Ask for some jokes

One day, A picked out a mirror and looked at it. The people here are so familiar.

B said; Is it? Let me see (taking the mirror), me! You don't even know me?

In order to prevent patients from escaping, the hospital has set up 1 lanes, but two mental patients still want to escape from the hospital. Try to climb the wall in the dark

. Under the 3th wall,

"Are you tired?" ,

"Not tired." So the two continued to turn outwards.

Under the 6th wall,

"Are you tired?"

"not tired." So they continued to turn outwards,

to the 99th wall,

"Are you tired?"

"Tired"

"Well, let's turn back"

One morning, an officer who is famous for his strictness asked the morning exercise soldier, "Are you cold?"

Xiao Bing replied, "It's not cold!"

The officer was annoyed: "Then why are you trembling?"

Xiao Bing replied, "Frozen!"

A jar of wine was buried underground for a thousand years. What did it become? -alcohol.

doctor ~ see me quickly! I have amnesia!

when did you find out that you had this disease?

what's wrong ...

a: what's that man doing?

b: he's shaking.

a: why is he shaking?

b: he's cold.

a: oh, it turns out that shivering won't lead to cold drawing.

A: ...

This diver's movements are very difficult. He made a twist for three weeks, followed by a forward somersault for three and a half weeks, followed by a back somersault for one month.

A man wanted to catch a boat. When he got to the shore, he found that the boat had already left. The man jumped on the ferry more than 3 meters offshore with a sprint speed of 1 meters, and gasped and said, God bless, I finally caught up! Then the sailor said, that's amazing, but why don't you wait for the ship to dock before coming up?

is this blind man blind?

Customer: "Why doesn't the wine you sell smell of alcohol?"

The waiter took a smell and said, "Oh, I'm so sorry, I forgot to mix wine for you."

as soon as I was younger, I liked to drive after drinking. Once, when I came home, I met a policeman checking the car. Just as he secretly called unlucky to get off the bus for inspection, the police answered a phone call, holding a mobile phone, bossing around and talking endlessly. As soon as he saw the opportunity, he quietly returned to the car, and when the police who called were unprepared, he drove home in a hurry.

The next day, someone knocked at his door. It was the policeman yesterday. Now that his wine is awake, he naturally asked the police confidently, "What are you doing here? What can I do for you? "

The policeman said, "I have driven your car to the door. Now, why don't you give me back your police car?"

Soldiers: "Thirst ... Thirst ..."

Cao Cao: "Hold on a little longer! I have been to this place before, and I remember that there is a Meilin nearby, and it may be there in a short walk.

Soldiers: "Oh! There are plums to eat! Oh!" The expedition found a lot of water! "

Cao Cao: "Ha ha ha ha, did you hear that? At last, there is water to drink.

Soldiers: "If you don't go, you must find the plum ..."

Why did Xiao Ming fall?

please think twice .......................

Because the floor is slippery.

After the PARTY, a group of animals rushed into the 7-eleven convenience store to buy things. Because it was too noisy, they were all beaten out by the clerk, but they left the lamb alone in the store. Why?

Convenience stores don't close for 24 hours .......

I hate two kinds of people most:

One is racist;

second, black people;

three is illiterate!

do you know why penguins live in the south pole?

Because it's cold there ...

A confessor came to the church.

He said to the priest, Father, I was wrong.

The priest said: As long as you admit your mistake, God will certainly forgive you.

The confessor said: I stole a man's bike, and now I want to give it to you.

The priest said: Don't give it to me, give it back to the donor.

The confessor said: I have already asked him, but he doesn't want it.

the priest said, then you can take it! ]

After work, the priest found that his bicycle parked in the backyard was gone!

The doctor treated an old woman dressed up:

Doctor: How old are you this year?

Woman: 18 years old

Doctor: Hmm! ? .................................................................................................................................................................................. Do you want to default? !

People said they really didn't have that much money.

He threatened: Hum! Don't blame me for not reminding you! If you can't pay the money tomorrow, your house is just like it

-he took out his lighter and burned the loan ...

Xiaoqing chatted with a psychiatrist.

Xiaoqing: How do you all diagnose patients?

Doctor: I always ask them some simple questions first. If they hesitate, I can probably know that they are insane.

Xiaoqing is very interested: What kind of question is it? Can you give me some examples?

