Ask for a joke story

I remember a day after graduation, my girlfriend sent me a short message: "Let's break up!"

Before I could feel sad, my girlfriend sent another message: "Sorry, I sent it to the wrong person."

Now you can be completely sad ...

January 15th

Today, the liquor in the restaurant was watered again! Shit! When I have money, I will also go to a big restaurant to drink Remy Martin and XO! And absolutely don't let them fool me with 1986 and 1972. If you want to drink, come to this year's bottle!

January 28th

Being single is very painful, and it is even more painful when being single for a long time. I saw a sow a few days ago, and all of them thought it had fine eyes ...

February 13th

There are two kinds of men, one is lewd and the other is very lewd.

there are two kinds of women, one is pretending to be pure, and the other is pretending to be impure.

On Valentine's Day tomorrow, I turned around and found the phone number of a girl I secretly loved in middle school, and sent her a short message: If there is only one bowl of porridge, you should drink half of it first, and I'll put the remaining half in my arms to keep you warm ...

A few minutes later, she replied with a short message: Who introduced you? 4 at a time, 7 for the night.

February 14th

I can't bear to let my children catch wolves, my daughter-in-law catch hooligans, and I can't bear to update my collection ...

I have been in a bad mood today. Last night's short message let me know that the girl I had a secret crush on had fallen, and even told me 4 ...

At that time, I was very sad, and I rummaged through my wallet at the same time:

So I was even sadder. I only have four words to say. Including this sentence and the previous two sentences. That's all I said ...

March 3rd

If you deal with a vicious person, you will be more vicious than him; To deal with a despicable person, it is more despicable than him;

to deal with a handsome man, you must be more handsome than him; To deal with a handsome man, you must ... ruin his face!

March 4th

My principle is: If people don't attack me, I won't attack; If people attack me, I will be angry!

March 5th

It suddenly occurred to me that when I was in college, my teacher wrote a couplet: the country is prosperous, the family is prosperous, and the country is prosperous.

monitor's couplet: the sky is magnificent, the earth is magnificent, and the world is magnificent!

Later I was kicked out of the classroom ...

Because my bottom line was: NMD, TMD, you TMD!

On March 6th,

I came across the so-called criteria of contemporary women's mate selection in the book: having a car and a house, and both parents are dead.

depressed. So I wrote down the imaginary criteria for choosing a wife:

Family wealth is over 1 million, beauty is the best in the world, virtuous, gentle and sexy, and my father-in-law has terminal cancer ...

April 15th

Life, you can't hang yourself from a tree, but try to die several times in several nearby trees.

April 16th

I just found out that the way to attract a man is to keep him from getting it. The way to attract a woman is just the opposite, that is, to keep her satisfied.

April 17th

The unfairness of this world lies in:

God said: I want light! -So there was the day.

the beauty said: I want a diamond ring! So she got a diamond ring.

the rich man said: I want a woman! -so he had a woman.

I said, I want to take a bath! -actually stopped water!

April 19th

After dinner, I smoked on the balcony and enjoyed it. Suddenly I saw a light flash across the night sky, and I was excited: a meteor! So I made a wish at once ...

I made six or seven wishes, opened my eyes, and threw the cigarette out of the balcony. Suddenly I heard a girl's voice downstairs: "Wow! Meteor! Make a wish ... "

April 2th

My dream life: I sleep until I wake up naturally, and I count my money and my hands cramp.

My real life: I wake up naturally when I count money, and I sleep until my hands cramp ...

April 22nd

Today, when I read a book, I was depressed to see that Emperor Kangxi had become the king of a country at the age of twenty-three. But seeing that Emperor Tongzhi had been dead for four years at the age of twenty-three, I was in balance.

April 23rd

Actually, steamed bread is omnipotent. You can eat it when you are hungry. If you want to eat cakes, pat the steamed bread flat; If you want to eat noodles, comb the steamed bread with a comb; If you want to eat hamburgers, cut the steamed bread and eat it ...

April 3th

Wildcat: Sleep wherever you go.

dingo: eat whatever you catch.

wild man: love everyone you meet.

May 2nd

When you look at beautiful women in the street, if you look higher, you will appreciate them; if you look lower, you will be hooligans.

May 6th

My father asked me what I want in life.

I answered money and beauty, and my father hit me in the face fiercely;

I answered career and love, and my father touched my head appreciatively.

May 8th

Some people say that if you bury your girlfriend in the ground in spring, you will reap many girlfriends in autumn.

I heard that someone believed it and did it. He buried his girlfriend underground in the spring, and in the autumn, he was buried underground by his uncle police ...

May 1th

When faced with difficulties: I'm not afraid of death, are I still afraid of living?

in the face of danger: you are not afraid of life, but also of death?

This is Einstein's theory of relativity ...

On May 12th

Today, I met a female netizen named "Young Sister". The code word was to look around the dating place with a rose, and when I saw a woman holding the rose, I ran away and went online at night, asking each other: How did your mother come to meet the netizen for you? ..... From then on, I quietly lay in her blacklist.

May 15th

I slowly discovered that people are goblins! Some goblins eat people, but people eat everything. If you catch a goblin, you may be able to barbecue!

May 16th

A ferocious person-find someone to kill him.

a romantic person-find a beautiful woman to sleep with.

rich people-have nothing to do to buy a new car to drive.

I-I have nothing to do to pick up a cigarette butt and smoke ...

It has been raining for several days on May 21st. I guess the Jade Emperor is crying, and his marriage with his heavenly queen must be unhappy. There are two possibilities for this unhappiness. One is that the heavenly queen left, and the other is that the heavenly queen refused to leave ...

May 23rd