It makes me laugh out loud for 1.3 billion people, but you are the only one missing to say something funny.

Funny quotes about 1.3 billion people laughing out loud:

Widows are most afraid of long nights, and bachelors are afraid of sleeping on a cold bed

The less afraid of frivolity, the more afraid of madness and poverty Afraid of short ambition, fear of wealth and stolen goods

A loyal minister is afraid of an unjust ruler, a filial son is afraid of a bad father

A good wife is most afraid of a reckless husband, a lonely child is afraid of his stepmother

Chickens are afraid Weasels are afraid of otters, melons are afraid of mugwort grains and frost

House leaks are afraid of continuous rain, sheepfolds are broken and they are afraid of jackals

Grass is afraid of cold dew, frost and sun, heroes are afraid of gangsters

People are afraid of meeting debt collectors on the street, and enemies are afraid of meeting strangers

When you are proud, you are afraid of being frustrated, and when you are frustrated, you are even more afraid of being stabbed in the back

False love is afraid of being a fair-weather friend. Afraid of longevity

Loving couples are afraid of adversity, and having a son in old age is afraid of death

Gentlemen are most afraid of small people's ambitions, and ordinary people are afraid of rising prices

Business management is afraid of family. Mahjong robbery and fear of being the boss

What are netizens afraid of? Power outages are a real disaster

Businesses are afraid of fraud, officials are afraid of corruption, and companies are afraid of random distribution of stalls

We are not afraid of employees being uneasy, but we are afraid that the boss is heartless

We are afraid of peeling bamboo shoots, afraid of cutting meat, and we are afraid of having to stretch our hands too much

We are not afraid of the tax bureau coming to collect taxes, but we are afraid that everyone will charge us arbitrary fees

Men are afraid of chaos, women are afraid of being mean, and couples are afraid of changing their minds

If you are not afraid of having no money at home, you are afraid of extramarital affairs

If you are not afraid of estrangement between husband and wife, Afraid of a third party

Afraid of pretending, afraid of counterfeit goods, and afraid of being deceived by customers

Not afraid of climbing, not afraid of comparison, just afraid of being polite every month

Doctors are afraid of the dark, medicines are afraid of being expensive, and people are really afraid of medical expenses

They are not afraid of occasionally getting sick, but they are afraid of the hospital’s quick knife

They are not afraid of fake products that cannot be used, but they are most afraid of fake products. The goods cost people's lives

The dramas are afraid of dirty, the films are afraid of pornography, and the movies are afraid of her having sex

I am not afraid of adults watching pornographic discs, but I am afraid that children will follow suit

The sky is floating Just five words,

One day is nothing;

I wave my hand to the sky,

That’s nothing!

A broken pot has its own broken lid,

Foolish people have their own fools to love!

It’s time to eat and drink,

Don’t take it to heart!

If you have wine today, you will be drunk today,

A heartless person will not be tired;

Do whatever you want,

Live my spirit!

Other funny stories:

1. Xiao Ming did not do well in the exam. When he got home, his father saw him and beat him severely. He went to complain to his mother and said: Someone beat him What will you do to your son? The mother immediately replied: I will beat whoever hits my son. Tell me who hit you. The son said: It’s okay. I’ll just ask...

2. My wife and I took our five-year-old son to the vegetable market and went to the public restroom. My son and I came out first. My wife called: I didn’t bring any paper. Please send my son as soon as possible! I asked my son to take the paper and send it to me. When the naughty boy got to the door, he ran back and said: Dad, you better go, I'm too embarrassed to enter the women's room!

3. I am a kindergarten teacher. The naughty children in the kindergarten are very awesome. One of them made a big mistake today. I asked him to carry the bag and go home. Unexpectedly, this guy picked up the bag, grabbed my legs and started howling: Teacher, I love you, I really love you, don’t drive me away~~~ I laughed immediately, this was the first time in more than 20 years. Chi Guoguo’s confession!

4. A close friend went on a blind date, but soon he came back with a depressed look on his face. He asked how the situation was and said it didn’t work out.

Later I found out that the reason was that the girl was wearing high heels when they met and stepped on the stairs. He could have held her back, but considering that it was not appropriate for the first meeting, he just watched her fall, and the way she fell was too funny. , his first reaction was hahaha. After laughing enough, he saw that the girl’s mother’s face turned dark.

5. I have a little nephew at home, and I have to have barbecue this day. My brother gave him a braised chicken wing. He wouldn't eat it while holding it in his hand, but insisted on eating barbecue. It annoyed my brother and I simply ignored him, and he kept crying. In the end, I couldn't stand it any longer and went over to him, took out his chicken wings, took out a lighter and lit them before returning them to him. He took it and ran away happily.

