Who has a joke (not online)? Great God helps.

Two ants were walking on the road when they suddenly saw a big pear. Type the country name. Answer 1: Ant A: Hey, big pear? (Italy) Answer 2: Ant B: "Shh, pear." (Syria) Answer 3: Oh, big pear. Answer 4: Ant B: "Hey, move." (Spain) Answer 5: Ant A: "I'll come!" (Brunei) Answer 6: Ant B: "Take it home." (Bulgaria) Answer 7: I can't hold back. Ant A has an idea: "Eat pears." Answer 8: Ant B took a bite and said, "The pear is not tender." Answer 9: Ant A also took a bite and said, "Noodles." Answer 10: Ant B took another bite and said, "A pear." (Israel) Did you laugh? ~~~ 1. Firefly was detained for hooliganism. Fireflies are not satisfied: Who discharged them? Who streaked? Who has an exhibitionist? I'm not allowed to order the toilet when it's dark? A robber in new york, USA, said a wise saying when robbing a bank: "Don't move, money belongs to the country, and life is your own!" 2. An electrician walked into the operating room and said to a dying patient wearing an oxygen mask: Hello! Listen, take a deep breath, I need a power outage for five minutes! One night, a naked man called a taxi, and the female driver stared at him. The naked man was furious and shouted: You have never seen a naked man! The female driver was also furious: I don't think you can fucking pay for it! There was a patient lying in bed singing. He began to sing on his back, and then he sang on his back again after a while. The dean was puzzled and asked why. He replied: silly, it was side A just now, and now it is side B! One day, a lion and a bear were in the orchard. . A few days later, the trees near Lion db are longer than those near Bear db. So the bear said a very philosophical sentence: lion shit is better than bear shit ~! ~! 6. I have told you more than once not to work so hard and pay attention to your health, but you always said meaningfully: What should I eat if I don't roll more dung balls in hot winter? ! 7. A group of thieves robbed a bank and were photographed. The thief said: Brother, our movie dream has finally come true! The boss angrily said, idiot! Why don't you use your brain? Put on the mask, who knows which wrist we are. 8. The "trophy" of the university canteen for four years shows: (c _ chair) (1) An earthworm, lying at the bottom of spinach soup, became white and swollen, like a little finger; (2) A ladybug, seven stars, I counted them carefully; (3) Strawberry is a (good thing), but I don't know why it appears in the bean bag; (4) I made a meat dish and saw a big piece of meat in it (as big as a mouse, everyone around me envied it). As a result, I turned it over and saw that it was half a pig's chest, black and hairy! ! ! (5) steamed bread, the first bite has not been eaten, and the second bite has been bitten; (6) Tofu, after eating it for the first time, always goes to the canteen to steal a few bricks before each fight; (7) Others: porridge can be bathed, rice can be used to shoot birds, steamed bread can fly to Taiwan Province Island ... Summary: The canteen is a place that can always surprise us: today, you think you have the worst food in the world, but tomorrow, you will always find yourself wrong. 9. My lover is a stunning beauty. One day, she will marry me on a fire-breathing dinosaur, but I saw her riding a horse, but I didn't see its owner ... 10. A buddy said gloomily, "* * *, I was rejected by MM!" The other said, "You figured it out like this. After being rejected, MM's sisters told me. " The buddy next to him said, "You are so lucky. The news that I was rejected was transmitted to the boys' dormitory through the girls' dormitory, and then my buddy told me. " The last one said, "Ah, bah, I saw the news that I was rejected on the' Top Ten Today' in our school BBS! ! "1 1. In class, two boys in the back row: A:" I curse that your future girlfriend is from our Jiaotong University! " B: "I curse your future girlfriend in our class! ! ! "12. Freshman: I found a bug and the whole bowl of rice fell down; Sophomore: I found a bug and picked it out to continue eating; Junior year: I found a bug and ate it like there was no bug; Senior: I found no bugs, protested, how can I eat without bugs! When I was in graduate school, I found a bug, sighing, it was too simple. When I was reading my PhD, I found that there were only bugs, and I felt that the school food had improved ... 