How to write English jokes?

Boy: Hey, haven't we dated before? Once or twice?

Girl: There must have been once. I never make the same mistake twice.

Boy: Hey, have we dated before, once or twice? I forgot.

Girl: It should only be once. I never make the same mistake twice.

2009-5-30

In an entrance examination for a conservatory of music, a teacher asked one of the boys, "What is the most important physical quality of a musician?"

"Deaf," the boy replied.

"Nonsense!" The teacher said angrily.

"Why, Sir! Don't you know that the famous musician Beethoven is deaf? " The boy asked contemptuously.

In an entrance examination for a conservatory of music, the teacher asked one of the boys, "What is the most important physical quality of a musician?"

"Deaf," the boy replied.

"Nonsense!" The teacher said angrily.

"What's the matter, Sir! Don't you know that the famous musician Beethoven is deaf? " The boy asked contemptuously.

2009-5-28

A man was sitting in a bar with the saddest expression on his face.

Bartender: "What's the matter? Do you have any problems with your wife? "

Man: "We had a fight, and she told me that she wouldn't talk to me for a month."

Bartender: "That should make you happy."

Man: "No, I'm married today!" "

A man was sitting in a bar, very sad.

Bartender: "What's the matter with you? Have a problem with your wife? "

Man: "We had a fight, and she said she wouldn't talk to me for a month."

Bartender: "Then you should be happy!" "

Man: "No, today is the last day of this month."

Laughter 2009-5-27

A woman worries about the future until she finds a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

Women are worried about the future until they find a husband. Men never worry about the future before they get married.

2009-5-26

A man will spend 2 dollars to buy a commodity with the value of 1 dollar he wants. A woman will spend 1 dollar on a $2 thing she doesn't want.

If a man wants something worth 1 yuan but sells in 2 yuan, he will also buy it; For a woman, even if something she doesn't want is only sold for 1 yuan for 2 yuan, she will buy it.

2009-5-25

Girls' dormitories will be closed to all boys, and vice versa. "Anyone who is found to have violated this regulation will be fined $20 for the first time. Anyone caught violating this rule for the second time will be fined $60. Being caught for the third time will be fined 180 USD. Are there any questions? " At this time, a male student in the crowd asked, "hmm ... how much is a season ticket?"

Girls' dormitories will completely ban boys, and boys' dormitories will also ban girls.

"Anyone who breaks the rules will be fined $20 for the first time. If you do it again, you will be fined 60 dollars. A fine of 180 USD is required for the third arrest. Are there any questions? "

At this time, a gay man in the crowd learned: "So how much is a quarterly pass?"

2009-5-24

Boy: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: Actually, I want money more.

Boy: Can I buy you a drink?

Girl: You'd better give me the money.

2009-5-22

Doctor: Your cough sounds much better today.

Patient: Of course. I practiced all night.

Doctor: It sounds like your cough is much better today.

Patient: I think so. I practiced all night last night.

2009-5-2 1

Peter: "Last time I went hunting, I fell off a high cliff. Can you believe that every stupid thing I did came to my mind when I fell?"

Bob: "You must have fallen from a very high mountain."

Peter: "Last time I went hunting, I fell off a high cliff. Believe it or not, when I fell, all the stupid things I did came to my mind. "

Bob: "You must have fallen from a high mountain."

2009-5- 19

Spending the night with their grandparents, two little boys knelt by their beds and prayed before going to bed. The little boy began to pray at the top of his voice: "I pray for a bike ... I pray for a new DVD."

His brother nudged him and said, "Why are you praying loudly? God is not deaf. "

The younger brother replied, "no, but grandma is!" "

Two boys spent the night with their grandparents. They knelt by the bed and prayed before going to bed. My brother prayed at the top of his lungs: "I pray for a bike, a new DVD…… ..."

My brother nudged him gently: "Why are you yelling and praying?" God is not deaf. "

The younger brother replied, "God is not deaf, but grandma is deaf."

2009-5- 18

A policeman found a woman knitting a sweater while driving. He walked up to her and said, "Pull over!"

"No," she replied, "a pair of socks!"

