Why does no one laugh when I tell jokes?

One day 1 went to a small demon cave, and the monster came out to rob him. The Monkey King was in no hurry and didn't even bother to mention the stick. He called directly 1 10, and brother pol.ice took the monster away. . .

As soon as the three goblins in Shituo Cave appeared, the Monkey King called Tathagata: "Tathagata? Your bird, lion and elephant have all escaped. Take them away quickly, or I'll call the zoo! Sue you for cruelty to animals! ! "

Tang Priest called Tathagata every day, chattered endlessly, reported the difficulties on the road, and told his men, "Put away your goblins quickly and let Tang Priest go quickly, or complain once a day, which makes me angry."

Tang Priest went to his daughter's country to attend the king's banquet. Knowing that it was run, he arranged in advance when the Monkey King would call him. After three rounds of wine and five flavors of food, the king of the daughter country began to blink. He walked slowly to Tang Yan, just to hook up. Tang Yan's cell phone rang and Tang Yan answered the phone. "Hey, wife, I'm still eating. Go home right away. " After that, the Tang Priest accused him and ran away.

Liu Er's macaque pretended to be the Monkey King, and two monkeys hit the ground from the sky, turning it upside down. Finally, he arrived at the Jade Emperor Temple, and the Jade Emperor ordered him to take a photo with the magic mirror, but he couldn't see it. Two monkeys flew to the Western Heaven and asked if the Tathagata was true or false. Tathagata can't tell. Suddenly, he had a brainwave, picked up his mobile phone and dialed a number. The song "Men should strive for self-improvement" comes from one of the monkeys. The Tathagata was furious and pointed to another monkey and said, "Bad karma! Pretending to be the Monkey King is incomplete. You can't pretend to be the monkey's cell phone number. Take it! " Afterwards, Wukong wrote a thank-you letter to China Mobile.

Tang Priest said to his mobile phone, "Arlene (king of the daughter country), I am in the Western Heaven. Are you free?" If you are free, send a Boeing 747 to pick me up. "

7 Tang Priest: "You should find a shortcut to learn from the scriptures this time!"

Wukong: "flying is faster than riding a horse!" " "

Bajie: "Shenzhou VI is faster!"

Then Friar Sand pulled out his gun and said, "I heard that this thing will be sent to the West at once!"

After the Tang priest drove Wukong away, he met the monster again. He had to spell to summon Wukong back for help. Soon, a new voice came from the air: Sorry, the subscriber you dialed is not in service area, please redial later.

Princess Tiefan sued Tang Priest and his disciples.

Dear XXXXXXX Supreme Commission for Discipline Inspection:

My last name is Luo, and I'm a gangster. Some people (most people) call me Princess Iron Fan.

Today, although it has been many years, I feel it necessary to report to the Supreme Commission for Discipline Inspection to expose and expose all kinds of corruption in the journey of learning Buddhist scriptures from the beginning of the reconciliation between Tang Priest and his disciples, as well as the acts of losing national dignity and personality, shielding and conniving each other, causing untold sufferings along the way and setting fire to the corpses.

First, Tang Priest

Take advantage of my grandfather's position as a member of the country's top leadership to engage in nepotism and enter the country's highest religious class. After being received by the top leaders, he was appointed as the head of the delegation of religious Buddhism going abroad. In fact, Tang Yan, who started from nepotism, dabbled in religious Buddhism, but he was serious (such as Diamond Sutra, Burning Man Sutra, Mahayana Sutra, Prajna Sutra, etc. ) and no one ever listens to him.

At one time, the group was rampant in the early days, and with the relationship and human feelings as important factors, the Monkey King, a triad thug, was taken in one after another. Pig Bajie, a corrupt person with a serious depraved life and greedy for money, a laid-off and unemployed monk who is timid, incompetent, enterprising and uneducated.

Except for the Tang Priest, who is barely an expert, 75% of the whole delegation are gangsters who know nothing about chanting Buddha and scriptures. It is conceivable that a delegation composed of such quality personnel can learn any advanced experience abroad. Also called learning from the scriptures. The country's large foreign exchange reserves were wasted on this trip.

During the whole trip abroad, Tang Priest and his party ate and drank all the way, and never paid for themselves. Mainly because they are used to it when they are at home, I don't know which cultural relics management department has been bribed. Showing off a national treasure antique-Zijin Bowl as a tool for swindling and cheating. Almost made the national treasure cultural relics lost in a foreign land, and what the group did along the way seriously lost national dignity and personality. It is suggested that the Commission for Discipline Inspection and relevant departments thoroughly investigate this matter.

Second, the Monkey King.

