Children become "slaves" to learning because of their eagerness to please. Why do they develop this character?

Golden Horse Best Actress? Ma Sichun recently starred in "Come on, you are the best!" "" played the enthusiastic and kind-hearted Fuzi. Her soft, cute and natural performance won unanimous praise from the audience.

In real life, Ma Sichun is not only as kind as the characters in the drama, but also very easy-going and carefree. Many people call her the "little flower with the biggest heart" in the entertainment industry.

I remember that when participating in "Happy Camp", Ma Sichun and Guan Xiaotong played a rubber band game together. Guan Xiaotong stretched out the rubber band and slapped it on Ma Sichun's mouth. Ma Sichun's mouth was instantly swollen. But Ma Sichun still joked with tears in his eyes: "Guan Xiaotong, how much do you hate me?"

When Ma Sichun and Zhou Dongyu appeared on the program "Twelve Tao Feng Wei" together, Zhou Dongyu gave all the work of cutting flowers and grass to Ma Sichun, jokingly saying that Ma Sichun was "embarrassed", and put a tissue on Ma Sichun's head. . When being teased by his friends, Ma Sichun always subconsciously tolerates and tolerates him. In an interview, he said that Zhou Dongyu is one of the few friends I have in the industry. ?

Ma Sichun’s kindness and tolerance have helped people around her, but at the same time, she has also wronged herself?

There are actually many people like her in reality. Psychologist Harriet Braiker wrote a book called "Pleasing is a Disease":

Many people please are no longer simply pleasing others, but uncontrollably trying to please others, subconsciously sacrificing themselves, and even Addicted to other people's recognition and appreciation?

I became a flatterer because I wanted others to like me so much. ?

The beautiful writer Jiang Fangzhou has many labels on her body. She became famous at a young age, is a talented woman, and has a good temper. However, the label she gave herself is "flattery". Why is this?

I remember that she was a guest on the talk show "Round Table Party" with Xu Jinglei. This kind of program is meant for everyone to express their own opinions, and it is normal for the guests to have different opinions. Xu Jinglei is confident, clear-minded, unyielding, and even a little confrontational in the program.

Jiang Fangzhou, on the other hand, is cautious. When faced with a group of people who are older, more experienced and more sophisticated than herself, she humbly caters to everyone's wishes like a little maid serving tea and water. Viewpoints, taking care of everyone's face, observing words and expressions, and responding to everyone's emotions. When there was a dispute among the guests, she would entertain everyone by making fun of herself and telling jokes to liven up the atmosphere.

She became famous at the age of 9 and became the deputy editor-in-chief of "New Weekly" at the age of 23. On the road of growth, Jiang Fangzhou has received various honors and is a sure winner in life, but she herself admitted:? I've never had a "real" relationship with anyone. ?

From Jiang Fangzhou, it is not difficult to see that he is kind-hearted and can always think of others habitually. He often says "I'm sorry", "Sorry", "Sorry", "I'm fine" People who keep saying "yes", "thank you", etc. can easily turn into a "pleasant personality" without even realizing it.

And as Jiang Fangzhou said: "Those who can truly appreciate you will always appreciate your proud appearance, not your pretending to be humble or lovable." ?

If you can’t tell the difference between flattery and humility, Kipling’s words can help you: ?If you can talk to a villager without showing humility, and walk with a prince without showing flattery , child, you will feel the dignity and greatness of personality between lowering your eyebrows and raising your head. ?

二

In the movie "The Disliked Life of Matsuko", the heroine is a typical "pleasant personality".

She has hoped to get her father's love and attention since she was a child. Being kind and gentle, she is willing to study and work according to her father's requirements. However, she can only win her father's smile when she learns the circus faces.

She grew up in a severely repressed environment of fatherly love in order to gain recognition and love from her family. When she grew up, she even did not hesitate to act ugly, lie, and endure domestic violence and deception from her lover, but she always showed her kindness. , all they get in exchange is alienation and regret. Zhihu goddess Wang Nuonuo had a conversation about plastic surgery with Wu Xiaochen, the plastic surgery goddess, in "Unspeakable", which caused a lot of controversy.

