Dad, tell us a joke.

A county magistrate with a strong accent went to the village to give a report: rabbit, shrimp, pig tail! No pickles, pickles are too expensive! Attention, comrades and villagers! Stop talking and have a meeting now! After the county magistrate finished, the host said: Sausage pickles, please! Now, please talk to the township head! The township head said: Rabbit, the dog ate today's meal, and everyone is a big jerk! Comrades, that's enough for today. We are all big bowls! Don't be a pickle, I'll pick up a piece of shit and lick it for you.

On one occasion, two scholars visited Ouyang Xiu, a great writer in the Song Dynasty. On the way, they happened to be sitting in the same boat with Ouyang Xiu, but neither of them knew Ouyang Xiu.

These two scholars also know a little about poetry, but they think they are experts. At this moment, a white goose suddenly jumped into the water, and the two of them couldn't help being poetic and picturesque by generate. One man shouted, "There is a goose on the shore," another man replied, "Jump into the river."

Both of them muttered to themselves, but they couldn't recite the following poem or make up a poem. Seeing that they were in a hurry, Ouyang Xiu helped to sing: "White hair floats with green water, and red palms stir up clear waves."

The two scholars were surprised to see Ouyang Xiu say such a good poem, but on second thought, they felt something was wrong. One of them shouted at Ouyang Xiu: "You are so thick-skinned. Is this poem yours? " Ouyang Xiu smiled and said, "This poem is really not mine. It was written by Luo, one of the four outstanding figures in the early Tang Dynasty, when he was a child. " Hearing this, the two men laughed: "I tell you, with your appearance, you can also read poetry." Ouyang Xiu just laughed.

Soon, three people got off the boat. Two scholars saw a pile of ash on the shore and wanted to show their poems. One man shouted, "Look at a pile of ashes from a distance", and another added, "Look at a pile of ashes from a distance." Due to lack of talent, the two of them can't stand it any longer. I saw Ouyang Xiu chanting unhurriedly, "A gust of wind starts and the sky is full of snow." Hearing this, they were all surprised, knowing that Ouyang Xiu was singing a good poem, but they were unwilling to give up. One of them pretended to say, "This is not a clever sentence, so-so." The other said, "I'm connected, but I'm a little reluctant."

They walked on, and soon they saw a dead tree by the roadside. One scholar chanted, "A dead tree by the roadside", and another chanted, "Two big branches."

Two people want to sing, but can't think of words, so they have to sing these two sentences over and over again, with their eyes straight. Ouyang Xiu couldn't see the past, so he added two sentences to them: "Moss is a leaf from spring to the sun, and snow is a flower in winter." After listening to them, they still refused to give up and continued to compete with Ouyang Xiu. They chanted, "They both went aboard to visit Ouyang Xiu." Ouyang Xiu laughed to himself after hearing this, and immediately said, "Xiu already knows you, and you still don't know how to fix it (shame)."

Ears are here.

The new magistrate is from Shandong. Because I had to pay the bill, I said to the master, "Go and buy me two bamboo poles." As soon as the master heard that the "bamboo pole" in Shandong dialect was "pig liver", he quickly agreed and rushed to the butcher's shop and said, "Master Xinxian wants to buy two pieces of pig liver. You are a smart man, you should know! " The shopkeeper is a clever man. He immediately cut off two pieces of pig liver and gave a pair of pig ears. Out of the butcher's shop, the master thought, "My master told me to buy pig liver, and this pig ear is mine …" So he wrapped the hunting ear and stuffed it into his pocket. Back to the county government, I reported to the magistrate: "Report back to Grandpa, I bought pig liver!" " The magistrate was very angry when he saw that the master had bought pig liver, and said, "Where are your ears!" " Hearing this, the master turned pale with fear and quickly replied, "Ear … Ear … here … in my … pocket!" " " "

Do what you see.

Once upon a time, there was a landlord who loved chickens very much. The tenant rented his field, but if he couldn't pay the rent, he had to give him a chicken first. A tenant named Zhang San went to pay the rent to the landlord at the end of the year and rented it out the next year. When he went, he put a chicken in a bag and paid the rent. He told the landlord about the lease of the land next year. He insisted that his hand was empty. He opened his eyes and said, "There are no three fields." Zhang Sanming understood the meaning of this sentence and immediately took the chicken out of the bag. As soon as the landlord saw the chicken, he immediately changed his mouth and said, "If I don't give it to Zhang San, who will I give it to?" Zhang San said, "Your words have changed so fast!" The landlord replied, "That sentence was nonsense (chicken talk) just now, and now this sentence is" play it by ear (chicken talk) "

There is a chance.

