes me two onions. Give me two pieces of ginger today.

Part-time salary is a heart disease, so I asked for it that night.

The foreman called me in and asked me what to discuss.

I said to him, "I've been working for a whole year, why can't I get a penny?"

The foreman's face was full of laughter. Listen to me, I'll do the math for you.

I have nothing to say about working, eating and living here. A meal is 40 yuan a day.

Accommodation in 30 yuan for one day, water and electricity broadband is fully installed.

I'll help you pay the phone bill, and I'll reward the female anchor for you.

Your monthly salary is 2000, I don't owe you anything!

After listening, I hurried out, afraid to let him go on.

God, if he does the math again, I owe him something!

9. Colleague Xiao Li has many nicknames, which are given by people around him according to his characteristics. For example, he is a workaholic. We nicknamed him, and every time we gave him a job, he pretended to be crazy.

For another example, the nickname Timely Rain was given to him by a good friend. As long as there is food to eat, no matter how busy, this foodie will definitely come.

For another example, the nickname Great Man was given to him by his wife because he was soft in bed. . .

10, Xiao Ming came into the office crying with a test paper. Xiao Ming saw the teacher and asked, "Teacher, why did you give me zero on the paper?"

The teacher was angry: "Why, why do you say that 60% of your paper is copied from others!" " "

Xiao Ming: "What's wrong with plagiarism? According to national regulations, as long as the content of innovation and invention is controlled below 70%, you can apply for a patent. My dad and I have 80% overlap in DNA. My dad said I wasn't his own, so I copied 60%. Why give me zero? "

Teacher: "..."

1 1, conditioned reflex

On the wine table, some iron buddies are talking nonsense.

Xiao Li: "I am conditioned to pee my pants as soon as I hear the whistle!" " "

Xiao Zhang: "I am also a conditioned reflex. I have the urge to kneel down as soon as I see the washboard! " "

Xiao Wang: "My conditioned reflex is obvious. Whenever I hear the door opening in the middle of the night, I want to jump out of the window and run away. "

Everyone. . .

12, the font cursive script depends on the person who wrote it. Zhang Xu in the Tang Dynasty, a crazy cursive script, flew while flying, the best in ancient and modern times;

Grandpa Mao's Qinyuan spring snow is vigorous and orderly, showing the emperor's spirit;

Dr. Li from the county hospital wrote a cursive script, wrote a prescription and made a lot of money.

I practice cursive occasionally, and as a result, the teacher got zero on my test paper and called my parents to say that I didn't take the exam seriously. . .

13, there is a foreign teacher in our school who has a good relationship with me. Foreigners like to learn calligraphy from me. At the end of the year, foreigners saw me writing Spring Festival couplets and asked me what I was doing. I told him that this post was posted on the door, praying for a good year, and it was thoughtful of outsiders.

Yesterday, foreigners came to me in a hurry and were rude to me.

Foreigner: "Li, why are you playing tricks on me?" I write auspicious words and post Spring Festival couplets at the gate of Wang Chuang. Who will scold me! " "

He gave me the Spring Festival couplets in his hand, and I looked intently, damn it, it was written in white paper.

I just want to say: you are lucky that the leader didn't kill you!

14, the new essence of flattery

Kiss up and see clearly,

Whether the other party is an officer or a soldier;

Ordinary people don't care,

Leaders focus on light;

Fat people should boast temperament,

Thin people should say that they are light;

Bald men praised him for his talent,

The lame praises others for their steadiness;

Stupid leaders are honest,

The treacherous boss prides himself on being smart; @ DYDYDYDYDYDYDYDYDYDYDYDYDYDY.

15. In history, Xuanzang went to India to learn from the scriptures without customs clearance. Xuanzang rode a thin horse through the western regions and was stopped by soldiers at the pass. The soldier asked him, "Do you have any customs clearance documents?"

Xuanzang said with a wry smile, "I didn't! But I am bent on learning Buddhism. Don't look at the monk's face For the sake of Buddha, leave me alone! "

The soldier was moved and agreed: "Good! Horses can go over and people can go back! "

Xuanzang: "Ah. . . "@ Because of the heart, because of the heart, because of the heart.

16, daughter 20, has a boyfriend, but is afraid to tell her parents. She wanted to sound out her parents' tone first. "Mom, I like children very much recently!"

Her mother secretly rejoiced, glanced at her father and said to her daughter, "I'm glad you like it."

My daughter thinks there is a play and plans to tell her parents at the right time.

After a month, her mother found her: "Daughter, mother is pregnant again. You like it, haha. " @ Liu Ming is good.

17, teacher: "If you want to get good grades, you must learn three words."

Xiao Wang: "Those three?"

Teacher: "Hold on, hold on, hold on."

Xiao Wang: "Xiao Wang, I learned these three words very well. Why do I get poor grades? "

Teacher: "then how do you insist!" " "

Xiao Wang: "insist on not studying, insist on not attending classes, and then insist on not doing homework."

Teacher: "Get out!" @biao52 1ge

18, buddy: When you write a novel, can a sentence arouse my sexual interest?

I smiled indifferently: a tall and beautiful girl hugged you from behind, and her hands slipped against your chest. ......

Brother is excited: it really interests me, so can you add another sentence that will make me wither immediately!

I smiled again: when you turned to kiss her, my sister suddenly shouted "Sawadika!" "

Dude: ......

19, A: Are you afraid of your wife?

A little.

Which point?

I'm afraid she'll leak.

A: Shit. . . @ obscene obscene

20. A Bing mastered erhu at a young age and made a living by performing arts.

Once, a listener said: I am a fairy, and I am very touched by your music. I want to give you a chance to realize your wish!

A Bing suffered a lot from human sufferings and said, I can't bear to see the world suffer!

The fairy was even more moved: you are really great!

Then, he turned A Bing into a blind man, and there was a "blind A Bing" from then on.