Give me some jokes,

One night, the husband wanted to make out with his wife, and the wife pointed to the sleeping child beside him and said, "The child is awake."

The husband said, "I must have fallen asleep after all this time." If you don't believe me, try. "

He took a nickel and put it in the child's half-open hand to see if the child responded.

I only heard the unhappy voice of the child: "Do you want to do such a big thing for fifty cents?"

homosexuality

Four middle-aged women play mahjong and talk about their sons.

My son made a lot of money selling yachts, and recently gave one to his friend!

I heard that my son's car agency is good, so I gave one to his friend!

C: My son is also very profitable in real estate. He gave a house to his friends!

D: As you know, my son is gay. I don't know how lucky he is recently. Someone gave him a yacht, a car and a house.

The derailed man and woman were having fun at a woman's house when suddenly there came the sound of the key opening the door.

"Not good! My husband is back! " Hearing this, the man tried to run and was caught by a woman. "It's too late, listen to me!" The woman grabbed a bottle of baby oil and smeared it all over the man to make him pose. My husband came in and saw it at a glance. He was surprised: what is this? The woman is very calm: Oh, my new human body sculpture.

Husband: When did you like this thing?

Woman: I went to my neighbor's house last month and saw one in their bedroom, so I bought the same one.

The husband then stopped asking.

At noon the next day, the husband took a piece of bread into the bedroom while his wife was away and said to the statue, "Brother, please don't be in the neighbor's house like me." I have been hungry for three days and three nights ... "

A couple snuggled up sweetly in the park. Men can't help sneaking around when they see that women's hair is so supple. The woman said coily, "Alas! Hate! " [advertisement]

The man's heart itched even more and stole it again. The woman said, "Well, no!" " "

Hearing this, the man's heart was about to fly, and he touched it again. Suddenly, the woman stood up and said rudely, "don't touch it!" My wig is falling off! ! ! "

Early in the morning, seeing my husband's pale face, I asked with concern, "What's the matter, are you uncomfortable?"

"I had a dream last night: sleepwalking in Italy and tasting Italian spaghetti."

"What's so disturbing about this?" I said.

"When I got up today, I found that the belt of my pajamas was gone."

When a plane arrived at an airport, the flight attendant on board immediately handed a suspicious jar to the air traffic police. The traffic police opened it and saw that it was a powdery substance, so they licked it a little.

"I don't know what it is, not sugar or drugs." Just as they were wondering, an old lady came running in a panic: "A jar I took with me on the plane is missing. Did you see it? " It contains my husband's ashes! "

In the bar, a sexy beauty sat down at the bar and made a provocative gesture.

The bartender came over and asked her what she wanted. She hooked her index finger and motioned for the bartender to approach her. Then she held the bartender's face in her hand and said in a sexy voice, "Are you the manager here?"

"No." The bartender replied.

The beauty put her hand into the bartender's hair and asked, "Then can you call the manager for me?"

"I'm afraid not!" The bartender said, "What can I do for you?"

The beauty put her finger on the bartender's lips, and the bartender began to suck her finger gently.

After smoking all ten fingers, the beauty continued, "Then please help me tell your manager that the toilet paper in the ladies' room is used up. "

Henry's wife always complains that Henry can't make money and let her live a comfortable life.

One night, after watching TV, Henry was ready to go to bed. His wife was taking off his coat and ordered him to close the curtains quickly. How embarrassing it will be for others to see it! "

Henry replied, "It doesn't matter. If other men see you, he will close his own curtains. "

On the bus, a pregnant woman stood next to a man, trying to get him out of the way. She said, "Don't you know I'm pregnant?" I saw that man was very nervous and said, "But the child is not mine!" "

It is said that once Zhuge Liang, Liu Bei, Sun Quan and Cao Cao were flying together, and they suddenly encountered an emergency and needed to parachute to escape. Only then did I find that there were only three parachute bags left on the plane. Everyone is nervous. At this time, Zhuge Liang shook his feather fan, cleared his throat and said, "Well, the mountain man will jump if he answers a few questions, or jump himself if he can't answer them." Others have no choice but to agree.

