World celebrity joke

A: A piece of cigarette paper!

Oh, great! Tin cellophane!

A: I feel uncomfortable if I want tin foil. I am a radish!

B: Anything else?

Boss, give me back a cigarette!

B: cigarette butts?

A: More than half!

B: More than half of them are cigarette butts.

A: The front door!

B: Let's go! I said, are you poor or not?

Could it be the story of Mark Twain, "Cigarette ends, front doors"?

One day, Mark Twain went out for a ride. When the conductor checked the ticket, he searched every pocket and couldn't find his ticket. It happened that the conductor knew him, so he comforted Mark Twain and said, "It doesn't matter. If you really can't find the ticket, it doesn't matter." "Cough! Why not? I must find the damn ticket, otherwise, how will I know where I am going? "

Mark Twain once went to a university to give a lecture by train. Because time is tight, he is in a hurry, but the train runs slowly. At this moment, a ticket inspector came over and asked him, "Sir, do you have a ticket?"

Mark Twain handed him a child ticket.

After careful examination, the ticket inspector said, "That's interesting. I didn't expect you to be a child! " "

Mark Twain replied, "I am not a child now, but I was a child when I bought the ticket."

Mark Twain likes reading or writing in bed.

One morning, a reporter came to interview him.

Mark Twain asked his wife to invite the man to his bedroom.

The wife objected, "shouldn't you get up?" What's it like to lie in bed and let others stand? "

Mark Twain thought for a moment and then said, "I didn't think of that. Then you'd better ask the servant to make another bed! " "

Mark Twain once stayed in a hotel. He was told in advance that mosquitoes were particularly fierce here.

When he checked in at the reception desk, a mosquito just flew in.

Mark Twain said to the waiter, "I heard that mosquitoes in your area are very smart. Sure enough, they will come to see my room number in advance, so that they can check the number and have a full meal at night. "

The waiter couldn't help laughing after listening.

As a result, Mark Twain slept well that night, because the waiter also remembered the room number and went into the room in advance to do the mosquito killing work.

By chance, Mark Twain and the speaker John M Debby were invited to the same dinner party.

The speech at the dinner table began. Mark Twain has a good eloquence and rich feelings. He spoke for 20 minutes and won warm applause.

Then it was Debiao's turn to speak.

Debiao stood up and said with a sad face, "ladies and gentlemen, I'm really sorry. Before the meeting, Mr. Mark Twain asked me to exchange speeches, so what you just heard. "

This is my speech, and I sincerely thank you for your careful listening and enthusiastic support. However, somehow, I can't find Mr. Mark Twain's speech, so I can't speak for him. Please forgive me for sitting down. "

1900, Mark Twain wrote an ironic New Year greeting. In a few words, the ugly face of the capitalist powers' aggression and expansion in various parts of the world, including China, was exposed to the fullest.

The full text is as follows: "1Congratulatory message from the 9th century to the 20th century: I bring you this noble woman named Christian World. She is unkempt and shameless, and has just returned from Jiaozhou, Manchuria, Fu Fei and the Philippines. She has a bad heart, hides stolen goods and is full of hypocrisy. Give her soap and towels. The mirror must be put away. "

French celebrity Bogart ridiculed the short history of Americans, saying that "Americans often miss their ancestors when they are free, but when they think of their grandparents, they can't help but stop."

Mark Twain hit back: "When the French are free, they always want to find out who their father is, but it is difficult to find out."

Mark Twain often tells people a sad past when he was a child.

It is said that Mark Twain was born as twins. He and his twin brother are so alike that even their mother can't tell them apart.

One day, while the nanny was bathing them, one of them accidentally fell into the bathtub and drowned. No one knows which twin drowned.

"The saddest thing is here." Mark Twain said, "Everyone thinks I am the one who survived, but I am not. It was my brother who survived.

Brother. I was the one who drowned. "

When Mark Twain was a little-known writer, he was introduced to General Grant.

After they shook hands, Mark Twain couldn't think of anything to say, and Grant kept his usual silence.

Finally, Mark Twain stammered, "General, I feel very embarrassed. What about you? "

There was once a critic who liked to find fault with details and accused Mark Twain of lying.

Mark Twain replied, "If you can't lie and you don't have the ability to lie, what about lies?"

I have no knowledge at all. How do you judge that I'm lying? Only those experienced in this field have the right to make such blatant and arbitrary accusations. "

A friend of Mark Twain read a lot of Mark Twain's short stories, and then he began to write short stories.

He wrote and wrote, but he never published it.

Finally, miraculously, he published a novel.

The happy friend told Mark Twain about it, and he proudly said, "This novel is not very difficult to write."

Mark Twain looked around, leaned into his friend's ear and said, "But you have reached the top!" " "

Mark Twain was once asked if he remembered how he made money for the first time.

He thought for a long time and then said, "Yes, I remember it very clearly. That was when I was studying in primary school. At that time, primary school students didn't respect teachers and didn't cherish the property of the school. They often break tables and chairs. So our school has made a rule that whenever any student breaks a desk and chair with a pencil or knife, then

He will be beaten or fined five yuan in front of the whole school.

One day, I broke my desk, so I had to tell my father that I violated the school rules, and I was either fined five yuan or beaten in front of the whole school. Father said it was a shame to be beaten in front of all the students in the school. He promised me five yuan to donate to the school. But before giving me five dollars, he took me upstairs and gave me a good beating.

I think, since I have been beaten, I decided to fight again in front of all the students in order to save the five dollars. I really did it,

That was the first time I made money. "

Mark Twain received a letter from a young man who was a beginner in writing.

The author is quite interested in such a question: I heard that fish bones contain a lot of phosphorus, which supplements the brain, so it is necessary to become

A world-famous great writer must have eaten a lot of fish. I wonder if this statement is in line with reality.

He asked Mark Twain, "Did you eat a lot of fish? What kind of fish did you eat?"

Mark Twain wrote back: "It seems that you have to eat a whale."

Once, Mark Twain was invited to dinner.

During the dinner, he said to a lady, "Madam, you are so beautiful!" " "

Unexpectedly, the woman said, "I'm sorry, sir, I can't answer you in the same way."

Mark Twain, with quick thinking and sharp words, smiled and replied, "That's all right. You can also lie like me. "