Short sketches related to design engineering

Jinan Linghang TEDA Celebration Company: The contemporary satirical sketch script "Sick Project"

Summary: Criticizes common diseases in projects, such as: collusion between government and businessmen, illegal contracting; "Performance projects" and "gift projects" that cut corners, shoddy products, and disregard quality.

Features: Few characters, plenty of room for actors to recreate.

Character: Contractor, male, 40 years old, nicknamed "Six Liang Oil".

Village chief, male, 45 years old.

Time: Noon on a certain day

Place: Home of the contractor

(The contractor hums a tune and serves the food)

Pack: Me Get a few people to build a building and keep up with the money-making climate. My brother has connections in the city. He is the manager and I am the contractor. In recent years, the development of rural areas has been recharged. I have sharpened my brains to make money. I have built schools, shops, roads and hospitals. As long as I am in this area, I can do all the work (beat my chest)! Why, you ask? Let me tell you, it's not because we do a good job, it's because someone in the county is convinced, and there are a lot of opinions in the village. Guess what, there is nothing we can do. (While talking, he is holding bowls, chopsticks, wine bottles, wine glasses, etc.) He has gained weight these years! No, my name is Lu Liangyou, Lu from the land, kind-hearted Liang, friendly friend, but everyone says that I am very good at stealing and expropriating money. A pound of meat can shave off six liang of oil, so they call me Liuliang of oil openly and secretly. That's it, just don't call it gutter oil. (While talking, he pours his own drink) The kindergarten has just been inspected two days ago. I earned more than 100,000 yuan just by shortening the construction period. My wife went back to her parents' house and my son went to a restaurant. I rewarded myself and made him happy.

(Village Chief appears)

Village: Something big happened! It has just been a day since the kindergarten opened. Today we are having a party together. There is a bang of gongs and drums, bum-bum, bum-this is not a cymbal. Three pieces of the ceiling fell, and four children were injured. The secretary immediately reported the case, and the project If there is a quality problem, Liuliang Oil is the suspect. I quickly rushed to the city gate to prevent him from fleeing in fear of crime. If he also sneaks away abroad for 12 years, what will I, the village chief, do? (Towards the curtain side) Xiao Zhang and Xiao Li watch the north and south doors, Xiao Liu and Xiao Zhao pay attention to the east and west windows, don't let him escape. I went in first to stabilize him, and waited for the police to come and handle him according to law.

(The village chief rings the doorbell)

Village: Are you at home with six ounces of oil?

Bao: Who is it? (Open the door) Hey, village chief! Which gust of wind brought you here?

Village: Feng, it’s Feng, I’m blocking your arrival.

Bao: What did you say? Is that broken lock at school broken again?

Cun: No, I...I brought you work again. What, the village needs to build a cultural activity center, a large auditorium, where movies can be shown, and a public trial can be held...

Bao: A public trial?

Cun: No, it’s that father-in-law... aunt... Oh, it’s the father-in-law meeting, the one held by a man and a woman.

Bao: That’s called a dance party.

mura: Yes, it’s a dance.

Bao: How much are you prepared to invest?

Village: It’s tens of millions.

Bao: (Secretly happy) I made some money again! (Pretending) Aren’t you always opposed to using me as a team that only knows how to build a chicken coop? What's going on today...

Cun: Look at what you said, we have been working together for so many years, who doesn't know your virtues?

Bao: What did you say?

Cun: I mean, who doesn’t know your background? Your brother is a general manager and a member of the county CPPCC. He drives a Mercedes-Benz and rides a BMW. He is a famous stumbling block in our county!

Bao: Huh?

Cun: I mean the most famous one is his blue Land Rover.

Bao: Do ??you understand everything?

Village: It’s clear.

Bao: Then let’s work together again. Come, let's have a few drinks together.

(Add bowls, chopsticks, and wine glasses. In the following dialogue process, add clinking glasses, drinking, picking up food, and words such as "dry", "pour wine", and "full")

Village :OK. It's hard to say that your brother's ability is really lacking.

Bao: That is. My brother Lu Lianghu, known as Lu Laohu, there is no drum in our county that he cannot beat.

