Funny jokes

Classmate Li Xiaocong Series

1. Mathematics Class

Teacher Song QQ: "Classmate Li Xiaocong, memorize the formula of the Pythagorean Theorem."

Onion: "a square b square = c square"

Master Song: "Very good, but what evidence do you have to prove this theory?"

Onion: "Because this is the formula of the Pythagorean theorem!"

Master Song: "- -||| "

2. Mathematics class

Master Song: " Li Xiaocong, come up and do the first question."

Cong: "Oh."

After a while, I finished it.

Teacher Song took a look: "Why are there only answers? What's the process?"

Cong looked innocent: "Isn't it a short answer question..."

3. Mathematics class

Xiao Cong ignored the teacher's repeated advice and secretly ate lollipops in class

Master Song: "Classmate Xiao Cong, I told you not to eat lollipops in class." , why do you always keep going in the left ear and coming out the right ear? Can’t you remember what I say?"

Cong: "Teacher, I will take measures occasionally."

The next day, Master Song: "Li Xiaocong, why did you put so much cotton in your right ear?"

Cong: "Block your right ear, and what you say will not come out of your right ear." Out."

4. Biology class

Biology teacher: "Li Xiaocong, could you please tell me what would happen if a person loses his or her hearing?"

Onion: "..."

Teacher: "For example, if you are temporarily unable to hear, what will happen to you?"

Onion: " Then I can't hear your question, so I don't have to answer it." After saying that, he sat down.

Teacher: "T.T"

5. The four majors were mentioned in the Chinese class The famous novel Journey to the West

Teacher He: "Classmate Li Xiaocong, which character is your favorite? Why?"

Onion: "I like Sun Wukong the most! Because Sun Wukong has one hundred and eight thousand One kilometer of somersault!"

Teacher He: "..."

6. Chemistry exam paper, one question is as follows: "When heating a solution containing copper oxide When testing the test tube, the test tube burst, analyze the reason.

Shiao Cong smiled and replied: "Inferior test tube!"

7. Chemistry lecture paper, topic: Na2O2 is mixed with a sufficient amount of NaHCO3... ...

Shiao Cong: "Because there is a sufficient amount of NaHCO3, we come to the conclusion: there is a lot of NaHCO3."

8. A classmate translated "Crowing Rooster and Mulberry Tree Peak" : "The chicken crows so much that the mulberry trees tremble."

Onion: "The chicken should practice the roar of the lion in the east of the river!"

Attached is the correct translation: The chicken stands on the top of the mulberry tree and crows.

9. History class

Teacher: "Xiao Cong, tell me why Britain became the first country to have an industrial revolution?"

Cong: " There are two reasons why Britain can become the first country to have an industrial revolution. One is that Britain has such prerequisites and conditions, and the other is because other countries do not have such prerequisites and conditions."

The whole shift .

10. Psychology class test: What do you do when there is an old man in the car?

Cong: "Let's sit together!"

11. English class, Teach expanded vocabulary.

A word in Chinese is a suspect. Ask your classmates to write it down in their notes.

The English teacher walked to Cong and saw that Cong’s notes said, XXX- ---Salted rice

So the English teacher said again, XXX Chinese is the suspect.

Look at Cong again, Cong changed the note on the note to salted fish rice.

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English teacher.

12. English class

English teacher: "Classmate Li Xiaocong, when someone says to you You are a famous singer.

How do you answer?"

Xiao Cong: "Where where!"

13. Break.

A classmate said to Cong: "Look, my eyes Bigger than you!"

Onion: "As big as sesame seeds."

14. Onion came back wet.

A classmate asked: "Onion, what? Is that sweat or water?"

Onion: "Sweat!"

15. Physics class.

Physics teacher: "Classmates, we are the same species Charges repel each other, and charges of different types attract each other. Remember that."

Cong: "Charges really value sex over friends."

16. Break.

Fantuan told jokes to everyone.

Fantuan: "A man looked like a telephone, so he hung up while walking..."

Everyone~. approximately , take a look at my majestic appearance on the basketball court!"

Cong: "Okay, I'll give you a chance to see your handsome posture-"

18. Physics Class.

Teacher: "A classmate rubbed the penholder with his hair and it absorbed a lot of dandruff. What does this mean?"

Cong: "It means that classmate hasn't washed himself for a long time. My head is broken."

