Ask for a short stand-up crosstalk

Today we are telling the story of Journey to the West.

Four monks set out from Chang 'an and went to the Western Heaven to learn Buddhist scriptures. "DuDu ~ ~ ~" didn't fly for a few minutes, and the plane landed slowly: there was no oil. Wukong said, "Come on, let's go and see where there is a gas station."

The Tang Priest wondered, "Why did you refuel just after flying?"

"The fuel tank is very small, as big as a soap box, adding five dollars at a time."

"That has to be added to more!"

I added it a hundred thousand times and it hasn't arrived yet. Where is this Buddhist paradise? No, the four of us together have to ask for directions. A pinch of the brakes, "cheep! ~ ~ ~ ~ "Wukong came down. Look, wow! What is this place? How so barren! Seeing an old man hoeing the ground, he hurried over.

Hi ~ hello ~ how are you? The old man looked back. "Why?" All right! Smells like a big stubble, Northeast China!

"Grandpa, how can I get to the Western Heaven?"

"Take a knife and put it on your neck."

"Then where is this?"

"Tieling!"

Okay, just the opposite. Then go back. He added more than 100 thousand oil and returned to Chang 'an.

Pig thought to himself, "Master, this is not right. When can we go if we have to walk like this? The fuel tank is too small, we have to change it to a bigger one. " Three people immediately saw the pig's big lunch box. Pig head doesn't want to do this I can't help it I can't beat these three people. Who asked you to use such a big lunch box? This is it! This is a lunch box. Click and it will be installed. The fuel tank has become bigger, and it can add more than 20 yuan of oil at a time. Not that big. Yes! It's not easy.

"Du ~ ~ ~" is up again. After flying for more than half a year, I added more than 20 thousand oil return. On this day, we arrived at the Flame Mountain. Flame, roar ~! 8848 meters, you can't fly there. Mentoring will sum up. Can you ask Princess Iron Fan to fan us? The Monkey King is the brother-in-law of Princess Tiefan, so it is ok to put on a set of porcelain.

Princess Tiefan is waiting to cook the Tang monk's meat. She saw Monkey Sun coming, can she not fight? But she is no match for the Monkey King. After a dozen rounds, you can't beat the enemy. If you are defeated, let's use magic weapons to serve. Take out the banana fan, "Woo ~ ~ ~" plane, luggage roll and lunch box and return to the Tang Dynasty one by one.

The lesson is serious and the consequences are painful. After studying, the four decided to take the Datang-6 super-large fuel tank spacecraft and go around the Flame Mountain at full speed until they learned the Buddhist scriptures in the Western Heaven.

"whoosh ~ ~ ~ ~" This guy is in heaven, and he doesn't have to refuel for a day, making four people happy. But when we reached the border, we didn't know any of the four boys. The Tang Priest asked again, "Where is this?" Wukong scratched his head: "I don't know. It's all dirt, it's all potholes, and it shouldn't be the Western Heaven. " Pig took a banner and said, "Come, Tang Priest." Bang! It's stuck underground.

Later 1969, the spaceship came to this place again! A man came down from above, holding a small star-spangled banner in his hand, muttering, "One small step for me, one giant step for mankind!" " "So, about the moon landing, in fact, China people are ancestors.

Just when the book rules were about to get to the point, the four of them boarded the Datang 6 spacecraft again and then went to the west. When he returned to the atmosphere, Pig slammed on the brakes. At that time, the brake line jumped, hit and fell. When the four men and women saw this scene, they saw a city gate with the words "Western Paradise" written on it. Four people cried with joy.

See you at the Lei Yin Temple. Let's go Just arrived at the door, a group of people shout suddenly surrounded. "Master, would you like a plate?" "Diamond Sutra, Big Dipper, Jiuyin Zhen Jing, graphic version, video version, photo version, high compression and high definition." "One is worth a hundred."

Tang Priest's face was expressionless: "Stand down! We take the true scriptures. Resolutely combat piracy. Hey! In this world, Buddha's copyright fee is not collected. Disciples, go into the house quickly. "

When the Tathagata saw the four men in rags, he was surprised and said, "Where do beggars come from?"

