Ten essays (19)

The most intuitive expression is: what is not worth doing is not worth doing well. This law reflects people's psychology. If a person is engaged in something that he thinks is not worth it, he will often adopt a cynical and perfunctory attitude. Not only is the success rate small, but even if you succeed, you won't have much sense of accomplishment.

The classic line in the TV series "Kitchen": "Whether a dish is cooked well or not, the raw materials are not important, the seasoning is not important, and the heat is not important. The most important thing is the chef's heart. " When you cook with a "unworthy" heart, your dishes will add bitterness. There is a famous saying in the famous Korean drama Dae Jang Geum: "When cooking food, you should think about the happiness of the people who eat it."

Not worth loving, not worth paying, not worth cherishing, not worth pursuing ... these "not worth" will spread. When we feel that a day is not worth trying to live well, almost all the days will be bad for us. In the end, I'm afraid we can only get a "not worth living".

For children's education, when parents do not fully agree with the importance of "respecting children's independent personality, appreciating children's uniqueness, accepting children's uniqueness, believing that children can handle their own affairs and love their children unconditionally", they do not fully believe and do it psychologically, and it is difficult to do it in behavior! The result is often unsatisfactory!

Second, path dependence?

Path dependence means that when people choose a path, they may be dependent on it. It's like walking on a road of no return, and the power of inertia will make this choice constantly strengthen itself, making it difficult for people to go out easily.

Experiment: Put five monkeys in a cage with a bunch of bananas hanging in the middle. As long as one monkey reaches for a banana, all monkeys are taught with high-pressure water until no monkey dares to do it again.

Then change a monkey in the cage into a new monkey. The new monkey didn't know the "rules" here and went to get bananas. As a result, the four monkeys in the cage were angered. They perform punishment tasks instead of people and beat the new monkey until it abides by the "rules" here.

So the monkeys punished by high-pressure water were constantly replaced. Finally, all the monkeys in the cage were new, but none dared to touch bananas again.

At first, it was reasonable for monkeys not to let other monkeys touch bananas because they were afraid of being "implicated". However, the later generations and punishment no longer intervene, and the new monkeys all adhere to the system of "not eating bananas", which is the self-reinforcing effect of path dependence.

Children develop the habit of growing up thinking under the guidance of their parents, which has a far-reaching impact on their growth. Good thinking habits will benefit children for life!

Third, the Antai effect.

In ancient Greek mythology, there was a Hercules named Antai. He is the son of Poseidon, the god of the sea, and Gaia, the god of the earth. But he has a fatal weakness, that is, once he leaves the earth and his mother's nourishment, he loses all his strength. His opponent spied the secret and designed to let him leave the earth, hold him high and kill him in the air. Later, people called the phenomenon of losing a certain ability once out of the corresponding conditions "Aetna effect".

The "Antai effect" inspires people not to lose the source of strength and the necessary environment for survival and development.

The famous story of Meng Mu's Three Movements in history is that Mencius' mother moved many times in order to choose a good environment to educate her children. Saint Amethyst said, "In the past, Meng Mu chose its neighbors." . Meng Mu's three movements came from this. In order to give children a really good educational environment, Meng Mu took great pains to move to three places. Now it is sometimes used to show that parents have good intentions and try their best to train their children.

Children's initial life and growth environment is family environment, and the source of strength comes from parents.

A family environment full of love, warmth, positive thinking, positive language, smiling expression and positive hug will guide children to grow up better. Husband-wife relationship is more important than parent-child relationship, and parents' self-expression and significance are the source of children's strength.

Fourth, the herd effect

Sheep are a messy organization, but once one sheep moves, other sheep will follow, no matter what danger may be nearby or the better grassland not far away. Herd effect is a metaphor, everyone has herd mentality, which easily leads to blind obedience, and blind obedience often leads to fraud or failure.