Teacher: "=.=|||"

19. Mathematics class.

A super complex geometry question that requires the verification of line segments The relationship between BF and GF.

Onion: "There is no doubt that BF and GF are lovers!"

20. Mathematics class.

A certain onion wants sugar. Obsessed. The math teacher was lecturing on it.

"Classmate Li Xiaocong! Please come and ask for X!"

Cong woke up from her sugar dream, stood up, and said: " F4? Oh! Are they the ones who played Meteor Garden? There are 4 of them, men. Thank you!"

The whole class...

21. Break.

A certain student couldn't solve a question and asked Xiao Cong for help. Cong said enthusiastically: "Oh! This! You first copy the question into the notebook, then draw a picture, and then verify it and it's OK!"

A certain student: "..."

22. Chinese class.

Examination.

There is a question: " Please draft an eye-catching slogan for the entrance of a certain community, with a customized theme."

Cong thought about it very seriously and wrote this sentence seriously: Wake up and come on~ ---- Eye-catching."

23. Break.

Xiao Cong was asked by the teacher, "Call Tan Chen to the office." Tan Chen, a certain

classmate Name.

Xiao Congda was surprised: Move the table to the office?

24. Let’s have a cold one.

Recess.

I just finished the exam.

A classmate asked Chong, "How did you think the test went?"

Cong said seriously: "The lowest score is 0 points and the highest score is 100 points!"

Fake

I’m so hungry from eating meat skewers today. Go to the hospital for a check-up, damn! This is rat meat, gutter oil & Sudan red, 7456! I'm going to sue him. The person next to me also said: "What kind of fast food restaurant is called 'Ken Technetium'? The stinky tofu they sell is fished out of the manure pit. It was so smelly that I was robbed by a swarm of flies before I could eat it. As a result, the flies were all over my body." Explosion! ”

“That ‘Pulse Crotch Lao’ wants my life too! ”

“The ‘Still Cockroach’ is really rotten!”

"I'm in such a miserable state! I went to 'Krypton Addiction' and got a bad stomach, and then I went to 'Renmin Yiyuan' and prescribed a bad medicine. What else did I write like, 'Long Tai dares to chaff, and sticks to virtue to provoke leprosy'?" He also said that medicine is shit!”

“Damn it, the ‘Qing aluminum spring testicle’ sold by ‘Huang Chu Bing Gu’ caused my intestines to perforate, my girlfriend’s chest ruptured, and her lungs collapsed.

But the guy at the hospital who put up a sign that said, "Cooking, Loan, and Compression" said he would be fine! "

Toilet

There are six rich men, namely a Japanese, a Russian, a French, a Norwegian, a German and an American.

They went to the mall together. Because they were rich, they had almost nothing to buy. Only those weird things could attract their attention. The six rich people were promoting the newly entered art toilet. They all stopped to watch.

After watching it for a while, one of them suggested: "Such a novel toilet is indeed very unusual. How about buying one and trying it?" "Because they are all rich, no one is left behind, and everyone plans to buy one back.

The Japanese love cleanliness, so they bought a "super hygienic toilet"; the Russians like things with texture, So I bought a "granite toilet"; the French valued art, so they bought a "painted toilet"; the Norwegians favored wood products, so they bought a "pure wood toilet"; the Germans advocated high technology, so they bought a "painted toilet" "Computer fully controlled toilet"; Americans prefer freedom and relaxation, so they bought a "musical toilet".

Six people happily transported the toilet home.

One month later , six people got together again in a business meeting. During the chat, the topic unknowingly turned to the toilet they purchased last time.

The Japanese were indignant and spoke first: "Damn it. I have returned the super hygienic toilet. The instruction manual says that the toilet will be automatically disinfected after each use. A plastic film is put on the toilet seat and the words "disinfected, please feel free to use" are spray-painted on it. But now the procedure was all messed up. Before I even stood up, it started spraying plastic film on my butt! I now have 'disinfected, please feel free to use' written on my butt! "

The Russians then complained: "I have returned the damn granite toilet. These people polished the granite too smooth. As soon as I sat on it, it immediately slipped and fell several times. It's another matter that it's not convenient. My butt is bruised.

