Classic Xiehouyu of Xiao Lin's Miscellaneous Notes

A man wants to invite a gentleman to educate his children. One day, a man came to apply for a job, and the host said, "Our family is poor, and there may be many places where we are rude to our husband." What do you think? " The gentleman said, "Don't be so polite, I don't care at all." The host said, "Can I eat vegetables?" Answer: "Yes." The host said: "There is no heavy work at home. Can the old man clean the courtyard and open and close the gate? " Answer: "OK." The host said: "Sometimes my wife and children want to buy odds and ends, so Mr. Injustice will go there, okay?" Answer: "Yes." The host said, "If so, that would be great!" Later, Mr. Wang also said: "I also have a sentence, I hope the host will not be surprised." What did the host ask him? Mr. Wang said, "I am ashamed that I didn't study hard when I was a child!" " "The host said," Why do you say such modest things? " The gentleman said, "I dare not lie to you, but I don't know a word!" "A gentleman is good at nailing. He saw a new student urinating next to Chi Pan, caught him and threatened: "It's impolite for you to urinate in Chi Pan without authorization at school." He ordered the gatekeeper to be humane: "It is the biggest disrespect to take him to Minglun Hall for interrogation, so you should be on your guard. "The student begged him," You are at school. "You must be fined twelve taels of silver. Give five or two if you untie your little hand. " The student said, "I only have one piece of silver on me, which weighs twelve taels." I am willing to give you half. " The teacher said, "Why not separate? Just give it to me. " The student said, "The teacher made it very clear that you should untie five or two small hands. Why twelve taels? " "Never mind," said Mr. Wang. "Even if you give it all to me, I will allow you to relieve yourself by the basin in the future and give you five taels of silver. Don't tell anyone, for fear of ruining my study rules. " Concubinage is not allowed. Her husband is going to marry a concubine, saying, "It has happened before. Qi people have wives and concubines." The wife said. The wife replied, "There is a woman named Cheng in Henan who has two husbands." The husband smiled and couldn't think of any way to embarrass her. In addition, there is a fierce and cunning wife. Every time her husband said he wanted to marry a concubine, she replied, "How can you afford a concubine because your family is poor? If you have money, I will listen to you and do what you want. " The husband borrowed money from others and said to his wife, "Here is the money, please marry me!" " His wife put the money in her sleeve, then bowed down and said, "I'd rather be a concubine now. Money can buy me." Her husband can't embarrass her any more. He once ran into a countryman on patrol, who was in charge of guarding the courtyard gate, and the prefect came. He knelt down and reported, "Too old official has entered." The satrap was very angry and ordered him to play ten boards. The next day, the satrap. The satrap is here again. Considering that the rural dialect is not good and the written language is not good, the countryman reported, "I came the day before yesterday, but I came again today." A person goes to the barber shop for a haircut. When the barber had a rough haircut, he deliberately paid double the money and left. Some days later, he went to the barber's to get a haircut. The barber tried his best to cut his hair and cut it twice. Unexpectedly, I paid less. The barber said unconvinced, "last time I had a rough haircut, I got your reward." I gave you a mental hair this time. Why did I pay less? " Today's salary was paid last time. Today's money was paid last time! Dog dad has a man named Lu who is good at telling jokes. There is a woman next door who is unsmiling. His friend told him, "If you can say a word to make a woman laugh and a word to make a woman scold, I'll treat you to a meal." One day, a woman stood in front of the door, and there was a dog lying in front of the door. Lu said to the kneeling dog, "Grandpa!" The woman couldn't help laughing when she saw it. Someone in Luli looked up and called to her, "Mom!" The woman was very angry and swore. She should prepare wine first. His wife likes drinking, but her husband won't give it to her several times. He also scolded her and said, "There are seven things to open the door: firewood, rice, oil, salt, sauce, vinegar and tea. When have you ever seen the word wine? " The wife said, "You don't have to open the door for wine. I must have bought it the night before. How can you put it on the matter of opening the door? " I met a bosom friend who likes playing the piano at ordinary times. He once said that there is no confidant in the world, and he is always unhappy. One day, when he was free, he played the piano for recreation. Suddenly I heard a sigh next door, thinking that I had met a bosom friend, I knocked at the door and asked what was going on. The old lady next door said, "Nothing. My dead son made a living by playing cotton. Today, your piano sounds particularly like his playing cotton. " I don't feel sad. "The emperor is afraid of jealous wife Fang's wife, who is jealous and fierce. Ling Xuan is too afraid of her to marry a concubine. Emperor Taizong ordered the queen to summon Mrs. Fang and told her that concubinage was very popular now, and there were regulations that the emperor would reward beautiful women. Mrs. Fang resolutely refused, and the emperor ordered