English humorous stories

An elephant said to a mouse, "There is no doubt that you are the smallest and most useless thing I have ever seen."

"Please say that again. Let me take it off. " Said the mouse. "I will tell a flea what I know."

for me

An elephant said to a little mouse, "You are undoubtedly the smallest and most useless thing I have ever seen."

"Please say it again and let me write it down." Said the mouse. "I want to tell it to a flea I know.

A veteran often tells his past war stories to his garden.

"Once, I met a dozen enemy soldiers and arrested them alone."

"When you told me this story last year, there were six enemy soldiers. But why did you add so much this time? "

"You silly child. You were young last year, and I was afraid to scare you. "

A sad couple, while visiting the cemetery, noticed a tombstone that read: "A lawyer and an honest old man are buried here". "Look at that," said the woman. "Money is so tight that they put two in the grave."

Lawyer joke:

When a man visited the cemetery, he saw a tombstone that said, "John Kelly, a lawyer and an honest man are buried here." "How about that!" He said loudly. "They buried three people in a grave."

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These are from a book called Chaos in Court.

What people said in court, word for word, was recorded.

Now published by the publisher

Court reporter-endured the pain of staying calm

These exchanges are actually happening.

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Q: When was your date of birth?

A: July 15.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

Q: How old is your son who lives with you?

A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five. I can't remember which one.

Q: How long has he lived with you?

A: Forty-five years.

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Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he died?

Woke up that morning?

He said, "Cathy, where am I?"

Q: Why does this upset you?

My name is Susan.

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Q: How did your first marriage end?

A: Death.

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Q: You are here this morning because.

The notice I sent to your lawyer to testify?

No, this is what I wear to work.

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Q: Doctor, did you check before you performed the autopsy?

Pulse?

A: No.

Q: Did you check your blood pressure?

A: No.

Q: Did you check your breathing?

A: No.

Q: So, it's possible that when you

Start the autopsy

A: No.

Q: How can you be so sure, doctor?

Because his brain is in a jar on my desk.

Q: But is the patient still alive?

A: Yes, he may still be alive and engaged in legal work.

Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you, too.

Nice to meet you, number three.

artist

An artist asked the gallery owner if anyone was interested in his paintings at that time.

"I have good news and bad news," the boss replied. "The good news is that a gentleman asked about your job.

Wonder if it will appreciate after you die. I told him I would, and he bought all your paintings 15. "

"Great," exclaimed the artist. "What's the bad news?"

A veteran often tells his past war stories to his garden.

"Once, I met a dozen enemy soldiers and arrested them alone."

"When you told me this story last year, there were six enemy soldiers. But why did you add so much this time? "

"You silly child. You were young last year, and I was afraid to scare you.

Buy a hat

A lady went to a hat shop to buy a hat. It took her a long time to choose one because she was very picky. The shop assistant was fed up and worried that she would change her mind again, so he tried to flatter her: "Good choice, madam. You look at least ten years younger in this hat! " To his dismay, the lady immediately took off her hat and said, "I don't want a hat that looks ten years older when I take it off." Show me some more hats! "

I won't cut it all off.

Miles sometimes goes to the barber shop for a haircut during work hours. But this violates the office rules: staff must have their hair cut in their own time. One day, when Miles was in the barber shop, the office manager happened to come in for a haircut and sat next to him.

"Hello, Miles," said the manager. "I saw you get your hair cut during office hours."

"Yes, sir, I am," Myers admitted quietly. "You see, sir, it's long at work."

"Not really," said the manager at once. "Some grow up in your own time."

"Yes, sir, that's quite right." Miles replied politely, "but I won't cut all my hair off."

But the teacher cried.

Six-year-old John is spoiled. His father knows this, but his grandmother dotes on him. He hardly ever left her side. When he wants something, he either cries or loses his temper. Then on his first day at school, he left his grandmother's loving arms for the first time.

When he came home from school, his grandmother greeted him at the door.

"How's school?" She asked, "How are you? Did you cry? "

"Cry?" John asked. "No, I didn't cry, the teacher cried!"

The difference between men and women

Jock is driving on a steep, narrow and winding Scottish mountain road. A woman is driving in the opposite direction on the same road.

When they passed by, the woman leaned out of the window and shouted, "Pig! ! "

Jock immediately leaned out of the window and replied, "Bitch! ! "

They each went on their way, but when Jock turned the next corner, he ran into a pig in the middle of the road. ....

clock

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. When she stood in front of St. Peter at the gate of heaven, she saw a huge clock wall behind him.

She asked, "What are those clocks?"

St Peter replied, "Those are lying clocks. Everyone on the earth has a biological clock. Every time you lie, the hands on your clock will move. "

"Oh," said Hillary, "whose clock is that?"

"That's mother Teresa's. The hand has never moved, which shows that she has never told a lie. "

"Whose clock is that?" "That's abraham lincoln's clock. The pointer only moved twice, telling us that Abe only lied twice in his life. "

"Where is Bill's clock?" Hillary asked.

"Bill's clock is in Jesus' office. He used it as a ceiling fan. "

There is one engine left.

A 747 plane was on its way across the Atlantic when the captain's voice came from the loudspeaker: "Attention, passengers. We lost one engine, but we can definitely use the remaining three to get to London. Unfortunately, we will be one hour late. "

After a while, the passengers heard the captain's voice again. "Guess what, guys. We just lost the third engine, but please rest assured that we can fly with only one engine. We will arrive in London three hours late. "

At this point, a passenger became very angry. "For God's sake," he shouted, "if we lose another engine, we will stay here all night!"

