The funniest joke ever

A Chinese man suddenly had diarrhea while sightseeing in the UK. He hurriedly ran into the public toilet~~~~Finally the solution was resolved. He walked out humming a song proudly, only to find a large group of people looking at him in surprise. . Only then did he realize that he had entered the women's restroom in a panic. "What should I do? I've made a fool of myself, but I can't embarrass the Chinese people." He reacted quickly and immediately put on a smile, bowed at 90 degrees, and shouted: "Sayunara, byebye~~~" and then swaggered The ground is gone. The crowd watching behind frowned and muttered in disgust: "Oh, shit~~~~Japenese!!!"

There was an American, a German, a Japanese and a Chinese sitting on a plane. , the plane suddenly ran out of fuel in the middle of the flight, and the captain announced that one person must jump out of the plane to reduce the weight. So the American showed his personal heroism and walked to the hatch of the plane and shouted: Long live the United States and the United States! ! Then he jumped! The plane continued to fly... At this time, the captain announced again: The weight was still too heavy, so he had to jump off alone! So the Germans stood up, walked to the hatch of the plane, and shouted: Long live the German Empire! He also jumped down! The plane continued to fly... At this time, the captain announced: No, it's still too heavy, and one more person must jump out! The Chinese glanced at the Japanese, stood up and walked to the plane hatch. The Japanese quickly came over and held the Chinese hand tightly: "Good brother, I will never forget you!" The Chinese shouted: "The Chinese people" ***Long live the country! ! Then kicked the Japanese down!

There is a hide-and-seek club whose leader has not yet been found.

It was like an onion, and he started crying while walking.

On a hot afternoon, a match head started to itch and scratch, and then it caught fire. .

Why don’t medium rare steaks say hello? Because they are undercooked.

On a hot summer day, two bananas were walking on the road. The banana in front suddenly felt very hot. He said, "It's so hot. I need to take off my clothes." As a result, the banana in the back fell down. Baozi felt hungry and ate himself. Once upon a time, there was a bun walking on the street. He felt hungry, so he ate himself. Once upon a time, there was a marshmallow who went to play ball for a long time. : “I’m so tired, I feel like my whole body has softened. ”

Once upon a time, there was a bird. He would pass by a cornfield every day, but unfortunately, one day there was a fire in the cornfield, and all the corn turned into popcorn! The bird flew over From now on... I thought it was snowing and I was so cold.

Xiao Ming got a new haircut. When he came to school the next day, his classmates saw his new hair style and laughed: Xiao Ming, what’s your hair style? It's like a kite! Xiao Ming felt aggrieved, so he ran outside and cried, and he flew up.

The fish said: "I keep my eyes open all the time to be with you." Reluctant to leave. "Water said: "I flow tirelessly all day long just to surround you and pick you up properly. "Guo said: "It's almost fucking ripe but it's still so stubborn. ”

Xiaobai looks a lot like his brother, do you know why? Because: it really looks like Dabai.

A polar bear stayed alone on the ice in a daze. When he was bored, he started to pull out his own tail. Mao Wan, one...two...three...the last one was gone, and then he was so cold.

What is that? Shake and stretch down, what is it? Stretch out four fingers, how many are they? WONDERFUL!

The millionaire is open. When the luxurious Lincoln sedan was passing through a village, he saw two beggars pulling grass to eat. The millionaire stopped the car and said, "Why are you eating grass?" "We really have no money..." replied a beggar. "Really, get in the car and go to my house." "I still have a wife and two children at home..." a beggar muttered. "Call them here." The rich man pointed to the other beggar. "And you, call your family members too." "My family has a large population. In addition to my wife, I have five children." " said another beggar.

"It doesn't matter, call them all, go quickly!" Just like that, the two beggars and their families got into the car. Fortunately, it was an extended car. During the exercise, a beggar's wife said gratefully: "Boss, you are so kind. You can even invite poor people like us to your home." The millionaire replied: "It's nothing. I just came back from abroad, and my house has been closed." No one is taking care of it. The lawn in the yard may be more than one meter high. You can eat as much as you want."

Who among the wolves, tigers and lions will definitely be eliminated from the game? Wolf, because: Momotaro (eliminating the wolf).