her to be threatened with poisoned wine, saying, "If this continues, it will be rebellion. "Yong Dong, a fairy, is very filial. God proposed to a fairy. The fairies saw her off and told her, "If anyone is still filial, please write back. "In the same year, Party A and Party B were appointed in imperial academy, and Party B was appointed as a county magistrate. One day, Party A proudly said to Party B, "I am an official, live in the imperial court and work with my brother. Only the name card used by the customer shows that my status is extremely decent, which is very different from yours. " B said, "How can your name card keep up with the words in my notice? Isn't it more important than your role? Let all the places know that everyone abides by it, but the famous brother's post is useless. " A said, "So when I travel, I am escorted by pholiota adiposa and guards, which is very conspicuous and ostentatious. Did you get it, brother? " B said, "When I went out, people with licensing sticks cleared the way, and the queue was crowded all over the streets, many times more than my buddies." A said, "I have the seal of the historian, marked with the words' Shangyuan'. Don't envy? " B said, "I have the official seal granted by the imperial court, and the power of life and death is in my hands. It's no use looking at your cold official position. Who is afraid of you? " A couldn't help speaking poorly and said, "In short, Hanlin's body is worth thousands of dollars." B sneered. "When I was a director, everyone called me Master Qingtian. Isn't it far more than a few thousand dollars? "An official just took office. When the ceremony ended in front of the door, he found unburned paper money on the ground. The official immediately collected a pile of paper money and hid it. The janitor reported, "Sir, this is paper money. What's the use of asking him? "The official replied," I know, you wait for me to make money. "A farmer planted tomato seedlings but didn't live, and asked the old vegetable farmers for ways to plant them. The vegetable farmer said, "It's not difficult, as long as every tomato seedling is buried with a penny. "The farmer asked why, and the vegetable farmer replied," Those who have money live, and those who have no money die. "An official was too greedy and was caught one day, which makes sense. He doubled his bribe. At the trial, the official drew lots indiscriminately and beat the plaintiff. The plaintiff pointed his finger and said, "I'm right." The official also held out five fingers and said, "Slave, you are right," and then turned his hand and said, "He is more right than you!" An official took out a scarlet gold ticket and wanted to buy two ingots of red gold. After the gold shop delivered it, the waiter waited to collect the money. The official asked, "How much is it?" The person in the gold shop said, "What's the usual price? It's for you now, at half price. The official looked around and said, "In that case, give him an ingot of gold." "The people in the gold shop are still waiting to get the money after returning an ingot of gold. The official said: "The money has been given. The man in the gold shop said, "No! The official said angrily, "Diao Nu, you said you only charged half the price, so I returned an ingot of gold to you to make up for half the price." I didn't lose you, so why bother? "Get out!" Confused, a person with green blindness was involved in this lawsuit. The man argued that he was blind. The official said, "Your eyes are white in You Lan. Why do you pretend to be blind?" The man replied, "You see I'm innocent, but I think you're confused!" " "There is an official, confused, who only likes to drink, often ignores his political affairs, and is greedy for property and destroys the people. The people were very disgusted with him, so they wrote a poem mocking him, saying, "Black painted lanterns, half-day fireflies, white tigers with white walls, writing oolong on yellow paper, eggplants knocking mud, wax gourd beating wooden bells, only knowing about money and wine, regardless of justice and fairness." "Yesterday, you quarreled with me and stepped on my black hat." The emperor sent a message saying, "You should be patient. The queen is a little naughty. If she doesn't agree with me, she will smash my flat crown to pieces. In contrast, your black hat can only be regarded as an egg bag. " A cattle thief lost his cattle and complained to the government. The official asked him, "When did he lose it?" The man replied, "Sir, there will be no tomorrow." A servant nearby couldn't help laughing. The official was furious and said, "You must have stolen it." The servant shook his sleeve and said, "You can search." It is a hot summer, and an official is going to find a place to spend the summer. Some people say, "A mountain is elegant." Others said, "You can search." The old man replied, "There is often sun in other places, but there is no sun in this lobby." A countryman at the foot of a robber entered the city for the first time and saw a wooden barrel hanging on the gate. He asked others, "What's in it?" The man replied, "This is the head of a robber." When I arrived at the county government, I saw several wooden boxes nailed to more than a dozen drum towers, which were actually boots left by former officials when they left office. The countryman didn't know, so he nodded and said, "That's a robber's head hanging on the gate. This must be a robber's foot." There is an official who is a cow on his birthday. When historians heard