Cun: That’s right, that’s right, how can he be so capable?

Bao: Have you heard of the "Three Character Classic"?

Cun: In the beginning, human beings are inherently good...

Bao: What! The "Three Character Classic" only has three characters.

Village: Which three characters?

Bao: Let me tell you, the first word is "wine". On the wine table, I am on the left hand side, turning right, fully closed, with a spinner, a big cup! It shook after a few clicks. My brother took the small one, drank it slowly, and spoke slowly in slang, (gesturing to the cup in his hand) This is it, do you see, this is called a "four-ball cup", it will be full of balls as soon as you pour it, and it will spill the ball as soon as you touch it. You'll be hooked in one bite, and drunk in a daze. Ha ha! First take off their gentleman's cloak. Then we went to the karaoke bar and continued drinking, took a sauna and continued drinking. When I woke up... I woke up... I said I would drink some other time.

Village: Then you can’t drink yourself to death?

Bao: If you want to survive, just do as I say! Do you know, I am not afraid, I have anti-hangover medicine, and I have also trained two wine companions. Each person can supply two bottles of Erguotou a day, and the business training expenses are reimbursed. Haha, in this way, 2% of the problem can be solved at the wine table. thirty.

Cun: What about the second word?

Bao: The second word is "bed".

Village: Bed? Go to bed after drinking? A bunch of drunkards!

Bao: Look, you started thinking about it as soon as I mentioned the bed. Do you know how much of the direction of the world situation can be reversed in bed? Do you know how much of a cadre’s fate is decided in bed? Do you know how many of my projects were completed on my bed? Let me tell you, all important matters are decided more in bed than in the office!

Cun: Isn’t that just a crooked way? You even said I was thinking wrongly.

Bao: No, the first thing we see is the role of the wife. One day is a blessing for a husband and a hundred days.

Village: Pillow style has great effect. The husband is in power and the wife is in charge.

Bao: Hey - the second thing is to arrange a confidante. Who says belated love is not love? The most beautiful thing is the red sunset.

Cun: Typical "Xiaosan'er is right" theory, you are crooked!

Bao: It’s not an excuse, it’s a threat. The third step is exposure. How can it really be exposed, but everyone is afraid of exposure, right? Revolutionary cadres want a future and face, and sexy news is extremely lethal!

Village: Sugar-coated bullets, the picture is so poor!

Bao: "Bed" is an important position for us. Since ancient times, officials have taught us many lessons and we have more experience; An eagle has broken wings, a tiger has lost its teeth, a rooster has laid eggs, and a fifty-year-old calls me uncle.

Village: Gentle trap, deadly trap!

Pack: Fatal? Not fatal. The "bed" can only solve 30 to 40% of the problems.

Village: Only thirty or forty percent?

Bao: Ah. How much time do people spend in bed during their lifetime? Just thirty or forty percent.

Cun: What kind of argument is this?

Bao: The key is that there is one more word.

Cun: I know this word, it is "money".

Bao: vulgar, too vulgar. Who raises the money these days? Money will depreciate, money will dirty your hands, and money will make people breathless. You see how troubled the U.S. national debt is. Obama coordinated the two parties to discuss the past, discuss the past, discuss the past...

Cun: Okay, okay, stop drinking. Please tell me what that word is first.

Bao: There are too many things in one word, even money, not money.

Village: Car?

Bao: Yes. You must have a wife’s car, a child’s car, a work car, a daily life car, a city car, and an off-road vehicle. The car brand also needs to be thoughtful, it has to be a lucky number, it has to be divided into odd and even numbers, there are parking spaces, vehicle and boat taxes...

Village: What else?

Bao: (As he drank more and more, he became excited) There is still a card! There are bank cards, insurance cards, shopping cards, entertainment cards, fitness cards, birthday cards, membership cards, gas cards, warranty cards, transit cards, restaurant cards, bus cards, study abroad cards, makeup cards...

Village: What kind of pimp?

Bao: It’s a beauty card.

It is simply a card world now.

Village: Why don’t you get stuck?

Bao: You are right, we just want to trap you and make you do things for us with pride. Don't look at my brother nodding and slouching with them all day long. He said, who knows who is a dog.