The policeman found a woman knitting a sweater while driving, so he drove over and said, "Pull over (pullover)!" "

"No," she replied, "it's a pair of socks!" \

He is really a big shot.

-My uncle has 1000 people.

-He's really something. What does he do?

-The maintenance man in the cemetery.

He is really a big shot.

There are 1000 people under my uncle.

-He's really a big shot. What do you do?

Graveyard keeper.

English jokes (3)

Shortly after an old lady from China came back from visiting her daughter in the United States, she went to a city bank to deposit the dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the clerk carefully checked every bill to see if it was true. This made the old lady impatient.

Finally, she couldn't hold on any longer and said. "Believe me, Sir, believe in money. They are real dollars. They are directly from the United States. "

They were brought directly from America.

An old lady from China came back from visiting her daughter in the United States and went to a city bank to deposit the dollars her daughter gave her. At the bank counter, the bank clerk carefully checked every banknote to see if it was fake.

This made the old woman very impatient. Finally, she couldn't help saying, "Trust me, sir, and please trust these bills, too. These are real dollars, and they are brought directly from the United States. "

logical inference

A fourth-grade teacher is giving her students a logic lesson.

"Here's the thing," she said. "A man was standing on a boat in the middle of the river fishing. He lost his balance, fell into the water and started splashing and shouting.

G for help. His wife heard the commotion and knew that he couldn't swim, so she ran to the shore. Why do you think she ran to the bank? "

A girl raised her hand and asked, "Do you want to withdraw all his savings?"

logical inference

The fourth grade teacher is giving a logic lesson to the students. She gave an example like this: "There was a case where a man was fishing on a boat in the middle of a river and suddenly lost his center of gravity and fell into the water. So he began to struggle and shouted for help. His wife heard his cry and knew that he couldn't swim, so she hurried to the river. Who can tell me why? " A girl raised her hand and answered, "Are you going to withdraw his deposit?"

[Note] In English, besides the familiar "bank", bank also means "river bank".

Have you stopped hitting your wife? Did you stop hitting your wife?

This story is about an aggressive lawyer who habitually tries to intimidate his opponent's witnesses.

A witness tends to give a lengthy explanation before answering.

"I want' yes' or' no'," thundered the lawyer. You don't need to argue about it! "

"But some questions can't be answered with' yes' or' no'," the witness replied gently.

"None!" The lawyer snapped.

"Oh," said the witness, "then answer this question:" Have you stopped hitting your wife? "

This story is about an aggressive defense lawyer who is used to trying to intimidate opposing witnesses.

A witness is a little inclined to give a lengthy explanation before answering questions.

"I want you to answer yes or no," the defense lawyer thundered. "You don't need to argue about this question."

"But some questions cannot be answered with' yes' or' no'." The witness responded to him gently.

"There is no such problem!" The lawyer snapped at him.

"Oh," said the witness, "then please answer this question:" Have you stopped hitting your wife? "

A talking clock

A talking clock

When a college student proudly showed off his new apartment to his friends, he led them into the study. "What are those big gongs and hammers for?" One of his friends asked. "That's a talking clock," the man replied. "What's the effect?"

"Watch," the man said, and then struck the gong deafening with a hammer. Suddenly, someone screamed from the other side of the wall, "Stop knocking, you idiot! It's two in the morning! "

A student showed his friend around his new apartment and was very proud. "What's that big gong and hammer for?" One of his friends asked him. "That thing is amazing. This is a talking clock, "the student replied. "How does this clock work?" His friend asked. "Look, don't blink." The student stepped forward, picked up a gong and a hammer, and knocked deafening. Suddenly, they heard someone screaming on the other side next door, "Stop knocking, you idiot! It's two in the morning! "

secret of longevity

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on the porch.

"I can't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What is the secret of your happiness and longevity?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, drink a case of whisky a week, eat high-fat food and never exercise."

"Wow, that's amazing," said the woman. "How old are you?"

"Twenty-six."

The secret of longevity

A lady walked up to the little old man rocking in a chair on the porch.

"I was surprised to find out how happy you are," said the lady. "What is the secret of your happiness and longevity?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, drink a case of whisky a week, eat high-fat food and never exercise."

"Oh, it's amazing," said the lady. "Are you old?"