Zhuge Liang shook the feather fan again and asked Liu Bei, "How many suns are there in the sky?" Liu Bei thought it was very simple. He answered "one" and took an umbrella bag. Zhuge Liang asked Sun Quan again, "How many moons are there in the sky?" Sun Quan replied, "One" and went down with an umbrella bag. Finally, it was Cao Cao's turn. Zhuge Liang asked, "How many stars are there in the sky?" Cao Zheng was puzzled and had to jump down by himself. Unexpectedly, he jumped into the sea to save his life. Cao Cao secretly rejoiced.

The second time, when four people met an emergency by plane, they still discussed it in the old way. Zhuge Liang shook the feather fan again and asked Liu Bei, "Which battle did Zhou Wuwang defeat the crepe king?" Liu Bei thought it was simple, and Zhuge Liang nodded in response to the "Makino War", so Liu Bei took an umbrella bag and went down. Zhuge Liang asked Sun Quan again, "How many people died in that battle?" Sun Quan thought for a moment and said, "About 30,000 to 40,000." Zhuge nodded, and Sun Quan took an umbrella bag and went down. Cao Cao couldn't help laughing and thinking, "Zhuge Liang, Zhuge Liang, I am a man who knows everything from ancient times to the present, especially the military." This time, you fell in one session! Hehe. " Zhuge Liang asked, "What are their names?" Cao Cao almost fainted and had to jump by himself. Unexpectedly, he jumped into the sea to save his life. Cao Cao laughed to himself, "Lao tze is really deadly. Old Zhuge, what can you do with me? " ? ! "

The third time, the same four people flew, and the plane encountered an emergency. Cao Cao thought about it, and Zhuge tried to fool me again, so I jumped myself to avoid being insulted. So I jumped into the air at high speed. I only heard Zhuge Liang's laughter from above. "Cao Cao, you are so smart, haha, there are four parachutes on the plane today!" "

Today, I was greedy, so I went to the supermarket and bought a Dove chocolate.

Go home, tear off the package, bite off a piece of chocolate, and then throw the rest into the trash can with the packaging bag.

Think about it wrong, and turn it out of the garbage basket to continue eating. ....

Bin Laden said: China is the only country in the world that cannot be provoked! The reason is this: Al Qaeda sent seven terrorists to attack China. Results: One person fainted on the bridge when the Xizhimen overpass in Beijing was bombed. A person didn't get on the bus when he bombed; When a person was bombing a supermarket, the bomb remote control was stolen; A man was beaten by the security guard when he bombed the government building: "I told you to ask for a salary and petition." A man successfully blew up the mine, killing hundreds of people. After sneaking back to the base, he didn't see any news reports for half a year, so he was executed by Al Qaeda for "lying". A man once tried to bomb Guangzhou, but as soon as he got out of the train station, he was robbed by Yeyi and never recovered for a long time. Recently, she sent a female terrorist to bomb Henan and was cheated into a wife! ! Al Qaeda decided to train a China-based terrorist to attack China at an early age. I didn't expect the baby to be born soon. Killed by Sanlu.

Two cows came to a new grassland to eat grass! ~

Cow A asks Cow B who eats grass first, and what is the smell of grass?

Niu B said it was strawberry! ~

So cow A began to eat grass happily. After a few bites,

I asked Niu B angrily, "You lied to me. Isn't that grass tasteless? "

At this time, Niu B said, "Yes, I said' grass has no taste'!"

A woman was walking at night when she suddenly saw a man coming towards her with open arms and hugging her. The man fell to the ground crying and said, this is the third piece. It's hard for me to bring a piece of glass home.

The tortoise is an alcoholic. One day, he was drunk. A friend asked, how can you get drunk? The tortoise replied, Alas, the octopus's grandson is going to fight me. Damn, he can't see with so many hands. What a terrible loss!

Ge You goes to the bathroom.

On one occasion, Ge You invited a friend to dinner and went to the toilet on the way. His trousers were wet when he came back.

Friend: Why are your pants wet?

Ge You: It has been like this ever since I became famous.

Friend: Often?

Ge You: Yes! It is often that the people next to him suddenly turn around and shout, "Isn't this Ge You?"

