In order not to make others laugh, we all become a joke

I watched "The Great Protector", which is known as the movie of the year, with the guidance of a friend. Everyone has their own feelings about the movie, and what impressed me the most was one of the lines:

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Countless troubles in life come from society and others’ expectations and evaluations of us. They often use the name of "love" to dominate and control.

Yes, from the time we were born, we have been dominated and controlled by others all the time. We live in other people’s opinions of us, use other people’s expectations to demand ourselves, disguise ourselves, and finally become People in sleeves.

Perhaps infancy is the only time when we have control. We use "vulnerability" to dominate our parents, and we use crying to get food and attention. Parents or others will respond immediately to our needs.

In early childhood, parents began to use "danger" to control us, telling us to stay away from this and not touch that.

Some people liken the difference between Chinese and American education. American parents "give their children the key to the door," while Chinese parents "open the door for their children."

However, opening the door for a child is a kind of interference and depriving the child of the subject. Moreover, repeated interference will result in children learning nothing and eventually losing the courage to face life's issues.

The interaction between parents and children in early childhood will affect the child's attitude and way of treating the world in the future. Children who have not learned to face difficulties will eventually want to avoid all difficulties.

The situation is even worse at school age, where we find teachers and parents gradually joining forces to force us to do things we don’t want to do, such as homework. Once they try to avoid homework, the most terrible thing happens. They try to use another kind of control-punishment to solve the problems caused by control.

When we reach adolescence, our elders strictly prohibit us from falling in love, and many of us have lost the ability to love. The impulse of hormones makes us want to get out of control. There is no rebellious period. Absolute obedience to parents is filial piety, and developing according to one's own plan is rebellion.

As Lu Xun said:

Everyone around us: family, friends, teachers, classmates and colleagues are telling us that we cannot act in a unique way, and it is impossible for others to exist. , whether passive or active, we are like sheep, going with the flow.

Everyone repeats the same tragic life using the same script, and the same drama is performed in the preset script.

Every stage of life: school, work, marriage and childbirth, are all under the control of others.

They don’t allow us to have our own interests and read leisurely books. We can only be educated all the way to exams - trapped in useless knowledge and unable to understand society and life.

The ultimate goal of education is to help everyone become self-reliant, but our education runs counter to this direction to a certain extent and becomes a tool for others to interfere with us. We were originally children with unlimited development possibilities, but we were trained by the unified syllabus, unified examinations, and unified teaching materials to become peanuts carved from the same mold.

Everyone’s personality and potential are different. They are all unique and unique. Cultivating independent thinking and judgment is the main goal of education, because that is what enables a person to understand himself. Therefore, it becomes a prerequisite for oneself. Only in this way can students be helped to find themselves, discover themselves, achieve self-reliance, and achieve themselves.

When we were young, we were indeed inseparable from our parents and needed their protection, but as we grow up, we must learn to be independent. When we want to leave our parents, they don't want to admit the reality of separation, mostly don't let you out, and interpret us according to their own requirements and expectations.

Let you stay with them, let you stay in the small city of your hometown, continue to control the rest of your life, let you take the public examination for career editor, let you not work in marketing positions, but do easy administrative personnel and finance ——Trapped in short-term knowledge and do not understand marketing and making money.

This article does not mean to belittle positions such as career editors - as long as you know what you want, rather than being influenced by other people's expectations. If what you really need in your heart is stability, then this is the best choice for you.

One of my female classmates went home as soon as she graduated because she needed to be with her parents. When a girl in China grows up, a large part of her needs come from outside and are controlled and demanded by the interpersonal system she is in at that time.

When a girl is dating you, she might say, "It's too late, I have to go home." Does she really want to go home? Not necessarily, it may just be because her anti-slut mechanism was stimulated, because of the constraints imposed on her by her family education or social culture. What a person needs is not necessarily her own needs.

What is she living for all her life? She needs to redeem and liberate herself.

She was under the control of the interpersonal system all the time. After graduation, she left school and new pressure was put on her. She might be thinking: I need to get married. But does she really need to get married? Maybe, maybe not. Maybe it was just that everyone was forcing her to get married and she gave in.

