Threatening sentence patterns have become a high-frequency communication skill. How do parents get rid of the "addiction" of power?

During the Spring Festival holiday, due to the low outdoor temperature in Beijing, the children's paradise in shopping malls has become the first choice for most parents to take their babies for a walk.

Self-service wooden toy store is a frequent place for Oreo. There is usually only one clerk in the shop. When there are many people, there are more than twenty children online at the same time.

To this end, every parent has an important task, that is, to take good care of their children and deal with a series of problems such as fighting, hitting people, fooling around and throwing toys.

So, in the store, parents can be seen yelling at their children from 2 meters away, and parents can also be seen bending over to warn, whispering, dragging their children away directly, and even many people brush their mobile phones themselves. ...

It seems like a small shop, but it has staged various big problems related to educational communication.

Observation and statistics show that the communication between parents and children has risen to a white-hot time:

"If you don't listen, I'll hit you."

"Go home if you don't listen."

Threatening sentences such as "Don't listen, don't buy xxx" have become frequently used communication words.

Everyone has more or less experienced this: when we are impatient, anxious and helpless, especially when we have talked to our children for countless times and still can't communicate, it is easier to say such threatening words as "If we don't ...".

As an educational exchange, the threatening sentence also hides a notice from authority. This kind of notice is usually either a or b, which is not negotiable.

After all, for preschool and post-school children, because of their physical and mental independence, they are born with the characteristic of "obeying authority".

"Don't ... just ..." often means the last bottom line for those in power. In most cases, children will obey them when they hear such words.

As biological parents, the biggest motivation behind the frequent use of threatening sentences is of course not sincerity, and the reason usually lies in the communication effect brought by threatening sentences-simple, efficient, convenient and useful.

Usually, this kind of words saves the patience of sorting out a lot of truth, relieves the irritability of dealing with importune, and avoids the frustration caused by explaining it seven or eight times.

However, once the threatening communication method works, the next contradiction escalates, threatening the convenient experience brought to educational communication, which will drive us to get used to enjoying the instructions of "powerful people", imperceptibly form a language addiction, and gradually lose the initial intention and ability of educational communication.

Take "If you don't listen, I will hit you!" This sentence is often an ultimatum before the parents use force, but it is also often a "sentence that there is no way to take the child", which exposes the helplessness and powerlessness in educational communication.

If you look at the familiar Journey to the West from another angle, I wonder if you have found an interesting impression:

Tang Priest is wordy, rambling and indecisive.

His educational exchanges with his apprentice Wukong were mainly based on preaching and threats. When the contradiction became hot, he either recited a spell or severed the relationship between master and apprentice, and often did not listen to or understand Wukong's thoughts.

Speaking of this, many parents can also find their own shadow from Tang Yan ... From this perspective, the educational communication between Tang Yan and Wukong is a little weak, and many times they stand on the wrong side because they can't tell whether people are demons or not, so they feel sorry for the ending.

Therefore, the more threats and force are used in education, the less your educational communication skills will be.

At the same time, children are full of curiosity, which even includes: What will parents look like when they are angry next time? How angry?

Most emboldened parents often lose their prestige in front of their children.

Because the previous temptation has made the children understand the routine of development and the method of self-protection, in the end, it is still us who can't control the children.

Do you still remember the 7-year-old boy who was abused by his mother with wires and knives for two years every day in Xi 'an, Shaanxi Province?

His mother stayed in the children's village every day after being arrested by the police. During the period, the person in charge once said, "He will not get along with other children. For other children, he waved his fist if he didn't agree, and suffered from violence for a long time, which made him feel that his fist could solve all problems. "

If you say kicking and swearing, you are telling children that force is the solution to the problem; Then, parents who rely on threatening words for a long time often make their children feel that "don't talk so much nonsense" and "threats can solve everything".

Immediately, the natural imitation attribute will also weaken children's patience, and they are used to dealing with all the relationships and problems around them with threats, impatience, laziness in communication, talking about conditions and even violence.

Not long ago, 3-year-old Oreo met a little brother of the same age while playing in a log cabin. There is a pool in the shop, which is covered with round lines of wood. It looks like an ocean ball pool full of Wangzi steamed buns.

When it was fun, my little brother began to throw wood particles outside. The mother on the side called him "Don't throw" at a distance of 1 m, while the little brother seemed to be used to not even looking back.

After several pleasantries, my little brother enjoyed himself more, and the sound of wood particles scraping on the floor became louder and louder, attracting many people's attention.

The restless mother stood up and shouted at him, "Throw it again and go home!" " The little brother observed his words and deeds, stopped for a few minutes and began to return to his old job.

Finally, my little brother was really threatened to go home, which felt like a habit. ...

As for the world he knows today, only "Mom is angry and I am threatened again"

There will still be "why throw toys?" It is wrong to throw toys. Have you ever thought that the consequences of throwing toys will make other children slip and get hurt? "

My guess came to a screeching halt from the moment they walked out of the cabin.

So, how to avoid contradictions and threats blurting out after emotional escalation? In addition to reminding myself to change and constantly optimize communication methods in my usual educational cognition, the following small details are shared with you:

When my little brother throws wood particles, before discouraging him, let him form a habit-first think about why he behaves like this.