The four men quickly explained, "We are monks who came from the East to learn from the Tang Dynasty. Sorry, I'm late. Because the fuel tank is too small. "

"What? The fuel tank is too small? " Four people haven't finished yet, and the Tathagata is unhappy. "Isn't it already passed?" The whole set of classics, even illustrations, recordings and live-action DV have been passed down. The mailbox is not big enough? "

The four men looked at each other, puzzled. Tathagata pointed to the computer on the desk. "Don't be gentle. Have all the scriptures been emailed? You Datang have already used my scriptures. "

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57 2020-05-28

Ask for a short cross talk

Crosstalk: Be polite (Ma Ji/Tang Jiezhong) Text: Well, now we advocate being polite. Tang: Being polite is the embodiment of one's self-cultivation as well as a national civilization. M: Use honorific words to people. Don: Mm-hmm. Ma: Speak politely. Don: Only in this way can we be commensurate with our civilized country. For example, I saw you. You saw me. M: I have to talk to you like this. Don: What do you mean? M: Hey, comrade, I'm sorry. Let me ask you something. Don: Look how polite it is. If you have something to do, just do it. Let me ask you a question. Don: Who are you going to ask? M: I asked this comrade. Don: Mm-hmm. Ma: He is tall and burly with heavy eyebrows. Don: Oh. M: I heard that he is a crosstalk performer. Don: Oh, what's this man's name? His name is Comrade Tang Jiezhong. Is it in your company? Don: Oh, now, now. Man: Ah! Don: Yes, yes, yes. M: Please come out and I'll meet him. Thank you. Don: Don't thank me. I am. Oh, you are Comrade Tang Jiezhong. Don: Hey. Oh, I'm sorry. Don: Huh? M: I haven't seen you for a long time. Excuse me! Don: What's the big deal? M: Did you hear this in your heart? Don: I sound comfortable. How modest and polite. Look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Thank you. Don: Kind words. M: That's impolite. Don: Huh? M: It shows respect for each other. Don: Oh. M: I am modest and polite. Don: Yes. M: Hey, everyone has to talk like this. Don: Oh, oh. Man: You have to change the way. Don't use these polite words. You don't feel good about this. Don: What can I say? M: That's right. Don: Mm-hmm. Man: Hey! I said. Don: What do you call it? Let me ask you something about a person. Don: Who are you going to ask? M: This man. Don: Mm-hmm. Ma: A little taller than Wu Dalang, with a head and a tea tray. Yes, I heard that he is a crosstalk performer. What's your name? Everyone's name is Tang Lan. Don: Hey, why do you call it a nickname? M: Huh? Don: Yes, I am. Can I help you? Man: You are! Don: Mm-hmm. M: Don't be ridiculous. Don: What do you mean? Don't be ridiculous. I'm Tang Jiezhong. what can I do for you? M: I have something to do. I'm fine. Can I call you? Don: Say something. M: Come on, stop it. Neither side wants to. What are you talking about? Don: Why are you here? Ma: I said you, don't stare, don't stare. Staring is uglier than epiphysis. Don: Drink! M: Look, what does it look like? No, it's not. Please, please, why are you doing this? You see, sometimes angry, sometimes sick, sometimes sick, sometimes cold. Please, if you don't want to tell me, I'll ask someone else. Come on, stupid gentlemen.

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Kneel for a stand-up comedy! ! ! Be sure to be short! !