The French were not to be outdone and cursed: "I also returned the damn painted toilet. The printing quality of the painted toilet is too bad. It keeps fading. Now all the paintings on the toilet seat are gone." The ass is up! "

The Norwegians were also furious: "I'm returning the damn wooden toilet too! What quality? I don’t know if there were any inspections when it left the factory, and they said it would be completely managed according to ISO9000. I couldn’t help but tell you, it’s full of wood scum! "

The Germans couldn't bear it anymore: "The damn computer-controlled toilet, I want to return it too! I don’t know what operating system I’m using, but it keeps crashing. I’m halfway through it when it starts shouting: ‘The toilet computer has crashed now. Please put on your pants and stand up, close the toilet seat, close the toilet seat, and then try again. Open the toilet lid, lift the toilet seat, take off your pants and sit down again, and the toilet computer will restart. Thanks! Technical support phone number is 12345678. 'snort! "

Finally it was the American's turn. He said angrily: "Damn musical toilet, I can't do it without returning it! Originally, it stored 3,000 songs and could be played randomly when convenient. However, nine times out of ten, it played the same song - the American national anthem, causing me to immediately pull up my pants and stand up to salute as soon as I sat down! "

Three ghosts

The three ghosts came to God and said in unison: "I died unjustly and should go to heaven!" "God: "I will only let the most unjust one go to heaven. Let me tell you how you died first. ”

A: “I am a cleaner. One day, I was sweeping the floor on the roof of an old, low-rise building without a security net, and accidentally fell down. I grabbed a sewer pipe, but the sewer pipe was pushed down by some bastard. Because the building was short, I didn't fall to death. As a result, a refrigerator fell from above and killed me. ”

B: “I went to someone else’s wife’s house to have an affair, but her husband came home and I hid in the refrigerator. As a result, the refrigerator seemed to have fallen from the window without a security net. Because of the refrigerator protection, I didn't die.

As soon as I came out, someone fell from above and killed me. ”

C: “When I went home, I saw my wife with another man from the window at home. I was so angry when I got home that I knocked down the sewer pipes, threw away the refrigerator, and had a big fight with my wife. As a result, I accidentally fell out of the window, hit my head on someone's head and died. ”

God: “You all died unjustly. Let’s all go to heaven.” ”

The secret of the toilet

Country A developed a spray toilet. Once, an envoy from country B came to country A and used their toilet and felt very comfortable. So B The country also wants to develop a spray toilet and show off to the envoy from country A: We also have a spray toilet! But the envoy from country A is coming on the second day and it is too late to make the toilet...

The envoy from country A I tried the toilet in country B, but I didn't expect that it not only sprayed water, but also had a towel to wipe my butt. In order to understand its structure, the messenger stood up and pressed the button again. The two hands of the towel stretched out from the toilet...

The Three Little Pigs

One day, the wolf wanted to eat the three little pigs. Two of the three little pigs were at the door. One is on the roof. (Pig 1 and Pig 2 are at the door, and Pig 3 is on the roof. Pig 1’s name is “Who”, Pig 2’s name is “Where”, and Pig 3’s name is “What”.) So wonderful There is a conversation.

Wolf: Who are you?

Pig 1: Yes

Wolf: What?

Pig 1: "What" is on the roof.

Wolf: What's your name?

Pig 1: My name is "Who"?

Wolf asked Pig 2 again: Who are you?

Pig 2: I am not "who", he is "who" (pointing to Pig 1)

Wolf. : Do you know him?

Pig 2: Yeah!

Wolf: Who is he?

Pig 2: Yes. Wolf: What?

Pig 2: "What" is on the roof!

Wolf: Where?

Pig 2: "Where" is me? >

Wolf: Who?

Pig 2: (Pointing to Pig 1 again)

How do I know? >Pig 2: Who are you looking for?

Wolf: What?

Pig 2: He is on the roof?

Where?

Pig 2: It's me.

Wolf: Who?

Pig 2: I am not "who", he is "who".

: Oh my God!

Pig 1·2: "Oh my God" is our father.

Wolf: What, is it your father?

Pig 2. : No!

The wolf couldn't bear it anymore and sighed: Why?

Pig 1·2·3: Do you know our grandfather?

Wolf: What?

Pig 1: No, our grandfather is "Why".

Wolf: Why?

Pig 1:

Wolf: What?

Pig 1: No.

Wolf: Who?

Pig 1: I am "who". >

Wolf: Who are you?

Pig 1: Yes, I am "who".

Wolf: What?

Pig 1·2: He is on the roof. …………

Reason for arrest

Someone yelled: "The President is an idiot!!!!!!!!!" As a result, he was arrested, but the charge was not "insult" President", but "revealing high-level national secrets"!