13. God, there are six "Xiao Qiang" in four servings of rice! ! ! Gentle, I can no longer restrain my pent-up anger. In a huff, I came to the rice window and slammed a kilo of 820 iron lunch box on the windowsill. In an instant, the noisy canteen quieted down, and more than a thousand pairs of eyes stared at Master Liu, who was cooking, and calmly pushed out my lunch box: "How many times have I said that it takes seven cockroaches to change a bean bag!" Everyone turned over ... 14. The last question in the professional exam: Who do you think is the most influential physicist? I wrote Newton. As a result, I was the only one in the class who failed. It turns out that everyone wrote the name of the tutor ... X, what a world! 15. Yesterday morning, when I was watching the scenery on the balcony, I found a beautiful girl in the opposite girl's dormitory waving to me with a handkerchief, and I waved to her. Then she ran to another window and waved to me, and I waved to her; Then she left again, and I didn't realize it until she waved to me at the third window. It turned out that she was cleaning the windows ... 16.mm looking for Tsinghua, and she got lost. Fortunately, I met a gentle professor with some thick books in his arms. "Excuse me, how can I get to Tsinghua University?" The professor pondered for a while and said earnestly, "Study, you can only go to Tsinghua if you continue to study hard." 17. A student in Tsinghua squats in a corner of the zoo with a broken bottle every day to watch bears. His mother went to the hospital to ask if there was anything wrong with the child's nerves. The doctor said that judging whether he is sick or not should start with knowing him. So the doctor took a bottle to see the bear every day, and the two of them squatted for a month without saying a word. Finally, one day, he said, "Excuse me, are you, are you going to throw sulfuric acid at the bear?" 18. The only girl in the department came to watch the basketball game. Suddenly, the MM skirt was blown by the strong wind, and the foreign boy shouted, "God, spring is missing!" " "The boy in the department said with a calm face," Please, this is dirty clothes! "19. I saw another one that day: a man swore to God to be faithful to his marriage when he got married, but cheated on him shortly after marriage. After a few days, he found that there was no retribution and forgot. Until one day, he was sailing by boat and was caught in a storm. He suddenly realized that this was God's punishment, so he quickly knelt down and prayed: Please forgive him for other innocent people. At this moment, I heard a deep voice in the sky: Do you think I am free these years? Can I easily fill this boat? I am 20 years old. A lady took her baby to obstetrics and gynecology. The doctor asked the woman: Does the baby eat breast milk or milk? Woman: Breastfeeding! Doctor: Then please take off your clothes. Woman: Ah! ? Why? Doctor: Please don't be nervous. This is obstetrics and gynecology, and it will never infringe on you. The woman took off her coat with a grain of salt. The doctor touched her chest with his hand, touched it down and rubbed it left and right. Say to this woman: No wonder the baby is malnourished. You don't have breast milk! Woman: Nonsense! Of course I don't have breast milk; I am his aunt! 2 1. One day Xiaoqing went to the drugstore to buy condoms, and the boss showed all the samples she didn't like. Xiaoqing only requires black .................................................................................................................................! ! Recently, a good friend of mine passed away ... I bought a black condom to comfort his widow ... 22. One day, when Tom was driving in the street, he found his friend John crying on the roadside. . So Tom got off the bus and asked John what had happened. John pointed to the crashed car by the side of the road and said, "Look there!" " "After seeing the car, Tom comforted and said," Never mind! Buy a new car after the car is destroyed. John said, "Look in the car. Tom looked into the car and said, "Never mind! My girlfriend is dead, find a new one! " John finally said, "Look at her mouth again. . . "23. A missionary taught indigenous chiefs to speak English. In the forest, he pointed to the tree and said, "This is a tree. The chief looked at the tree and said, "Tree." A few steps later, the preacher pointed to the stone and said, "This is a stone." When the chief heard this, he said, "Stone." The missionaries became interested. At this moment, a voice came from the trees. The missionary looked over and saw a man and a woman having sex. So the preacher said, "Ride a bike." The leader watched for a while, took out his gun and shot them. The preacher shouted to the chief why he wanted to kill them in cold blood. The village chief replied, "My car. 24. A dairy farm