But is it useful? After getting married, it’s time to have children, take care of the children, educate the children, and force the children to attend “interest classes”...it’s never-ending.

Everyone is urging you to get married and have children, leaving you with no time or money to work hard - trapped in the worries of looking forward and backward, not daring to work hard, and can only work part-time.

If you don’t understand society and life, don’t understand marketing and making money, and don’t dare to fight hard, you will end up being a slave forever and never be reincarnated.

So you take over the script from your parents and try to pin your own hopes by controlling your child's life.

What you need to understand is: the script of your life is not a sequel to your parents, not a prequel to your children, and not a sequel to your friends.

Why do we all live so tiredly?

**Because we have never lived, never truly lived for ourselves.

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Only by escaping from the dominance and control of others can you live a lighter life. We have been manipulated by society, environment and others for too long, and have long lost ourselves. We need freedom and self-reliance.

We will change our behavior according to the social environment. You are hardworking and quiet in the classroom; you are cheerful and friendly in front of your friends; you are serious and responsible at work. ;

We have countless social roles: children, students, friends, citizens, etc. We act according to social roles because we expect to be recognized by others. Under the constraints of others' evaluation, we learn to hide our true selves, do the behaviors expected by others, and fall into self-expression.

As introverts, we appear to be eloquent when we get together, but inside we are exhausted. We become so adept at self-expression that in the process of meeting other people's expectations, we have lost sight of our true selves.

If someone comments on you: "You are annoying!", it only means that he sees you in that way, and will not reduce your value or change your nature because of his views or evaluations. So you don't have to be heartbroken about it.

Similarly, if someone praises you: "You are a good person." You don't have to be happy, because his evaluation also cannot determine your value, nor can it change your essence.

Throughout the ages, how many artists have not received recognition during their lifetimes, but even if they have not received social recognition, it does not mean that they have no value.

If you are a true artist, you will never worry about gain or loss because of other people's evaluation, nor will you paint for the approval of others. Even if he paints for the approval of others, because he paints to cater to others, such paintings can no longer be counted as his own work. Even if they don't win anyone's approval, a true artist knows the value of his or her work.

Get rid of the haze of other people’s expectations. What you need to understand is:

An old man is recuperating in a small village, but there are some very naughty children living nearby. They chase each other and fight with each other every day. The noise makes the old man unable to take good care of himself. After resting, after repeated attempts, the old man came up with a way.

He called the children together and told them whoever screamed louder would get more rewards. He gave different rewards each time according to the noise of the children.

When the children became accustomed to receiving rewards, the old man began to gradually reduce the rewards given. In the end, no matter how noisy the children were, the old man would not give a penny.

As a result, the children felt that the treatment they received was becoming more and more unfair. They thought, "Who will bark at you if you don't pay me?" and they no longer made loud noises near the house where the elderly lived.

Self-determination theory believes that all people, including children, have three basic psychological needs: a sense of belonging (relatedness), a sense of autonomy (autonomy), and a sense of competence (competence). If the three psychological needs are satisfied, the formation of intrinsic motivation can be promoted.

People's motivations for behavior can be divided into internal and external motivations. From left to right, internal motivation becomes stronger and stronger, while from right to left, external control becomes more and more important.

Getting people to do something by paying external stimulating rewards often converts their original intrinsic motivation into extrinsic motivation. The old man finally eliminates the extrinsic motivation by stopping paying. . When the children have no motive, they stop making trouble.

We have been stimulated by external rewards and punishments from family, school, and company since childhood. We have always been driven by fame and fortune, doing things for external motivations, and have long lost intrinsic motivations. Even if you encounter something you really like, you can no longer tell whether you really like it or if you like it driven by fame and fortune.

For example, if you like painting, if you are pursuing "status" and "fame", these external results, rather than enjoying the pleasure and inner satisfaction of creation. This is not true liking. Real liking comes from intrinsic motivation and a sense of belonging, autonomy and competence.

So how can you find the things you really like that are driven by inner motivation?

