Select funny jokes

My son failed in the middle school entrance examination and was scolded by his wife.

I went to comfort my son: "You must study hard and surpass your father in the future."

The son paused, and then said weakly, "I can't guarantee anything else." But I'm sure I'll find a better wife than you in the future. "

2. I'm a little excited to think about it.

My three-year-old son came back from kindergarten and said angrily to me, "Dad, the teacher is not good at all. He is always fierce and doesn't film me sleeping at noon. "

Me: "A teacher can't take care of so many people like a mother. You should be obedient. "

Son: "Let the teacher and mother change. My mother accompanies me in kindergarten every day, and the teacher sleeps with my father at home. "

I'm a little excited to think about it.

You are good at playing cards, too.

A: "Mobile phone landlords are constantly losing. What keeps you going? "

B: "Because my teammates always encourage me."

A: "How are you encouraged?"

B: "You are very good at playing cards!"

A: "..."

4. Is this a kiss?

Zhang San felt that he was not his own since he was a child.

Once he was playing outside and accidentally fell into a cesspit. Her mother saw it and said, "Let's not have this baby!" " ! Go back and eat another one. "

When she grew up, she had a high fever. Her mother touched his forehead with her hand and immediately retracted her hand and said, "It's so hot!" "

His father immediately opened his mouth and said, "Look at your mother!" "

Is this a kiss?

5. Fortunately, I threw it quickly.

I went to play hot water with my classmates at school, and the thermos squeaked on the way back to the dormitory.

I said, "It's not good to blow it up."

This guy whooshed the thermos bottle out. Bang, it really blew up.

The buddy said with a lingering fear, "Fortunately, I threw it quickly and didn't blow me up."

6. Me: Any enterprise has its own culture, and all employees have the same values. For these reasons, I often give employees the opportunity to participate in training. Employees are very excited every day, and sometimes they shout company slogans. The employees think that our company will get better and better, and they are scrambling to take money to buy shares.

Pol.ice: Shut up, you think it's not illegal to describe pyramid schemes like this!

7. The owners are asleep and there is a quarrel in the kitchen.

Chopping board: "It's so unfair. Every time I cut vegetables. You must put me on the mat. I'm afraid of cutting stuffing. I am covered in injuries. "

Chopper: "Don't blame me, I am often grinded by a grindstone, and I often break my arm and leg when chopping ribs."

Wok: "Come on, you've only been hurt a few times. I cook it three times a day, and it burns red every time. It is better to have dishes and bowls. My master brushes them clean every day! "

Bowl: "come on, do you know how many brothers we sacrifice a year?" When the hostess is angry, we must not die a few brothers! " "

8. On the way to the scriptures, it was freezing. The Tang Priest tucked Pig in and reminded him to put on more clothes. The Monkey King was unbalanced and asked the master, "Master, why are you so kind to that idiot?"

The Tang Priest smiled and whispered, "Don't you understand that you can't eat dead pork? ! "

9. Underworld gangsters accidentally stepped on a young lady on the bus, and the young lady cursed: "Are you fucking blind?"

Small bludger: "grass"

Miss: "Come if you can."

Small bludger: "Stab you to death!"

Miss: "I was alive when I wasn't stabbed."

Small bludger: "Er ..."

10, Xiaomei came back from a blind date, and her best friend Xiaoli leaned in.

Xiaoli: "What happened? The person I introduced to you this time is not bad? "

Xiaomei: "What's good?"

Xiaoli: "You don't like big and thick men!" " "

Xiaomei: "I like big and thick men, but it's not a big head and a thick neck!" " "

Xiaoli: "..."

1 1. The director held a meeting for all the section chiefs and directors.

Director: "Comrades, I find that in practical work, many comrades deviate from the theme in everything they do." Our section chief and director are the soul of our unit, and we must do a good job of public opinion guidance! "

Director Zhang: "The director is absolutely right. The section chief and director are the soul injectors of the unit, just like the independent group in Li Yunlong. "

Wang: "Yes, only such a leader can lead everyone to capture Pingan County, just like in the TV series, with a huge momentum. "

Director Li: "However, the remake seems to have no momentum. I like to watch the old bright sword. "

Director Zhao: "More than the new" Bright Sword ". None of the remakes look good. What new red chamber, new Three Kingdoms, new journey to the west, new sculpture shooting, even the new gourd doll remake ... "

Director Liu: "I can't be so absolute. I think the new water margin is very good. "

Ma Kechang: "Ladies and gentlemen, let's not digress. What we are talking about today is a new bright sword. "

The director struck the table: "Shit, this meeting can't be held, dismissed!"