Wang Nuonuo believes that inner appearance is more important than appearance, so she will deliberately not wash her hair when attending the company’s annual meeting, not wanting others to pay too much attention to her appearance. However, at the same time, she posts on social accounts The photo posted is another carefully edited selfie of myself.

What caused her to have such a contradictory and twisted worldview?

The reason is that her mother was worried that her daughter would be too fond of beauty and too proud, so she worked with the school teachers to suppress her and refused to let her wear skirts for more than ten years, which made her have trouble throughout her adolescence. Live in inferiority.

Being good-looking, good at both morals and academics, and loved by everyone, it became another 'flaw' in the eyes of her mother, so that Wang Nuonuo could not always face her appearance calmly. Nice review like this.

It is certainly right not to want children to become arrogant and arrogant, but blindly suppressing children will only lead them to the other extreme: dwarfing themselves.

Strict parents often have a strong desire to control. They set strict demands on their children based on their own standards and ignore their inner feelings and real needs. Once a child violates the "rules" set by their parents, they will be criticized, accused, reprimanded, and even beaten.

On the surface, it seems that the child has become obedient and sensible, and is praised by relatives and friends, but in fact, the child is timid and cowardly, afraid to express his true emotions and thoughts, and is passive? Please? Parents have evolved to take the initiative and desire to be loved.

When you grow up, you will not only change from trying to please your parents to trying to please everyone, but it will also lead to a low self-esteem feeling like "I don't deserve to be loved", which will lead to more psychological problems and emotional harm.

三

So, how should we avoid developing children with a pleaser personality? The following suggestions should be helpful to everyone:

(1) Give your children unconditional love and trust

In the movie "Dangal, Dad", the father ignores worldly prejudices and interacts with others. The ridicule eventually cultivated her daughter into an excellent wrestler.

The unconditional love and trust of family members is the best armor for a child’s growth. Parents should be good at discovering their children's talents, provide appropriate guidance, and give their children unconditional trust and love; when encountering setbacks, they should encourage their children to persist. The nourishment of love can give the child a sufficient sense of security and help him grow into a child. Children who love their families, love themselves, and are healthy physically and mentally.

(2) Give children more encouragement and appreciation, which is a source of self-confidence

A mother was washing dishes in the kitchen and heard the sound of children jumping and playing in the backyard. Shouted to him: "What are you doing?" ?The child replied: ?I want to jump to the moon! ?

The mother did not suppress the child, nor did she pour cold water on the child. She just smiled and said: ?Then you must remember to come back! ?This kid later became the first man to land on the moon, he was Armstrong.

Encouragement and appreciation can build children's self-confidence. Positive language can stimulate children's unlimited potential and enhance their self-confidence and self-identity. However, a negative and suppressive growth environment will result in children's unhealthy psychology, timidity, low self-esteem, and cowardly personality to please others.

(3) Respect children’s wishes and choices, and allow them to freely express and accept their imperfect selves

Forrest Gump, the hero of the classic movie “Forrest Gump”, was born with intellectual disability However, his mother is very strong. She patiently guides her son, allows him to enter school and receive a good education, respects his wishes and choices, allows him to express freely, and constantly encourages him to accept his imperfect self, so that he can develop the spirit of self-improvement. Character, and eventually become a remarkable and successful person.

Children are not accessories to their parents. Education full of love and respect is the source of stimulating their potential. As parents, providing children with a free and peaceful growth environment, always encouraging them to express themselves bravely, giving full respect and support, and allowing children to experience the scenery of life independently is what parents should do most.

Professor’s comments:

Children’s growth should be happy, pure, and happy. They laugh when they are happy, cry when they are sad, and sleep when they are tired. You need to please others from an early age, lose yourself, and lose the courage to follow your heart.

For children with a "please" type, parents should reflect on their own education methods and provide positive guidance and affirmation to their children, so that their children can become children who know how to please themselves appropriately and how to say "no" at the right time. people.