Don’t always say “you are awesome”. Three components of effective praise will teach you how to praise your children to the point.

It is very satisfying to be praised by others.

Children give us many surprises on weekdays, and many parents have realized the benefits of giving their children "rainbow farts".

So I can’t help but say to my children, "You are awesome!" "You are amazing!" and "You are so smart."

However, if you always praise your children in such a few words, over time, the children will feel that the parents are perfunctory, because the children do not know what they have done well.

This kind of ineffective praise is not only useless, but may also destroy the child.

Yes, it is indeed wrong to praise your child every day for being awesome.

Carol Dweck, a professor of developmental psychology at Stanford University, led the team and spent 10 years. Specializing in studying the impact of praise on children, they conducted an experiment on 400 students in 20 schools in New York, and the conclusion about "growth mindset" shocked the academic community.

At the beginning of the experiment, the children were asked to complete a simple puzzle, and then the children were divided into two groups for praise.

One group praised them for their intelligence, and the other group praised their efforts.

The second test provides two options, one easy and one difficult.

It was found that most of the children who were praised for their intelligence chose simple tasks.

Most of the children who were praised for their efforts chose the difficult task.

The third round of testing was a difficult task and the children all failed.

However, what is interesting is that the reaction of children who are praised for being smart is that they think they are not smart enough and have failed, and are very discouraged.

The reaction of the child who was praised for his hard work was: It seems that he has not worked hard enough, so he should just keep working hard.

The final round of testing was as simple as the first round, but the results obtained by the two teams of children were quite different.

The score of the child who was praised for being smart dropped by about 20 points compared with the first time.

The test scores of the children who were praised for their efforts improved by 30 points compared with the first time.

Did the results surprise you?

Why is this?

Dweck explained:

"When we praise children for being smart, we are telling them that in order to stay smart, don't take the risk of making mistakes. Children will feel that success is not there When they face failure, they are often helpless. "

Children who are praised for their intelligence can easily fall into a "fixed mindset". Children with this kind of thinking often feel that their efforts are in vain.

"Praising children for their hard work will give them a sense of control. Children will think that success is in their own hands.

Children who are praised for their hard work will Children with a "growth mindset" will think that every failure is a lesson.

Professor Dweck's experiment tells us: "Praise the child's talent rather than his efforts, strategies and skills." Choice will slowly kill his growth mindset! ”

Indeed, the growth path of a child who no longer believes in the usefulness of hard work will indeed worry his parents.

We must praise him in a way that can trigger his child’s growth mindset. You might as well try that effective praise has three important components: a happy voice with passion, specific content of praise, and physical actions or contact.

1. A happy and passionate voice is your voice. You are very happy.

If you want to praise your child for doing well, you must show happiness and excitement in your voice to express that the parents are satisfied with their child's behavior.

We. When talking to babies and young children, many people instinctively speak a higher register. This tone of appreciation is high-pitched and passionate. This tone should be used when praising children.

Don't say dryly and tiredly: "Not bad" - that way the child won't feel your importance.

2. The praise should be specific and let him know exactly what he did right.

When you see something your child does well, describe it and let your child know.

For example, when a child cleans his room, it means: the floor is clean, the bed is flat, and the books are neatly stacked on the bookshelf.

For example, if the homework was done very quickly today, it would be: "It is great that the homework was done so quickly and efficiently today."

Let your child know what you like, and he will strengthen it.

In the end, the child will strive to maintain such good behavior every day and get encouragement from his parents

3. There is physical movement or contact.

You can give a pat on the shoulder, a hug, a kiss, or a thumbs up.

Parents remember to adjust your body movements to suit the age of your child. If you praise an 8-year-old child as you would a toddler, the child will feel that you want to be superior in front of him.

Parents only need to say to him in a warm voice: Good job and pat the child on the shoulder gently.

Therefore, effective praise requires only three actions: a happy tone, telling him what is good, appropriate body movements or contact, and no other unnecessary actions.