Quit drinking, and go east, west, north and south. People bite dogs at intersections. They pick up dogs and chop bricks, but the bricks bite their hands. There was a 19-year-old man who drank lotus root with wine in his mouth. He has never seen such a thing since he was a child. Three wheels are pulling a train. Hey! Does this look like it to you? ! Today I will tell you a stand-up comedy, in which there is such a disgraced person. When did this happen? It happened in the Qing Dynasty. He said that there is such a rich man with a lot of money, and he is also one of the best people in Beijing. The old man has two sons. The eldest son is calm and capable in whatever he does. What about this penis? It's okay to be a man, but I have a little problem. I can drink some wine. How good is he? He hangs a wine gourd on the bedside, and when he wakes up at night, he opens the gourd and drinks a few mouthfuls. It's not good to go to the toilet. He put a wine jar at the door of the toilet, and he has to drink a few mouthfuls after going to the toilet! ! ! That's it. He drinks and gets drunk every day. Finally, one day, the old man was dying. He is very ill and will die soon. He called his two sons to his side, told him to finish the funeral, left the eldest son alone, and said to the boss, "I'm going to die." My last wish is to ask your brother to give up drinking. Even if our family has money, we can't stand his drinking style! " ! ! "The boss nodded. The old man said that and died. After the two sons finished the old man's business, the boss began to give up drinking for his younger brother. Someone told the boss that the second brother hit an alcoholic! ! ! I had to ask the old mage to exorcise the evil spirits, but the boss believed me. Let me tell you, this is a sudden illness and disorderly medical care. I paid a lot of money to hire a group of wizards, but I didn't expect these people to be just a bunch of knives, reading grape classics at home all day. Who asked what the Grape Sutra was? In fact, it is what the liar read: "Eat grapes without spitting grape skins, and spit grape skins without eating grapes"! ! ! (chanting) In fact, they don't even know what they are talking about! ! ! That's it. Exorcism didn't work, so I asked my boss to kick those people out. Some people say that the second child is a wine bug and needs to bask in it. Dog days, comrades, hang a big living person with a rope to bask in the sun. Can you stand it? Don't worry. The boss is really cruel. Still not working. It's gone again Whether you say it or not, the boss is smart. He asked someone to find a seawater tank. What is an ocean tank? Aquarium is a big aquarium that only five or six strong men can move in the early years. Why are you looking for such a big water tank? Don't worry, listen to me slowly! ! ! The boss got a vat full of old wine. When he finished, he threw the second one in. He also got a grindstone to cover his mouth and put a seal on it. The seal said, "Brother sealed it just to quit. It's time to seal the jar and get drunk. "After that, I left, which made the second child very happy and finally I could have a big meal. While drinking, I sang "It doesn't matter if I'm drunk, I'm buried in the restaurant, and I'm as happy as a fairy when I smell this Daqu"! ! ! (Singing), listen to this word. Not bad. But the second son's daughter-in-law can't sit still at home. If she is drunk, will she still be alive? ! ! I ran to the edge of the water tank overnight and knocked on the water tank. " "Master, are you okay? The second child was happy when he heard that his wife was coming. " Hey, the seal of my brother-in-law doesn't need to be opened. If it still matters, bring me a pickle! "! ! ! His wife, listen. Hey! ! ! Why are you still drinking?

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Ask for a short cross talk

A: This cross talk comes from life, so as a cross talk actor, you should constantly study life. In fact, no matter what you do, you need to study your business carefully as long as you want to do it well. B: Yes, say whatever you want and shout whatever you sell! What did you say?/Sorry? B: Say whatever you want and drink whatever you sell. I'm very uncomfortable to hear that. B: Why? What does he have to say? Yes, you can say whatever you want. Did he do anything? B: No A: Thief! B: Huh? A: When did you see a bus leave the station and someone stood up in the carriage? Please introduce yourself. I am a thief, and I want to work here today. I hope you can cooperate. Hey, that lesbian, I stole your wallet when you raised your arm. What does this mean? This is outrageous. Is being a thief a profession? A: Stealing professional households. I haven't heard of it. What does a formal job do? A: Oh, you have to shout what you sell. B: That's right. What do you sell? Is there anyone who doesn't shout? No. A: The urn seller. How did he find it? A: When did you see the urn seller shouting, "Hey, come and buy, come and see the urn exported to the domestic market. The small box has a lid and can hold photos. Hey, how about two, sir? " B: no A: Besides, there is no such shop after this village. You can't buy it until you're dead. B: Fuck you.