Village: You are too scary!

Bao: What’s this? I still have a room! That's called real estate. The card costs you less, and the house maintains and increases in value. One set in the east, one set in the west, your third uncle, his nephew, your in-laws' sister-in-law, and his fourth uncle's godson, as long as they need it.

Cun: Then you won’t compensate Dafa?

Bao: Compensation? snort! It's all the country's money. I have given you several "words", and I am just waiting to exchange them for you.

Village: What two words?

Bao: One is land and the other is work. With land, everything is available; with work, money is enough. This is called the wool coming from the sheep, the country pays the bill, and we develop together to achieve mutual benefit and win-win.

Village: Aren’t you afraid of investigation by the relevant departments?

Bao: What are you afraid of? The "relevant departments" are authoritative to scare the people, but for us, they are just saying "they say they are relevant and don't care". Now the brave ones are supported to death, and the timid ones are starved to death. If the sky falls, there will be tall people who can hold it up. Do you think the XX building in XX city is stylish? It is built opposite the city hall and is an illegal building. Do you think the villa complex in XX County is big? That is illegal development; do you think it is important to build a bridge on the Yangtze River? It still collapsed. Who cares about us?

Village: (angry) Borers, a bunch of black-hearted worms!

Bao: Are you in a hurry? Don't be impatient, drink, drink, for so many years, although you don't like me, you haven't recruited anyone, let alone you, the village has not recruited anyone either. Over the years I have been hanging out in the village, and I have earned this amount (stretch out five fingers to gesture)... I won’t tell you, I won’t tell you, even if I beat you to death, I won’t tell you.

Cun: We all know this, six taels of oil per pound is deducted.

Bao: What does six taels of oil count? Just ten days ahead of schedule for the kindergarten renovation, I made a profit...hehe! Beautiful!

(The village chief was angry and slapped the table and shouted)

Village: You are so beautiful! Sixty ounces of oil, cutting corners in the decoration of your kindergarten has caused an accident. Four children were injured in the morning. Now their life and death are unknown. You can't escape the law!

(The foreman was so drunk that he woke up)

Bao: Don’t blame me for this, the advance deadline. Then the township head said, what is the most important thing in the 21st century? Education! We have to start education early. I must ensure that it is completed before June 1st, and County Magistrate Li will come to cut the ribbon.

Village: Are you going to sacrifice the quality of the project and the lives of the children if you rush to meet the deadline? ah? !

Bao: Huh? ! Someone was killed! Then I'll run away quickly.

Village: You can’t run away! Xiao Zhang, Xiao Liu, Xiao Li, Xiao Zhao. (Behind the scenes: Arrival) You heard it, you are surrounded by us!

Bao: (Confused) Surrounded? Is it a guerrilla? Me, am I a traitor?

Village: Yes! You are a traitor and a worm in the new era. You must honestly confess your crime and seek leniency.

Bao: I confess, I confess, I corrupted and won over the Eighth Route Army, oh no, revolutionary cadres.

Village: Also.

Bao: I cut corners and shoddy materials.

Village: Be specific.

Bao: That means buying bricks and tiles from the black brick kiln, instead of using medium sand, use soil sand; use aluminum instead of copper for wires, use small workers instead of big workers, use defective decoration materials, use scrap water heating lamps, etc. That - replace the thick steel bars with thin ones, spread the thin steel bars more sparsely, mix less cement, lower the grade, dig the foundation shallower, choose softer solid wood, and make the ground thinner. Make the bay a little lower, little by little, (holding shoulders with the village chief) to feed us fatter.

Village: Who is the same as you? You have caused harm to our village these years. There are big slogans on every construction site, something like "fight for time, fight for speed, build the ring village road in 30 days."

Bao: That was what the township chief said. He said (xuexiang chief): What is the most important thing in the 21st century? Ah—traffic! Highways are like blood vessels in a human body. If the blood vessels are blocked, you will be paralyzed, (referring to the village chief) just like your father.

Village: Who are you talking about?

Bao: The township chief told me, please don’t take this matter on yourself.

Village: Who won it? !

