Give me a big joke.

One hundred super jokes, O(∩_∩)O~ 1: Once upon a time, a man was fishing and caught a squid. Squid begged him: let me go, don't bake me to eat. The man said, well, let me ask you a few questions. Squid is very happy to say: you take the exam! Then this man roasted the squid .. 2: I used to have schizophrenia, and now we have recovered. 3. An international student is taking a driver's license test in America, and the road sign ahead suggests turning left. Not sure, he asked the examiner, "Turn left?" Answer: "Yes", so ... hang up ... 4: One day Mung Bean committed suicide, jumped down from the fifth floor, shed a lot of blood and became a red bean; It has been squeezed dry and turned into soybeans; The wound was scarred and finally turned into black beans. Xiaoming cut his hair and came to school the next day. The students all laughed when they saw his new hairstyle: Xiao Ming, your head is a kite! Xiao Ming felt very wronged and ran outside to cry. Crying and crying ~ He flew to ............... 6: A person looks like an onion, crying while walking ... 7: The little penguin asked his grandmother one day, "Grandma, am I a penguin?" "Yes, of course you are a penguin." The little penguin asks his father again, "Dad, Dad, am I a penguin?" "Yes, you are a penguin. What's wrong? " "But, but why do I feel so cold?" 8: A pair of corn fell in love … so they decided to get married … On the wedding day … one corn couldn't find another corn … The corn asked the popcorn next to it: Have you seen our corn? Popcorn: honey, I'm wearing a wedding dress ... 9: In music class, the teacher played a Beethoven tune. Xiaoming asked Xiaohua, "Do you know music?" Xiaohua: Yes, Xiaoming: Do you know what the teacher is playing? Xiaohua: "Piano." 10: Q: Two people fell into a trap. The dead call the dead, but what is the living? A: Call for help! 1 1: Question: What are cloth and paper afraid of? A: cloth is afraid of 10 thousand, paper is afraid of one thousand. Reason: not (cloth) afraid of 10 thousand, just (paper) afraid of one thousand. 12: one day, a mother-in-law took a bus ... halfway through, her mother-in-law didn't know the way ... her mother-in-law spanked the driver with a stick and said, where is this? Driver: this is my ass ... 13: an egg goes to the teahouse to drink tea, and it becomes a tea egg; An egg went swimming in Songhua River, and it became a preserved egg. An egg went to Shandong and became a Lu (halogen) egg; An egg was homeless and turned into a wild egg; An egg accidentally fell on the road and fell to the ground, causing a missile; An egg ran into someone's yard and became an atomic bomb; An egg ran to the Qinghai-Tibet Plateau and became a hydrogen bomb. An egg got sick and turned into a bad egg; An egg got married and became an asshole; An egg swam in the river and became a nuclear bomb. An egg ran into the flowers and became Hua Dan; An egg is riding a horse with a knife. It turns out that he is a Beijing opera blues. An egg is female and ugly, and it turns into a dinosaur egg; An egg is a man, and his wife commits adultery with other eggs outside, and as a result, he becomes an illegitimate child; An egg ... 14: The host asked: Can cats climb trees? The eagle replied first: Yes! Compere: Give an example! Eagles with tears: That year, I fell asleep, the cat climbed the tree ... and then there was an owl ...15: Two dung beetles discussed the welfare lottery, and A said: If I won the grand prize, I would buy all the toilets in Fiona Fang 50 miles and eat enough every day! B said: you are too vulgar! If I win the lottery, I will pack a living person and eat fresh food every day! 16: Why did the chicken cross the road? The answer got to the other side 17: A: What is that man doing? He's shaking. Why is he shaking? He's cold. A: Oh, shivering doesn't lead to cold drawing. A: ... A banana gentleman is dating his girlfriend. He is walking in the street. It was very hot, so Mr. Banana took off his clothes, and then his girlfriend fell down ... 19: One sausage was cold in the refrigerator, and then he looked at the other one beside him. He felt a little comforted and said, "Look at you all frozen like this." As a result, Root said, "Sorry, I'm a popsicle." 