My peace of mind is my hometown.

In the summer of 2008, I dragged my suitcase to Shanghai Pudong International Airport and flew to Stockholm, Sweden. All the nervousness, expectations, longings, etc. The previous ones turned into capital anxiety at the moment they entered the security gate.

I put my parents' worries far behind me. I tried to wave goodbye calmly and ran to the distant place with uncertain future without looking back.

In a blink of an eye, 10 years passed.

Many people worry that going abroad is a problem. Indeed, years of dumb English education made me suffer a lot at the beginning of my master's degree. I clearly remember my first little homework. I wrote an analytical paper of about three pages in English. I was late and almost cried.

God knows I am a good student with good English. The longest English article I have ever written is only 800 words.

However, language is really just one of the many problems faced after going abroad, and it may even be the easiest one to solve.

Because language ability can make up for it, lovely logical ability, speculative ability and expressive ability can't make up for it.

Despite cramming English day and night, I passed the first open-book exam with excellent results. This is a political economy specially prepared for environmental planners. The examination time is four hours, about 10 essay questions. You're welcome to say that each question can be written in a separate report.

Four hours have passed, and no one in the examination room can hand in the papers. The teacher kindly motioned us to continue writing. Four and a half hours passed, five hours passed, and I finally failed to finish the test paper.

I don't know how to answer and analyze many questions, except for my lack of English discussion ability. There is an old joke that children in China don't know what their views are. Hehe, the joke is very old, but the truth is still there. Maybe I didn't have any opinions on many issues at that time. Since there is no opinion, how can we analyze it?

Although I am a master of science and engineering, most of my course assignments are divided into several parts: the written report of the group project (each member of the group is responsible for one part), the report of the results of the group project (each member of the group reports a part), the multi-group debate (debating among different groups according to the topics drawn up by the professor on the spot), and the personal paper (writing an analytical paper according to the sub-topics extended by the group project).

If there is no group project, there will be at least 2 hours of exams waiting for you in the end.

At the beginning, no matter how the report was written or done, I couldn't persuade other students in the group to adopt my opinion. I just waited for the assignment.

I have been gently or directly reminded several times that my English is very dry and I am too nervous when reporting.

I feel like a soft dough, repeatedly rubbed back and forth under the extremely strict stick of this international master.

I have lost people, cried my nose, failed classes, been criticized, questioned and denied. Rubbing around, finally rubbing out a little shape.

02

At the end of the first year, I can finally actively participate in the topic discussion. Finally, like other students, I can raise my hand to interrupt the professor and ask questions or questions directly. Finally, I can drink coffee and blow beer normally, and talk with my classmate Kan Kan all over the world.

In the end, nothing is good, everything is asked separately after class, and I dare not raise different opinions.

What is more embarrassing than struggling with my studies is that 10 years ago, I couldn't cook or do housework at all.

In the eyes of my mother, I am a charming doll who knows nothing. I don't know what's wrong with me, but I must go abroad to study and never look back. Other girls' suitcases are mostly clothes, while mine are spices, instant noodles, all kinds of dry goods, and her heavy worries.

This kind of worry has continued until now, and every time I go home, I am fed by spoonfuls, as if I had escaped from Europe.

How embarrassing is life? For a simple example, you have to cook three meals a day. Many people think that students can eat in the canteen. Wrong, the canteen in Swedish universities is not affordable for everyone. In 2008, a lunch in the canteen was 60 to 80 Swedish kronor, equivalent to 60 to 80 RMB.

I have a master's degree for two years, and I didn't go to the canteen with my classmates until the end of the last class. The rest of the time, like everyone else, I brought lunch for two years and heated the leftovers for two years.

03

It's been 10 years. How many changes have this 10 year brought to me?

Perhaps the biggest change is that I have grown into a plant with its own soil and water. If I am thrown away, I should be able to work and live in any city and country.

I won't be nervous about going to a new place, I won't feel inferior and sensitive because I don't know one or two foreign languages, and I won't be incoherent because I have to speak in front of many people.

I learned to politely refuse, to humbly express my different views, and not to nod without thinking.

I learned to indulge myself and accept the fact that I can't do many things myself.

I understand that everyone in this world has their own limitations, and our evaluation system is based on their own understanding of this world, so it is really ridiculous to compare and evaluate each other.

The opinions of others are becoming less and less important to me, and so is how I view others.

Any decision we make, whether active or passive, voluntary or forced, can only bear a series of consequences. Therefore, you still have to follow your heart and do what you like. Because people who give you all kinds of opinions say "for your own good" and can't live for you.

Without 10 years of experience, I'm afraid there will always be a sense of preaching.

04

Over the years, because I have spent more and more time in Germany, because I can speak German, and because I don't seem uncomfortable, I am often asked by Germans: Do you feel at home in Germany? Every time I hear a similar question, I laugh and cry.

How do you let me, who grew up in China, speak Chinese and eat Chinese food, answer this question?

Yes, I take the initiative to learn German, the purpose of learning is entirely because of the needs of life, not because I like this language. Being able to speak German really shows that I have the idea of integrating into German society. At least, I don't want language to be an obstacle to my life in this country.

Language is a big or small problem. The key is whether you have a heartfelt sense of identity with your country. This sense of identity ranges from living habits to political culture. I don't have a high sense of identity with Germany.

But what does this mean? Even though I don't have a high sense of identity, I have adapted to life here. Even though I always feel like a foreigner, I can still live well here. If I had a bad life in Germany, I would have left long ago.

To say the least, I left my hometown 10 years ago. Will you feel at home when you go back?

In my frequent visits over the years, I often feel a sense of distance "laughing and asking where the visitors come from". There is a simple reason. In the years when I grew up rapidly, my hometown also developed rapidly. I can't answer whether these two ever-changing forces will reach the same goal through different routes, or whether they will drift apart.

In fact, for those who are far away from home, from the moment they leave, their hometown only exists in memory. In fact, we will never go back to the hometown where we left. Because, even if we haven't changed, we have changed.

Once we see a different life, we are different from before. Looking at it with a changed eye and measuring it with a changed angle will naturally not get the same answer as before.

I sometimes ask myself, if I go back to 10 years ago, will I leave without hesitation?

I think I will. I know the rest is easy and convenient, but I can't agree with it. I bear the hardships and loneliness of leaving alone, but I am willing to do it. Even if I can't answer this seemingly simple question, "Where do I feel at home?" .

I only know that no matter how I choose, all the comforts and hardships must be borne by myself. A treasure, B arsenic, we can't judge the happiness of others by our own standards. I also understand that once people leave their homeland and the once familiar environment, there will be problems of adaptation and recognition wherever they go.

In my opinion, completely accepting or resisting different habits or cultures is not the best answer.

I appreciate dandelions that keep pace with the times. It is not bound by the place, and it can live safely and happily wherever it goes.

Where is my hometown? My peace of mind is my hometown.

May strangers, everyone, find peace of mind.

This article first appeared in Germany: fys_deguo.

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