Jokes in front of the temple

In May, in a dry place, a farmer asked a charlatan when it would rain. After a while, the charlatan handed the farmer a folded piece of paper and said, Because cats don't leak urine, they can't open it until it rains. It rained soon, so the farmer opened the note and saw that it said-it rained today, and the farmer lamented that it was fucking accurate.

One day, a group of small animals were chatting in front of Guan Gong Temple. Suddenly, they smelled a bad smell. The cow said, "I didn't fart, I was eating grass." "The snake said," I won't fart ... "The pig said," People who fart will blush! ! ! ! Guan Gong rushed out, kicked the pig away and said, "I was born to blush! ! ! ! ! ! "

6. A person is ready to commit suicide because he is heavily in debt. He unscrewed the bottle cap of the poison and gulped it down. As a result, the bottle cap says: Congratulations on winning the grand prize of 1 10,000 ~!

7. Remind you to use network language with caution. I know a child who always says "I'm dizzy" and "I'm going to fall", and then he has cerebral ischemia. Experts suggest that, by contrast, it is safer to change to the traditional saying "I am Cao", but experts also say that it is still not appropriate to be too frequent.

8. The protagonist's son loves to lie. So, the leader bought a polygraph robot. It will be late tomorrow. Father: Where have you been? Son: The library. The robot took a picture. Son: Go to a classmate's house to watch porn. Father: How dare you? I've never seen it in my life. The robot immediately slapped his father. The mother said angrily to her father, you deserve to be so strict with your son. After all, he is your own! Bang! The robot gave its mother another big slap in the face.

9. I've been very tired and stressed at work recently. So I asked a friend I have known for a long time on QQ: "How to decompress". Reply: "Right click to select WinRAR". !

10, after work, several computers get together to fight the landlord, and the water dispenser can also play. He loses every time, but he still insists on taking part every day. The sofa didn't understand, so she asked the chair, "The water dispenser is lost every day. Why are you still playing so hard? " ? The chairman said, "Are you out of your mind to ask such a question?

1 1, I am really touched-I suddenly feel that 360 is really deep for Tencent. Even to the extent of public opposition, when QQ started, 360 still protected him and scanned pilfer date trojan for him as always. You love someone so much that you hate him that you can't bear to leave him and hurt him. I hide my face and cry ... honey, I want to be your 360! ! !

12, once I ate in a restaurant, I could order songs in the lobby. While eating, the host's sweet voice came from the stereo: "This is a song that Teacher Zhang ordered for everyone. This gentleman wishes everyone good luck! " The host paused for five seconds and then said, "It's a pity that it's not you.". "

13, how long is a minute? It depends on whether you are squatting in the toilet or waiting outside.

14, with four brothers. One day, they went to the park to play. Suddenly I saw something on the ground. Big brother glanced at it and said, "It looks like poop." The second brother squatted down and smelled it and said, "It smells like poop." The third brother poked it with his hand and said, "It feels like poop." The fourth brother poked it with his hand, licked it with his tongue and said, "It tastes like poop."

Say that finish, four people sighed: "fortunately, we didn't step on it!" ! ! ~~~~"

15, a man with cancer went to the hospital for surgery, and the doctors who operated on him all wore masks. The man said angrily, "Why do you have to wear a mask for surgery?"

The doctor was speechless: "This ................"

The man roared again: "I think you are afraid that I will be recognized when I am cured?"

16, Chinese class,

The teacher called a sleepy classmate to answer the question.

This classmate is in a daze and can't speak.

The teacher said helplessly, "will you?" You won't scream too! "

Classmate: "Cheep."

17, junior high school,

A biology teacher once talked about the ecological environment on the African grassland.

No one in the class listened,

The teacher was angry and said, "You all look at me! If you don't look at me, how do you know what African wildcats look like? "

18, three white rabbits picked a mushroom,

The two brothers asked the younger brother to get some wild vegetables to eat together.

The youngest said, "I won't go. If I leave, you can eat the mushrooms I picked."

The two big brothers said, "No, don't worry!"

So the little white rabbit went.

Half a year has passed and the white rabbit hasn't come back yet. A big brother said, "Don't come back, eat."

Another big brother said, "Wait a little longer."

