The doctor said I have depression

I have been unable to sleep for two consecutive weeks. I fell asleep at two in the morning and woke up at five in the morning. I watched the dawn and couldn't sleep at night. Kawabata Yasunari once said, "I woke up at two in the morning and found Begonia. "The flowers are not asleep", this is the state of loneliness, and at that time I only knew that the moon at two o'clock in the morning was as bright and huge as a disk, getting bigger and bigger, as if it was about to eat people.

I didn’t take it seriously at first, as no one had ever suffered from insomnia, but being unable to sleep for two consecutive weeks finally completely destroyed me.

At five o'clock, I heard the sound of the uncle cleaning up the garbage in the school corridor, and the mop made a "swishing" sound in the corridor. When I walked out of the dormitory, the school hadn't woken up yet, and the cat was meowing. Standing next to "Heilongjiang", I felt a sense of powerlessness in my body.

Finally one morning during class, my head started to hurt for no reason, like a series of exploding firecrackers. My hands and feet had inexplicable throbbing pain. My eyes felt like cataracts had burst, and I couldn’t see clearly what was in front of me. thing.

Panic, uncontrollable panic, restlessness, I thought of suicide.

I began to seek help from a psychiatrist and consulted three times, but with little effect. What's even more terrifying is that my suicidal thoughts are getting stronger and stronger, and I know that I am finished.

I began to ask my sister for help and asked her to take me to a psychiatrist. She cried and told me that I could not go to this kind of doctor because everyone would laugh at me. I sat on the stone bench at school waiting for the bus and cried with her. I silently walked onto the school overpass, thinking about jumping off. If I jumped, everything would be over. Halfway through, my brother-in-law stopped me and took me to Quanzhou First Hospital.

There, the psychiatrist prescribed medicine worth more than 600 yuan for me. When I returned home, my family refused to let me take the medicine.

That was the scariest month in June. Because of my family’s obstruction, I took medication intermittently. Sometimes I would take one more pill when I felt like it, and sometimes I wouldn’t take even one pill for the whole day. But sleeping pills couldn’t stop me. I can't sleep without eating.

Due to irregular medication, my condition quickly turned from mild to moderate. I remember one night without sleeping pills, I lay in bed tossing and turning, unable to control my brain. I wanted to commit suicide. Want to leave this world.

I knelt down and begged my mother to give me a happy life. I told my mother to beg her to give up on me and let me die. It was so painful to live. She cried and hugged me and said, "Okay, if you die, I will die with you." That night, I sat on the edge of the bed, silently watching everything around me. It was so strange that I felt like I was living in someone else's home. I was trembling all over, curling up like a frightened cat.

My mother began to engage in feudal superstition. She went to a Taoist temple thousands of miles away to beg for Jingcha. She put stones and her gold earrings together to make a cup of tea for me to drink. Go down.

My grandpa said that I was possessed by an evil spirit. He held a sword and danced with it on the bed in my room, chanting, "Evil spirits go out, evil spirits go out." He tied a puppet, put on my clothes, took it to the river and burned it. As for me, I was locked in the house for more than half an hour. The smoke from burning paper money and incense made me burst into tears.

After all the superstitions were over, my sister took me to Shenzhen, thinking that a change of environment would make me feel better. I stayed there for a week. Due to irregular medication, my condition became worse and worse, and I began to feel dizzy even when I walked.

It was the darkest month of June. The one thing I planned every day when I woke up was how to commit suicide. I began to have an emotional breakdown and secretly left messages on Weibo. I wrote five or six suicide notes. I'm ready to die.

Then, I was taken to the local mental health center, where I answered nearly 600 questions and received the diagnosis: "Moderate depression, obvious suicidal tendencies, and obvious deviations in thinking. Please pay attention to care. Just be careful” and I started being hospitalized there.

People come and go in the hospital every day. Some patients have dull eyes and look like zombies. You can tell at a glance that this person is ruined. Just like I don’t know where I am, they are probably the same. .

I took medicine from a bottle every day, went to psychological consultation, and did rehabilitation training. I told the psychiatrist, "I don't know what the meaning of life is. I feel that there is no one in the wilderness in front of me, and I am not even there." I don’t even have the strength to yell."

She told me, "Child, listen to me, this is your sin and your blessing. What you are facing now is self-exploration. Go on. , just go on.”

I told my attending doctor, “I can’t stand it anymore. I can’t control my thoughts every day and I have a splitting headache. I just want to commit suicide.”

She told me, "Don't worry, everything will be fine."

"Everything will be fine."

Later, I heard that my friend jumped off a building due to depression. When I committed suicide, for the first time in my life, I felt that life was like a blind sidewalk, and I followed every step. After all, I was still a disabled person.

But keep at it, keep at it, everything will be fine.

I started taking the medicine on time. After a month, the medicine started to take effect. I felt like I was alive. I began to be able to control my thoughts. What made me most gratified was that I could finally calm down. Watch a favorite movie.

When I went for a follow-up visit last week, I went alone. The attending doctor asked me in surprise, "Did you come alone?"

I said "Yes."

He said, "It's not easy for you to come alone."

"I have to thank you for this"

"No, you should be thanking you "Myself"

I have become a ball because of taking antidepressants, and the sequelae of depression are that I still have obsessive behaviors from time to time, but fortunately, everything is on track.

The last time I listened to Teacher Li Lanni’s speech on “Let’s Talk”, I cried while watching it, because I felt the same way about those dark days.

I also once left a row of eszopiclone, telling myself that if I swallowed these sleeping pills, everything would be over.

But fortunately, no one gave up, and I persisted.

School was about to start, and my mother said, "Brother, will the people at your school be biased against you because of this matter? Probably not, after all, we are all college students."

I said, "Mom, I'm not afraid. Just like a retrograde traveler, someone will always catch a bad mental cold."

I also thought for a long time whether to put my depression experience into perspective. I have been thinking about it for a long time. I am afraid of prejudice and discrimination, but I am even more afraid that everyone will turn a blind eye to the pain of depressed patients, so I am willing to stand up and tell the public. Everyone, around you, maybe those people who are laughing and making jokes are actually extremely ill. They wear heavy masks to hide their panic in the crowd, but please calm down. What a vast world is hidden in those laughter. Loneliness, I hope you can understand.