A joke: An oil tycoon went to heaven to attend a meeting. As soon as he entered the conference room, he found it crowded with people, and there was no place to sit down. So he had a brainwave and shouted, "Oil has been found in hell!" " "The oil tycoons in heaven ran to hell one by one, and soon, only the caller was left in heaven. At this time, the tycoon couldn't help thinking, everyone ran over, did you really find oil in hell? So, he also hurried to hell.

Both husband and wife have their own circle of friends, because appreciation is a familiar reason between friends, and it is also better in front of friends. In addition, the complainer often only says one-sided words, and the information is incomplete, which leads to the opinion given by friends that it is more correct to agree with himself and the spouse is wrong. Make yourself more wronged and resentful.

For children, parents should have their own opinions and judgments through learning, instead of completely listening to the experience and coup of blindly following others' parenting, because it may not be wonderful or suitable for your children!

Five, Hawthorne effect

"Hawthorne effect" is an effect that people will deliberately change some behaviors or verbal expressions when they realize that they are being watched or observed.

In the 1920s-1930s, American researchers discovered the experimenter effect, called Hawthorne effect, in the experiment on the relationship among working conditions, social factors and production benefits in Hawthorne factory of Chicago West Electric Power Company.

After years of experiments and research, scholars have realized that people are not only stimulated by external factors, but also have their own subjective incentives, thus giving birth to the theory of management behavior. As far as Hawthorne experiment is concerned, when six experimenters are drawn out as a group, they realize that they are a special group, the object of the experiment and the object that these experts have been paying attention to. This sense of concern makes them work harder to prove that they are excellent and worthy of attention.

In parenting education, everyone, from infants to adults, has the motivation to be concerned, and the feeling that children are initially respected comes from parents and families. From infancy, parents can accompany them to pay attention to their children more effectively. Young children realize that they are being noticed. The good feeling of being loved and cared for by parents makes children feel safe, and children can devote themselves to happy growth and become excellent people.

Sixth, the beauty effect.

The beauty effect comes from a story: the owner of a cafeteria in Rome came up with a clever plan to earn tips. He invited a very beautiful girl to sit at the counter to collect money in order to fascinate the male guests and give generously.

Who knows that the girl went to work for a few days and said to her boss, "I don't think I am as beautiful as before." The boss asked, "What's the matter?" "Now, all the male guests count their change repeatedly in front of the counter." The function of beauty effect here is to tap the potential consumption, increase the satisfaction of guests, enhance the competitive advantage of restaurants, and thus retain guests.

A survey by a famous American automobile company shows that in an auto show, if there are only famous cars without beautiful women, the average time for the audience to stop and watch is 2 minutes, and if there are famous cars and beautiful women, the time for the audience to stop and watch is 9 minutes. In other words, the "beauty" of the pretty girl increased the audience's attention time for this product by 7 minutes. Don't underestimate this short 7 minutes, it often leads to many business opportunities and sales revenue.

People don't necessarily like people they admire, but they will certainly like people who praise themselves, so parents should appreciate their children's advantages and encourage them to affirm them. At the same time, guide the discovery of children's interests, children are interested in things, and the internal motivation will continue!

Seven, Stockholm syndrome

Also known as hostage complex, it refers to a kind of complex in which the victim has feelings for the offender and even helps the offender in turn.

1973, two criminals robbed a bank in Stockholm and took four bank employees hostage. The stalemate between the police and the gangsters ended after 130 hours because the gangsters gave up. However, a few months after this incident, the four bank employees who were taken hostage still expressed sympathy for the kidnappers. They refused to accuse the kidnappers in court and even raised money for their legal defense. At the same time, I show that I don't hate gangsters, thank them for taking care of them instead of hurting them, and take a hostile attitude towards the police. What's more, a female employee among the hostages even fell in love with one of the robbers and got engaged to him while serving her sentence.

Hostages will have a sense of psychological dependence on the hijackers, while trying not to provoke or anger the kidnappers; When the hostages do this, they gradually lose their self-awareness until they fully accept the hijackers' point of view.