1 When I was a child, I played TV series Hunt and Rogue Tycoon. An old woman in the yard said, "Chasing the Fugitive is on tonight." . . . . . .

An unfamiliar colleague chatted with me, and the content of the chat was extremely boring. What happened to him and his girlfriend? What happened?

I'm speechless. After he talked for a long time, look at me. This may mean that I should always express my position. For a moment, I really don't know what to say. I blurted out: Is your girlfriend a woman?

I have had a cold for a long time! ! ! !

When the junior high school teacher talked about the ancient Babylonian civilization, he talked about the Sumerians. When the history teacher was excited, he said, "There are Shur beauties in the two rivers", and more than half of them smiled on the spot.

4 buy a pot helmet to eat together, a man comes forward: boss, two helmets!

Good teeth, good appetite and delicious food. . . )

In high school, there was a classmate named Huang Jiajian. One day, he didn't come to the old class. When he entered the classroom, his seat was empty and he asked, Hey, where's Huang Jiajian? After the whole class laughed, they all called him Huang Gupo.

In the past, the teacher handed out papers, and the girls at the back took one more and shouted "Teacher, I have it, I have it". As a result, the boy sitting next to me said, "It's mine, it's mine", and the whole class was shocked ~ ~ ~

I worked in a factory two years ago. One day, my master and I (actually older than me 1 year) went to the factory to handle affairs. The material engineer is a big sister named Dong, in her forties. After that, the host was very polite and wanted to say, "Sister Dong, you go." The result is: "I see."

My friend's child is half a year old, so I called to care. After a few commonplaces, he came up with a sentence: Does your child eat human milk or your milk now?

10 One evening, I met an acquaintance and said, "Good morning." ...

Today is April Fool's Day.

On April 1 day, just in time for the exam, the teacher found a student handing in a note and asked him to hand it in.

Teacher: Bring me the note.

Student: Teacher, I advise you not to look.

Teacher: Cut the crap! I just want to have a look. Bring me the note.

The student took the note to the teacher, and the teacher opened the note, which said, "I told you not to look, idiot!" " "

Composition "Thirty Years Later"

The composition teacher gave a composition class in the fifth grade class and assigned a composition topic "I after 30 years"

Xiaomei, a girl in the class, wrote: The weather is good today. I drove the Rolls Royce that my husband gave me for our wedding anniversary, wearing the three-carat diamond ring that he just bought me and the ruby necklace that I got on my birthday last month, and took my children to the Great Forest Park to play. We wandered in colorful parks, and people everywhere envied us. Suddenly, a smelly, filthy and homeless old lady rushed out of the road. I looked at it carefully. "Oh, my God! She turned out to be my fifth-grade composition teacher! "

Teacher's comment: I can only stand in class this week.

1)

A patient came to see a psychiatrist.

Patient: I always thought I was a bird.

Doctor: Oh, that's serious. When did it start?

Patient: Because I am a bird.

(2)

A doctor in a mental hospital asked the patient, What would you do if I cut off one of your ears?

The patient replied, then I can't hear you.

The doctor listened: mm-hmm. It is normal.

The doctor asked again, what will happen to you if I cut off your other ear again?

The patient replied, then I won't watch it.

The doctor is getting nervous. How could he not see it?

The patient replied: because the glasses will fall off.

(3)

There are two mental patients. They escaped from the hospital.

They run and run. They climbed a tree.

One of them jumped from the tree.

Go away, go away.

Then he looked up and said to the man above, hey-why don't you come down?

The man above answered him: no-good-ah-

I'm not familiar with it.

(4)

There is an old lady in a mental hospital.

Wear black clothes and hold a black umbrella every day.

Squatting in front of a mental hospital.

The doctor thought: to cure her, we must start from understanding her.

So the doctor was dressed in black, took a black umbrella and squatted there with her.

The two spent a month in silence.