We need to find a sense of belonging, autonomy and competence. If these needs are met, we will be active, productive, and happy; but if these needs are hindered, our motivation, productivity, and happiness will plummet.

You need to find things that bring a sense of belonging, feeling loved, respected and accepted. Imagine that when you were studying as a child, if your parents only loved you if you had good academic performance, and you were rejected by them if you did not do well, would you still be interested in studying?

Under the control of society and others, you have formed a distorted outlook on work and life. You do things you don’t like to do, pursue things you don’t want, and are thought to be something you hate. A person who is engaged in a good job in the eyes of others and spends his life with a person he does not like for the sake of material and stability.

If you do not accept this concept, you will become an alien in society. If you accept this set of divisive logic, it will bring endless troubles to your life. Living like this day after day, my heart is tortured by pain and confusion all the time. Ever since, depression, anxiety and mania have become a disease of the times.

Our nature is to be autonomous and prone to self-management. The so-called autonomy means that I decide what I do. We need to gradually reduce the proportion of external motivations, abandon those results-oriented and fame-oriented things, stay away from boring social entertainment, and stick to some hobbies that have nothing to do with interests. Become a self-determined, internally driven person.

At work, we insist on being driven by fame and fortune, but in life, we insist on being driven by interests; we live for our jobs during the day and live for our interests at night. If this continues in the long run, it will only mean nothing.

You need to feel that you can do it, satisfy your sense of competence, and pursue expertise. Only investment can bring about expertise, and then do something important better and better. Specialization allows people to enter a state of "flow". Psychologists define flow as a feeling of fully focusing one's mental energy on a certain activity; when flow occurs, there will be a high degree of excitement and fulfillment at the same time. In flow, what a person needs to do matches his or her abilities perfectly.

Specialization is a psychological orientation.

You need to think of intelligence as something that can be improved and needs to be developed by you, rather than something that cannot be improved and needs to be proven; if you value learning goals (being able to speak English) more than performance goals (passing College English Level 4); then, You will pursue specialization.

Specialization requires us to have a growth mindset.

In the book "Mindset: How can we learn to fulfill our potential" by Stanford psychology professor Carol Dweck, people are divided into two types: growth mindset (growth mindset) and rigidity. Thinking (fixed mindset).

Some of our basic beliefs about ourselves shape a completely different psychological world for us, which profoundly affects our behavior.

Whether you realize it or not. What she calls mindset refers to our basic views on whether intelligence, ability, and personality can be changed. In her view, there are generally two mental models - fixed and growing.

She summarized these two mental frameworks in 3 key points:

This diagram clearly distinguishes the different behavioral manifestations of the two minds.

People with a fixed mentality only pursue success and often do not get it. People with a growth mindset focus on growth and continuous progress, and success is just an accessory on the road to growth.

We must abandon the fixed mind and look at ourselves with a growth mind.

The counterpart of a fixed mind is self-acceptance, while the counterpart of a growth mind is self-acceptance.

For example, if you get 60 points in the exam, if you say to yourself, "This time it's just bad luck, the real you can get 100 points", this is self-affirmation; on the contrary, if you accept it honestly, Based on the 60-point self, think hard about "how to get closer to 100 points." This is self-acceptance.

Someone once said:

Since Freud, many psychologists believe that people are the product of past experiences, especially childhood experiences. Who you are now is determined by your past. They believe that through self-reflection and psychological testing, they can better discover their true selves and ultimately find what suits them. Once you find your true self, all that's left is action.

The research of Stanford University psychologist Hazel Markus proposed a new concept: "Possible Selves". What is a possible self? It’s what you hope for, expect, and fear about yourself. He believed that the possible selves are three selves: the hoped-for self, the anticipated self, and the feared self.

The "real self" is rooted in the past;

The "possible self" is based on the present and the future.

Adler, the founder of individual psychology, also believed that what determines ourselves is not the past itself, but the meaning we give to the past. This directly determines our lives. Life is not given by others, but chosen by oneself. It is oneself who chooses how to live.

So there is no need to look for the true self, because you will never find the answer. The true self does not exist. All you need to think about is the possible self, that is, what to do in the future.