20. Once upon a time, a cotton candy went to play with a ball for a long time. He said, I'm so tired. I feel weak all over. ................................................................................................................................. lost her way in finding a university at 22: mm Meet a gentle professor. Excuse me, how can I get to the university? Professor: Only by studying hard can you go to college. The director and the section chief share the elevator. After farting, the director said to the section chief, You farted! The section chief said: I didn't let it go ... Soon the section chief was dismissed, and the director said at the meeting: You can't afford to fart. What's your use? Miss: Business is bad now! Boss: Why? Miss: "Bird flu ……" 25: A woman trembled when she met a robber. She said, "I'm from XX school. I just graduated. I haven't found a job yet. I really have no money ... "The robber even cried after hearing this. "Elder sister, I am also from XX school. You take the student ID card. It's still XX school that was robbed in front. Don't worry, we will never rob our own people! " 26. I want to talk to my girlfriend ML. My girlfriend said I couldn't take a shower, but she promised that it would be cold to wash the parts. After washing, my girlfriend said shyly, "Honey, you are lazy, where to wash …" I fainted after listening to it, and even brushed my teeth. A blind beggar was begging in the street wearing sunglasses. A drunk came up and felt sorry for him, so he threw him a hundred dollars. After walking for a while, the drunk turned around and happened to see the blind man with his back to the sun to distinguish the authenticity of a hundred-dollar bill. The drunk came over and took the money back and said, "You fucking don't want to live, how dare you lie to me!" " The blind beggar said with a look of injustice, "Brother, I'm really sorry. I'm looking for a friend. He was blind and went to the toilet. Actually, I'm stupid. "Oh, yes," so the drunk dropped the money and staggered away ... 28: Bird flu-it's all caused by "paradise shit"! ! ! There are two kinds of people who have a high probability of getting bird flu-1." Animals "; 2. People who are "worse than animals" ... 29: A: Hey, how did you learn to smoke? B: I stole the forbidden fruit from Adam and Eve ~ C: Do you know why Adam and Eve stole the forbidden fruit? AB: I don't know! Because Adam has no cigarettes! (Hint: homophonic word) 30: Someone just got abandoned by his girlfriend and happened to meet his ex-girlfriend flirting with his new lover in the street. The more he watched it, the angrier he became, trying to humiliate them. So I made a polite greeting and said contemptuously to my girlfriend's new love, "You don't dislike my second-hand goods!" " Just when he was proud of his creativity, his ex-girlfriend smiled and said, "One inch outside is old, and all inside is new! "3 1: She kissed me when we broke up, and it felt as real as People's Daily ... 32: I just saw something like a news scroll bar above the computer screen of Senior Sister, and the words on it passed quickly. I am curious to ask: Is this the lyrics? Senior: Yes! Senior: How did it pass so quickly? I didn't even see it clearly! Senior: From Jay Chou! ! Wife: I'm really blind. I'll marry you when I step in shit. Husband: I was really blind enough to step on shit before I married you. Shit: I'm so unlucky! Lying there, you both stepped on it ... 34: College entrance examination chemistry problem: A and B can be transformed into each other, B can generate C in boiling water, and C can be oxidized into D in air. Smells like rotten eggs. What are a, b, c and d? I replied: A is a chicken, B is a raw egg, C is a cooked egg, and D is of course a rotten egg! 35: Which is the worst, rubber, tiger skin or lion skin? A: Eraser. Because of the eraser Q: What's that with three heads and one foot? Answer: Three monsters with one head and one foot! ! ! ! ! ! 37: The ants went to the desert. Why didn't he leave footprints on the beach, but only a line? Answer: Because it rides a bike! The ant came home from the desert. He didn't inform anyone, but his family knew he was back! Why ah! Answer: I saw his bike parked downstairs ... 38: One day, a female drug addict was arrested in the police station. When the police saw the tattoo on her hand, she asked her why you tattooed your boyfriend's name on your hand. Is his name Xiao Liang ... Ah ... isn't it? Come on, say ... Is he on drugs? Please, I saw the female drug addict look up and tell the police with angry eyes that it was hate. Xiaomei's boyfriend said to her, "I'll take off my hat and you cheer me on." "My boyfriend was about to run when she heard Xiaomei shouting behind her:" Come on! Come on! 4 1: An orangutan walked through the Woods and accidentally picked up the feces of a gibbon. Good orangutans cleaned up apes. After a while, they fell in love, and people asked how you were together. The orangutan replied, "It's ape dung (fate)!" 