This man is a typical anarchist, unorganized and undisciplined generation, and he is a brave and heartless person who doesn't sit or stand. It's definitely a stone in the pit again-a smelly and hard guy. Up to now, I can't find out this guy's parents' native place and family background. He claimed to have jumped out of a crack in the stone. Moreover, the police and policemen of all ages were irresponsible. According to his false confession, we will not pursue it.

Sun Zeng was concurrently punished for several crimes, such as violating dogma, anarchy, disorganization and discipline, disturbing state order, obstructing official duties, resisting arrest, stealing and disturbing the underworld. He was sentenced to 500 years' imprisonment by the Supreme Court. He is a real gangster. Before Tang Priest went abroad, he sewed up his sentence. On the premise of no investigation and the intercession of a leader, he included such a generation that hates ghosts and gods in the investigation group. Along the way, the little man ignored human life, killed countless creatures under his stick, and set fire to destroy the bodies.

In addition, Sun also plundered and embezzled state-owned assets-he went to Long, Minister of Water Resources, to forcibly take an anchor needle (also known as the golden hoop). The instrument used in this water conservancy project weighs 13500 kg, but Sun said that he only took an embroidery needle.

Also, I can't tell you the humiliation-he didn't know where to find someone to make him up, dressed as my husband Niu Wang Mo, and cheated my ancestral treasure, the banana fan. If my husband hadn't happened to come home and get it back, he would have been like a golden hoop. Before that, Sun got into my stomach while I was unprepared, tortured me to death, and left me with a serious gynecological disease. I have never been pregnant, except that I gave birth to Hong Haier with Wang Mo.

Three, pig eight quit

This man is always a lecherous, rogue. It turns out that he is also in charge of more than 80,000 water troops in Tian Penghe, a senior military leadership position-Admiral of the fleet. As we all know, because of flirting with Chang 'e, fortunately no one died. He was sentenced by the Supreme Leader and the Supreme Court to revoke all his duties, delete his immortal status and send him to the mortal world on charges of indecency, insulting women and rape. However, he still didn't want to repent. He took advantage of his former leadership capital and the face of a big, stupid and black rogue to forcibly accept Gao Laozhuang as his son-in-law. Later, due to the endless harassment of Mrs. Gao and Gao Xiaojie, after bribing Tang Yan and the Monkey King, Tang Yan also included them in the list of overseas delegations.

During his inspection abroad, this man never did anything serious, was lazy and greedy, and lost all his national dignity and personality along the way. When you see a woman, you talk to her. Fight for the first place when you see something delicious. Avoid three houses when you encounter difficulties. If you can't avoid it again, you will quarrel many times, break up and stay. The whole world knows all the crimes.

Fourth, the sand monk

This person is a typical incompetent person. He once held a higher position in the military-general confinement. Because of irresponsibility, he committed the crime of damaging public property-accidentally broke the glass lamp of Qibao, and was also dismissed, dismissed and sent to the world. It was only after greeting the same leader that he was able to enter the list of Tang Priest's overseas delegations. In the whole process of studying abroad to learn from the scriptures, he has never expressed any high opinions, low opinions, deep opinions, shallow opinions and humble opinions. There is another little-known reason why this person can go abroad with Tang Yan-he is a friend of the adopted son of the uncle and nephew of the third cousin Zhu Bajie. Before that, I used to take a sauna and sing karaoke with Pig Bajie in Tianpengchi and Liushahe.

The above report is true. If you don't believe me, please refer to The Journey to the West, the long newsletter of Comrade Wu Cheng'en, the specially invited editor-in-chief reporter and commentator of XXXX, and you will know the authenticity of my report.

Whistleblower: Princess Iron Fan (rogue)

Reporting time: Year of Monkey, Year of Horse, Year of Dog and Year of Rooster.

Address: Bajiao Cave, Huoyun Mountain

Telephone: no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

(83847086)

Witnesses: Niu and Hong Haier.

10 Tang priest accepts disciples

The Monkey King was crushed by the Tathagata Buddha at the foot of Wuxing Mountain, and it was "Biwu", 500 years later.

Guanyin: Wukong!

Wukong: Shit! You again? You've been here once a week for 500 years. Do you know you are bored?

Guanyin: This is your fault. I came here today to tell you a good thing!

Wukong: If you don't let me out, it's impossible. I have my hands full right now. WWF invited me to be the image spokesperson, and Special Olympics invited Arnold. I just earned some pocket money.

Guanyin: But you are trapped at the foot of the mountain now?

Wukong: Dashan? If I hadn't given the Tathagata a little face, I would have turned into a fly and flew away. I just need to pay for living in other places. The scenery here is beautiful. When Guanyin MM comes to see me, I have to go to work during the day and come back to sleep at night?