specializes in raising cows. In order to maintain the number of cows on the farm, a male cow was raised among the cows. But after a long time, the bull got old and began to feel a little too much, so the owner of the ranch bought a new bull to maintain the number of cattle. As for the old cow, because there has been no credit or hard work in recent years, the owner continues to let it be free in the herd. One day, the owner went to inspect the pasture and saw the old cow lying on the grass panting. The rancher approached and said, you are old, so you should restrain yourself and don't do so much. Niu Yi, the husband, really said, Can't you tell the newcomers that I'm not a cow? 25. A salesman asked the judge for a compulsory divorce, and the judge asked him why. The salesman said, "I'm not at home for five days a week because of my work, so I naturally have to apologize to my wife, so I want to compensate her for the whole weekend!" " ! ! But one Saturday, when we were having sex in that squeaky bed ... suddenly! ! ..... The old lady next door knocked on the wall and shouted,' Are you finished? ! ! There are seven days in a week! ! ! Can't you take a day off? "26. The single policewoman has a beautiful single policewoman. Because she was afraid that it was too dangerous to live alone, she kept a vicious dog for self-defense. One day, when the beautiful policewoman was taking a bath, a fire broke out in the narrow apartment. The policewoman hurriedly put on a bath towel to escape from the fire, but she felt embarrassed without underwear, so the policewoman called the big dog and let the dog smell her nakedness, hoping that the dog could go back to the room and take out a pair of underwear according to her taste. The dog's nose is really good, but it is not afraid of the fire all over the sky. It turned left and right for 30 seconds, and quite quickly caught the thickest and longest baton hung by the policewoman in the wardrobe ... Ccc 27. Widow A widow has been widowed for a long time, unable to bear loneliness, and decided to get married, so she put forward the marriage conditions: 1. Don't hit her. 3. be good at this. He said, "Look, I can't hit you without hands; I can't let you have no feet; As for that ... think about what I knocked on the door just now. " 28. monkeys eat peanuts vaiovr.us ~-F fad. Before eating peanuts, monkeys must put them in their butts and take them out. Tourists don't understand. The administrator explained: Someone once fed it peaches, but the peach core could not be pulled out. The monkey is afraid. You must measure it before eating now. 29. Xiao Qiang took his cows and newborn calves to the market for sale. Unfortunately, he was robbed by a group of robbers on the road. After beating Xiao Qiang, the robbers not only stripped him naked, but also tied him to a tree and took the cow, leaving only the calf. Poor Xiao Qiang, cold and hungry, stood tied to a tree for three days and nights. Fortunately, on the fourth day, a middle-aged woman passed by and helped Xiao Qiang untie his tie. As soon as Xiao Qiang was free, he immediately picked up the stick on the ground and held the calf desperately. The middle-aged woman scolded Xiao Qiang and said, What are you doing? Abuse it? * Xiao Qiang said: * In the past three days, I kept telling this damn beast that I am not your mother, I am not your mother. . . It still keeps smoking! ! One day, a little boy walked into an adult shop and asked the clerk to bring him a condom. He put a safety condom on his head and tried to ask the clerk if there was a bigger one. The clerk asked, "What's your use?" The little boy said, "Tomorrow, yo, the kindergarten performance. I asked the teacher what I was playing? " The teacher said, "You play a crane" 3 1. When I was shopping, I suddenly felt a stomachache, so I went into the hot pot restaurant on the corner of 199 and wanted to borrow a toilet. I just couldn't find it on the first floor and ran to the second floor. The second floor is still under renovation, and there is nothing left, but I found a toilet door stuck and there is something wrong to be repaired. ! When I finished, I went downstairs and found no one there. Strangely, it's dinner time. Just now, I said downstairs at the wedding, why did you go to the building all at once? Even the waiter and receptionist were gone ... so I approached the bar and asked, "Is anyone there?" Why is there no one? At this moment, I saw a waiter coming out from under the bar and saying, "Fuck! ..... weren't you there when shit fell from the ceiling and hit the electric fan just now? You are very lucky. ......