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Ask for a short and funny cross talk

A: Hello everyone! (Bowing) Today, I want to tell you a strange thing ... B: I'm so angry! Hum! [b runs on the stage with an angry face] A: What's the matter? Brother? I am running away from home. [crying after saying that] A: Really? So serious? B: What won't! My mother won't buy me that computer that has been tossing around for 4 years. A: That's called Pentium. You're the one who messed around. B: Whatever. It's popular now anyway. My mother won't buy it for me, so I'm in a hurry with her. A: (to the audience) How can there be such a person? B: That day, my mother and I went shopping and saw a computer shop. We walked in and were immediately attracted by a computer. I told my mother to buy it, but she refused to buy it anyway. A: How much is it? B: It's neither expensive nor expensive. Four zeros will do. A: Isn't it expensive? You ah! It's hard for your mother to have you. Why are you like this? Running away from home ... thanks to your imagination! B: (speaking slowly with shame) So ... What do you suggest? A: Go back and apologize to her. B: All right. (Turning around) A: (Facing the audience) Look at such a person ... (At this moment, B is angry again) B: Good for you ... (Angry), alas, forget it, when I suffer. A: What's the matter? What happened? You asked me to apologize, and I went, but what happened ... what happened? B: As a result, my mother was not angry at all. A: Isn't that great? B: Is there anything delicious? She is not ashamed of not buying me a computer. You mean angry? A: You apologize! Or do you expect her to apologize to you? b； You just told me to apologize. Now I've lost a lot. A: If you do something wrong, you must admit it and apologize. What should I do? I wanted to say "I'm sorry" casually, and then I wanted to hear my mother's sincere apology. Now ... (angry, stomping) it's all your fault! A: What a man! (Finger B, facing the audience) Didn't you help your mother once? What do you mean? Just helping her with some housework. B: Yes! Last year, my mother asked me to take out the garbage. When I saw two green cans, one with a big mouth and the other with a small mouth, I drew lots to decide which one to take out and finally decided on the one with a small mouth. Did you pour it in? I poured it, but something happened. A: What's the matter? I saw four big letters on the trash can: "China Post". A: Ah! Is that all you did? How can I? But I dare not take out the garbage in the future. What's that for? Mop the floor. A: That would be great. B: I dragged it so hard that people reflected on the floor. A: Well done! B: My mother was just about to compliment her after I turned her down. Boom! I fell down. Stand up. Knock on the door. I fell down again and stood up ... A: Boom! I fell down again. B: I didn't fall this time. A: That's good. B: Just lie down after you stand up this time. How did that happen? I spilled a little oil on the floor when I mopped the floor. a； Dizzy-which one is mopping the floor? A: Anyway, she is your mother! You haven't heard: there is only a mother in the world. Yes, I know. A: You should have a grateful heart. B: A grateful heart: I want to repay my parents' kindness and care for them bit by bit. I see. I would never let my mother hold a broom in one hand and a vacuum cleaner in the other, with two rotten pens on her feet and one on her head ... A: What? B: pressure cooker! Hey ... B: I will help my mother sweep the floor, mop the floor and take out the garbage in the future ... Well, that's more like it. I must study hard. Be a good student. I don't want to do that again. Be a good son. I want to apologize to my mother. I want to apologize to her. Why don't you go? B: 886 (shaking hands)

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It's best to have a short stand-up cross talk, about five or six minutes. I'm going to put it on at the New Year's Day party.