In the morning, Mr. Smith came to the garden behind his house. Mr. Smith wants to take his car out, so he asks someone to clean the road from his garage to the gate. He said to the man, "Don't throw snow over there. It will damage the flowers in the street, or the police will come. " Then he went out.

When he came back, the road was clean. There is no snow on the flowers, walls or streets. But when he opened the garage, he saw that the garage was full of snow, snow from the road, and his car was under the snow!

A beautiful young blonde boarded a plane to Los Angeles with an economy class ticket. She looked at the seats in economy class and then at the seats in first class. Seeing that the first-class seat looked bigger and more comfortable, she walked to the last empty seat. The flight attendant checked her ticket and told the lady that her seat was economy class.

The blonde replied, "I am young, blonde and beautiful, and I will sit here until Los Angeles."

In a panic, the flight attendant went to the cockpit and told the captain about the blonde. The captain went back and told the lady that her seat was in economy class.

The blonde replied again, "I am young, blonde and beautiful, and I will sit here until Los Angeles."

The captain didn't want to cause a stir, so he returned to the cockpit to discuss the blonde with the co-pilot. The co-pilot said that he had a blonde girlfriend and that he could solve the problem. Then he came back and whispered something in the blonde's ear.

She immediately stood up, said, "Thank you very much," hugged the co-pilot and ran back to her seat in economy class. The pilot and the flight attendant, who were watching intently, asked the co-pilot what he had said to the woman.

He replied, "I just told her not to go to Los Angeles first class."

English humorous jokes:

Number one: She didn't say anything.

Mother and son are washing dishes, while father and daughter are watching TV in the room. Suddenly, there was a sound of breaking plates, and then there was silence.

The girl looked at her father and said, "It's mom." 。

"How do you know?" Her father asked.

She didn't say anything. "

Second: I have turned it over.

A woman said to her husband, "honey, look at our sheets!" It's too dirty. Do you want to wash it now? "

The man looked at the sheets, thought for a moment, and then said, "I don't think it's necessary." We can turn the sheets over. Is that all right? "

Li Lian, who is in her forties, had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital for emergency treatment. The conditions are so bad that Li Lian feels that she is going to die.

During the rescue, Li Lianhua suddenly heard the voice of God: "You won't die, you can still live for 45 years, 6 months and 02 days, and you have the courage to live!"

Of course, the result is the resurrection of the Li Lianhua miracle. After physical recovery, Li Lianhua felt that she could live for more than 40 years, so she couldn't wait to be discharged from the hospital. First, she had a facial repair, then a lip repair, then a breast augmentation, and finally a thin abdomen. She went through four cosmetic operations in a row, and then she called a professional hair stylist for home service, changed her hair stylist, and made a trendy hairstyle. The whole body looked several years younger.

After the last refreshing operation, Li Lianhua happily went through the discharge formalities, but unexpectedly she was in danger of being killed in a car accident at the door.

Last day, Li Lian angrily asked God, "Since you said I have 45 years to live, you shouldn't eat words."

God shrugged his shoulders in embarrassment. Answer: "I'm really sorry, at that time, when the car hit you." ... I didn't recognize you. "

Here are some English jokes, you can have a look:

/loveu/Article/English/yyxx/200508/22000 . html

British humour

Pun intended:) ~

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Teacher: Why are you late every morning?

Tom: Every time I pass the corner near the school, I see a sign that says "School-Go Slow".

Teacher: Why are you late every morning?

Tom: Every time I pass the corner of the school, I see a sign that says "School-Go Slow".

Do you know my job?

One night, a hotel caught fire and the people living in it ran out in their pajamas.

Two men stood outside watching the fire.

"Before I came out," said one, "I ran into some rooms and found a lot of money. People don't think about money when they are afraid. When anyone leaves paper money in the fire, the fire will burn it. So I took all the money I could find. No one will become poorer because I took them. "

"You don't know my job," said another.

"What's your job?"

"I am a policeman.

"Oh!" The first man shouted. He had a brainwave and said, "Do you know what I do?" "No," said the policeman.

"I am a writer. I always talk about things that have never happened. "

Translation: (simple translation by yourself)

Do you know what I do?

One night, a hotel caught fire, and the people living in this hotel ran out in their pajamas.

Two men stood outside, watching the fire.

"Before I came out," one of them said, "I ran into some rooms and found a lot of money. People don't think about money in fear. If someone leaves paper money in the fire, the fire will burn it to ashes. So I took all the money I could find. No one will become poorer because I took them. "

"You don't know what I do." Another said.

"What do you do?"

"I am a policeman."

"Oh!" The first man gave a cry. He had a brainwave and said, "Do you know what I do?" I don't know. The police said.

"I am a writer. I always like to make up stories that have never happened. "

Who is the laziest?

Father: Jack, I talked to your teacher today. Now I want to ask you a question. Who is the laziest person in your class?

Jack: I don't know, Dad.

Father: Oh, think about it! When other boys and girls are reading and writing, who sits quietly and only watches how others write?

Jack: Our teacher, Dad.

For more information, please click on the resource link.

thank you

References:

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