What's it like to have a vicious mother?

When I was young, I lived in fear and fear. As long as I am at home, I am always ready to be beaten and scolded. If I don't do my housework well, I will be beaten and scolded. I was forced to wear her son's leftover clothes and was kicked out at night. The first thing I do when I go home every weekend is to be scolded. I often don't understand why I was beaten and scolded. I even abused myself and hit my head against the wall. Once when I was beaten and scolded, I moved my knife. I wear underwear because a female classmate in my class told me that I will wear underwear when I grow up. Every time I go to school, I bring some steamed bread and save some money, but it is stolen. I am sad and helpless, but I won't tell her. I would rather be hungry than tell her. I want to go to college, but she won't let me. It feels like the sky is falling. Being beaten and scolded at home, looking for a job alone with bedding. Nobody knows. When you encounter difficulties, you just try to solve them yourself. After marriage, I provoked our relationship and told my husband that she was lonely. My husband told me a joke. She instigated him to hit me and said he could pull his hair. My neighbor's child is divorced, and she gossips that if one day I get divorced, I won't go home. The kind of life since childhood has made me indifferent, unable to speak, very economical, dependent on myself when something goes wrong, inferior, and under great ideological pressure. I often feel that I have a personality problem. Now, whatever she says, I won't fight back, but I will help her, because her son and daughter-in-law pretend to be poor, without hatred, but without intimacy. If there is an afterlife, like a passerby, I would like to live in peace.