Northeast local jokes

1. Geography tells us that Fushun in Liaoning Province produces the most coal and Anshan in Liaoning Province produces the most iron, so Fushun is called the "coal capital" of China and Anshan is called the "iron capital". In an exam, the paper showed that the coal in China was (black) and the iron in China was (hard). After the exam, he also said: How did the teacher come up with such a simple question?

4. Chinese exam. Explain the word "death". I replied, "Go to hell" (I want to write "die"), and the teacher was furious. ...

5. In primary school, a classmate recited poems, and the first three sentences were difficult to recite. The last sentence: "A line of egrets went west." Dizzy in class!

6. For the first Chinese exam, fill in the following sentence, "How to cut candles at the west window together". I replied, "husband and wife sit until dawn." Correct answer: "Late rain time".

7. In a Chinese exam, the poem "Fill in the blanks" in Bai Juyi's "Peach Blossom in Dalin Temple" is a sentence "(), and the correct solution should be" I always hate having nowhere to find a spring home ". One of my classmates in the front row suddenly filled in "I always hate that village girls have nowhere to find".

8. In the biology exam, I asked what is a cell map, and the correct answer was "female fruit fly". A person in my class answered "female fruit fly". The biology teacher held a meeting to study n for half a day and decided to give 0 points.

9. In high school, I also filled in the next sentence of the poem. The last sentence is: "Luoyang relatives and friends ask each other"; One of my classmates filled in: "Just say I'm in Yueyang Tower".

10, a high school Chinese exam, also filled in the following sentence: "Mayflies shake trees, ()". One of my classmates wrote: Don't move. Is in line with the facts.

1 1, high school, biology exam, Q: What is the digestive type of chicken? I won't. A: Chicken type! As a result, the teacher criticized the whole class by name!

12, the last sentence is: "Egrets fly in front of Mount Cisse", and students can't hold back for a long time, so they scribble: "Climb a black turtle by the East Village"!

13, high school Chinese exam, write down an ancient poem. The last sentence is: "When the mountain blossoms", one person in our class actually filled in: I will try my best to pick flowers.

14, junior high school Chinese exam, the title asks the name of Mr. Lao She's masterpiece. A classmate couldn't remember, so I told him: teahouse. As a result, the man heard it: teapot lid. Be scolded by the teacher!

15, students use it to read the text, one of which is: take out the banana fan. The original pause should be to take out a banana fan and fan it. That classmate read directly: Fan Fan, take out the bananas!

16, when I was in junior high school, I read Dou E's justice as "selling" E's justice. The whole class laughed. Don't know why!

18, Mao Zedong's "Yongmei" is being taught in Chinese class in senior high school, so you need to recite it for self-study in the morning. The teacher ordered someone to answer: "-she is laughing in the bushes, XX answers!" " XX was eating and couldn't speak for a long time. He just said, "Laugh, don't make any noise!" " The whole class laughed!

19, the exam says: "I was born useful". A gifted student replied, "The mouse son can make holes." The Chinese teachers in our whole office collectively laughed without image!

20. English test: How are you? Translate like this? The answer is-how are you? How old are you? How to translate? The answer-why is it always you?

2 1. Question: If an international student from China witnessed a traffic accident in California, USA, and asked if you knew what happened, what should you tell him? A man replied: a car came, a car left, two cars Pumbaa, and a car died.

Mr b wants to describe a person's appearance in his composition. Unable to say a word, he asked his deskmate in a low voice, "How to write the word' pair' for a pair of glasses?"

The deskmate told him, "It's just a pair of checkers."

After reviewing Mr. B's composition, the teacher saw that it said, "He has a pair of checkers on his high nose."

Thirteen classic short jokes

The first one:

A primary school student participated in the school recitation competition for the first time and was particularly nervous. The teacher encouraged him for a long time, but his palms were still sweating. end

It is her turn.

Pupils gritted their teeth and walked a few steps to the center of the stage: "Teachers and classmates, the topic I recited is: Red leaves are crazy (maple leaves)."

..... (Maple leaves are red) \ "

~~ #￥** ......

The second one:

As a primary school student, I am particularly envious when I see my classmates who are assigned to read the composition by the teacher. I always hoped that the teacher would let me read it.

. The opportunity has finally come.

"So-and-so, read your composition to everyone! \"

Pupils suddenly stood up: "My teacher". Teacher, I am more like your mother ... ":(

The third one:

This time, I am the host of a song and dance troupe, and I am not proficient in learning.

At a performance, I hurried on stage without being ready.

The performance takes turns. It was her turn to announce the curtain call: "Audience friends, let's listen to Du Zi flute ..." (Note: \ "Du Zi \" is a northeast dialect.

There is a curse)

The audience threw out a piece of #-

The fourth one:

My family often plants green onions in pots in winter to keep them fresh and tender.

My sister came home for the New Year and saw it. She said happily to my mother, "Hey! Mom, it's very thick. It's really onion ... "

My mother and I both laughed.

The fifth one:

There is a neighbor named "Auntie" who goes to work by bike every day.

I met her at the door early in the morning. I smiled and said politely, "Grandma, Daban ..."

Bah! ..... I want to bite off my tongue.

The sixth one:

One day, classmate Anonymous felt sorry for himself and suddenly turned to the person behind him and said, "Is my chest hair good?" \"

He was startled and said, "Oh, I want to ask if my eyebrows are fierce. \"

Seventh:

When I was a primary school student, I made a resolution at the general meeting of the whole school: "We should learn from the revolutionary spirit of the Red Army in climbing snow-capped mountains and crossing grasslands.