Guanyin: Then why didn't you go to work today?

Wukong: Shit! Weekend, understand? Do you understand? )

Guanyin: Of course! (of course! )

Wukong: Then what did you come to tell me today?

Guanyin: Listen. (While speaking, he takes out a small notebook from his pocket) the Monkey King, male, made trouble in the Heaven 500 years ago and was crushed under the Five Elements Mountain. Now the aunts of the street management committee in Tianzhu area have all raised their hands and appointed this person as an apprentice of a monk in the Tang Dynasty. If you don't do what you want, stick him in the old wood, splash him with sulfuric acid, trample on his little ass, and cancel his login permission.

Wukong: What?

Guanyin: Shh ~

Wukong: Shh, shh?

Guanyin: Shit! Shh, your mother! I told you not to talk, that monk is coming! I want to go first!

Wukong: Huh? Is this the monk?

Tang Priest: According to the map, it should be here, right?

Wukong: Ah! You stepped on my hand!

Tang Priest: Oh, sorry, I didn't notice you, turtle.

Wukong: Tortoise?

Tang Priest: Really? But I really haven't seen a turtle like you with a big shell and an old monkey face.

Wukong: It seems that Guanyin is right. With your IQ, a person can't reach Tianzhu.

Tang Priest: Oh? You also know Guanyin? She must be the hottest MM in the local area. I wonder if you know there is a monkey named the Monkey King here?

Wukong: Here is my business card.

Tang Priest: Oh? Your name is the Monkey King, too? What a coincidence! Then you must know someone with the same name nearby?

Wukong: Shit! (nonsense! Think about it with your heel. You should think that I am the monkey you are looking for, right? I'm trapped under the mountain!

Tang Priest: Really? Don't lie to me. Do you think I'm a fool?

Wukong: Fool? Are you a fool? Are you praising yourself or calling a fool? How can you be such a stupid fool?

Tang Priest: Did you see this too? If I'm not stupid, who the fuck wants to do this job?

Wukong: OK, OK, now you go to the top of the mountain, take off the seal on it, and I can go with you to learn the scriptures.

Tang Priest: OK, you wait.

Wukong: Hey ~ Did you find it ~

Tang Priest: I found it ~ but I don't know which one is ~

Wukong: Shit! How many notes were posted on it?

Tang Priest: Many! If you want to be rich, you can plant many kinds of trees. Only one kind is good. You can't go to Stephen Chow community for nothing. There is no silver here. Photography is forbidden here, and offenders will be fined.

Wukong: Yes, yes, that's the photo.

Tang Priest: All right! I already took it off!

Wukong: OK! Go away!

Knock, knock, knock, knock.

Wukong: Further.

Hit, hook

Wukong: Further.

Hit, hook

Wukong: Further.

Tang Priest: Shit! Far away from India ~

Wukong: I'm coming out!

Tang Priest: Huh? The mountain didn't fall, so why did you come out?

Wukong: You climbed out of the cave and got a mountain?

Tang Priest: Did you climb out? Seals?

Wukong: it's just a formality ... in fact, the seal has already passed its shelf life and no one has come to replace it. After-sales service is really poor! Let's leave now.

Tang Priest: You are naked, aren't you?

Wukong: What's wrong with me?

Tang Priest: What happened to Mao? If I hadn't become a monk, I would have more hair than you! Here, put this on.

Wukong: Master, it's far from the Western Heaven. If you keep doing this, I'm afraid you won't get there.

Tang Priest: What's wrong?

Wukong: I'm really naked, but it won't help if you put this hoop on my head.

Tang Priest: Why so much nonsense? Put it on when I tell you to!

Wukong: Shit! If it weren't for Guanyin MM's face, I might kill you with a stick! (As he says, Wukong puts on a diamond ring)

Tang Priest: ▲※◆ ■■

Wukong:? My head!

Tang Priest: Ha ha ha! Are you scared?

Wukong: Is this a long-standing "shake your head curse" in Jianghu?

Tang Priest: Yes, once you have heard this mantra of shaking your head, you will be addicted to it immediately. If you don't listen for a day, your blood will flow backwards; If you don't listen for two days, your whole body will fester; If you don't listen for three days, you will suffer from deficiency of both qi and blood, chloasma on your face, enlarged prostate and menopausal symptoms. Even if you eat Gaizhonggai oral liquid produced by Harbin Pharmaceutical No.6 Factory, it won't save you!

Wukong: How vicious!

Tang Priest: Hehe, as the saying goes, no poison is not a husband, and a small amount is not a gentleman!

Wukong: I will listen to you from now on. You damn fool, what do you mean by "shaking your head"? I hate it!