12, the father is educating his son: "Xiao Ming, don't steal chickens and dogs all day. Even a small thing can make us fidget! "

Xiaoming. . .

Dad: "in the future, you should smell the chicken dancing." Among your classmates, you should stand out from the crowd and have a bright future. Your mother and I will follow suit! " "

13, Xiao Li was admitted to the hospital with nephropathy, and his buddy rhubarb came to visit.

Xiao Li: "I found that like the Monkey King, I was planted on five fingers."

Rhubarb: "the Monkey King was crushed under Wuzhishan. What did you plant on? "

Xiao Li: "I was planted under my father's fingerprints when I was a child, and now I am an adult, planted on my five girls!" " "

Rhubarb: "..."

14, Kangxi travels incognito. On a cold rainy night, Kangxi and his party got lost and spent the night in a small family. There is a beautiful 28-year-old girl at home who takes good care of Kangxi. Kangxi was very happy and said to the beautiful girl, "I became emperor today." In order to repay you, I can grant you a wish. "

The beautiful girl said shyly, "I want to get married!" " "

Kangxi smiled and said, "Well, you will be my concubine from now on."

A year later, Kangxi traveled incognito and got lost. This time, he lived in an ugly woman's house. The ugly girl had long guessed that he was the emperor and tried every means to please her. Kangxi said to the ugly girl, "I am the emperor today. Tell me, if you have any wish, I can satisfy you. "

The ugly girl's eyes lit up: "I want to get married!" " "

Kangxi: "What, becoming a monk? ..... Be a good monk, and come tomorrow and inform the county to build a nun for this girl! "

Ugly girl: ". . . "

15, Grandpa Hulu wants to divorce his grandmother, and who the seven Huluwa are with has become a big problem.

Grandma: "I don't care about other children." Anyway, four children and five children have to belong to me! " "

Grandpa: "You old woman are really scheming. With four children and five children, you won't have to pay gas and water bills in the future! " I don't want that much. I just want two children. "

Grandma: "you old thing, I don't know your mind yet." With Erwa, you can peek at the snake essence taking a bath! " "

Grandpa: "..."

16, the master fainted and the heart, spleen, lungs and kidneys complained to each other. Spleen: "It's all the fault of the heart. You are always absent from work. If you don't go to work, we are all finished! "

Heart way: "can you blame me? My host stays up late every night, smoking, drinking and staying up late. I have been overworked for a long time, working 150 times a minute, which has become my daily life, and I blame my liver for bad detoxification. "

Liver: "I have tried my best." My master drinks wine three times a day, with white beer every time. It's also a hot nest. This poison is insoluble. Take a few more breaths in the lungs and the owner will not go into shock. "

Long: "I have reached the limit." My host packs 8 packs of cigarettes every day, so there is no room to store fresh air. My grandfather's shock is all about adrenaline and kidney! "

Kidney: "Don't mention it, my grandfather is fooling around with different women every day, not to mention adrenaline. Walking makes me bend over."

17, leaders of education bureaus,

I'm an ordinary Taoist, reporting the problem of paid tutor of Bodhi ancestor in Sanxingdong Cave of Xie Yue. The thing is, we have studied with Bodhi for more than ten years. He talks about useless things in class during the day and charges extra tuition after class. We can't afford it. There is a Taoist named the Monkey King who has been here for three years and has learned nothing. Recently, I only studied after class in a remedial class of Bodhi founder.

The next day, the Education Bureau thoroughly investigated the matter. Bodhi's father was afraid of getting into trouble, so he expelled the Monkey King from school and told the Monkey King not to say that he was his student. ...

18, I am an actor. Before my wife and I got married, a fortune teller held me by the roadside and insisted on telling my fortune.

I asked him, "My girlfriend is pregnant and wants to get married, but she is afraid that it will affect my acting career. What should I do? "

The master laughed: "Don't worry, young man, marrying this woman will make you famous!" " "

Now that I have been married for five years, the fortune teller is really accurate. Being scolded by my wife every day, sometimes my body is black and blue, which is really a big blow!

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