Any super funny words?

1. I heard that making a wish is particularly effective when there are meteors passing through the sky. That day I made a wish on a shooting star, hoping that you would become smarter. Holy shit! Guess what? The meteor actually flew back along the same path!

2. I spent 80,000 yuan to buy a Western Zhou clay pot. Yesterday I went to the "Treasure Appraisal" column for appraisal. The expert said seriously: "How can this be from the Western Zhou Dynasty? This is from last week." !

3. Son: "Mom, I failed the math test today" Mother: "Why, what question." Son: "The teacher asked me 2*3=? I said =6." Mother : "That's right, and what next." Son: "Then the teacher asked me again 3*2=?" Mother: "Aren't these the same thing!" Son: "That's what I said too...

4. A prisoner was executed by firing squad. The bullets were produced by "XX County" and were of poor quality. The first shot was not fired, and then the second shot...the third shot...at this time the prisoner Crying loudly: "Please strangle me to death, it's too scary!"

5. The father told his son a story: "The uncle asked Xiaoyang to cut firewood, but Xiaoyang unexpectedly cut the uncle's favorite peach tree. After it was chopped off, the uncle was very angry but didn't scold him. Do you know why?" The son replied: "Maybe it's because Xiaoyang still has an ax in his hand, so he didn't dare to scold him.

6. The doctor asked the patient how he had broken the bone. He replied: I felt there was sand in my shoes, so I shook my shoes by holding on to the telephone pole. I shook and shook... Someone thought I had been electrocuted, so he picked up a wooden stick and gave it to me.

7. A judge looked sideways and tried three criminal suspects, A, B and C.

The judge said to A: "Did you steal the thing?"

B replied: "No"

The judge was furious: "I didn't ask you. "

C said: "I didn't say anything. ”

8. The last bus

At night, on the last bus, a woman in white sat in the last row.

The driver looked in the rearview mirror and saw that the woman was gone. , Surprised!

I stopped and turned around, where was the person sitting?

I continued to drive and looked in the rearview mirror, but the woman was not there. I stopped and turned around again, and the woman appeared again.

Keep driving and look in the rearview mirror, the woman is gone!

Stop suddenly, the woman comes slowly, her hair messy and her face covered with blood, and she says in a low voice:

"I'm here!" Have a grudge against you? As soon as you tie your shoelaces, you brake suddenly; as soon as you tie your shoelaces, you brake suddenly. ”

9. Know your own people well

A group of professors were invited onto a plane.

After sitting down, they were told that the plane belonged to them Designed by students.

As a result, all the professors got off the plane.

Only one professor sat there motionless.

Someone asked him why he didn’t get off the plane quickly. , he said: “Don’t worry, this plane can’t fly at all. "

10. Teachers who care about students

One day, the math teacher said after class: "Students, the high school entrance examination is about to take place." In order for everyone to get good grades, I went to the bookstore last night to find a very good tutoring material. A lot of the content on it is from the high school entrance examination in previous years. I suggest..."

Also Before he finished speaking, he was interrupted by a male voice: "Stop talking so much nonsense and make an offer! ”

11. I didn’t bring any books

The academic style of my classmate’s school is not very strong, and no one comes to class at the end of the year.

By the way, my classmate is still He was very obedient and went to class once.

It turned out that he was the only one in the classroom that could accommodate 100 people. The teacher was moved when he saw his eagerness to learn and said, "I am a classmate." Let me draw the key points for you!

The best thing is that my classmate said: "Teacher, I didn't bring a book. "

12. Serving food

In the cafeteria, student A said to student B:

"The new semester is a new atmosphere. The portions of the dishes today were obviously larger than before, and our opinions were finally taken seriously. "

Student B patted him on the shoulder and said, "Don't think too much. The master has been on leave for two months and his hands are a bit raw.

"

13. You can only demonstrate once

The instructor of the Iraqi suicide bombing training camp said to the young men who had just entered the camp training:

"Everyone, please pay attention. Wait, I will only demonstrate this thing once! ”

14. Don’t waste salt when cooking

I was hungry last night, so I went to eat noodles.

Wait for the water to boil and add salt. I sprinkled salt on my hands.

I didn’t want to waste it, so I put my hands in the pot and rinsed them.

15. I was so drunk

One day at Xiao Ming’s house. The phone rang, and Xiao Ming immediately picked up the phone and said:

"Hello, this is a phone message. Please leave a message after hearing the du sound. "

The other end of the phone didn't respond for a long time. Xiao Ming said angrily: "I'm so confused, why don't you say anything? ”

16. People who can sleep

Everyone knows about the college entrance examination these days

I just saw the status posted by a god on Weibo: I Damn it, I woke up late, prepare to re-study next year.