The little brother in the cabin suddenly started throwing wood particles because he thought it was a more exciting thing?

Or is he feeling a little bored at the moment?

When you are sure that your child is bored, you should help him find more attractive ways to play.

Even if many children play together, it looks lively, but it is not necessarily interesting.

When children are bored, they don't necessarily behave like adults, but they often look for some new stimuli in their behavior. At this time, we'd better confirm with him whether it's fun or not. If he finds it boring, discuss another trip with him.

Once, a friend shared an interesting story with me about her daughter quitting diapers, which showed that other people's comments were actually very important in children's eyes.

This evaluation is first satisfied by parents. A compliment from us and a "great baby" will make them very happy. With the growth of age, this evaluation and satisfaction will extend to others.

One day, a friend took her daughter to buy diapers. When the aunt at the counter asked how old the child was to wear diapers, the friend said "three years old". At that time, the teller's aunt said half jokingly, "I still wear diapers when I was three years old." That day, my daughter and mother took the diapers home together, but because of a stranger's comment, they never opened them again.

Children are naturally curious and like novelty, but they often hear elders and parents with children say "don't touch this, don't touch that, children can't play" and so on.

Then while taking away what the babies want to try, they say a bunch of reasons why they can't play.

Usually when Oreo wants to try something strange or experience something more exciting, I usually communicate with him and ask him to try more while ensuring safety.

Finally, what he came to share with me is often the truth he summed up himself. And I, as long as there is a surprise, he will have a sense of accomplishment.

Once, before I could throw my express box, Oreo pulled out a bubble, which he had never played before he was three years old.

At this time, I was busy with a family dinner in the kitchen, and I was in a hurry.

Because he picked them off with his fingers. As a result, it is conceivable that there will be many pieces on the floor, and the foam residue is very light, which will fly when swept. Imagine that the skull hurts, but I totally refuse.

But I didn't say "no", but agreed with Oreo that I could only play 1~2 minutes. Naturally, he asked me why, and I told him the reason directly. In this way, the home will be very messy, mother will be very tired and difficult to clean, and it will be very sad to take medicine when she is sick. He seemed to feel the scene of taking medicine and immediately agreed.

However, in this one or two minutes, to my surprise:

He didn't just experience the feeling of foam breaking into pieces, as I thought.

He also poked holes in the foam with his finger.

Install the detachable engineering vehicle screws.

Then he asked me to come out of the kitchen with a sense of accomplishment.

Humming the ending song "Babu, the engineer, we can do it ...".

Treating children, in addition to principled habits or things like brushing your teeth and washing your hands, you need to persist in education. In other communication, we should try our best to get rid of the "no, no" mindset, tell a lot of truth every time, try our best to help children divert their attention, give ideas, discuss solutions and provide good suggestions. Their performance may surprise us.

Many times, in the education of preschool children, we often have a stereotype that children are still young and prefer the communication mode of "I say you listen" or "I say you can do it".

As a result, when many educational scenes appear, one thing we do more is to give instructions rather than communicate.

Most parents feel this way. Children around the age of 2 have obviously strengthened their awareness of property rights. Whether a toy is yours, mine or his, it is "mine" in their own hands.

At that time, I took Oreo out to play with children my age, and often staged a battle. Then I saw my parents around me and issued a bunch of instructions-the treasure mother who robbed other people's toys said, "Don't rob, that toy is not yours, but someone else's ...&; @% # ",Ma Bao, who was robbed of toys, said," Give the toys to the children to play with ... *&; %# ~"。

So, at that stage, we often see them constantly grabbing, and then we constantly give instructions, and then, whether to grab or grab, until they move to the next age group.

Later, I found that whether it was "don't grab" or "let toys", the educational communication at that moment was education, but not communication.

Those instructions are called "property rights and sharing" for us, but they are illogical for children around 2 years old. The toy snatcher thought, "Why not? That's my toy. The robbed person will think, "What does Jean mean? I don't understand. More importantly, he took my toy. ".

When I realized that this kind of problem belongs to the normal characteristics of 2-year-old children, I began to try to respect their growth law and try to avoid such instructions as "don't grab, share", but help Oreo try to solve the problem.

For example, "Try it and ask my little brother if he can play together", or let him exchange his toys and bring some fresh toys to attract the attention of other children. This kind of inquiry sounds friendly to other children, and most of them are willing to share it.

Gradually, when Oreo was 2 years old, it took us a short time to bid farewell to the nagging principle of not robbing other people's toys.

Oreo also gradually understood what is yours, what is mine and what is his from the initial social interaction, and can apply these communication habits to other scenes: for example, when eating in a restaurant, I encourage him to communicate with the waiter himself and need more ketchup.

No matter how young the child is, no matter how much he can say, we should always remind ourselves to treat the child as an adult.

Ask more questions, discuss more, ask more "why", use more communication sentences such as "good, good, good", and ask more feedback from children after communication, such as "Do you think mom can do this today?" "Do you think dad is right? If not, what do you think? " ...

The rest is to stick to it and develop a good habit of benign communication with children.