Collect a slightly longer humorous story or hilarious joke! Award 600! ! !

1. One day, Xiaoming put a plaster on his hand.

The teacher asked: What happened to your hand?

Xiao Ming said: It's broken.

The teacher said: Why?

Xiaoming said: Because I am too lazy.

The teacher said: Too lazy will break your hand?

Xiao Ming said: I was walking on the road and my shoes hit a stone.

But I'm too lazy to do it by hand,

Just shake your feet with a telephone pole and let the stone fall out.

Passers-by thought I was electrocuted and hit my hand with a wooden stick.

therefore .................

Teacher: ............

2. Taiwanese businessmen doing business in the mainland,

Because all the family members are in Taiwan Province province,

Therefore, I like to go to a brothel every night.

One day, he was unfortunately caught by public security experts.

The Taiwanese certificate is stamped with the word "prostitute".

He was very unhappy,

So I spent some money through connections,

We should get rid of this indecent noun.

A week later,

A friend told him that it was finished.

He thought, as long as the mainland has money, what is impossible?

After receiving the Taiwanese certificate, he opened it excitedly.

There are three Chinese characters written on it:

Non-prostitute

Later, he tried to pass more powerful people.

Non-prostitute

Take out three words,

Because he thinks these three words are still indecent,

Therefore, this account must solve this matter.

Because he will go back to Taiwan Province province next month. ....

His friends assured him again and again,

I'm sure it's no problem,

It's just that politeness is absolutely indispensable.

Another week has passed,

A friend came to him and told him that it was really done this time!

He quickly took the Taiwanese certificate and took a look.

It says:

African fire worm

Party A, Party B and Party C went out together, and Party A caught a cold. ...

Everyone sleeps in a bed at night, and A sleeps in the middle.

In the middle of the night ... A sniffled,

B-C's whole face is the crystallization of a.

Let us know next time ...

Half an hour later,

A: Attention. ...

Hearing this, B and C quickly got into the quilt.

And make sure there is no contact with the outside world. ...

As a result, a fart.

I once talked with several classmates.

Go to the high school teacher's house to see him,

An old man, and when he left,

We left some fruit for our teacher.

But the teacher held the monitor's computer bag tightly and said:

"Look, come and see what I brought. ...

Just leave it at the door. "

5. Take a taxi with friends to meet netizens.

When time is running out,

A friend pointed to an ugly girl not far away and said to the driver,

"See that woman?"

"See, stop here?"

"No, kill her! ! ! "

6. One day, I met a net friend MM in Oriental Plaza.

Don't want to be too corny. It's about Starbucks.

I don't think it's appropriate not to buy anything while waiting for MM,

Just order coffee at the counter.

The waiter asked, "What do you want?" .

I didn't bring my glasses that day,

The coffee shop is dimly lit,

I looked hard at the price tag, but I still couldn't see it. ...

Just say, "I can't see clearly!" " .

Waiter: "OK, cappuccino!" " "

So I drank my first cappuccino at Starbucks. ...

7. The manager of a company asked the secretary to forward the official document to the boss:

"Report the boss, there will be a batch of orders in Europe next month.

I think the company needs to bring people to the meeting. "

The boss simply signed "go to the head" at the back of the official document.

Upon receipt, the manager immediately instructed his subordinates to buy the machine.

I plan to travel. I'm packing.

On the day of departure, I was stopped by my secretary.

Secretary: "What are you going to do?"

Manager: "Go to Europe for a meeting!" " "

Secretary: "Does the boss agree?"

Manager: "Didn't the boss say to give me a head start?"

Secretary: "After coming to the company for so long,

Don't you know the boss's English level?

The boss means: go to the head! "

8. A brother likes to eat fish.

Wal-Mart has a kilo of perch 9 yuan.

If you die, it's 7.20 on ice,

As fresh. A brother got off work,

I rushed to buy it, but I was often bought.

Some brother is waiting in front of the fish tank,

Sometimes they don't die for a long time.

A brother fished it in with a net and hit the fish on the head with his hand.

The waiter couldn't take it anymore,

To tell this brother:

"Sir, fainting is not ..."

9. I am an old woman in her fifties.

One day I visited the boys' dormitory,

It happened that a boy was running around in the field without anything on ~

Be seen by Ban Ren.

Jump on the bed with a loud cry at once,

Cover the quilt ~

Ban Ren left a word and went away:

I've never seen anything at my age,

What's your name? ~

This classmate is extremely cold-! ! !

10. Pirated CD:

Are you serious? are you sure you meant it？ )

-No, I'm kidding. No, I'm kidding. )

Film translation:

-Are you Hillary?

No, I'm Ding Kai. ..

1 1. When I was a freshman,

A buddy in my dorm.

Get up one morning

Half a big black moth was found on the pillow.

I feel depressed.

I picked it up and prepared to throw it out,

Suddenly found the tooth marks on the wings of moths. . . . . .

The whole dormitory was cold for a semester! ! !

12. A man and a woman had an affair and her husband suddenly came home. The man jumped out of the window and ran away, naked, walking in the street to watch. The man pretended to look at the sky as if nothing had happened: Ah, this is the earth. Passers-by said: Cao, pretend to be an alien with chicken feathers.

13. There is a noodle restaurant opposite our dormitory.

A roommate in the dormitory,

Like to be cool,

One day, I was washing my hair by the window.

After washing,

Once that hair is star-shape,

Pointing to the noodle restaurant,

Howl: Hello, friends who eat noodles opposite!

14. One day, my classmates went for a stroll in Zhongguancun.

A vendor leaned in and asked:

"Do you want a hard disk? Cheap "

The classmate took a look and said, "How hard is it?"

15. In the university,

Everyone should have a chat before going to bed at night.