42: A fat man jumped from a tall building in .......... ... and became a fat man ... 43: One day, a duck named Xiao Huang was hit by a car while crossing the road. He shouted, "Gung!" Since then, it has become a cucumber ... 44: There is a penguin whose home is far from the polar bear's home. It will take 20 years to get there on foot. One day, the penguin stayed at home and was bored. He was going to play with polar bears, so he went out, but on the way, he found that he forgot to lock the door. It's been 10 years, but the door still has to be locked, so the penguin went home to lock it. After locking the door, the penguin set out again to look for the polar bear, which means it took him 40 years to reach the polar bear's home ... Then the penguin knocked on the door and said, "Polar bear, polar bear, penguin wants to play with you!" " "Guess what the polar bear said when he opened the door?" Let's go to your house to play ~ "45: The little white rabbit skipped to the bakery and asked," Boss, do you have a hundred buns? "Boss:" Oh, sorry, not that much. " "I see. . 。” The little white rabbit left in frustration. The next day, the little white rabbit skipped to the bakery. "Boss, do you have one hundred steamed buns? "Boss:" Sorry, I haven't. "I see. . 。” The little white rabbit left in frustration again. On the third day, the little white rabbit skipped to the bakery. "Boss, do you have one hundred steamed buns? "The boss said happily," Yes, yes, we have one hundred steamed buns today! ! "The little white rabbit took out the money:" Great, I'll buy two! "Xiao Ming said," Kang, ask you, "A shark ate a mung bean. What did it become? Kang said, "I don't know. What is the answer? Xiao Ming said, "Hey! Hey! The answer is "green bean paste (mung bean shark)", you idiot! 47: The teacher asked a classmate how to reduce white pollution. Classmate A: Make the lunch box blue. 48: One person has a bad stomach. One day, he went to the Stomach Hospital and said to the doctor, "I eat watermelon, cucumber, cucumber!" " "The doctor thought about it and said to him," I think you have to eat shit! "49: On the plane, an air hostess asked a little girl," Why didn't the plane hit the stars when it was flying so high? " The little girl replied, "I know, because the stars will shine!" 50: A polar bear plays with a penguin, and the penguin plucks his hair one by one. After pulling it out, he said to the polar bear, "It's so cold!" When the polar bear heard this, he tore off his hair one by one and turned to the penguin and said, "It's really cold! "5 1: Q: What do African cannibals eat? A: people! Q: Then one day, the chief fell ill and the doctor told him to be a vegetarian. What did he eat? A: Eat vegetables! There are two sausages in the refrigerator. After a long time, a sausage shook. Wow! It's so cold ~ another sausage said in surprise, huh? You are a sausage. How can you talk? One day, a male deer ran faster and faster, and finally, it became a high-speed male deer. One day, the teacher took a group of children to the mountain to pick fruit. She announced: "children, after picking the fruit, we will wash it together." After washing, we can eat together. "All the children went to pick fruit. As soon as the assembly time came, all the children got together. Teacher: "Xiaohua, what do you have?" Xiaohua: "I am washing apples because I picked them." "Teacher:" What about you, Xiaomei? "Xiaomei:" I'm washing tomatoes because I picked tomatoes. "Teacher:" The children are great! Where is Amin? "Amin:" I'm washing cloth shoes because I stepped in shit. The teacher asked Xiao Amin a question in class, but Xiao Ming stood up without saying a word. Teacher: Xiaoming? Teacher: Xiaoming Teacher: Xiaoming! What's the matter with you? Do you know the answer or not? At least let me know! Xiao Ming: Zhi ~ 56: An elephant asked the camel,' Why do your breasts grow on your back?' The camel said,' Stay away from death, I won't talk to anything with a penis on my face! 57: How to make drinks bigger? Read the Great Compassion Mantra 58: Xiaoming: What's the temperature today? Xiaohua: 3 degrees below zero! Xiaoming: No wonder it's so cold. 59: A little boy came home from school and peeped out from the window. A woman lying in bed rubbed her chest and shouted, I want a man, I want a man! The next day, the little boy found a man lying on the woman outside the window, so the little boy went home to lie on the bed and rubbed his chest and shouted, I want a bike! I want a bike! 60: Once upon a time, there was a bird. He passed a cornfield every day, but one day the cornfield caught fire and all the corn turned into popcorn! ! ! After the bird flew by ... I thought it was snowing, but it was freezing ... 6 1: It is said that there was a polar bear who had to wear sunglasses to see things because the snow was too dazzling, but he couldn't find sunglasses, so he crawled around on the ground with his eyes closed, crawling and crawling until his hands and feet were dirty. I put on my sunglasses and looked in the mirror before I found out: Oh, I'm a panda. 62: The science teacher asked: Why is the body cold after death? No one answered. The teacher asked again: Does nobody know? At this time, a classmate stood up and said, that's because you are calm and naturally cool. 63. Xiaoming lost a leg in a car accident, another leg in a car accident and another leg in a car accident. In fact, Xiaoming is a dog. 64. One day, A, B and C went out to play together and wandered around the road for a long time. Later, A said that I was so bored that I wanted to hit B. Then C took a look at A and dragged B into the alley to fight. 65: Three rabbits poop. The first one is long. The second one is just spherical. The third one is actually triangular. Asked, it replied: I pinched it with my hand. 66: When will Taiwan Province Province be unified? When buying instant noodles 67: One day Xiao Qiang asked his father, "Dad, am I stupid?" Dad said, "Silly boy, how can you be a silly boy?" 68: When Xiaoming came home, the dog next door suddenly ran out and bit him. In a rage, he picked up bamboo and tried to hit him. The owner of the dog saw Xiao Ming beating his dog and said unhappily, you have to look after the owner when you beat the dog. Haven't you heard of it? At this moment, Xiao Ming said: Good! I will beat your dog while watching you. Xiaohua, did you use my pencil? Xiaohua: No, I'm useless. Bug: Are you really useless? Xiaohua: I'm so useless! Bug: Alas, you are the17th person to admit that you are useless. 70: How did the ants die after falling from the Himalayas? Answer: I am starving. It takes a long time to float down because it is too light ... 80: Why are puppies getting smaller and smaller? A: Because it goes further and further. 8 1: Once upon a time there was a horse! It ran into the sea. So, it becomes a "hippocampus"! Another friend of this horse fell into the river in order to find the horse that fell into the sea. Later, he became a hippo. The third horse is white. In order to find two missing friends, it came to a city with chaotic traffic. It was run over by several cars in a row, leaving several black stripes on its body. Turns out to be a zebra! One day, the fourth horse went to a factory to find the companions of the first three horses and was transformed into an "iron horse". But later, those horses could not escape the fate of being eaten, and all of them were made into "Shaqima". All the horses survived and became a world without horses ... Then, a group of people could not help but say "the horses are really cold" after seeing this joke. Finally, in order to commemorate this joke, someone edited it into a class, and we called it "Marseille class"! 82: Xiaoming owes 200,000 yuan to the underground bank. Xiao Ming begged him to stay a few more days. The man at the bank said, you must return it tomorrow, or ... chop off two fingers; The day after tomorrow ... chop 4; The third day ... Xiaoming: Don't you have to return it? No, you will become Tinker Bell. 83: A man met God one day, and God suddenly showed mercy and planned to give that man a wish. God asked: Do you have any wishes? The man thought for a moment and said, I heard that cats have nine lives, so please give me nine lives! God said: Your wish has come true! One day, a man was bored and wanted to say death. Anyway, he has nine lives, lying on the tracks. As a result, a train passed by and the man was still dead. Why? Because the car of that train has 10 knots. 