40 jokes! Begging for a joke

1. In junior high school, our telephone booth had just become popular. Sometimes when I study by myself, I will go to a telephone booth to take two calls. I'm confused. Later, I learned that he dialed 1 10, and another dialed 1 19 ... Then the two microphones were connected backwards, and soon there was a curse. . . 1. In junior high school, our telephone booth had just become popular. Sometimes when I study by myself, I will go to a telephone booth to take two calls. I'm confused. Later, I learned that he dialed 1 10, and another dialed 1 19 ... Then the two microphones were connected backwards, and soon there was a curse. . .

2. CCTV's donation party is very long and lively, and the result is also very tangled: one bottle of Wang Laoji = two barrels of oil (PetroChina+Sinopec)+four money jars (Bank of China, ICBC, China Construction Bank and Agricultural Bank)+two iron bumps (Baosteel and Wuhan Iron and Steel)+three gold-sucking kings (Unicom Telecom).

3. I asked a stock friend yesterday: The stock market has plummeted recently. How did you sleep? He said: Sleep like a baby. I said: you are a master! I can sleep here! He said silently, I often wake up in the middle of the night and cry for a while before going to sleep.

5. Meet a professor and talk about debauchery and wealth; Talk about humanistic care when you meet big money; When encountering backwardness, talk about family status, see elders, and talk about renal function; Meet ugly men and talk about the past; Meet a beautiful woman and talk about a sad love; Meet a monk and talk about relationships between men and women; When you meet a pervert, talk about compassion and talk about peace; Meet with Obama and talk about respecting sovereignty; Meet with Kim Jong Il and talk about persisting in the revolution; Meet the living and talk about stability and unity; From ruin, talk about harmony and stability!

6. My friend Gao has made a lot of money recently, earning more than 10 thousand a day. Ask him how he got here so soon. He said that he had set up an individual bus operation, which was under the name of the bus company. There are buses running every day, but the bus card reader on the bus has been removed ... put in a schoolbag and squeezed into the subway. Close to a person's backpack, you get two dollars!

7. Dad asked his son: Who will you marry in the future? Son: Grandma loves me the most, so I want to marry her. Dad: Nonsense, how can my mother be your wife? Son: Then how can my mother be your wife?

8. The "moral" farce that is easy to appear in disasters: 1, forced donation; 2, forcing people to show love; 3. Forcing people to make sad expressions; I think I am more caring than others. Be yourself, don't force others, morality should only restrain yourself, not others.

9. China characteristic earthquake escape guide: It is useless to say any earthquake escape method. Listen to me: there is an earthquake. Run to the building with the national emblem and promise not to die.

10. It is reported that Facebook will enter China. Netizens have prepared several Chinese versions for this purpose, such as Facebook, Facebook and Die. But I think there is only one that is most suitable for China's national conditions: "hukou book".

1 1, the old joke was confirmed again: there were three obvious signs before the earthquake: 1. Abnormal well water; 2. Abnormal reaction of livestock; 3. Experts come out to refute rumors.

12, I saw my ex-girlfriend's QQ signature saying "We have been together for a year." MD She has been with that person for a year, and we haven't broken up for a year.

13, Japanese prostitutes are stars, and China's stars are prostitutes.

14. The reporter interviewed a centenarian and asked: As a centenarian, what is your happiest thing now? The old man thought for a moment and said, "There is no employment pressure and comparison psychology brought by peers!"

There are six kinds of people in the world: 1 think after doing it; 2 is to think while doing; 3. think twice before you act; Fourth, I don't want to; 5 is thinking about not doing it; 6 is not to do it. What kind are you going to do?

16, the eight most ignorant: you don't drink the toast of the leader, the leader touches it first, the leader accompanies you in the car, the leader talks nonsense with you, the leader takes a shower first, the leader turns over the table, and the leader listens to the cards and touches it yourself.

17, I said I was a director and she slept with me. The next day, I said I was an animation director, and she cried. .

18, I always had a crush on her when I was studying, but I didn't have the courage to confess, let alone touch her. She got married after graduation, and my husband and I were classmates. That afternoon, she was breast-feeding, and I made a good excuse. I walked up to her, put my hand on her MIMI, and then told her doll to call uncle, don't shout, don't eat!

19, accidentally stepped on a cobra on the road today. It turned around and bit it. I saw the snake kicking and rolling on four legs and hanging up. I looked at it disdainfully: Fuck, I ate gutter oil and drank melamine. You fucking want to die.

20. After the appreciation of RMB, cups and washing utensils for Chinese and American tourists: when Americans travel to China, 6,543,800 USD is exchanged for 680,000 RMB. Eating, drinking and having fun in China for a year cost 6.5438+0.8 million RMB. He wants to go back to the bank, because the RMB has appreciated to 1:5 against the US dollar, and the Americans changed the remaining 500,000 RMB into 654.38+10,000 US dollars. It was $654.38+million when I came, and it was still $654.38+million when I went back, and I went home happily.