Children get three effective messages from parents’ praise: first, I did something right; second, I know what I did right; third, I received love rewards and encouragement. These three points are consistent with the principle of positive reinforcement.

Persisting in praising children in this way is enough to strengthen a behavior, and the child will gradually solidify this behavior into a habit.

Parents can quickly see behavioral changes and progress

Therefore, if parents praise their children in the wrong way, not only will they not be able to help their children build self-confidence, but they may also hinder them. development.

Professor Wei Kunlin of Peking University in "The Most Powerful Brain" said something like this when others praised his daughter: "When my child is praised, I should be very happy. According to what everyone says now This is to help my daughter build her self-confidence.

In fact, I am a little embarrassed, because I am very grateful for their kindness, but I have to oppose their method of praise. ”

So every time someone praised his daughter, he would change the way of praise and praise the child again in person.

For example:

If someone praises a child for his talent in mathematics, he will praise him again in front of his daughter and say: "She really likes arithmetic and practices often."

When someone praises a child for her ability to memorize Tang poetry, he or she will say: "She particularly likes Tang poetry and spends a lot of time memorizing it."

If a friend praises her for her musical talent, he or she will say: "She still works very hard at playing the piano because she thinks the music is very beautiful."

Professor Wei believes that if praise is inappropriate, it will make children resist failure, be afraid of challenges, give up easily, and even lie about it.

Therefore, it is important to praise children for mastering methods and techniques.

So what are some bad ways to praise someone to avoid?

1. Empty and overwhelming praise. If your child doesn't do anything, he's just a "good kid" or "awesome" --- gradually, your praise is no longer a real reward, nor is it valuable.

Flooding and excessive praise should also be avoided.

Originally, a thing is not a big deal, but if you praise it too much, it will make the child feel a little carried away, which will in turn affect his enthusiasm for doing other things.

Children will overestimate their abilities and underestimate some things.

2. Link the child’s personality to praise.

"Doing this will make you not frivolous" "Doing this will make you a pure man".

There are always times when people do not do well. If you link praise and criticism with personality, children will have doubts about personality.

3. Link love for children with praise.

"This is what my mother likes" and "This is the good child my mother loves." Gradually, the child will think that your love is conditional, and he must please you in order to get love.

4. Link praise to comparison.

"It would be great if you were like this every day" "If you were always like this, you would be almost like your brother" "If you are like this, you are only half as good as the little girl next door."

In this way, the child will be discouraged and the effect of praise will be gone.

In order to avoid being unable to restrain themselves from praising children for their intelligence, American primary school teachers have developed a special "speech list" based on this guideline for parents to refer to.

Whenever you encounter children who perform well and you can’t help but want to praise "you are so smart", just choose one of the 15 sentences to replace it!

1. You work very hard! ——Praise for hard work

2. Although it is difficult, you have never given up——Praise for perseverance

3. Your attitude in doing things is very good——Praise for attitude

4. You have made a lot of progress in XXX! ——Praise the details

5. This method is really innovative! ——Praise for creativity

6. You work great with your friends! ——Praise for the spirit of cooperation

7. You are not afraid of difficulties at all, which is so rare! ——Praise for courage

8. You helped XXX complete her task. That’s great! ——Praise for enthusiasm

9. You have tidied up your room/books so well. ——Praise for responsibility and organization

10. You are responsible for this matter very well! ——Praise for leadership

11. I believe in you because... ——Praise for credit

12. You performed very well when participating in the event today! ——Praise for participation

13. You attach great importance to other people’s opinions, which is very good. ——Praise for open-minded attitude

14. I’m so glad you made such a choice. ——Praise for the choice

15. You remember XXX! So thoughtful! ——Praise for carefulness

Therefore, if you want your praise to help your children develop new good habits, don’t praise them casually thousands of times. Instead, you should use a warm tone, say the specific content of the compliment, and use gentle body movements. Children are very useful and consciously want to do things well in order to receive praise and praise from adults.