I am not a coward.

Postoperative complications seem to strike in advance, which makes me close to despair and collapse again and again. In the past, I struggled with my illness with my last hope. After the hope was shattered, I chose silence.

1March 5, 995 is the day to help the disabled. The hospital hall was covered with banners with slogans, and patients gathered in the hall to watch the performance. I hid in the ward, facing the window, sitting in a wheelchair, staring blankly at the sky.

Laughter and laughter came from time to time in the hall. "Peng Er, go down and have a look. I heard that there are several singers you like. " Mom has urged it several times.

I shook my head and told my mother that I didn't want to go.

"Mom knows you are in a bad mood. It might be better to go to the show. "

I am too lazy to say a word. My mind is full of "I'm finished" and "what to do in the future"

The happiness of the past has left me. Looking at the textbook in my hand, I think about using my spare time to study every day. Isn't it just looking forward to a miracle after the operation and returning to school? But it's no use saying anything now. I threw the book aside in despair.

"I want to stay alone on the second floor platform for a while."

Before my mother could answer, I had pulled the wheelchair out of the ward.

"Peng Er, hat." When my mother kicked me out to put on my hat, a crystal tear fell on my hand.

The cold wind rustled, formed a whirlwind on the platform, gave a sad whimper and soon disappeared without a trace. I locked my wheelchair and looked up at the sky blankly.

In the eyes of my family, doctors and patients, I have always been a brave and obedient boy, but at this time, my depression almost broke out. On this empty platform, I can't control myself any more: for the good years I lost, for the future I can't face, for my poor mother ... I can only pour out my pain and helplessness to heaven by crying.

The performance in the lobby on the first floor is still going on, and the cheerful singing makes people more sad.

There was a cry from behind. It's mom. My mother held my head in her arms and sobbed, "Peng Er, my mother will take care of you all my life."

My mother still pushes me to do all kinds of training every day, and helps me and Xiaobaidi to walk in the hall after dinner. In those days, I was quiet and kept thinking: what am I training hard for? Is it necessary to practice?

More than a month has passed, and the dense data recorded by my mother in her notebook seems to be fixed. Only the calf data changed slightly-the muscles continued to atrophy. In this case, training becomes a mechanical and numb behavior.

Another problem I face is urinary incontinence after spinal cord injury. Many times, during training, I suddenly found my pants wet. At this time, my self-esteem will be deeply hurt, so I have to stop training and look at the door anxiously. As soon as I saw this action, my mother came to me soon. Every day, my mother always guards me and accepts the signal that I need her at any time.

Suddenly it's spring again. Unconsciously, the branches of the row of magnolia trees in front of the hospital have opened white flowers, and the yellow winter jasmine in the garden is also conveying the message that spring is coming to people.

On Saturday afternoon, my mother said that my brother cooked my favorite dish in the guest house. At five o'clock, my mother pushed me to the door of the hospital, just after school. There is one in the north and one in the south near the hospital: Majiapu Primary School and Jiaomen Middle School. On the way, students carrying schoolbags passed by in twos and threes. I stopped my wheelchair and stubbornly said to my mother, "Let's go back to the hospital first." Without my mother's consent, I turned and slipped back.

"What's the matter with you? My brother is waiting for you. "

I didn't say a word, and my mind was full of students in school uniforms. I can't stand the way they treat me differently, and I'm even more afraid that they will look at me like animals in the zoo.

Nowadays, my normal life has undergone a qualitative change, and the wheelchair has become my means of transportation. I feel inferior and helpless in a wheelchair. Every time my mother said that she would take me out for activities, I firmly refused her. I realized that I couldn't return to the normal group. Disability is like a black ghost, devouring my heart. Now I am used to taking this hospital where disabled people can be seen everywhere as my safe haven.

Mother stood behind me silently.

Nearly an hour has passed. When there were no more students on the road in front of the hospital, I wiped the tears from my eyes and said to my mother, "You can go now."

For this sumptuous meal, my brother "stole" the electric stove in the room, and worked hard all afternoon-once the waiter found out, he would be punished.

"How come back so late? The dishes are cold. " My brother asked. Mother gave a wry smile. I looked at my sweaty brother and felt unspeakable apologies.

One night, I pushed the walker forward a little as usual. My brother asked me to look straight ahead and step on a straight line in the middle of the floor. But my feet don't work, and I can't help throwing them on both sides when I step on them. My brother pulled me back to my original position without mercy and started over. I didn't walk half a lap until half past ten. The patients all went back to the ward to rest, leaving me alone to practice strange walking in the empty hall. "Stop!" My brother's deep and powerful voice sounded in the empty hall. I stopped and waited for his harsher reprimand-my brother was cruel to my training plan, which I think has something to do with his military career. His harshness made me suffer a lot. As expected, my brother slowly ordered: "No, promise, dump, kick!" " "

I struggled to move two meters away, and my brother came up to me and dragged me back to my original position with a walker. Tears of injustice swirled in my eyes. When I looked back at my brother with a livid face, I suddenly had a strong rebellious impulse and thought angrily: You are a normal person, how can you feel the pain when I walk? How can I conclude that I didn't try my best? I pushed up the walker and walked straight ahead. There was no movement behind me. I was proud for a while and thought: Is there nothing you can do now?

Suddenly, a powerful force pushed me out and I fell heavily on the floor. The walker rushed to the end of the corridor by inertia and made a violent crash.

I was shocked. I squatted on the ground and stared back at my brother. In the light, my brother's face was twisted with excessive anger, his muscles twitched and he looked at me with his teeth clenched. ...

"Wang Jiapeng, I tell you! If I hadn't seen you so young, I wouldn't have stayed here to suffer with you! You only know that you are bitter, and you never thought that your mother was more bitter than you! Do you think about it ... "

My brother quickly said this, put the walker in front of me and said, "Are you going to be in a wheelchair forever?" ! Then stop practicing, coward! " There was heavy footsteps in the hall, and then it disappeared.

I struggled to hold the railing, got up slowly with the help of the walker, gritted my teeth again and pushed the walker forward step by step. It's already eleven o'clock after running half a lap. When I got on the elevator, I met my mother to pick me up. I pretended to wipe my sweat and quietly wiped the tears from my eyes.

"Where's your brother?" My mother looked at me suspiciously, and my brother usually sent me back to the ward every day.

"I told him to go back first."

"Peng Er, you are so sensible." Lying in bed, my brother's words echoed in my ears from time to time: coward! coward ...

The next night, my brother came from the guest house. Mother asked, "Are you sick? Have you eaten? " My brother said, "Nothing, just a little headache." I apologetically said to my brother, "Will you take me to training?" My brother brought a walker and put me in a wheelchair. I know my brother has forgiven me. I said to him silently in my heart, "I am not a coward!" " "