2 1. The reason why Yang Xiu was killed: One day, Yang Xiu went to the bookstore to buy books and saw that the author of a book was Montesquieu. Yang Xiu looked up and laughed: "Ha ha ha ha, fuck! Meng De, a bird, can write books! "

22. The teacher asked: Please use "or". . . Neither. . . "Make sentences. Student A: Balloons cost 50 cents each, right or wrong?

23. From the front, it is a great god; On the other hand, it is a dog. In fact, people who do evil in turn want to live. "-a lot of things are different from another angle.

I'll teach you a trick: a boy said to a girl in the elevator, "I can kiss you, but I won't touch your body." Girl: "Are you kidding?" Boy: "You can bet! The penalty was lost. " Girl: "Good!" The boy kissed the girl on the cheek quickly, and then stood there as if nothing had happened. The girl became suspicious, and the boy said, "Oh, I lost. . . You punish me _ ".

10-year-old sister took a bag of crispy rice in the yard and ate it with relish. The neighbor's five-year-old brother watched eagerly. He wants to eat, but he is embarrassed to say. He asked his sister, is it crisp? I think this boy is quite obscure, and then there is a classic scene-my sister puts a piece in her mouth and says, listen. . .

26. Making a website is like making love. First of all, you should know how to make love, abbreviated as HTM * L；; If you think you have mastered HTM*L, you should learn 3*P(ASP, PHP, JSP). . .

27. Today, I took a bus. When I got on the bus, the old man who swiped the card was shocked. There is only one crisp prompt saying, "student card!" " .

28, "65.438+0.3 billion" again big difficulties divided by 65.438+0.3 billion, will become insignificant; No matter how little love is multiplied by1300 million, it is also the ocean of love! Unity is strength, earthquake relief.

29. I just registered a user name "Dad" on a website. As a result, it sent me an email, and I was shocked at first sight. "Hello, Dad, congratulations, your user name has been registered successfully!" I am sweating. . .

30. In middle school, a buddy took me to the book stall and proudly asked the boss, "Is there Liu Bei?" I was wondering when the boss dug out two yellow books from the corner and handed them over. On the way back, I asked, "Why is Uncle Huang called Liu Bei?" He whispered to me, "Uncle".

3 1. One day when I was in college, I went shopping in the supermarket near the school and happened to meet two girls in my class. A girl: "Oh, what a coincidence. We are talking about you. Speak of the devil. " Another girl sighed: "Shaanxi is evil, saying that a turtle is against a turtle." I% $ # @ ...&; *

32. A bureaucrat said to his wife: Eat and sleep; Say to sister-in-law: eat and sleep; Say to the beauty: eat and sleep; Say to Xiaomi: eat and sleep; Say to the people: sleep what you eat!

33. American Press Director Lowen was the first black minister in American history to live in an aristocratic residential area in northwest Washington. One day, he mowed the grass in front of his house, wearing only a T-shirt. A lady drove by and stopped to say hello to him: "That black man, how much does it cost you to mow the grass once?" Lowen looked up at her and said slowly, "That ... depends. For example, the wife of this family ... I mowed her grass and she slept with me. "

34. My colleagues and I drove out for dinner. When I got to the place where I ate, there was no parking space, so I had to park by the side of the road. Ask your friends if they will get a ticket. Without saying anything, he took out a ticket from the box and posted it on the window. I came back from dinner safely. . .

35. Three men chased a woman, and his father said, "Why do I only have one woman? Tell me about your respective advantages and I'll make a decision. " A man: "I am a director and have the right." B male: "I am a rich second generation". C man: "I have nothing but a child in your daughter's womb." Both Party A and Party B left with their heads held high. This incident fully shows that power and money are sometimes not comparative advantages with core competitiveness, and talents are the most precious.

36. In April, National Geographic magazine reported that the weight of water stored in the Three Gorges dam area would shift the earth's rotation axis by nearly one inch (2.54 cm)-finally letting the world know the weight of China.

37. I went on a blind date today and asked the girl: How old are you? She replied quite proudly: 34D!

38. I just registered a user name "Dad" on a website. As a result, it sent me an email, and I was shocked at first sight. "Hello, Dad, congratulations, your user name has been registered successfully!" I am sweating. . .

39. Men: twenty Pentium, thirty Hitachi, forty Zheng Da, fifty Microsoft, sixty Panasonic and seventy Lenovo; Female: thirty is like a wolf, forty is like a tiger, fifty can suck dirt when sitting on the ground, sixty can eat people without spitting bones, seventy can suck mice against the wall, and Miss Eighty is also behind the times.

40. 10 kinds of men who are easily "divorced" by women-men who are emotionally derailed; A heavy drinker; A gambler; A man who can't make money; Men with domestic violence; A person addicted to entertainment; A man who relies on women to eat soft rice; Men who are eager to enjoy not doing housework; A man who has money and forgets Ben; A man who loves to be a big head; A man who doesn't reply to posts. A man should have a broad mind, broad love and love his family, wife and children.