Once upon a time there was a little lamb. One day he went out to play and met a big bad wolf. The big bad wolf said: "I'm going to eat you!" Guess what happened? As a result, the big bad wolf ate the lamb.

One day, three little pigs built three huts to avoid being chased by the big bad wolf. The big bad wolf effortlessly destroyed the thatched house, the wooden house, and the brick house. The three little pigs ran as fast as they could, but they were still caught up by the big bad wolf. The three little pigs said desperately, "It's up to you." We give up, do whatever you want. At this time, the big bad wolf smiled evilly and said with saliva: "Then tell me where is Little Red Riding Hood?"

The stone and the rice cake fought, and when he was angry, he kicked the rice cake into the sea.

Later, there was a couple who made a private commitment for life, but the man had to serve in the military abroad. Before leaving, he gave her a ring and agreed to meet here three years later with the ring. Three years later, the woman did not find the man, so she threw the ring into the sea in sadness. Actually, it was the woman who remembered the wrong place. When the man came back, he couldn't find the woman and was fishing sadly at the beach. Suddenly he caught something, guess what it was

It was rice cake.

Later, he finally caught a fish and bit something hard while eating it. What do you think it was?

It’s fish bones.

Once upon a time, a man was fishing and caught a squid. Squid begged him: Please let me go! The man said: Okay, then let me test you with a few questions. Squid was very happy and said: You take the test! Then people grilled the squid.

The diver's movements were very difficult. He did a triple twist, a front flip, a triple triple half flip and a back flip for a month.

Reasons for not wanting to be a teacher:

The best student

When I first started going to class, I liked to go to school smoking. Especially when you smoke into school, you will attract the attention of many students. A few days after entering the school, several students admired me very much: "Brother, you have such a temper! You dare to smoke into the school. What is your name? We will follow you from now on!" He replied: "My name is teacher!" They suddenly dispersed and I was depressed for 20 minutes!

The most awesome student

I was smoking outside the office that day, and I was enjoying myself. Suddenly my cigarette was snatched away by someone, "Which class are you a student in? You are too brave." He was actually smoking in front of the office!" I was extremely depressed and pulled out two cigarettes. "Come on, teacher! Don't tell the principal!"

The teacher was stunned! Several other teachers laughed so hard that they fell under the table.

Best Undercover

When I went to class on the first day, I went very early and went to the classroom to get to know the students. When I came to the classroom, those students were very active. Maybe because I didn't say anything, they thought I was a student who was repeating a grade (am I like that?), so they all came over to please me, hoping that I would protect them in the future. There was even an unlucky student who took out a cigarette and offered it to me. The class bell finally rang. I took out my textbook, walked up to the podium and said, "Class is here, classmates!" The faces of the students below turned cold.

A gentleman's revenge

One day, I was walking and smoking. Suddenly a man ran over and grabbed my cigarette: "Which class are you in? You are so arrogant!" When I saw it was a security guard, I was so angry: "Do you think any student has such courage? I am a teacher!" Security guard! I was depressed, "Teacher so-and-so called me here to arrest him!" When I heard the name, wasn't this my former class teacher? Sure enough, he was laughing not far away. I walked over, and he was still laughing and said, "I haven't caught you smoking for three years in high school, and now I finally caught you!"

Examiner: What degree do you have?

Candidate: Didn’t graduate from elementary school.

Examiner: Have you ever had a fight?

Candidate: It’s commonplace.

Examiner: Do you have a criminal record?

Candidate: Just came out.

Examiner: What about physical fitness?

Candidate: It’s okay. You can knock over the vendor’s tricycle with one kick.

Examiner: Do you dare to take other people’s things?

Candidate: This is my strength, just like taking my own things.

Examiner: Do you dare to hit me?

Candidate: Xiaocai, my father made me disabled.

Examiner: You passed the exam. What our urban management department needs is talents like you!

Examiner: One more question, what should I do if something goes wrong?

Candidate: Just say I am a temporary worker.

Examiner: I will go to work tonight

One day on the bus, a man and a woman collided due to crowding.

The fashionable girl turned around and said, "Are you sick?"

The man felt confused and replied, "Do you have any medicine?"

Car The Master snickered!

The woman felt angry and replied: "Are you mentally ill?"