that he was a mouse, they collected gold and made it into a golden mouse. The official replied, "I don't know. Who is she? " The official said, "She is a cow one year younger than me." A colleague has a wife and a concubine who live apart. One day, my concubine is going to visit her and discuss with her husband how to write a post. The husband said, "I should use the word' brother-in-law'." I asked why I wrote this. The husband said: "People who are officials together use this name when writing posts. This is the official practice. " The princess said, "We have no official position. Why should we write such a post? " The husband said, "You are colleagues." A family official was sitting in the hall, and someone in the crowd farted. The official immediately shouted, "Bring me the fart." The officer reported: "sir, fart is a gust of wind, which blows away without a trace." How can I hold it? " The official was furious and said, "Why did you get it?" The officers had no choice but to use it to dry the shit, and replied, "Sir, the culprit has escaped, and all the families who got it have come." People like Zhou love antiques. Someone sold it to Ding, and he bought it with 100 gold. Another man brought a chamber pot, a colorful bronze, which is said to be a cultural relic of Zhou Wuwang. Antique lovers say it will cost a lot of money. Officials in the yamen get together and ask each other what positions they hold. An official said, "I can always get tea and rice." The official said, "My job is to write documents in a boiling pot, that is, to cook (main) books." An official said, "Man Zi in the countryside rented a dung cellar." The questioner didn't understand, but officer c said. Everyone grinned. The eunuch asked everyone why they were laughing, and the instructor reported, "Many scholars think the topic is too difficult and ask to remove a word." The eunuch smiled and said, "In this case, we will remove the word' Hou' and change it to' awesome life'." A military attache patrols at night. A man who violated the night rules claimed to be a scholar, saying that he was late for class. The military attache said: He shouted: "You are lucky, no problem tonight. "Du Zi helped a military attache go out to fight, and he was about to fail. Suddenly, he won a great victory when he met a magical soldier to help him. The military attache kowtowed and asked God's name, and God said, "I am an arrow target God. The military attache said, "Young man, what credit did I have to take an arrow target to save you?" "The target god replied," I thank you for never hurting my arrow in the field of martial arts. "The first brother of the Jinshi won the Jinshi and ran wild in the village. Those who hated him scolded him and said," Your brother won the Jinshi. What's wrong with you? "Answer:" Didn't you see the plaque in my house saying' Jinshi'? "And a candidate went to Kyoto to take the imperial examination, and the servant followed him with his luggage. When he walked into the wilderness, the wind suddenly blew off the headscarf on his shoulder. The servant shouted, "I fell to the ground." The master was very unhappy when he heard this and told him, "Don't say' I fell to the ground' in the future, just say' Ji'." The servant agreed, then tied up his luggage and said, "I fell to the ground." Never again. "Wu Chaoju poetry crown tapiscia sinensis, foot foundation soap. Such people also take the examiner's exam and worship the Confucius Temple. Yan Yuan sighed and the master smiled. Lutz said angrily, "If I manage the three armed forces, I will let them feed the horses." A businessman from Feng Jun was appointed as an official, and he visited the county magistrate for the first time. My old father had a businessman who was made an official. He visited the county magistrate for the first time. Because the businessman was old, the county magistrate called him "old fairy", and the businessman was very angry. The child asked him why he was angry. The businessman said, "The county magistrate bullied me too much and should call me an old fairy, but the county magistrate actually called me a two-part allegorical saying and obviously looked down on me. So I called him and didn't let him take over. Today, I also subtracted the last two words and just called him' Dad'. " A man is the son of an official position granted by the emperor, and his father envies him very much. The son was surprised and asked his father why he envied him. The father replied, "Your father is better than my father and your son is better than my son." A man who sent his father to school asked, "Which is happier, being a son or being an aristocrat?" Another person replied, "Although I am happy to be a nobleman, I am old and senile. I am the happiest only when I am a young son." The questioner left in a hurry. The man asked him why he ran, and replied, "I bought a book so that my father could go to school." There is a poem given to Su Na by Su Na, which says, "A leather car (which means 320 yuan) was bought at a very high price. (of an article) nothing wrong. " An invigilator passed a government-run school in Kyoto. When he heard that the drink offering was angry and he wanted to punish two scholars, he asked the people in the school, "Are you going to fight or imprison?" The people in the school said, "Give him a topic to write a composition." The supervisor was unhappy and immediately shouted, "Hey, the punishment should not be this far!" " The wife of a prison supervisor has repeatedly advised her husband to