Doctor: For example, Captain Cook traveled around the world three times, but unfortunately he died on one of them. Which time was it?

Xiaoqing hesitated, a little embarrassed and said, I'm not familiar with history. Can you give me another example?

A Dai had to go through an interview to join the navy.

interviewer: young man, can you swim?

A Dai froze.

Dumb: What's the matter? Aren't there enough ships for our army?

Late at night, after the last bus, the driver looked back and there was a lady in white sitting in the last row. The driver continued to drive and looked at the rearview mirror. The woman was gone, and she was frightened ~ ~ and quickly braked. Looking back, she sat there again. The driver turned her head guiltily and continued to drive, and carefully looked at the rearview mirror. The woman was gone again, and she was shocked and braked suddenly. Looking back, the woman appeared again. Facing the collapse, the driver turned his head and continued driving in a cold sweat. The third time, the driver looked at the rearview mirror again. The woman disappeared again. The driver had collapsed and braked suddenly, but she didn't turn her head away. At this moment, the woman came to him slowly, her hair was messy and her face was covered with blood. The driver's body was stiff and she dared not turn her head to see her. The woman said in a very low voice, "I have a grudge against you. As soon as I squatted down to tie my shoelaces, you braked suddenly."

One day, A was watching TV when he heard a knock at the door. He went to open the door but didn't see anyone.

"Hello, can I have some water to drink?" A Only then did I find a snail at the door.

"No!" A kicked the snail away with an angry foot.

a few years later, a watched TV at home alone, and the knock on the door rang again.

A ran to open the door, and the snail said, "Why did you kick me just now?"

Xiao Ming came back to the classroom after going to the toilet and said to the teacher,

There are many ants in the toilet.

The teacher suddenly thought of the English word ant for ants, so he tested Xiao Ming: What do ants say?

Xiao Ming looked blank ... and said,

The ant didn't say anything ...

One day, a family caught fire, and

Mom and Dad all escaped, leaving only one son inside.

Mother shouted nervously outside the house:

"Son ... what are you doing ... you won't come out after the fire ..."

The son replied: "I'm wearing socks ..."

Mother added, "What socks are you wearing after the fire ..."

After five points. Come out ~ it's on fire, and I'm still in it ... "

My son said," I'm taking off my socks ... "

A man went fishing by the river.

First he wore a leaf ~ for a long time, no fish took the bait, and he changed a piece of bread ~ but no fish took the bait for a long time ~

There was no choice but to change earthworms ~ Buy it yourself! ! ! !

Tang Priest: We should find a shortcut to learn the scriptures this time!

Wukong: flying is faster than riding!

Bajie: Shenzhou VI is faster!

Friar Sand took out a gun: I heard that this thing was immediately sent to the West.

There was a mental derangement who got a pistol from somewhere. He was walking in a small black alley. Suddenly I met a young man, and the psycho put him on the ground without saying anything and put a gun to his head! Q: What is 1+1=? The young man is frightened! Meditate for a long time. Answer: equal to 2''? The psycho shot him without hesitation! Then he dragged the gun in his arms and said coldly, "You know too much. < P > Then he met another person, and the psycho put it on the ground without saying anything, and put a gun to his head! Q: What is 1+1=? As frightened as young people! Meditate for a long time. Answer: I don't know. The psycho shot and killed him without hesitation! Then he dragged the gun in his arms and said coldly, You can't even know such a simple question, and you don't need to live any longer.

In a mental hospital, a patient was writing a letter, and when the nurse saw it, she asked him curiously:

Nurse: Who are you going to write to?

Patient: To myself!

Nurse: Then what do you write?

Patient: You are mentally ill! I haven't received it yet. How do I know that

a policeman escorted a prisoner to prison, and suddenly his hat was blown off by the wind.

"shall I get your hat?" The prisoner asked please.

"Do you think I'm that stupid?" The police officer said, "You stand here, I'll pick it up" ...

As soon as the customer came out from the pharmacy to buy medicine, the pharmacy guy hurried to catch up.

man: I'm sorry, you wanted tonic, but I gave you poison by mistake.

customer: look at you, something almost happened.

Dude: Yes, the boss will definitely scold me when he finds out. Poison is twice as expensive as tonic.