People who can sleep can’t afford to spit on your face.

I once had a quarrel with a classmate. He was too quarrelsome and I couldn't quarrel with him.

When I got anxious, I said, "I'll spit on your face." "

After hearing this, he looked at me for a few seconds, and as expected he stopped arguing.

18. What do you want others to say?

The pastor asked the church member: " What do you want someone to say as you lie in your coffin? ”

One person said: “I want people to say that I am a family man. ”

Another person said: “I want to be said to be helpful.” ”

A third person said: “I want people to say: ‘Look, he seems to be moving! ’”

19. The door that cannot be pushed open

Patient: “Doctor, I’ve been having the same nightmare lately. What’s going on? ”

Doctor: “What are you dreaming about?” "

Patient: "I always dream that I walk to a door, so I push and push, but I can't push it open! ”

Doctor: “What’s on the door?” "

Patient: "There is a word 'pu'..."

20. Good and bad studies

Children who study well before exams They all said, “I’m going to take the exam! ", and those who don't study well say "I'll go!" It’s exam time! "

21. Hold my hand

The warden asked the death row inmate sitting on the electric chair before execution: "Do you have any other requests? ”

Death row prisoner: “I just hope you can hold my hand during the execution to make me feel better.” ”

The children who studied well after the exam all said, “I finished the exam!” ", and those who don't study well say, "Damn it! It’s over! ”

21. This class is impossible

School just started after the winter vacation. In a second-grade elementary school class, 80% of the students were doing their own things.

The teacher said angrily: "You can do whatever you like! There is no way to take this class. ”

A classmate raised his hand calmly: “Teacher, can I set off the cannon?” "

The teacher said casually: "Whatever. ”

The student casually took out a bunch of firecrackers from his schoolbag and set them off in the classroom...

22.

The son returned home tremblingly: "Dad, I only got 60 points in today's exam." Dad was very angry: "Next time if you get a low grade, don't call me dad!" The son came back the next day: "I'm sorry, brother!" "

23.

Chinese leaders and American leaders are competing to see whose bodyguards are more loyal. The American leader ordered his bodyguards to jump off the 10th floor. The bodyguards knelt down and said, "Don't do this. , I still have my family. ". So the US president relented. The Chinese leader ordered the bodyguard to jump down, and the Chinese bodyguard jumped without saying a word. The US president was so frightened that he quickly grabbed him. The Chinese bodyguard said: "Don't do this, I still have my family.

”

24.

Teacher: “Nobita, the teacher will give you 90 yuan, and you can borrow another 10 yuan from Fat Tiger. How much money will you have in total?” "

Nobita: "0 yuan. ”

Teacher: “You don’t understand mathematics at all!” ”

Nobita: “You don’t understand Fat Tiger at all!” ! ! ”

25.

Patients in the intensive care unit of a certain hospital always die around 11 o’clock on Sundays, which puzzles the doctors and even thinks it is a supernatural event. So an expert team was set up to investigate the cause of the incident. On Sunday, just as the clock struck eleven, it was discovered through the monitor that the cleaner who was cleaning on Sunday walked into the intensive care unit, unplugged the life support system plug of the seriously ill patient, and then plugged it in. I plugged in the vacuum cleaner and started cleaning. . .

26.

The handsome guy on the other side took a few bites of noodles and left. I poured the noodles to the hungry wild cat on the roadside. After a while, the handsome boy came back, holding a bottle of water in his hand and looking at the empty bowl with a suspicious look... At that moment, I just wanted to be a passerby eating noodles. …

27.

I went to the school supermarket to buy something today.

Don’t you have to swipe the barcode when you check out? There will be a “beep” sound~

The braised egg I bought couldn’t come out...

I didn’t know what I was thinking at the time...

It just happened. Say:

"Beep! ~~~”

The whole audience was petrified~~~

26. A girl who looks like a king

When we picked up the plane at noon, there was a couple standing next to us.

The girl was dressed very colorfully, with blue and white striped pants, purple high heels, a sequined T-shirt and a pink suit.

She asked her husband coquettishly: "Do you think I look good today?" ? ”

Her husband replied calmly: “Well, that’s good. If you change the suit to red, you’ll look more like the King of Poker.” ”

27. Eye-catching

In class, a classmate was sleeping on his stomach and the classmate in front of him farted a very smelly thing;

The one sleeping behind him suddenly started doing it Rubbing his eyes, he said: "This fart is really eye-catching!" "

28. There is no failure in the dictionary

In class, the teacher said: "There is no word 'failure' in the dictionary of my life! ”

Just after he finished speaking, a dictionary came from below: “Teacher, I’ll lend you mine!” ”

Teacher: “You will stand up for this class.” ”