study. Because I live in a temple, I usually don't have a book box, so I ask the porter to pick the books first. The porter was very tired on the road, so he sat on the burden. Just as the supervisor arrived, he heard that the porter was sitting in the mirror, so he angrily blamed the porter. The porter apologized and said, "I sat for a while because I can't read." Suddenly, I hugged the scholar and bit his ear. The scholar was very afraid and asked the poor why. The poor man said, "I am extremely poor." I saw a big ingot of silver, so can't I bite on the flying edge and enjoy it? " An invigilator just came out of the exam and met an old friend. Old friends bow to the supervisor and the pig shit on the roadside. The supervisor asked, "Why do you bow to such a smelly thing?" The old friend replied, "He stinks, but it also comes from the large intestine." Shu studies at the monk's house and plays until the afternoon every day. One day he came back and asked the servant to bring the book, and the servant brought the anthology. The scholar read it, said it was low, and then brought the Hanshu. The scholar read it and said it was low. The servant brought the historical records. The scholar replied, "I'm going to sleep. I just want to make a pillow with my book. " A Guo-zi-jian diploma came to the city god temple and saw several boxes of Guo-zi-jian diploma engraved with statues of Guo-zi-jian diploma nearby. The Guo-zi-jian diploma came back and said to his wife, "It turns out that our Guo-zi-jian diploma is so distinguished that even your portrait has been carved in the Chenghuang Temple." Guo Jian students exchanged views with Guo Jian students from cities and rural areas. But the people in your village are very ignorant. "Two Guo-zi-jian diploma argued endlessly, so they went to the street to find out who had the biggest evidence. When they came to the door of a big house, there was the word "Dazhong Cheng" on the plaque, but the supervisor in the city said, "Isn't this Cheng? This is evidence. There is another one, and the plaque reads "Dali Qing", which was written by the Guo Jian Zi in the countryside. At the entrance of a temple, it says "Dashige". After reading it, the two students said calmly, "It turns out that the scholars in imperial academy are all big shots. A student named Wang made a county magistrate. "。 After taking office, a scholar respectfully sent a book "Mencius". The magistrate met with "Liang" and the scholar replied, "It's Wang Yongzhi's younger brother." The county magistrate asked, "Who is Wang Yue in the book? The scholar replied, "Wang Yue is the younger brother of the old gentleman." "County officials said," great, really comforting. My Wang Xing family are all in this book. "I didn't know that there was a man in prison, so I ordered my family to prepare a post to pay homage to the old xianggong." The servant said, "Father and son are afraid of being discussed about how to use the post station." The student said, "otherwise, from today on, he will pay homage to all the guests." The student said thoughtfully, "Write a' teacher as soon as possible'." When my father saw it, he was very angry and blamed it. The student said, "You don't understand. Father and son are close relatives, so the next word is as soon as possible; Waiter, father is sitting and standing; Teachers, learn from young teachers; Living, my parents gave birth to me. " Father's anger turned into anger, blaming him for being unreasonable. The student said to the servant, "I think I am too stupid. Please change the post for the late student." After a man got a diploma from Guo Jian, he ordered his servant to prepare a post to show his respect for his old father. The servant said, "How can a father and son use a pillar? I am afraid that others will talk about it. " Guo Jian diploma said, "You are wrong, I just became an official. The servant asked, "What do you call it?" Guo-zi-jian diploma thoughtfully, "write' teacher as soon as possible'." Guo Jian's father was very angry when he saw the post. The Guo-Jian diploma said to his father, "The title is appropriate, but you don't understand it yourself. Father and son are close relatives, so the following' as soon as possible' and' yes' mean that the father sits and the son stands; The word' teaching' means asking teachers for lessons from an early age; The word "born" means that my parents gave birth to me. "My father became more angry after listening to the supervisor's excuse and accused him of being unreasonable. The supervisor said to the servant, "I think my father thinks I am too arrogant." Change jobs for late students! " Not a word is worth a penny. A wife of Guo Jianzi thinks her husband is ignorant, so she encourages him to study. Guo Jianzi asked, "What are the benefits of reading?" The wife said, "A word is worth a thousand dollars, isn't it useless?" The national diploma replied, "am I not worth a word?" When a Guo-zi-Jian diploma was dying, he said to his wife, "I earned this coat and hat all my life. I will wear it after I die." After his wife agreed, Guo-zi-jian diploma passed away. His wife has dressed him and put on boots, but it is not safe to wear the round hat on the left or right. His wife cried bitterly. "My God, the hat is gone." The Guo-Jian diploma's eyes lit up and said to her, "You must wear it." I hate the instability of my pillow. "Guo Jian diploma said," it's best to borrow medicine from the doctor's house across the hall to make a pillow. "There is a scholar named Qi in the fast library, who is well-off but can't read. One day, the judge made a list for two chickens and a rabbit. That fellow can't read, so he begged the champion to come and see it together. " Please have two chickens and avoid one. The officer replied to the Guo-zi-jian diploma. "。 