6. A girl is very pretentious and always posts some comments on social media. My best friend can’t stand it. One day, the girl posted a comment: If I disappear one day, who will look for me all over the world? I! Then I saw my best friend’s reply: Black and white are impermanent. .

7. I took my five-year-old daughter to the mall and bought her a set of checkered clothes. My daughter was very happy and showed off her clothes in the mall. The sales assistants praised the beautiful clothes. This is what an older sister said: Oh, isn’t this Little Gege! After the daughter stood still, she said: Auntie Rong, if you open your eyes, it is Gege me.

8. Once, I and a fat classmate came out from the canteen after eating. It was a rainy day and the road was slippery. When I went down the steps, the fat man’s feet fell. Slip, he sat on the ground. The fat man stood up and patted his butt and said it was okay. At this time, a girl next to him said weakly: Classmate, the tiles are broken

9. I changed my job and today is my first day work. I saw someone waving to me while driving, which was strange but I didn’t think much of it. After passing another intersection, I saw two beautiful women waving to me. I was wondering, what is going on today? When I saw someone waving to me again, I finally realized that I was driving a taxi

10. My brother told his niece the story of "Little Red Riding Hood", in which Little Red Riding Hood successfully rescued her grandmother from the belly of the big bad wolf. When she was rescued, her brother asked her: Have you realized what you have learned? She said: Chew everything you eat

11. On the first date, it was very cold that day. The girl deliberately didn’t wear a coat, wanting to give the boy a chance to show off. When they were halfway through the date, the girl said: It’s so cold today! I forgot to wear a coat. The boy said: It’s okay, it’s okay, I remembered to wear it, otherwise it would really happen. Just like you, it's freezing

12. My wife called: Hello, husband, we have a project. I am in charge of bidding. The construction will be divided into 4 sections at the same time. Due to the tight deadline, we can proceed directly. There is still one bidding section for field construction. Do you want to consider whether to do it? My husband who was out shopping suddenly became very excited: What kind of project is it? Is it easy to collect payment? Wife: Easy to collect, no advance payment, on-site settlement. My husband was overjoyed: What kind of project? Wife: Playing mahjong, three are missing and one is missing.

13. The father told his son a story: The uncle asked Xiao Yang to chop wood. Unexpectedly, Xiao Yang cut down the uncle’s favorite peach tree. The uncle was very angry when he saw it but did not scold him. You Do you know why? The son replied: Maybe it's because Xiaoyang still holds an ax in his hand. So I dare not scold him.

14. One day in class, the teacher asked the classmate to answer a question. The classmate stood up and held it in for a long time before he could say a word. I whispered B. But the classmate thought for a while and said: C. Class Later, I asked him if he didn’t trust me. He said: At that time, my mouth was full of dry noodles, and when I said B, I sprayed them all.

15. My girlfriend is a violent player, and she always treats me It's all a big fight. Yesterday she was in a good mood and said to me: Husband, I am happy today, you must do something to move me, otherwise I will beat you! I almost cried and said: Wife, stop talking nonsense, how dare I touch you.

16. When I was in high school, I looked more like another boy in my class and had a similar figure. He had a girlfriend, and after studying in the evening, he and his girlfriend held hands and walked on the street, and the class teacher saw him in the car. Then the next day, Nima! I invited my parents.

17. The dormitory is on the sixth floor. When I climbed up, I found that I didn’t bring the key. I went downstairs and asked my aunt to get it. Then I climbed up to open the door. I went down to return the key. I climbed up again and found that the door was closed. A classmate next door passed by. , asked: I see your door is not closed, I will close it for you.

18. My daughter is 4 years old. She is always curious about this and that. Once she pestered me and asked her where she came from. I couldn’t resist, so I lifted up my clothes and asked her to look at my belly where I had a C-section. I thought I could educate her about the scar and let her know how difficult it is to be a mother, so I said: You gave it to me. My daughter was puzzled: I didn’t. This is where you asked the doctor to take it out. I said, my daughter was shocked: In your belly? I said: Yes. My daughter burst into tears, her mother is a monster, her mother is a monster, she ate me! Crying and running to find her father!

19. Before going to bed, my daughter wanted to eat an apple. I coaxed her and said: There are bugs in the apple. Mom will wash off the bugs before you eat it tomorrow. Daughter: Mom, please let me eat it quickly. All the apples will be eaten by bugs tomorrow.

20. There is a long queue in front of the toilet. Mr. X: I can’t hold it in anymore. Can you let me go first? The person in front clenched his fists and squeezed out a sentence through his teeth: At least you can still speak!

21. A farmer’s daughter was so ugly that he had to let her go to the cornfield as a scarecrow to scare crows. Not only did she scare away the crows, but three crows were so frightened that they sent some corn back.

