What is it like to be around someone who makes you feel so violent that it can break through the atmosphere?

I am a person with negative energy, and I will be depressed for a few days every time. When I am not mourning, others have the impression that I am optimistic, cheerful, talkative, and willing to talk to others. When I am mourning, I just want to be alone and quietly, and I don’t want to talk to anyone. I will feel abandoned, alienated, or ignored because of other people's small actions, which will make me extremely angry. In the past, I would always try to restrain myself and not hurt others, even if they hurt me. Now, why should I forgive the person who hurt me, and why should I try to laugh so as not to make the other person feel guilty? Life is so short, why bother yourself? I'm tired of appearing as a weakling in order to stay, and I'm tired of being abandoned when I give in.