Tang Priest: Not good!

Wukong: What's the matter?

Tang Priest: Tiger!

Wukong: Master, tigers are not terrible. Haven't you heard that poem?

Tang Priest: Poetry?

Wukong: Yes! As the saying goes, "12345 The tiger was shot up the mountain, but the tiger didn't eat it, only the big bad guy."

Tang Priest: Please, this is a children's song.

Wukong: I mean, the tiger will not die with me!

Tang Priest: Shit! I asked you to protect me, not to be an ambassador for wildlife protection organizations!

Wukong: I understand! Listen, all right!

Tang Priest: Wukong, why don't you go?

Wukong: There is a river ahead!

Tang Priest: What is a river? Why don't you just beat him to death?

Wukong: Look, this is the river.

Tang Priest: Oh, this is a river!

(While speaking, I saw a flash of white light, and Tang Priest's mount was gone. )

Tang Priest: Wukong, the horse for the teacher is missing!

Wukong: The horse is missing? Shit! What else can you do? Do you still have your underwear?

Tang Priest: (Stretching out his hand and touching it) Fortunately, I haven't lost it!

Wukong: captured by the little white dragon in the river!

Tang Priest: White Dragon? It's so exciting. I didn't expect to meet a talking monkey and a white dragon eating horses today.

Wukong: When will the big scene be seen? You wait, I'll go down and find him!

Tang Priest: What? Can you swim? It's amazing!

Wukong: pig water brain!

Soon, Wukong pulls the white dragon out of the water, and the white dragon turns into a human form and kneels in front of the Tang Priest. )

Bailong: Are you a monk from the East?

Tang Priest: Exactly.

Bailong: Master!

Tang Priest: Who? Me? Wrong person!

Bailong: Yes, that's you. Guanyin JJ told me to wait for you here.

Tang priest: Guanyin again? How did you get here?

Bailong: I was originally the third prince of the East China Sea Dragon King. I didn't expect my girl to hang a Kai Zi behind my back, and they left on my wedding night! I smashed the new house in a rage. I burned a night pearl, but I didn't expect this bead to be a gift from the Jade Emperor. The jade emperor punished me for saying tongue twisters, but I couldn't, so I was demoted here!

Wukong: Tongue twister? What do you mean?

Bailong: It means "the old monk carries the soup to the tower, and the tower slides with the soup and burns the tower".

Tang Priest: Oh? Isn't what you said quite good?

Bailong: Nonsense, I have been practicing here for more than fifty years!

Tang Priest: I see. How about I teach you a new one? "Eight hundred pacesetter run north slope, north slope artillery run side by side. The artillery did not dare to step on the pacesetter, and the pacesetter did not dare to touch the artillery gun. "

Wukong: What happened to the stopwatch? Say tongue twister again, I'm going to lose my temper!

Tang Priest: Wukong, you don't understand this. Tongue twister is a language game widely circulated among the people. Words with confusing initials, finals or tones are combined into overlapping sentences, which requires you to pronounce them quickly in one breath. When you are fast, your pronunciation is easy to make mistakes!

Wukong: Shit!

Tang Priest: Did you hit me again?

Wukong: Get to the point!

Bailong: Oh, I'm sorry, master. I ate your white horse, so let me turn into a white horse and carry it ~ Do you want to learn?

Tang Priest: Hum! Good idea! I want a BMW!

Bailong: Famous car!

Tang Priest: Are you afraid?

Director: Cut!

Tang Priest: Hey! No need, right? Every episode, you come out and stop?

Director: BMW! Our funds are running out. How can we get props for you?

Tang Priest: BMW, the best is only a few hundred thousand.

Director: hundreds of thousands? No, let alone a BMW. Puma can't afford it, can it?

Tang Priest: OK, again!

……

Bailong: Oh, I'm sorry, master. I ate your white horse, so let me turn into a white horse and carry it ~ Do you want to learn?

Tang Priest: Amitabha! (Tang Priest draws his sword from behind and points it at Tianyi)

Tang Priest: Give me strength ~ I am ~ Tang ~ monk ~

Wukong: Cyril?

Bailong: It's my turn!

(White Dragon Transforms)

Tang Priest: Mule!

Director: Sorry, the funds are really insufficient. We must change horses in the next episode.

Bailong: Then please change it to white. This black mule is bad for my image!

Tang Priest: Yes, who has ever seen Tang Priest go out on a mule?

Director: Ladies and gentlemen, let's make do. Dinner tonight is on me.

Bailong: OK, that's settled!

As the sun sets, Wukong carries the burden, and Tang priest rides a mule and walks towards the altar in the afterglow of the sunset.