22. When we were traveling in our carriage, a goddess-like girl came next to us. She was tall and had a good figure. She suddenly said to me when she was carrying luggage: Handsome man, can you put it away for me? I can't reach it. I was so excited that I stood up and suddenly realized that I was not as tall as a girl. . .

23. The teacher asked Xiao Ming, Shuang Shuang, and Li Hua standing outside the classroom: Tell me honestly what you three did in class. Xiao Ming: point out the country and inspire words, and the dung and dung are the same as those of thousands of households. Teacher: Speak in human language. Xiao Ming: Fighting Landlords. Teacher: Stand outside for a day.

24. When the express company called me just now to pick up the express, I was excited for a while. Because I randomly copied three uncommon words as the recipient's name, just to see how embarrassed the courier boy would be if he couldn't pronounce the name. But the reality is that I saw a scheming-looking man sitting in a courier car hugging my package tightly and looking at me with contempt. Then asked: What's your name? I'll give it to you only if it matches the package.

25. One night, I called home. It was my mother who answered the call. She didn't even recognize my voice and asked me who I was. Forget it. Then I called mom, and my mom agreed, and then asked: Who are you? I was speechless for a moment, and I said: Besides me, do you have other daughters? I am also drunk when I meet such a mother. . .

26. The matchmaker complained to Yue Lao: Grandpa, fewer and fewer people come to worship at our Yue Lao Temple. Yue Lao sighed: They all went to worship at the Earth Temple. The matchmaker was puzzled: Why? Mr. Yue patted her head and said: I am in charge of real estate. How can I hold the red line if I don’t have a house?

27. A girl from a kindergarten teacher was given away by a boy in the class. Send a card to the girl he likes. Then....Teacher, does Xixi’s hairpin look good? I gave it to her. It’s beautiful. Why don’t you give it to the teacher? I want that too. Let’s wait until you are so good-looking! . . .

28. I have a child, I am quite handsome, and my family is quite prosperous. Three years ago, he had a flash marriage with a girl and divorced two months later. He remarried on May Day last year and divorced six months later. I was his best man both times. Last night, I was drinking beer and watching TV, and my buddy called me and said he was getting married on New Year's Day. I said without thinking: Are you done yet?

29. I have a second-rate wife at home. I have recently made up my mind to lose weight and will not eat sweet things.

Yesterday, I saw some uneaten chocolate in the refrigerator. I swallowed and struggled, and finally insisted on letting me eat one. As soon as I stuffed it into my mouth, I saw her squatting next to me and saying pitifully: Is it delicious? Smell it for me! Smell it for me! Smell it!

30. When I was eating yesterday, I picked up a piece of meat. Just as I was about to bite it, it fell at my dad’s feet. My dad picked it up with a distressed look on his face, blowing and wiping it with his hands. After wiping it, I looked at my dad and thought, my parents’ generation was still very frugal. Just when I thought my dad was going to eat it, he stuffed the piece of meat into me with lightning speed. mouth. . . qq is funny and makes me laugh so much

qq is funny and makes me laugh so much

1. A true showman dares to face his own shameless face.

2. A thousand-mile horse often exists, but a female thousand-mile horse does not often exist.

3. Carve loneliness on the wine bottle, drink it into your bladder, urinate it out, and let loneliness spread all over the floor!

4. God arranged for me to be a passionate person, but also arranged for me to encounter countless unfeeling people, so I eventually tempered myself into a passionate person. Others are loved by everyone, but I am loved by everyone.