84: A guy went to the hospital for a check-up and did a lot of tests. The doctor said: There is good news and bad news! After reading your test results, I found that you have a potential homosexual tendency! ! And it's hard to cure! This guy said, oh, my god! What's the good news? The doctor said shyly, I find you very cute. 85: A hunter went hunting with his hounds and wandered around the forest all day without any prey. It was dark, but he continued to ride in the Woods. The horse suddenly said,' You won't let me rest, and you want to kill me! ? The hunter was startled and immediately rolled down from his horse, pulling the hounds and running away. When he ran to a big tree to catch his breath, the dog patted his chest and said to him, "You scared me to death. Horses can talk!" " So the hunter was scared to death on the spot. Wolf, tiger and lion, who will be eliminated when playing games? Wolf because: Momotaro (eliminated the wolf) 87: One day A picked a mirror and looked at it and said; People here are too familiar. B said; Is it? Let me see (holding a mirror), me! You don't even know me? 88: Tomato A and Tomato B go shopping. B asks A: Where are we going? A doesn't answer. B asked again: where are we going? A still doesn't answer. B asked again. Tomato a turns to tomato b and says, aren't we tomatoes? Why are we talking? 89: Once upon a time, there was a white cat and a black cat. One day, the white cat fell into the water and the black cat saved it. The white cat said a word to the black cat. Q: What is this sentence? Meow 90: A: Do you know what I did in the Internet cafe last night? B: "What are you doing?" A: "surfing the internet; B: Hmm. . "9 1: Two flies go to eat. Brother asked brother: Brother, why do we eat shit every day? The big one said, don't say such disgusting things when eating! ! 92: Lu Su in the straw boat: "Can you really borrow such an arrow?" Mr. Kong Ming? "Zhuge Liang:" Trust me. " Lu Su said, "But I'm still a little worried ..." Zhuge Liang said, "No need. "Lu Su:" But don't you think it's getting hotter and hotter in the boat? "Zhuge Liang:" It's a little inconvenient to say that ... Is there anything wrong? Lu Su: "Yes, I'm afraid the enemy is launching rockets." ... "Zhuge Liang:" Hey! ? Amethyst: Can you swim? I can't. "93: Monkeys should put peanuts in their ass first, and then take them out. The administrator explained: once someone fed it peach kernel, but the peach kernel could not be pulled out. Monkeys are scared, so they must be measured before eating now. 94: The hospital set up a 100 channel to prevent patients from escaping, but there are still two mental patients who want to escape from the hospital. Trying to climb over the wall in the dark. Under the thirtieth wall, "Are you tired?" , "Not tired." So the two continued to walk away. Under the sixtieth wall, "Are you tired?" "Not tired. "So the two of them turned outward to the 99th wall." Are you tired? " "Tired" and "Ok, let's go back" 95: Xiaoming: By a stream, four boys, Dabao, Daxiong, Dazhi and Dawei, are playing with water naked. Suddenly, someone electrocuted the fish by the stream, and all four boys were electrocuted! Guess an electrical appliance. Kang: Hmm ... I don't know ~ Xiaoming: The answer is "TV"! Hey hey! Lesson 96: Luo Xiao: Dad, why do we have humps? Father Camel: Because there is no water in the desert, only the hump can store water! Luo Xiao: Dad, why do we have long hair? Father camel: Because there is a big sandstorm in the desert, we have to rely on it to stop the sandstorm before we can see it! Luo Xiao: Dad, why do we have thick hooves? Father Camel: Because the desert is full of sand, we can stand firm! Luo Xiao: Dad, one last question, what are we doing in the zoo? 97: The hen is hatching eggs, and an egg comes out of her ass. The hen said, "What are you doing? Egg: "Your fart stinks." "98: A person's name is Du Ziteng ... When the teacher called the roll, he asked, "Where is Du Ziteng?" The classmate said, "He has a stomachache. "99: My girlfriend asked me to go to her house to see a movie. After arriving at her home, she wrote the word "movie" on the wall with a pen, and we both sat on the toilet and watched it. 100: One morning, an officer with a reputation for being strict asked the morning soldier, "Are you cold? Xiao Bing replied, "No! The officer was angry: "Then why are you shaking?" "Xiao Bing replied," It's frozen! "Please refer to! .