A year has passed and the white rabbit hasn't come back yet. The two bosses discussed it and don't have to wait. Eat ~ ~ ~

Just then, the little white rabbit suddenly jumped out of the nearby jungle and said angrily, "Look! I know you want to eat my mushrooms.

19, a farmer went to town for the first time to see a doctor. I went early and hung up on number one. The nurse shouted: no! Yao Hao! Yao Hao! agriculture

I didn't know whether to call him or not, so I didn't agree. When the nurse saw that no one agreed, she called No.2 in. The farmer waited for a long time.

I was anxious without calling him. The nurse said, what's your number? The farmer called me the first! Then why didn't you call you just now?

Promise? The farmer said when you would call me, and the nurse said the number was number one, which means number one, which means farmer.

When the people understood, they went in to see a doctor. The doctor asked, what's the matter with you? The farmer replied: it hurts. The doctor doesn't understand: one

Does it hurt? The farmer said: back pain, the doctor is angry: back pain is back pain, how is it painful? The farmer said, Your wet nurse said so.

Yes (waist), (waist) is one. The doctor chuckled and wrote him a note, saying: Go, check (swallow).

Ten minutes later, the farmer came back with shit in his mouth. Doctor, I almost didn't swallow my urine.

Yes, I can't swallow my shit! The doctor laughed and cried, and explained it to the farmers again. The farmer understood and accepted it.

The urinal is out. I swallowed it just now. I managed to squeeze half a bottle. I just walked in the door when I came back, and I accidentally got it right.

I bumped into a pregnant woman and peed. The farmer is in a hurry. What should I do? The pregnant woman said: don't panic, I have it here! as soon as...

I went to the toilet and peed a bottle myself and gave it to the farmers. The farmer took it to the laboratory, tested it and went to see a doctor. Doctors are also doctors.

Ma Daha looked at the test paper and said to the farmer, nothing, you are pregnant. After listening to this, the farmer will take the test paper home.

Then, when I got home, I slapped my wife twice and said angrily, I said I was up there. You have to be on it.

Listen, did you get me pregnant?

20. A Cyclops accidentally swallowed his artificial eyeball, which got stuck in his anus, but he couldn't get it out.

Come, so he went to the hospital. The doctor was stunned during the examination, and when he woke up, he said a word: I

I've been watching anus all my life, but I didn't expect to be seen by anus today.

2 1、

Late at night, Mr. Wang finished correcting the last test paper and turned on the radio wearily.

A few words came from the radio: "All students in Class X, Grade Three, xx Middle School, dedicate this song to their beloved Wang xx.

The teacher listened and thanked him for giving them countless exercises over the years (especially this year), so that they got valuable practice.

Learning opportunities ... "When I heard this, Mr. Wang's eyes were moist, and a gratified smile appeared on his tired face. Dj Yuji

Continue: "... now let's listen to this song, Li Huimin's" You won't have a good result "..." My eyes turned white.

Foaming at the mouth and falling to the ground ......

22、

When we were in high school, some teachers were very bad to our students. A group of students have been suppressed for a long time, so they discuss how to grow old.

Teacher. One day, the teacher was giving a lecture in class, and a boy sitting at the back showed a painful expression and gently covered his stomach.

Groans. The teacher ignored him and went on preaching. The middle teacher just turned around and wrote notes on the blackboard. This man

Suddenly, "concave ... wow ...! "(Vomiting) A boy at the same table poured a bottle of eight-treasure porridge at a breakneck speed.

Above the boy's desk, when the teacher turned around, he saw that the desk was covered with yellow and white things. At this moment, another boy came out.

A small spoon, eating the things on the table spoon by spoon, said while chewing, "Hey, this guy ate flowers at noon."

Yes The teacher said, "Wow ... concave ..." and then he vomited wildly.

23、

An infantryman who has been through many battles and won many medals has retired. Hardly had he returned to this city when his friends introduced him.

I have a girlfriend. Before he went out, his friends gave him a lot of advice: "You may have experienced a lot in the war.

Things, but there are some things you have to listen to me. First, open the door for your girlfriend after getting off the bus; Second, your girlfriend went in.

You should help her behind the chair when sitting; Third, you should look at her gently when she speaks; Fourth, what does she need?

Lucy, you must do it first, don't let her do it. "Said the infantry remember, so he went away.