Two gangsters are lying in wait, trying to plot against someone, but they never see him. One of them was in a hurry and said, "What's the matter? He hasn't come yet, I hope he won't have an accident! "

Despair means ordering two dishes in the canteen at noon. After eating the first one, I was shocked. "Is there anything worse in the world?" I cried after eating the second one. "There really is!

fire brigade: where is the fire? Alarm person: My home. Fire brigade: I mean where is it? Policeman: In the kitchen. Fire brigade: I mean, how do we get there? Policeman: Don't you have a fire truck? !

A stuttering chemistry professor: "A...A reagent ... with ... with ... B ... try ... reagent ..."

Classmate: "I see, A reagent with B reagent ..."

Bang! ! ...

Professor: "... that ... that ... will explode"

A new shop assistant memorizes everything. An old lady bought a bottle of soy sauce. The shop assistant said, "I charge you xx yuan, and here is your change. Do you need a straw?" The old lady suddenly fainted ...

Don't press down

Look at it later!

peeking, right?

I told you not to look

but also to look

haha ... The peeper sentenced you to happy weapon imprisonment according to the special criminal law of * * * and China, deprived you of depression for life, and confiscated your lonely troubles. This judgment is not final, so you have no right to appeal, and you will laugh immediately!

I have good news and bad news, which do you want to listen to first?

let me tell you something! The good news is: no bad news!

what? What is the bad news? Of course, there is no good news! !

During the Spring and Autumn Period and the Warring States Period, you were the commander in chief, wearing a sack, a plastic bag around your waist, an egg yolk pie in your hand, and two cabbages under your feet. You were called Dong Fangbubai. When you charged, you shouted, "Who has rotten bottles and cans to sell?

A jewelry store was stolen. When the police arrived at the scene, they found a drunk lying there. In order to find out where the jewelry went, the police found a bucket of cold water.

The drunk opened his hazy eyes and said, "Sorry, I really can't find it. You'd better change to another diver!" "

The officer went to the recruits who were drilling, went to the first soldier and asked, "Answer me, soldier. What is the motherland?"

Soldier A replied, "Sir, my motherland is my mother!" The officer was very satisfied and went to the second one and asked the same question: "Answer me, soldier, what is the motherland?"

Soldier B immediately replied, "Sir, the motherland is the mother of the first soldier!"

An old lady can't read, but she likes listening to the radio. The weather forecast must be heard every day. One day at dinner, I asked my family, "I have a question. Do you know where the local area is? It rains there almost every day. "

no matter what car one takes, one should lean against the window.

One day, I was going to fly. When I got my boarding pass, I told my lady that he wanted a window seat, but she said that she didn't have it.

After boarding the plane, he casually found a window seat and sat down. Suddenly, a man came and said to him, "This is my seat."

he said, "I like this seat, but I just won't let it!" "

The man begged for help, so he said angrily, "Well, you can fly the plane!" "

turn around and go!

In the recruits' company, the monitor is guiding the recruits to practice their steps this day.

monitor: on my command, everyone lift their left feet.

Jamlom lifted his right foot in a panic, which happened to be a pair with the left foot raised by the talented person next to him.

The monitor saw it from the side and said angrily, That fool has lifted both feet.

A driver was about to drive home after drinking. He saw the car in his mirror speeding by again and again and thought, No, it's driving too fast! So he prepared to slow down. However, the car in the mirror is getting faster and faster. No, more slowly, he thought. So I'm going to slow down.

At this moment, I saw a policeman knocking on the glass of his car. He thought, No, he must have driven too fast and was seen by the police. So he opened the car door and said apologetically, "I'm sorry, but I didn't pay attention just now, so I drove fast again." I saw that the policeman angrily pulled him out of the car: "Do you know that you can't park in the driveway! A fine of 5! "

a 7-year-old aunt drove a car with three old people who were also aunts slowly on the provincial road. The traffic policeman stopped her and said, "Aunt, if you drive so slowly, it will affect the traffic."

The aunt driving said, "Isn't that sign written 2?"

The traffic policeman said, "That's Highway 2!"

The aunt driving said, "Oh! Oh! Which highway is that, not the speed limit! "

The traffic policeman said, "Right, suspicious? Why do the other three aunts behind you look so ugly? "

The aunt who was driving replied, "We just drove from Highway 245!"

One day, China, the United States and France met, and each praised the domestic wine for its fierceness and intransigence.

Finally, it was decided that rats should be fed with wine to compete.