The man said coldly: "Can you cure it?"

The whole car People are laughing!

The bus driver stopped and leaned on the steering wheel laughing!

Two things:

The bus was overcrowded and there was a woman standing at the door.

A GG squeezed in from behind the car and wanted to get out of the car. He said to the woman: "Make way and get out of the car."

The woman did not move.

GG stepped on her when he squeezed past.

The woman turned out to be very powerful. She kept scolding: "You're crazy! You're crazy!" She was so loud that the whole car was watching.

GG remained silent. When he got off the car, he couldn't bear it any longer. He turned around and said to the woman: "You're the repeater!"

There were a few funny children behind, who kept talking. Act out the scene just now,

A said: "You are crazy, you!..." B said: "You are a repeater, you..."

Everyone in the car Laughing loudly~!

Later, a little girl also wanted to get out of the car. She squeezed past and said timidly: "I~I~I want to go on, I am not crazy~!"

Everyone in the car Laughing again~!

The woman did not speak, but a word came from the side: "Are you out of battery?"

The whole car burst into laughter~!

Confucius said: If you fight with bricks, it will not lead to chaos! Take a photo! Never die again!

Buddha said; nonsense! My Buddha is compassionate! Don't play too much! A brick is almost dead! ! !

On Monday, I got on the bus with nothing but the 1 yuan for the ride. Sitting from the starting station to the final station, I felt calm all the way. But when I got off the bus at the terminal, I found a note in my pants: "Isn't it a shame for an adult to go out without taking anything with him? --"

On Tuesday, I carried a broken wallet , containing 1 cent. After arriving at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, and a note was stuffed in the wallet: "We are not beggars, please don't insult our profession. --"

On Wednesday, I still broke my wallet. There were 100 counterfeit bills inside. After arriving at the terminal, I found that the money was still there, and a note was stuffed in the wallet: "It is illegal to hide large-denomination money privately. Please go to the relevant department and hand it in. -- "

Thursday , I took an envelope with a stack of expired Straits Talent Newspaper in it. After arriving at the terminal, I found that the envelope was still there. I took out the newspaper and looked at it. The newspaper had been replaced by the latest Straits Talent News. I took a note with me: "This is the era of consultation. Only by updating information in a timely manner can we seize opportunities and win success." ! -- "

On Friday, I put a toy mobile phone in my pocket. When I arrived at the terminal, I still had my phone with an extra note: "Please don't make this joke and affect the normal work of our company. --"

On Saturday, I took a toy pistol and stuck it on my waist. After arriving at the terminal, I found that the gun was missing and a note was stuffed in the waistband of my trousers: "I hate you the most when it comes to robberies. You have no technical skills at all! Confiscate the crime tools! --"

On Sunday, I I was about to get on the bus, but there were too many people and I couldn’t squeeze in.

While I was waiting for the next bus, I touched my pocket and found an extra 20 bucks and a note: "Brother, it's not easy for people in our line of work to be exposed to the sun and wind all day long. Here's my 20 bucks." , take a taxi wherever you want to go, please stop teasing us"

One day there were too many people on the bus. It was very hot and stuffy. I don’t know who farted. Now The environment is getting worse. My friend really couldn't bear it, and he didn't know who it was, so there was nothing he could do. Just then, the conductor was asking: "Who didn't buy a ticket?" My friend suddenly had an idea and said loudly: "The one who farted didn't buy a ticket!" Suddenly, a very fat woman, holding the ticket high in her hand, said loudly: "I have already bought a ticket!

On July 7, a sculpture was completed in a new building of a university: a girl holding a book in her left hand and a dove symbolizing peace in her right hand. The school is open to soliciting donations from students outside the school. As a result, many people's slogans coincided with each other - reading is useless!

The situation of losing bicycles in school is very serious, new cars disappear in the blink of an eye, but sometimes you are lucky, and the lost bicycles are lost within a few days. It will pop up again. One day, Xiao Jing, a roommate in my dormitory, bought a new transmission car. She showed off to everyone: "I have the latest lock on this car!" "The next day, Xiaojing returned from her evening self-study with a depressed look. She also held a piece of paper in her hand, which said: Don't think there are no experts here. I borrowed the car and will return it to you in a few days. !