Bao: The township head also said (learned from the township head): If you open the road one day earlier, there will be several more households worth ten thousand yuan. The superiors will come for assessment on May Day, so you must fight for time and speed, thirty days The road around the village was built as a tribute to May Day, and County Magistrate Li was invited to cut the ribbon. I posted the township chief’s quotations and flattered him.

Village: The road was open for thirty days, but in less than thirty days, there were more than thirty pits on the road, and more than thirty cars were trapped!

Bao: Not much more, only thirty-one.

Village: When a new school was built last year, your slogan was even more deceptive: "Work hard for ninety days and build the new campus in three months." You completed the 4,000-square-meter project in three months. , use paper!

Bao: It’s unfair! That was also what the township chief said. He said (xuexiang chief): What is the most important thing in the 21st century? Ah—talent! Talents must be caught from babies, dragons give birth to dragons, and phoenixes give birth to phoenixes. When mice are born, they can dig holes. If you teach them to be dragons, they will be dragons. If you teach them to drill holes, they will be mice. Therefore, this is a political task that must be grasped. There are still three months before the National Day. We must work hard to win the new campus and pay tribute to County Magistrate Li, no, to the National Day.

Village: I have pity on the old principal who came to our village to support education. He came to the school to work overtime on Saturdays and could not open the office door when he left. The room was closed for two days. When I opened the door on Monday, I saw that the principal's face was pale, his eyes were glowing green, and he was shouting: water...water...The dean of teachers quickly took a thermos and poured water (making a pouring motion with a pungent expression). The pot was full of urine. !

Bao: It’s all the fault of the broken lock.

Village: (to the contractor) Bah! (The contractor wipes his face) It’s all your fault (repeat the previous action)! Let’s talk about the dairy farm reconstruction project. The slogan said, “We are not afraid of ice, snow, or wind. The new cowshed will be built in half a month.” However, just half a month after the new cowshed was built, the wind blew off two pieces of the roof. It was so windy. The snow was pouring in, and the most terrible thing was the sound of the wind, whining, whining, like a wolf howling, which frightened the more than sixty cows, and they all turned back to milk!

Bao: Village chief, let me tell you that this slogan was also said by the township chief. He said (head of school): What is most important in the 21st century? Ah—healthy! To be healthy, you need to drink milk. To drink milk, you need to raise cows. To raise cows, you need to build a cowshed. Only by building a cowshed can you have milk to drink. Didn’t you grow up drinking milk? Don’t you also need to drink milk when you grow up? Drink milk to supplement calcium and be happy. Elections will be organized as soon as New Year's Day is over, and representatives will have to drink milk when they come, so I will give you half a month. Even in the wind and snow, you have to build a new cowshed as a gift for the New Year. County Magistrate Li also wants... this cowshed... Li The county magistrate is not coming.

Village: County Magistrate Li, County Magistrate Li, all of us in the village privately called Magistrate Li upside down.

Bao: What do you call it?

Village: "Always give gifts."

Bao: Even ordinary people know this nickname!

Village: You have taken advantage of the project, cut corners and hollowed out the project, shortened the project under the pretext of giving gifts, specialized in performance projects, harmed the country, and harmed the people. (Police car siren sounds) Listen, the time has come to settle accounts with you.

Bao: Village Chief, Village Chief, you have to give me a nice word. (Get the wine) Look, I have wine. I’m on my left hand, turn right, I’m fully closed, and I’m swinging Dry.

Cun: Just put this away.

Bao: I have a card (take out wallet), my card is enough for you to play poker.

Village: You can go to the detention center for fun.

Bao: What, I, I will change your wife...

Cun: What did you say? !

Bao: That can’t be done, that can’t be done. I’m asking your wife to be accommodating.

Cun: Give me some pillow wind, so stop dreaming.

Bao: Brother Village Chief, Grandpa Village Chief, Grandpa Village Chief, you have to do me a favor no matter what (kneel down).

Village: What are you busy with?

Bao: Please bear witness for me. I took the initiative to confess and surrender.

Village: What did you confess on your own initiative?

Bao: (To the audience) All the uncles, aunts, brothers and sisters have seen it. I surrendered myself before committing the crime in the "Three Character Classic".

(End of the play)