In family education, some parents give priority to the education of beating and scolding their children, thinking that their children are fine and listening to their parents. It is true that some introverted or gentle children will do this, but the inner harm of children will gradually appear after their marriage, which will cause great trouble to their marriage and family!

VIII. Langsdon Principles

Langsdon Principle: When climbing up, you must keep the ladder clean, or you may slip when coming down. In other words, one must avoid falling into a dilemma and humiliation in an appropriate way.

A story: Qin Mugong lost a good horse and was caught and eaten by more than 300 villagers living at the foot of the mountain. Officials are prepared to punish these people severely. Mu Gong said, "A gentleman does not harm people with livestock. I heard that eating good horse meat without drinking will hurt people. " Mu Gong also gave them wine to drink and pardoned these people.

Later, a war broke out between Qin and Jin. Qin Mugong personally took part in the war and was surrounded by the Jin army. Mu Gong was injured and his life was in danger. At this time, more than 300 people who stole good horse meat rushed to the Jin army, "all pushing the front to work hard to repay the virtue of eating horses." Mu Gong not only escaped, but also captured Jin Jun alive.

Anger is inevitable when a good horse is eaten. However, things have happened. Killing a few people will not bring a good horse back to life, but may arouse people's anger. Forgiving others is a better choice, and the final result proves to support this.

As long as it is not a principled mistake in family life, things have already happened. If you insist on making mistakes, you will make a fool of yourself. If you overemphasize the right or wrong of things, you will alienate the relationship and people's hearts, and the loss will outweigh the gain!

Nine, Luvis theorem

Psychologist Luvis said: Modesty is not thinking badly of yourself, but not thinking about yourself at all. If you think too well of yourself, it's easy to think too badly of others.

Story: The Eagle King and the Eagle Queen chose a tall oak tree and prepared to build a nest here to raise their offspring. When the mole heard the news, he warned the eagle king, "This oak tree is not a safe place. Its roots are rotten, and it is in danger of falling down at any time. It is best not to nest here. "

The eagle scoffed and his eyes were sharp. What little thing is a mole, and what ability does it have to interfere in the affairs of the bird king?

The eagle king looked down on the mole and refused to listen. He insisted on building a nest here. Unfortunately, however, one day the oak tree fell down and all the children of the eagle king fell dead.

The eagle king was so sad that he cried and said, "I never thought that a little mole's warning would be accurate!" " "The mole replied," I dig holes in the ground every day, which is close to the roots. I know very well whether the roots are good or bad. "

Modesty means not considering yourself at all and asking people to forget themselves and enter a brand-new spiritual realm. When a person can temporarily put aside his own gains and losses, honor and disgrace, success or failure, face and other personal interests. He is open-minded, and his connection with others can go deeper into each other's hearts and have a better relationship because he has no self and judgment.

Tuning fork effect

Tuning fork effect means that for a thing, it is not the force you apply to it, but the key is to find its pulse accurately. Due to the existence of tuning fork effect, it is also possible that a small disturbance will have a huge impact, such as an avalanche.

We sometimes see this situation in police movies. Precious jewels in the jewelry store are put in bulletproof special glass. In other words, this kind of glass is hard, bullets can't penetrate it, hammers can't break it, but it can be vibrated with a tuning fork. When the selected tuning fork frequency is consistent with the resonant frequency of the glass, the glass will collide and break into pieces. This way of inducing objects to use clever force instead of strong force is called tuning fork effect.

A popular word to express the tuning fork effect is * * * Ming. When the two interacting parties produce * * * light, they can inspire a particularly great force, which may be constructive or destructive.

In family education, finding children's talents and interests is probably a "tuning fork" that stirs up children's inner motivation, rather than whether parents supervise or not. The key is to grasp children's pulse, read children at the same time, educate children according to their nature, occasionally forget their parents' identity, find their innocence, and play with children in a crazy way. This kind of * * will bring better parent-child harmony!