A few days later, the thief actually returned the car. Xiaojing was very happy, but she was worried that the car would be "borrowed" again, so she bought ten large locks and locked the car. The car was locked securely, and a note was posted to the thief: See how you can "borrow" it! When Xiaojing went downstairs the next morning, she found that there were five more locks on the car, and there was a piece of paper on the lock. Article: Let’s see how you ride!

There were three little tadpoles. They went to a restaurant to eat... After waiting for a while, the first dish was served... fried frog...

< p>The three tadpoles sang in unison: I don’t want to, I don’t want to grow up...

One day, Cao Cao captured Liu Bei, Guan Yu, and Zhang Fei. Cao Cao said to the three of them, you. Everyone went to the orchard to choose a fruit. After a while, Zhang Fei brought out an apple. Cao Cao said that if they could stuff the fruit they brought into their butts, he would let them go. Zhang Fei tried for a while, After a while, Guan Yu came out with three grapes. Cao Cao also said the same thing to him, and Guan Yu started stuffing... When he stuffed the third grape, Guan Yu suddenly smiled, As a result, the grapes were smashed and killed again. After going to the underworld, the King of Hell asked Guan Yu: "You are so stupid, why are you laughing?" If you don't laugh, you won't die." Guan Yu sighed and said, "I don't want to either! God is jealous of beauty! When I stuffed the third one, I suddenly saw Brother Liu walking out with a durian in his arms..."

Yesterday I went to eat at KFC, and the person in line behind me looked like a couple. I saw them ordering She bought a lot of food and sat down next to me. After sitting down, the girl started eating as if she had been hungry for several days, while the boy was nibbling French fries one by one, as if there was something wrong with him. Concerned.

Suddenly, the boy put down the fries, moved forward, and asked seriously: "Qingqing, can I chase you?" "

The girl didn't even raise her head and said directly: "No! "

The boy asked again: "Isn't it possible at all? "

The girl said simply: "Not at all possible! "

The boy was stunned and looked straight at her, staying there...

At that time, the girl was holding a chicken leg in one hand and a hamburger in the other. She felt that the boy was watching She stopped eating, then looked at the boy with pitiful eyes, and whispered: "Then... can I still eat? "

Everyone next to me, including me, laughed out loud. The boy was helpless and said hurriedly: "Eat, eat..."

This girl is so cute. ...If I don’t let you chase me, I will chase you desperately!

I have always been restless in school. When I was a freshman, I was sitting in the classroom feeling depressed. I ran to the corridor to smoke.

After I lit my cigarette, a PL girl came and asked, "We are studying in self-study now! Why did you run out?" "

I said, I came out to smoke out of boredom. Which class are you in? Why did you run out?

PLMM pointed to our classroom and said, that class!

I was very excited and said, are we in the same class? What, are you depressed too?

She said: Well, a new student in our class ran out during self-study, and I came out to look for him.

I smiled, but it seems that he still can’t sit still. Why are you looking for him? You are not his mother!

MM: There is no way, I am his class teacher!

I was confused at the time...

A minute later, I held back a sentence: Teacher, you look so young...

My father is a worker in a glass factory , have the habit of wearing gloves when working.

One day after the night shift, he took a taxi home. As the car passed through a small forest in the suburbs, a cool breeze came. Dad felt a little cold, so he took out his gloves from his pocket and put them on. The driver saw it in the rearview mirror and asked cautiously: "Brother, what are you doing?"

"Oh, it's nothing, I'm used to it. , I have to wear gloves every time I work, so that I will not cut myself or leave traces..."

A middle-aged man went to a local private hotel on a business trip. .

While dining the first night, the middle-aged man saw a few stains on the edge of the dish and was very worried.

He asked the hotel owner: "This dish doesn't look clean." The boss replied: "Don't worry, the mineral water will make it very clean."

Hearing With such an answer, the middle-aged man started eating with great peace of mind.

A week passed. The middle-aged man ate in the hotel every day and became familiar with a big dog in the hotel.

When the middle-aged man stepped out of the door, the dog reluctantly caught up with him and clung to him to prevent him from leaving.

The hotel owner saw it, walked up and patted the dog on the head, and said softly: "Let the guest go, mineral water."

