A selection of classic funny jokes

My son failed in the middle school entrance examination and was scolded by his wife.

I went to comfort my son: "You must study hard and surpass your father in the future."

The son paused, and then said weakly, "I can't guarantee anything else." But I'm sure I'll find a better wife than you in the future. "

2. I'm a little excited to think about it.

My three-year-old son came back from kindergarten and said angrily to me, "Dad, the teacher is not good at all. He is always fierce and doesn't film me sleeping at noon. "

Me: "A teacher can't take care of so many people like a mother. You should be obedient. "

Son: "Let the teacher and mother change. My mother accompanies me in kindergarten every day, and the teacher sleeps with my father at home. "

I'm a little excited to think about it.

You are good at playing cards, too.

A: "Mobile phone landlords are constantly losing. What keeps you going? "

B: "Because my teammates always encourage me."

A: "How are you encouraged?"

B: "You are very good at playing cards!"

A: "..."

4. Is this a kiss?

Zhang San felt that he was not his own since he was a child.

Once he was playing outside and accidentally fell into a cesspit. Her mother saw it and said, "Let's not have this baby!" " ! Go back and eat another one. "

When she grew up, she had a high fever. Her mother touched his forehead with her hand and immediately retracted her hand and said, "It's so hot!" "

His father immediately opened his mouth and said, "Look at your mother!" "

Is this a kiss?

5. Fortunately, I threw it quickly.

I went to play hot water with my classmates at school, and the thermos squeaked on the way back to the dormitory.

I said, "It's not good to blow it up."

This guy whooshed the thermos bottle out. Bang, it really blew up.

The buddy said with a lingering fear, "Fortunately, I threw it quickly and didn't blow me up."

6. We are impossible.

One day, when I was not very busy, a buddy asked me to write a wedding invitation for me. After writing for a long time, I feel a little wrong, but even if I look at it, I can't see anything wrong.

At this time, my brother's daughter-in-law came to have a look and said, "Can the groom's name be changed? We are impossible. "

I ...

7. It may have shrunk.

Recently my brother talked about a funny girlfriend. She is cute, but a little short. She went shopping with her yesterday.

She was very excited and said, "I have cramps in my hands and feet recently. Is it going to grow again? "

I said, "You won't grow now, but you may shrink." .

Do you know who Jia Cuihua is?

The teacher asked Xiaoming, "Do you know who the king of Spain is?"

Xiao Ming: "Well, I don't know."

Teacher: "Then you must spend more time on your study!" " "

Xiao Ming asked, "Teacher, do you know who Jia Cuihua is?"

Teacher: "Who is that? I have no idea. "

Xiaoming: "Then you must spend more time on your husband!" " "

9. dodged another bullet

Quarrel with my wife, my wife reached out and hit me in a rage, and I grabbed her hand.

The wife said angrily, "Why did you grab my hand? Let go! "

I had a brainwave: "Don't let go, hold your hand and grow old with your son."

After that, I held my wife in my arms.

I was so clever that I dodged another bullet.

10, one for each of us.

Take the subway, sitting next to a beautiful young mother holding a one-year-old shota.

After a while, I may be hungry and have been pestering for milk.

Mom said, "Are you still breastfeeding at your age?"

The child shouted and picked up his mother's neckline, and her mother blocked her chest with her specialty. Shota struggled for a long time, but there was nothing he could do.

Suddenly he shouted at me, "Uncle, help me take it off, one for each of us."

Do you think I should help him?

1 1, a: "I'm poor, so I can only find an ugly wife!"

B: "Why?"

Answer: "Because ugly people want less bride price!"

B: "Don't just look at the immediate interests. If you marry an ugly girl, you will get 5,000 double eyelids,10.5 million breast augmentation, 80,000 nose pads, 50,000 abdominal liposuction, and various weight-loss activities of 3,000 yuan per month. Which one do you think is appropriate? "

A: "..."

12. It is popular that school is useless. What I want to say is that everything you learn at school is useful. Even if the school punishes you, you will benefit for life.

For example, when I was at school, I was often punished. Now, I am a security guard, and I am not tired when I stand every day!

13, the spider husband came home and found that his wife had dyed the spider web red, so he asked his wife, "Wife, how did this spider web turn red?" Have you had your period? "

Spider's wife gave a white look and said, "What do you know? I want to be an online celebrity! "

14, the historical truth you don't know:

Shang Yang's political reform in Qin made Qin powerful, but he died of a car crack.

Lin Zexu, Humen destroyed opium, and Yang Guowei were sent to Xinjiang;

Huang Rong and Guo Jing, famous for their martial arts, eventually died in Xiangyang.

The leader was infertile. I slept with his wife to save people from danger, and my boss brutally fired me.

15, the landlord is fat, afraid of the heat, and needs to turn on the air conditioner, and his wife is distressed by the electricity bill.

Me: "Wife, turn on the air conditioner?"

Wife: "What car do you drive? Not very hot! " "

Me: "I have a low body temperature and am afraid of heat!" " "

Wife: "Are you afraid of heat when your body temperature is low? Don’t give me a song and dance! Dead pigs have low body temperature, and people are not afraid of boiling water! " "

Me: "..."

16, I am an adventurous person. I heard that tigers in Beijing Wildlife Park will eat people. I want to see how tigers eat people. I drove there with my wife. When I arrived at Beijing Wildlife Park, I immediately pushed my wife out of the car, then closed the door and quietly watched what was about to happen. After a while, two hungry tigers jumped on me, circled my wife several times, and slowly walked away ... Then I understood a truth: tigers eat meat, not plastic!

17, the annual theft conference, we exchange theft experience.

A: "Our team is getting stronger and stronger. Do you want to build a website to facilitate communication? "

C: "Yes, yes!"

A: "What's the name of this website?"

C: "Where do our hands mainly extend? Sure, it's in the bag, right? That's called an Internet cafe! "

18. In Chinese class, the teacher asked, "Who knows what stubbornness means?"

Xiao Ming: "Teacher, I know."

Teacher: "OK, you talk."

Xiao Ming: "When the teacher scolded us, his face was expressionless, as if he were dead. This is dead skin. He rang the bell when the teacher was in class. He didn't finish class, but he stayed in the classroom. It's shameless. This is shameless. "

Teacher: "Get out, Nima!" "

19, three people discuss a personnel problem.

A: "He is a cheerful person and is very suitable to join our team."

B: "Besides personality, you should also look at other aspects, such as are you serious and harmonious?"

A: "I have contacted him, and these aspects are also good."

B: "Besides, does he love team work?"

A: "Don't worry about this. He loves it. "

Without saying a word, B asked C, "Do you know this man? Do you agree with him to join? "

C: "agree, isn't it just joining a group?" Is it necessary to be so strict? " ! "

20. Husband: "Wife, when you were watching TV, the man found a mistress and the woman cleaned up and left home. What would you do if I found a mistress? "

Wife: "I will clean your house, too."

Husband: "Really? With my ability, even if I leave home clean, I can start from scratch and catch a lot of beauty, hehe! "

Wife: "I really don't understand. I asked you to' clean' out of the house. You have no roots. Why do you need a beautiful woman?"

Husband: "... you are so cruel!" "

zhl20 1702