Intention

Someone sent a text message to a friend saying: "I want to send you a red envelope!" He was very happy, but later he became unhappy. The next page of the original text message read: “I have sent a mosquito.

"

Antonyms

One day, the teacher walked into the classroom, and the students stood up and shouted: "Good morning, teacher!

The teacher said angrily: "Just say good morning?" What about my afternoon? Isn't it bad?

So the students shouted again: "Good afternoon, teacher!"

The teacher said angrily: "What about me at night?"

The students shouted again: "Have a good evening, teacher!"

The teacher nodded and said, "That's enough. Now shout it again!"

The students shouted in unison: "Good morning, teacher, good afternoon, and good evening!" "

The teacher said: "Sit down! Today we are going to review antonyms. We practice like this. I say one thing and you say the antonyms out loud. Start now. "

Teacher: "The weather is very good today. ”

Student: “The weather is very bad today. "

Teacher: "The sun is shining everywhere. ”

Student: “There are clouds everywhere. ”

Teacher: “There are huge crowds of people on the road. ”

Student: “There is no one on the road. ”

Teacher: “Young. ”

Student: “Old. ”

Teacher: “Stand. "

Student: "Lie down"

Teacher: "There is a young man standing on the road. ”

Student: “There was a young man lying down on the road. ”

Teacher: “I picked up one yuan.” ”

Student: “I lost one dollar.” "

Teacher: "I picked up one yuan and gave it to the teacher. ”

Student: “I lost one yuan and went to steal the teacher.” ”

Teacher: “Wrong, you can’t say that!” ”

Student: “Correct, that’s how it should be said!” ”

Teacher: “Wrong. ”

Student: “Correct. ”

Teacher: “This is not okay, this is illegal!” ”

Student: “That’s okay, it’s legal!” "

Teacher: "I said it was wrong. ”

Student: “We said it is correct. "

Teacher: "Listen to the teacher, what the teacher says is correct! "

Student: "Listen to us, everything the teacher said is wrong! "

Teacher: "You are stupid. ”

Student: “We are smart. "

Teacher: "Stop! ”

Student: “Continue!” ”

Teacher: “Stop now!” Stop talking! ”

Student: “Let’s continue now! More to say! ”

Teacher: “You stupid pigs, I say stop!” ”

Student: “We are all geniuses, we say continue!” ”

Teacher: “You listen to the teacher!” ”

Student: “Teacher, listen to us! ”

Teacher: “Students must listen to the teacher!” ”

Student: “Teachers must listen to their students!” ”

Teacher: “Stop practicing now! ”

Student: “Now let’s continue practicing!

Teacher: "Are you done?" ”

Student: “We have a beginning and an end!” ”

Teacher: “Then stop!” idiot! ”

Student: “Then we should continue!” genius! "

....Then the teacher walked out of the classroom angrily holding the book in his arms

Misunderstanding

One day the blind man and the lame man went out to do errands on bicycles. The blind man Riding, the lame man looked at the road, and suddenly a deep ditch appeared on the road. The lame man screamed: "Ditch, ditch, ditch!" "As a result, the blind man thought he was singing, and sang back: "Oh kind, oh kind, oh kind! "As a result, the blind man and the lame man fell into the ditch together!

The consequences of not understanding

A prostatologist met an airplane pilot. Because the language was different, he had to make gestures.

The doctor made the "1" gesture.

The driver made the "5" gesture.

The doctor made a "very small" gesture.

The driver made a "big" gesture.

The doctor made a "down" gesture.

The driver made the "up" gesture.

The doctor went home and said: "There is something wrong with that man! I said the man has a small, drooping prostate. He said the man has five large, upward-facing prostates!!!"

The driver went home and said: "There is something wrong with that man! I said our airport has five planes, the airport is big, and the planes fly upward. He said their airport has only one plane, the airport is small, and the plane flies downward Fly!!”

The American child asked the Chinese child: “How do you say thank you and thank you in Chinese?”

"You're talking nonsense! How can you say shit shit when you say thank you, and bull shit when you don't thank me?!"

The boss said to his subordinates: "You must report (money) in advance."

" I went to be a turtle."

"Who am I going to imitate?"

"I want to drink some water." Don't drink too fast."

"I want to fly quickly."

"You are really bad."

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"You are right." "You are very well-behaved."