A commodity salesman went to Guangzhou on business. After arriving in Beijing, he wants to go by plane. Afraid that the manager would not agree to the reimbursement, he sent a telegram to the manager: "There is an opportunity, do you want to seize it?" When the manager received the telegram, he thought it was an "opportunity" to conclude the transaction and immediately called back: "Take it if you can." When the salesman came back from a business trip to reimburse the travel expenses, the manager refused to reimburse the air ticket expenses on the grounds that he was not qualified and would not be reimbursed by plane. The salesman took out the manager's call back and the manager was dumbfounded.

1. Yesterday, I dreamed that God said I could have a wish. I took out a globe and said I wanted world peace. He said it was too difficult to change. I took out your photo and said I wanted this person to look good. On reflection, he said that I would take another look at the globe.

2, the woman is ugly, can't marry, and hopes to be trafficked. Finally, my dream came true, but I couldn't sell it for half a month. The kidnapper sent him back, but she insisted on not getting off. The kidnapper gritted his teeth and stamped his feet: Let's go, don't want the car.

Twenty years ago, my father held you waiting for the bus. Everyone laughed at the ugly child, and my father cried. An old man selling bananas patted his father and said, "Don't cry, big brother, give the monkey a banana!" " ! Poor thing, I'm so hungry that I have no hair. "

On the plane, a parrot said to the stewardess, "Give me a glass of water." The pig followed the parrot's example and said to the stewardess, "Give me a glass of water." The stewardess was furious and threw the parrot and pig off the plane. Then the parrot said to the pig, "Don't be silly, I can fly."

An old farmer was hoeing in the field, and a crow flew over and took a shit and landed on the old farmer's face. The old farmer looked up and cursed: "Depend on your mother! I don't know how to wear shorts when I go out! " The crow said, "Shit! You shit and wear underpants! "

1, unreasonable arithmetic

The arithmetic teacher said, "Here are 10 pears. I ate six, how many are left? " A greedy student replied, "I think we should eat the rest together."

2, rounding

Zaizai came back from school in high spirits and asked his mother, "Where's Dad?" Mother saw Zaizai's excitement and asked strangely, "Is Dad at home? What do you want with dad? " "I asked my father for fifty cents." "Why?" Mom asked. "Before taking the math test, my dad told me,' If I get a score of 100, I'll get 1 yuan, and 80 will be given to 8 cents.' Today, I got 45 points in math. "Aberdeen replied. My mother was surprised and asked, "What! Only 45 points in math? Zaizai proudly said, "Yes, it takes 4 points to give up math, and 5 points for math, so dad has to pay 50 points." "

Step 3 capitalize

A fashionable girl walked into the remittance office of the post office, filled out the money order and handed it to the clerk. When the clerk saw it, he returned the bill and said, "The figures should be capitalized." The girl cocked her head and said, "Capitalized? The grid is so small, how can I write big? "

4. There is nothing wrong.

Min Min: "How to write 7+3= 10, 7+3= 1?" Baby: "I just didn't write 0 at the end!" " Min Min: "That's wrong! "The baby said," 0 doesn't mean anything. "

5. Wu Zetian

In history class, the teacher asked, "Who knows who Wu Zetian is?" Student: "Wu Zetian is a mathematician. Five days later, she will be the great mathematician who invented rounding."

Step 6 wait for the bus

"Dad, the No.4 bus is coming!" "Fool, that's not No.4, it's No.31!" "The teacher said, 3+ 1=4!" The little boy said confidently.

7. That's the difference.

Teacher Fang asked Axi in math class, "What's the difference between one-half and one-eighth?" Asi didn't answer. Teacher Fang said, "Think about it. If you had to choose half an orange or eight sixteenth oranges, which one would you choose? " Axi: "I must have half." "Why?" "A lot of orange juice has been squeezed dry when the oranges are divided into one sixteenth, don't you think so, teacher?"

8. Checking calculation

During the exam, a student took out the dice and shook out ten multiple-choice answers.

At last he suddenly took it out and shook it.

The invigilator finally couldn't bear it: "What are you doing?"

The student replied, "I'm checking."

9, rounding

Zaizai came back from school in high spirits and asked his mother, "Where's Dad?" Mother saw Zaizai's excitement and asked strangely, "Is Dad at home? What do you want with dad? " "I asked my father for fifty cents." "Why?" Mom asked.

"Before taking the math test, my dad told me,' If I get a score of 100, I'll get 1 yuan, and 80 will be given to 8 cents.' Today, I got 45 points in math. "Aberdeen replied.

My mother was surprised and asked, "What! Mathematics is only 45 points? " Zaizai proudly said, "Yes, it has to be rounded off mathematically, so Dad has to pay 50 cents."

10, multiplication table The teacher found a student's name in the exercise book: Mu (1+2+3).

The teacher asked, "Whose exercise book is this?" A student stood up and said, "It's mine!" Teacher: "What's your name?" Student: "Mulinsen!" Teacher: "Then how did you write your name like this?" Student: "I used multiplication and division!" " "