The prefect took the Guo-zi-jian diploma to the hall for interrogation. It happened that the prefect had official business to do, so he temporarily put the Guo-zi-jian diploma in a fast warehouse for investigation. As soon as Guo-zi-jian diploma entered the warehouse, he mistook the word "fasting" on the tablet for his father's name, widened his eyes in surprise and kept sobbing. Someone asked him why he was crying, and the Guo-zi-jian diploma replied, "The tomb of the ancestors. How can you not cry? A scholar is afraid of the prescribed exam. On the day of the class exam, he couldn't write an article at last, so he wrote on the test paper: "That's it, that's it." If so, why bother? "The examiner smiled after reading it." After all, the person who wrote these four sentences is not an idiot. The sour little tiger said to the big tiger, "I caught one out of the mountain today." The big tiger said, "That man must have been promoted from a scholar to a Guo-zi-jian diploma." A scholar saw the letter sent and was deeply moved by the wonderful and novel wording. He happened to write a letter to a friend far away, so he wrote a letter similar to the letter and asked the servant to send it. When the servant sent the letter back, the scholar asked his friend what he said. The servant replied, "After reading the letter, he asked,' How are you, sir? I replied,' Everything is fine. Then he thought for a while, went into the back room and wrote a reply with a smile. The scholar was very happy and said,' Everyone has to learn, only one word is used properly, so the whole family greeted him and added a lot of joy.' Spring pig iron has a rich man, who doesn't understand literature and ink. He said to his friend,' Someone is very ignorant. He came to visit me early in the morning, but he wrote a very late post. There are even spring posts. "Borrowing cattle Someone sent a letter to a rich man to borrow cattle. The rich man happened to be receiving guests. He is worried that he can't read. He pretended to open the envelope, read the letter and said to the messenger, "I see, I'll go by myself later." One day, a rich man and his friends went out of town by boat and docked on the shore. They saw the words "Jiangxinfu" engraved on the riverbank, and the rich man would be "blessed". The rich man pointed to the word "Jiang Xinfu" and said, "There are thieves here." The friend said, "Fu, not a thief. The rich man said, "Even Fu is in the shape of some thieves. "The rich man who eats milk cakes told people that children are like wet nurses because they ate her milk. The man said, "from what you say, you must have grown up eating baked wheat cakes." All I want in my life is food and clothing, no right and wrong, burning incense, receiving tea, and living in peace. Hades said, "If you want money, I'll give you tens of thousands of pieces of silver, so that you can live in peace of mind and forbid you to enjoy happiness. "A rich man in the Jiangzi Tower asked him how to write the word" ginger ".He was told that it was a grass prefix, followed by a word, Tian Zi, another word, Tian Zi and another one. Obviously teasing me to build a pagoda. "A rich man swallowed silver by mistake and his stomach hurt badly. He invited a doctor to treat him. The doctor said, "It is not difficult to buy a deck of cards and burn them to ashes, and then bake the navel with moxa pills, and the swallowed silver will naturally come out." "The rich man asked why, and the doctor replied," There was a robbery outside. "I'm not afraid that your money won't go out." Tian Zijian Chicken, a rich man, has several acres of land and rents it to Zhang San, asking for a chicken per acre. Zhang San hid the chicken behind his back, and the owner of the field hummed and said, "This field is different from Zhang San." Zhang San immediately gave the chicken, and the owner shouted, "Who would it be without Zhang San?" Zhang San asked, "At first I heard you say you wouldn't plant it for me, but later you planted it for me. Why? " The landlord said, "At first it was nonsense (chicken), and later it was guided by the situation." There was a man named Li, who became rich and complacent. Someone sneered: "There was once an extremely bookish who read the first sentence of Hundred Family Names and asked the teacher to explain it. The teacher said,' Zhao is a refined Zhao (commonly known as Zhao in Wu), money is a word of copper coins, and Sun is a villain. The teacher said,' That makes sense. The extremely excited boy asked, "How?" "However, a little monkey named Li, with a few smelly coppers, will soon be able to deal with Zhao skillfully." A rich man's son was instructed to be illiterate and was advised to ask a teacher to teach his son. The teacher first taught him that "one" is a painting, then "two" is a painting and "three" is a painting. Later, the rich man's son was very proud. The rich man was very happy and resigned from the teacher. One day, the treasurer invited a friend named Wan to drink, and asked his son to get up in the morning to write an invitation. He didn't finish it until noon, so he asked his son. The son complained, "There are so many surnames, why did you choose ten thousand?"? I have only written 500 paintings since morning! "