The old lady finally spoke to the doctor:

Excuse me-

Are you a mushroom, too

(5)

A mental hospital heard that the leader would come to the hospital to inspect the situation, so the dean called a meeting of patients in the hospital at the meeting, and the dean

The sermon said: "this afternoon, there are very important leaders coming to visit, and everyone should go to the door to meet them." When welcoming them,

Wait, all the patients are standing on both sides of the hospital gate, and they should stand neatly. As soon as I cough, everyone applauds together, and the more enthusiastic, the more.

Good; When I stamp my foot, I have to stop completely. I can't make mistakes. If everyone is ready, I can give it to you tonight

Eating meat buns, as long as one person screws up, everyone has no buns to eat, remember? "The audience patients shouted together.

"Remember!"

This afternoon, the leader arrived on time. When he stepped into the gate, the popular patient was already standing at the door.

The dean coughed and all the patients applauded together. The atmosphere is very warm. The visiting leaders were warmly welcomed.

Infected, smiling, everyone applauded and walked into the hospital. Seeing that the leader had entered the hospital, the dean stamped his feet and all his palms.

The sound stopped, very neat. Only the leader is still smiling and clapping, and the dean is very satisfied.

Suddenly, a patient as strong as Schwarzenegger jumped out of the welcome crowd, strode to the leader and turned around.

Gave him a big slap in the face and shouted angrily-"You don't want to eat steamed bread? ! ! ! "

(6)

Mental patient A asked B, "What do you think of my recently completed novel?" ?

B looked at it and replied, "Not bad. However, there are more characters. " .

Then the nurse in the mental hospital came in and said, "You put the phone book back for me!" " "

(7)

The doctor in the mental hospital wants to talk to a mental patient who is about to leave the hospital to confirm whether the patient has fully recovered.

Get well.

Doctor: What are you going to do after you leave the hospital?

Patient: smash all the windows in your hospital with stones.

When the doctor heard about it, he found that the patient had not fully recovered, so he decided to continue the treatment. A few months later, the doctor

I think the patient seems ready to leave the hospital, so I decided to talk to him again.

Doctor: What are you going to do after you leave the hospital?

Patient: Get a job.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Making money.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Save money.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Marry a wife.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: The bridal chamber.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Take off her clothes.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Take off her pants.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Take off her underwear.

Doctor: Then what?

Patient: Take out the rubber band on your underwear, make a slingshot, and find some stones to beat all the windows in your hospital.

Rotten.

(8)

Two mental patients, A Jun and B Jun, recovered at the same time, and their attending doctor said to them, "If one of you

If you are ill, another person will take him to the hospital at once. "

Suddenly one day, the doctor's phone rang. It turned out to be Mr. A: "Great, Mr. B started climbing in this morning."

In my toilet, I have to say that he is my toilet. ""come on, send him here quickly! The gentleman was silent for a moment: "then ... me."

Is there no toilet? "

(9)

In a mental hospital, a mental patient fishes in an empty fish tank every day.

One day, a nurse jokingly asked, "How many fish did you catch today?"

The mental patient suddenly jumped up and shouted, "What's wrong with you? Didn't you see it was an empty fish tank? "

( 10)

There is a mental hospital where many mental patients live.

One day, the dean was there. In order to see the recovery of the patients, he thought of a way and said to these patients:

You all come and say, draw a door on the wall and say, "Today, whoever opens this door can go home."

Yes. "

Hearing this, the psychopaths swarmed around the door of the painting. The dean was very disappointed, and then he found out that there was

A patient was still sitting in his original position, feeling fine, so he went forward and asked, "Why didn't you open the door?"

He looked at what the dean said and made the dean laugh and cry.

The patient secretly told the dean, "I have the key here."

( 1 1)

Mental patients in hospitals usually have a worship complex for doctors or nurses.

One day, a female patient came to see a male doctor. ...

Female patient: Dr. Lan, do you love me?

Dr. Lan pondered for a long time (in order not to hurt the patient and avoid the deterioration of his condition)

Dr. Lan: We have a doctor-patient relationship. Because you are ill, I must take good care of you. ...

In order not to hurt the patient, Dr. Lan explained for a long time and finally finished. )

Female patient: Dr. Lan, you mean you don't love me anymore?

Dr. Lan (brooding): Hmm … hmm … hmm …

Female patient: Nothing … I love Dr. Chen …