The next day, a friend called to ask the infantry how it was last night. The infantry said in dismay, "I have no hope!" " "

So a friend asked him, "Did you forget to open the door for her?"

The infantry said, "No, I opened the door for her, and she was very happy!" " "

The friend asked again, "Did you forget to help her sit down?"

The infantry said, "No, I'll help her sit down. She said I was a gentleman! " "

So the friend asked again, "Were you looking around when she spoke?"

The infantry said, "No, I've been watching her. She said I was gentle and charming! " "

Finally, the friend asked, "What did you let her do on her own?"

The infantry said gloomily, "If only it were like this. When I got home, she said she was thirsty, so I ran to buy it for her.

"The friend said," that's great! "

The infantry added, "But out of years of habit, as soon as I opened the drink can, I threw it at her and hid myself in the grass."

In ... "

24、

One day, a driver was robbed while driving, and the roadblock said, "Get off! ! "The barricade added," Do 100 prone position.

Hold on. "

The driver was forced to obey and said, "I've never seen you rob the road like this." After that, the robber said, "Make another 500."

The driver did it again, and then the driver was weak and dizzy.

The robber shouted to the Woods behind him, "Sister, you can go to town in his car.

25、

One day, a little devil who claimed to know a few Chinese characters was wandering in the street, hungry and began to look for a restaurant. It's already here.

At the door of a small noodle restaurant, I saw several big characters written on the water sign at the door: beef noodles, large rows of noodles, simple meals.

He wanted to taste it, so he went in.

The busy waiter ran over and asked, "What kind of noodles do you want, sir?"

"I eat ..." The little devil said, and wanted to show off his recognition of Chinese characters, so he turned his head and looked at the words written vertically on the water label.

I read aloud: "I eat a bowl of cow, big and poop …" I want to eat shit loudly and slowly.

So all the diners in the restaurant looked at the little devil in surprise and whispered, "This beast is really fierce!" "

26、

One day, a Japanese working in China went to the countryside to shoot wild ducks.

When he finally shot a wild duck, the wild duck fell into a farmer's yard.

The Japanese climbed over the fence to catch their prey. But the farmer who witnessed everything shook his shotgun and said loudly, "Look here, not in the middle."

Hunting in chaos. The devil replied, "I shot the duck, so it should be mine." I do. "The farmer said.

"It flew in China and was killed by you or landed in China. Go to the village with me and pay a fine! " They have been arguing.

The problem of eating ducks. After a while, the devil said, "We should decide in the traditional way. Use Japanese Bushido

Spiritual decision! "The farmer looked down on Bushido, so he asked contemptuously," What is the method of Bushido? "the devil

Explained: "first, I kick your ass." Then you kick my ass again, so kick each other until one side lets go.

Give up. The winner gets the duck. The farmer thought about it and agreed to take part in the competition. But the farmer asked himself to kick first.

To show fairness. Thinking about revenge for the villagers who were killed more than 60 years ago, but he knows better, and now he still

You can't kill the japs. Then, the farmer in China stretched his leg back and gave the devil a kick on the ass with all his strength. ache

The unwilling demon fell to the ground, moaning and wailing and rolling. Ten minutes later, he tried to get up and bite his teeth.

"Now it's my turn," he said huskily. Farmer China said, "Oh, no, this duck is yours. You can get out.

Went back. "

27、

I was on a business trip with my colleagues. The local colleagues were hospitable and hosted a banquet in characteristic hotel's private room that night. man

After sitting down, a dozen men and women have been chatting, and only one person is ordering. All right, let's ask for your opinions.

See: "The dish is ready. Do you want to add it?"

In this case, in Beijing, we usually ask the young lady to quote the name of the dish she ordered. So a buddy in Beijing

Say, "Miss, report."

Miss saw his one eye, nothing happened.

"Miss, report it!" Dude, it's a little urgent.

Miss face flushed, still nothing happened.

"What? I asked you to report it. Did you hear that? " Dude, it's really urgent.

A female colleague hurriedly dozen circle field: "Miss, you hurry up and report one by one!" "

The young lady mumbled something and asked, "So, so ... is it okay to hold a woman instead of a man?"

"poof!" A female colleague just took a long sip of tea and sprayed it all on the person in front. A dozen people laughed together, miss.

I'm at a loss.