.....\"

Since then, he has been deprived of his right to political speech for life.

Eighth:

When I was a child, my father told me that there was a text about Liu Hulan in the Chinese book. Liu Hulan took the initiative to admit to the Japanese, she came.

When saving the life of the whole village, an old man stepped forward to save her. The line is: "Alley, are you crazy?" ! "But in the text.

During the Great Revolution, a poor rural child read aloud: "Little madman, do you smell good?" \" ! \"

The ninth time:

In high school, the teacher asked me to read the text at the same table. This girl has always been famous for her lively reading, and she was still holding a textbook that day.

A cadence reading:

..... He clung to the sentry in the snowstorm, clutching a steel gun in his hand ...

What we hear is that .....

..... He stood guard in the snowstorm, holding a pen tightly in his hand. ......

..... There was silence in the class, the teacher fell down with laughter, and then the classmates fell down. ....

Tenth:

Everybody stand up! Play the national flag and raise the national anthem. ...

Eleventh:

I take my son to feed the ducks. He sprinkled bread crumbs on the ducks while chasing them around, and I chased them with his apples.

He (he doesn't like to eat, so I can only give him a bite when he is distracted). He kept running and I kept shouting.

He: "Come and eat an apple and chase the duck!" " I kept repeating this sentence and finally shouted it out: "Come and have a bite of duck.

son ................................................................................................................................................................................

Twelfth:

I remember when I was in primary school, there was a text called Waterfall. In the middle, it is said that the author climbed a mountain and saw a waterfall hanging in it.

When one of my female classmates was reading aloud, she also read aloud with emotion: I was shocked when I climbed over this mountain, and there was a rag hanging on it.

On the mountain. . .

The whole class was stunned.

Thirteenth:

There is also a passage from a Russian writer's novel: all the houses here are lords (referring to the rich)

Ours.

As a result, one of my male classmates read aloud: All the houses here belong to old men. As soon as the voice fell, our Chinese teacher became suspicious.

I asked him doubtfully: Where do the old ladies live?

I am a donkey

Many people in the street are buying "welfare lottery tickets", which are printed on the spot.

The winner is an animal pattern. The bigger the animal on the design, the bigger the reward.

The bigger the product, the more expensive the prize.

After someone opened one carefully, he couldn't help crying when he saw that he had won the first prize.

"I am a donkey! I am a donkey! !

A man next to him repeatedly chanted and said angrily, "What are you yelling at? As long as it is an animal,

There is a prize! "

Make one's last wish

Judge: "You are about to be shot. What is your last wish? "

Prisoner: "I hope to wear bulletproof vest."

Fly too low

On the highway, a driver galloped by and was caught by the traffic police.

The driver asked, "Is it because I am driving too fast?"

The policeman replied, "No, you flew too low."

Boxers and long-distance runners

A famous boxer took off his coat at dinner, afraid that someone would steal it, found a piece of paper and tied it on his coat, and wrote, "This coat belongs to Mr. Brown, the boxer. He will be back soon! " "

When I came back, my coat was gone, and a note said, "Your coat was taken away by a famous long-distance runner, and he will never come back."

superstructure

In the political class, Serena is reading "Building Budget".

Teacher: "Serena, why do you say that the economic base determines the superstructure?"

Serena: "Can you give me an example?"

Teacher: "Yes."

Serena: "Our school dormitory was originally planned to build 17 floor, but due to lack of funds, it was rebuilt to 15 floor, so the economic base decided the superstructure."

Two loving corn kernels decided to get married, but there was no bride at the wedding. The groom asked a popcorn that he always carried with him. Popcorn said shyly, bah, people are wearing wedding dresses!

One day, you meet a lion, pretend to be calm and stare at the lion with terrible eyes. Suddenly, the lion folded his hands and knelt down. You said proudly, you know it's great! Later, the lion faint tunnel: after praying, you can eat.

A patient with indigestion complained to the doctor: I have been abnormal recently. Pull whatever you eat, eat cucumber and pull watermelon, how to return to normal? The doctor is silent for a moment, then you can only eat shit.

Spiders and bees are getting married.

The spider was very dissatisfied and asked her mother, "Why should I marry a bee?"

Mother spider said, "bees are a little noisy, but at least they are stewardesses."

The spider said, "But I prefer mosquitoes ..."

Mother Spider said, "Don't think about that nurse any more. I can't inject well. The last time I let my mother edema ... "

The bee was also very dissatisfied and asked her mother, "Why should I marry a spider?"

Mother bee said, "Spiders are ugly, but people also engage in the Internet."

The bee said, "But people love ants more ..."

Mother bee said, "don't mention that skinny foreman again." He runs with things all day and doesn't even have a van. "

The bee said, "Brother Fei in the next village is not bad, is he?"

Mother bee said, "He is handsome, but he can't marry a dung picker ..."

The blind man stuttered when riding a bike, stuttering to see the road, and suddenly saw a deep ditch, stuttering and exclaiming: ditch! ! ! The blind man sang back, "Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!" " "So they fell into the ditch.

Part One: Recalling the past, my wife, a group of children, Redmi, pumpkin soup. Part two: Look at today's white rice and turtle soup. One son, one wife and one group. Horizontal batch: keep pace with the times