5. In life, everyone is an actor, and those who pretend to be B are just the best among them.

6. If you don’t like it, shut your mouth and give you a careful beating.

7. The wind was so strong that it affected all my mobile phone signals to China Unicom’s!

8. Brother, you have won, the people on earth can no longer stop you!

9. Homework is committing sin, and doing more homework is committing more sin.

10. A heartless person can live a hundred years. With a clear conscience, life is not tiring.

11. A true warrior dares to look at his uneven face.

12. Do you think I will watch you die? I'll close my eyes.

13. Rumor: The quality of the teacher’s lectures directly determines the traffic this month.

14. People, this life is like singing an opera, which is always bumpy and difficult to sing well.

15. Regarding my sweet dreams, I can only say that I am always awakened by urine.

16. The world has changed now, and sanitary napkins are too expensive to afford.

17. Being calm means that even if you get lost, you won’t let others see that you can’t find your home.

18. Life is about laughing, crying, missing, being narcissistic, and secretly living by yourself.

19. Why are some men afraid of their wives? It’s not just about longing for a harmonious and stable home.

20. Women, remember that the final destination of Youlemei is the trash can.

21. There will be bread, but after having bread, I discovered that I actually wanted to eat sausages more.

22. A wonderful you, a wonderful him, a wonderful life depends on everyone!

23. Not every milk is called Sauternes, and not everyone is as pure as me.

24. Sleep in class, make noise after class, and fail in exams.

25. Looking at you, I don’t even know how to write customization.

26. Did your mother also say this: You and your father have the same virtues.

27. Sometimes if you don’t solve your own problems, you will be solved by them.

28. A man who is like stinky tofu smells bad and eats deliciously. This is called having connotation.

29. If you belong to me, then you belong to me alone. I don’t like sharing with others.

30. The most famous woman in history is not Pan Jinlian or Wu Zetian, but Grandma Rong.

31. Donor, if you bully the poor man, you are not giving Jesus face!

32. In fact, the things you lose have never really belonged to you, so there is no need to regret it.

33. Do you think I am a prostitute, or do you think you are a client.

34. Tomorrow comes tomorrow. There are so many tomorrows. Since there are so many, you might as well put it off any longer.

35. Be grateful for everything, learn to be grateful, and be grateful to everyone who makes you grow.

36. Behind a successful chef. There must be a knife silently supporting you from behind.

37. When I woke up in the morning, I thought I had grown up, but it turned out that the quilt was stuck horizontally.

38. I don’t look at you, I’m afraid, because I saw the shit in your eyes yesterday.

39. If I had known that it was so difficult to find a girlfriend, I would have arranged to kiss her.

40. It is said that falling in love affects learning. Doesn’t studying affect falling in love?

41. I don’t like taking pictures, I just try the pixels of my mobile phone occasionally!

42. You must chat with me, otherwise, I will write your name on the monument.

43. I want to improve my life. I don’t want to eat noodles, I want to eat instant noodles.

44. The wind is rustling and the water is cold. A strong man beats a dog and it will never come back.

45. The day of the high school entrance examination is the Dragon Boat Festival. It’s up to you whether to eat rice dumplings or jump into the river.

46. A big woman cannot be without power for a day, and a little woman cannot be without money for a day!

47. Posturing is a symbol of vitality, and vanity is a sign of youth.

48. Others have already plucked out all the flowers and twists of grass before they could get enough of them.

49. Your Majesty, do you still remember Doraemon on the banks of Daming Lake eighteen years ago?

50. The only thing I can afford to hold and put down is chopsticks.

51. Women like two flowers in their lives: one is to spend money when they have it, and the other is to spend it as much as possible.

52. Lose the chain when it is critical, but do not lose the chain when it is not critical.

53. Your explanation is a cover-up, what you cover up is the fact, and the fact is the beginning of sin.

54. From the bottom of my heart, I said to my air conditioner that it’s great to have you, how can I live without you!

55. The so-called holiday means that your family is being criticized, you have no money when you go out, and you are very free every day. Diaoyu Island Poetry: Diaoyu Island is the heart and soul of the 1.3 billion compatriots

Diaoyu Island is a drop of China’s boiling blood

Diaoyu Island is a drop of China’s boiling tears

Diaoyu Island is a drop of China’s blood Angry Fist

The Diaoyu Islands are a Chinese anti-Japanese warship

The Diaoyu Islands are a Chinese blood-rich book

The Diaoyu Islands are a Chinese lion's roar

The Diaoyu Islands are the roar of China’s earthshaking dragon

The Diaoyu Islands are the heart and soul of the 1.3 billion compatriots

The Diaoyu Islands are the treasures in the palms of the fifty-six nationalities

Diaoyu Island——

We sprinkle it with blood

Your holy body

Paint one side

Bright five stars Red flag

The five-star red flag is fluttering in the wind

The five-star red flag is fluttering on the beautiful Diaoyu Islands

The five-star red flag is fluttering in the wind

The five-star red flag is fluttering on the beautiful Diaoyu Islands

... Wow, are you laughing or are you fainting?

1. The most awesome person I have ever seen is a cyclist scolding a truck driver: You are looking for death. Woolen cloth!

2. Psychologist: Your problem is that you are a bit competitive, but it doesn’t matter. I was similar to you when I was young.

Patient: Impossible, you are definitely not as competitive as me.

3. Taking a taxi, while waiting at the red light, the driver said:

I was stunned by a sentence.

He said: Grass, where is this? !

4. I am an installer and I was installing it outdoors today. It rained, so I told the landlord that I would install it tomorrow because I was afraid of leakage!

Landlord: I will open my business tomorrow, so why worry about electricity leakage? I don’t need that much electricity!

Me. . .

5. I fell in love with a very tight hip-hugging skirt and asked my best friend if it looked good.

My best friend said: This kind of clothes is suitable for rich people, not for poor people like you.

I really regret that I was too willful and didn’t listen to my best friend and bought a skirt. Now I always jump on the bus.

6. I went to buy watermelon. I told the boss that I couldn’t finish the big watermelon by myself. Can I just buy part of it?

The boss said yes, I will cut it for you as much as you want.

I said no skin, but everything else.

The boss looked at the knife for cutting the watermelon. . .