28、

It's time to serve Let's have a mixed face lift first. A large plate of lapis lazuli was served, followed by several dishes of ingredients and sauces.

Yes Miss didn't pay attention when serving, and a drop of sauce spilled on a buddy's pants. So is that buddy.

Deliberately teasing, he pretended to be unhappy and asked the young lady, "What should I do?"

The young lady said calmly, "Whatever you want."

"What do you suggest?"

"Do what you want?"

"What do you usually do here?"

"Why don't I help you?"

"Very good."

I saw the lady holding chopsticks in one hand and a spoon in the other, and quickly poured several dishes of ingredients and sauces on the rapier.

Son, just mix a few brushes. Then he said to his buddy, "Sir, you can eat."

Buddy stared at the plate for a long time without saying anything, and another colleague said "thank you" to the lady for him.

Thank you ".

29、

The main course is served-roast leg of lamb, a big plate of meat bones and a plate of salt and pepper. A Beijing buddy loves this mouth.

You're welcome to grab a leg of lamb, click it is a bite, eat it loudly.

The young lady looked at it and said, "Sir, this should be dipped." The man looked at the tracking lady and then at it.

In order to meet local colleagues. A local colleague said, "It tastes better when dipped in it."

The buddy then stood up with a leg of lamb and clicked again.

The young lady hurried over and asked, "Do you need anything, sir?"

"ah? No. "

"Then please sit down and eat."

The buddy sat down and muttered, looking at everyone, lost. Carefully put the leg of lamb in your mouth,

Take a careful bite.

The young lady added, "Sir, you should dip this."

Buddy stood up, waved a leg of lamb and shouted angrily, "You have to eat standing and sitting.

How to eat! ? "

30、

The table is full and the leaders are here.

The house was full of greetings. The lady next to the banquet is very beautiful, new, inexperienced and quite tight.

Zhang.

Everyone sat down, and someone called, "Miss, tea!" "

Miss hurried forward and pointed her finger: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, seven in all!"

Everyone laughed, and the leader went on to say, "pour the tea!" "

The young lady quickly "checked" again: "7, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, or 7."

Someone asked, "What are you counting?"

The young lady hesitated and replied in a low voice, "I am a dog."

Everyone was very angry and shouted, "Call your manager!" As soon as the manager came in, he put his hand down and asked with a smile, "What do you want to tell me?"

The leader said, "Don't ask more questions. Go and ask the young lady's age. "

The manager was confused and did as he said. He replied: "18 years old, dog!"

The leader smiled and everyone laughed. It is not convenient for everyone to pursue the massive failure of leaders. Miss, manager, it's like falling five miles

Clouds.

3 1、

After drinking for 30 days, a dish came up: "Stewed tortoise!"

Everyone was happy, but they didn't forget the rules. Someone waved the turtle's head with a bamboo stick and said, "The leader moved, the leader moved!" "

The leader looked at the tortoise's flustered head and was unhappy. He doesn't want to reconcile the ending of this statement, and he doesn't want to go against everything.

So he picked up the spoon and tasted the soup, saying, "Good, good! Please make yourself at home. "

Someone said, "Yes-a turtle should have soup!" " The leader almost spat with anger.

Soon, the soup was almost finished, and something came out and asked, "Miss, what is this?"

The young lady quickly replied, "It's an asshole." Everyone was surprised and happy: "Leaders eat first, leaders eat first!"

The leader didn't hear the words "bad luck" and was very happy. He called the young lady: "Give it to everyone!"

For a long time, the young lady didn't move, and the leader asked angrily, "Why, is this unclear?"

The young lady said awkwardly, "How to divide seven people and six bastards?"

Everyone looked at each other, full of delicious food, hard to swallow.

32、

A taxi driver pulled a passenger at the railway station. The driver saw that the passenger was honest.

Another foreigner, wanted to kill him, so he dragged him around the railway station.

On the sixth lap, the passenger pointed to a statue on the roadside and said, "There are so many statues in your city.

I saw six statues along the way. They were exactly the same. "

The driver was surprised and thought, this guy is quite careful. Then he rolled his eyes and said, "We love to erect statues on the roadside.

And most of them are the same. "

The passenger nodded and said, "Oh, I see, but there is one thing I don't understand."

"What?" The driver asked.

"Why is there an identical old man selling apples under the six statues?"