I recommend Degang Guo's latest stand-up comic novel Journey to the West, which is about five minutes long and easy to understand. The lines are as follows: Today we are telling the story of Journey to the West. Four monks set out from Chang 'an and went to the Western Heaven to learn Buddhist scriptures. "DuDu ~ ~ ~" didn't fly for a few minutes, and the plane landed slowly: there was no oil. Wukong looked for it: "Come on, see where there is a gas station?" The Tang Priest wondered, "Why did you refuel just after flying?" "The fuel tank is very small, as big as a soap box, adding five dollars at a time." "How long will it take to add? ! "I added hundreds of times and it hasn't arrived yet. Where is this Buddhist paradise? No, the four of us together have to ask for directions. A pinch of the brakes, "cheep! ~ ~ ~ ~ "Wukong came down. Look, wow! What is this place? How so barren! Seeing an old man hoeing the ground, he hurried over. Hi ~ hello ~ how are you? The old man looked back. "Why?" All right! Smells like a big stubble, Northeast China! "Grandpa, how can I get to the Western Heaven?" "Take a knife and put it on your neck." "Then where is this?" "Tieling!" Okay, just the opposite. Then go back. He added more than 100 thousand oil and returned to Chang 'an. Pig thought to himself, "Master, this is not right. When can we go if we have to walk like this? The fuel tank is too small, we have to change it to a bigger one. " Three people immediately saw the pig's big lunch box. Pig doesn't like it. I can't help it I can't beat these three people. Who asked you to use such a big lunch box? This is it! This is a lunch box. Click and it will be installed. The fuel tank has become bigger, and it can add more than 20 yuan of oil at a time. Not that big. Yes! It's not easy. "Du ~ ~ ~" is up again. After flying for more than half a year, I added more than 20 thousand oil return. On this day, we arrived at the Flame Mountain. Flame, roar ~! 8848 meters, you can't fly there. Mentoring will sum up. Can you ask Princess Iron Fan to fan us? The Monkey King is the brother-in-law of Princess Tiefan, so it is ok to put on a set of porcelain. Well, maybe. Princess Tiefan is waiting to cook the Tang monk's meat. She saw Monkey Sun coming, can she not fight? But she is no match for the Monkey King. After a dozen rounds, you can't beat the enemy. If you are defeated, let's use magic weapons to serve. Take out the banana fan, "Woo ~ ~ ~" plane, luggage roll and lunch box and return to the Tang Dynasty one by one. The lesson is serious and the consequences are painful. After studying, the four decided to take the Datang-6 super-large fuel tank spacecraft and go around the Flame Mountain at full speed until they learned the Buddhist scriptures in the Western Heaven. "whoosh ~ ~ ~ ~" This guy is in heaven, and he doesn't have to refuel for a day, making four people happy. But when we reach a border, we don't know each other. The Tang Priest asked again, "Where is this?" Wukong scratched his head: "I don't know. It's all dirt, it's all potholes, and it shouldn't be the Western Heaven. " Pig took a banner and said, "Come, Tang Priest." Bang! It's stuck underground. Later, after 1300 years, AD 1969, the spaceship came to this place again! A man came down from above, holding a small star-spangled banner in his hand, muttering, "This is one small step for me, but one giant step for mankind!" " "So, about the moon landing, in fact, China people are ancestors. Back to the point in the book, the four of them boarded the Datang 6 spacecraft again and then went to the west. When he returned to the atmosphere, Pig put on the brakes. At that time, the brake line jumped, hit and fell. When the four men and women saw this scene, they saw a city gate with the words "Western Paradise" written on it. Four people cried with joy. See you at the Lei Yin Temple. Let's go Just arrived at the door, a group of people suddenly gathered around. Master, do you want a plate? "Diamond Sutra, Big Dipper, Jiuyin Zhen Jing, graphic version, video version, photo version, high compression and high definition." "One is worth a hundred." Tang Priest's face was expressionless: "Stand down! We take the true scriptures. Resolutely combat piracy. Hey! In this world, Buddha's copyright fee is not collected. Disciples, go in quickly. "Tathagata was surprised to see four people in rags:" Where did those beggars come from? The four men quickly explained, "We are monks who came from the East to learn from the Tang Dynasty. Sorry, I'm late. Because the fuel tank is too small. " "What? The tank is too small? "I haven't waited for four people to finish, and I will be unhappy if I come." Didn't it already pass? "The whole set of classics, even illustrations, recordings and live-action DV have been passed down. The mailbox is not big enough? " The four men looked at each other, puzzled. Tathagata pointed to the computer on the desk. "Don't be gentle. Have all the scriptures been emailed? You Datang have already used my scriptures. "