The hunter was hunting and saw something on the tree. Two birds, raised a gun to shoot down one, and found that it was a hairless one. Just as he was wondering, another bird flew down and cursed the hunter: Damn it, I just coaxed her to take off her clothes, and you shot her down. . .

A certain restaurant keeps a parrot hanging at the door. When a guest arrives, he says: "Hello, welcome!" A regular guest thought: I'll come in quickly and see how you react. One day he "sneered" and ran away. After entering, the parrot said: "His grandma's! It scared me!!!"

A child in the delivery room laughed loudly after being born. The delivery nurse was very strange. They gathered around and observed that the child's fists were clenched and broken. After opening it, it was discovered that it was an abortion pill. The child said: He wants to kill me? It’s not that easy!

At the end of the performance, the leader took the beautiful Mongolian actress’s hand and greeted her. Without letting go, she kept asking what her name was. The actress said excitedly: Malegebi (Damn it)

Stand higher and see farther; when the water is clear, there is nothing. Fish, if you are mean, you will be invincible! Go your own way and let others take a taxi. Let others find you.

What is depression? Someone hugged me, my wallet was stolen, my wife ran away with someone, the porridge left at home was sour, my eyes rolled, and I went to the hospital and the ambulance fell into a ditch!

Mooncake fell in love with Steamed Bun and pursued her desperately, but Steamed Bun refused to obey. Mooncake was sad: (Hong Kong accent) What is this for? Steamed Bun: My mother said, your stomach is full of spoiled intestines.

One day the hen flew up to the roof, and the owner angrily said, "Come down, if you don't come down I will kill all the roosters here and make your life worse than death." The hen laughed and said, "Finally we can go find the duck." "

An American, a Frenchman and a Chinese were walking in the desert. As they walked, they saw a bottle. After opening the cork, a man floated out. The man said: " I am a god and I can grant each of you three wishes!" The American was the first to say: "My first wish is for a lot of money. "The fairy said: "This is simple, it will satisfy you! Let's talk about the second wish. The American said: "I want a lot of money!" After the fairy fulfilled his wish, the American said his third wish: "Take me home." The god said: "No problem." "So the American returned to the United States with a lot of money. The fairy asked the French again. The French said: "I want a beautiful woman!" The fairy gave him the beauty. The French said again: "I want a beautiful woman!" The fairy was also satisfied. The Frenchman finally said: "Send me back to France." "After the immortal sent the Frenchman back home, he asked the Chinese what they wanted.

The Chinese said: "Let's have a bottle of Erguotou first." The god gave it to him. Ask him what his second wish is. The Chinese said: "Another bottle of Erguotou!" The god asked him what his third wish was. The Chinese said: "I miss the French and Americans very much. Please bring them back." The French and Americans were extremely popular, but they had no choice but to continue walking. While walking, I saw another bottle. After opening the stopper, another person appeared. The person said: "I am the younger brother of the fairy just now. My magic power is not as strong as his, so I can only grant two wishes for each of you." France Together with the Americans, they thought it would be better to let the Chinese speak first, lest they come back later. So the Chinese said: "Let's have a bottle of Erguotou first." The god fulfilled his wish. The French and Americans urged the Chinese to express their second wish quickly. After drinking Erguotou, the Chinese said to the gods calmly: "Okay, it's okay, you can go."

An American, a Japanese, and a Chinese were exploring in the jungle. As a result, they were all captured by the cannibal tribe. But the tribal chief said: "I am in a good mood today and I will not eat you, but you will all have to suffer a hundred blows, but before you get a blow, you can have a wish come true." The Americans were the first to suffer the blow. He said: "Before I hit the board, put a cushion on my butt." After putting it on, the boards fell like raindrops. At first, 70 boards were okay, but after 70 boards, the cushion was smashed, and then the boards were bloody... After the beating... , the United States walked away touching its butt. After seeing this, the Japanese asked for 10 mattresses. After 1, 2, 3...100 beatings, the Japanese stood up, patted their butts, and said it was fine; then they boasted about their ability to imitate and recreate, and wanted to sit back and watch the Chinese show. The Chinese slowly lay down and said leisurely: "Come on, put the Japanese on my back."...