I once said what to do if a gangster turns into the dormitory at night?

At that time, it was reported that a girl's dormitory was bullied. )

A sister said: I saw him rummaging upstairs on the terrace. Let's go together!

"Then what?" They asked,

She went on to say:

"Drag him to Los Angeles,

Get him killed,

Let him pass by our building in the future, and we have to make a detour! "

16. There is a buddy in the university dormitory who likes to talk in his sleep.

One night I got up to drink,

Who knows, he suddenly shouted: "Hello!"

I was so scared that I broke the cup. ...

One night, I continued to talk in my sleep.

Muttered:

"Actually ... actually ... I'm pregnant ... (slightly crying)"

17. I once ate snacks outside in summer.

There is a naked fat man sitting on the table next to him.

Huge fat, upper body meat hanging.

Half eaten,

The pager rang (for more than nine years) and we didn't even look at ours.

As a result, I saw the fat man turn up the meat on his waist.

After watching the pager, I put down the meat and began to eat.

At that time, all the beautiful women at our table were spouting rice.

18. Baidu knows

Urgent Paper: Analyzing the Artistic Conception Beauty of China's Art

Reward score: 0- solution time: June 22, 2007 18: 24.

Urgent Paper: Analyzing the Artistic Conception Beauty of China's Art

2500 ~3000 words

Everyone helps, thank you in advance!

On the Artistic Conception Beauty of China's Art

Reward score: 0- solution time: June 24, 2007 14: 12.

Students of Hohhot University of Arts and Sciences, I am Mr. Cao who teaches you the introduction to art! About this paper about the artistic conception beauty of China's art, in order to prevent you from copying! I have browsed the first 40 pages of Baidu search about the artistic beauty of China! I'm still browsing others! Please pay attention! Think for yourself! !

19. A classmate, his computer automatically turns on every morning (probably because the dormitory suddenly opened when he called in the morning).

As a result, his old man took a symbol and posted it on the computer. . .

20. One day, Mr. A took a shit in the toilet.

I don't think I can pull it out,

Scream in the toilet.

At this moment, Mr. B outside heard it.

So loudly sings:

"I can't pull it out!"

more importantly,

C jun immediately went on to sing:

"If you can't pull it out again, just dig it by hand!"

Since then, this song has become an indoor song in our dormitory.

2 1. Let everyone gather at five o'clock in the morning according to the subject three exam. I was in a daze during the science exam.

It's my turn to get on the bus, start, walk and drive safely. The examiner didn't speak and sat next to me.

Suddenly the examiner said to me, Come on, classmates.

I was flattered and felt a warm current in my heart. I think, what a good examiner, who knows I'm nervous and encourages me.

So, I smiled and said to the examiner, thank you.

Examiner one leng, seem a bit helpless. Just after driving and turning, the examiner added, Come on!

I was warm and moved, but I still smiled and said, thank you, examiner!

The examiner seems to be more speechless, brimming with facial expressions and shaking his head.

Almost to the end, the examiner said impatiently for the third time, come on! Come on! Classmate.

Before I could say thank you, the examiner pointed to my right foot and said:

I told you to step on the gas, not to refuel! You think this is the Olympic Games, I'm here to watch you play!

22. I slept alone in the dormitory for four at night.

After chasing girls for the first time 1, there are still three people discussing how to express their love.

The discussion was lively,

The sleeping man woke up:

Don't say anything, let's go to sleep. .....

23. The graduate campus and undergraduate campus in Peking University are separate.

Graduate students are in a campus called Wanliu.

On the undergraduate campus,

There is a bicycle parking lot in Xiaoximen, the headquarters of Peking University.

Specially prepared for graduate students,

The wall says "Wan Liu classmate parking place".

I used to live there with a friend,

Given his clumsiness,

Finally struggled along while, finally asked me doubtfully:

Who do you think this Wan Liu classmate is? That's awesome. There are so many bicycles! "

24. At the beginning of school,

There is a new English teacher,

He asked us to answer all questions in English in the future.

Then he began to call the roll: 65438 +0.

He shouted.

Our class has arrived at 1,

Shout: Here we are! The teacher said:

Please use English! (Please answer in English)

My classmate scratched his head,

Suppressed along while answered a sentence:

Lead ~ ~ ~ (pronounce the second sound)

25. The buddies in our dormitory are very violent.

One day, he found a mosquito in a mosquito net.

I was busy catching it for a long time, but I didn't catch it.

The elder brothers said with a sigh:

"Mama of, starve to death you!"

Then quickly put away the mosquito net,

Put up with not hanging mosquito nets for a few days,

Finally, the mosquito starved to death,

Our sweat ~ ~ ~ ~

Or mosquito nets:

One day, he found a fly flying into the mosquito net.

Tell us, "I have to kill him",

We said, "The flies are hungry. It seems that you can't rely on them."

You see,

The man grabbed a novel and got into the mosquito net.

Sealed.

While reading a novel, I kept waving my fan.

Is to prevent flies from landing,

As a result, two hours later,

The fly finally stopped flying.

He leaned in and poked the fly and said,

"Fly away, I haven't read enough books."

26. Dialogue between students admitted to a university in Beijing and alumni:

Are you from Yunnan?

"yes"

"Wow ... it's so far ..."

..........

"Is Yunnan liberated?"

"No, we all carry guns in class."

"You can speak Chinese ~!"

I learned it on the train when I first came.

"Do you live in a cave?"

"No, we live in a tree."

"Is Yunnan in Kunming?"

"Well, Yunnan is the capital of Kunming."

"Where are your many pigtails?"

"In order to go to college, I had to cut it off!"

"Do you still eat raw meat?"

"Our boss invented wood to make a fire, and we ate barbecue."