Jia Xuming. Zhang Kang News Evening News Crosstalk Manuscript

Jia: Good evening, audience friends

Zhang: Good evening

Jia: Today is Monday, April 30, 2012, the tenth day of the fourth lunar month. Welcome to the News Network program

Zhang: The main content of today’s program is as follows

Jia: Two crosstalk actors from the Beijing Hip-Hop Baozi Shop will hold a special crosstalk performance at the Beijing Haidian Theater.< /p>

Zhang: The United Nations Millennium Development Conference will be held at the United Nations Headquarters. The main topic of the meeting is to discuss whether Jia Zhang’s cross talk meets the needs of the market at that time and whether it leads a new trend in the development of cross talk

Jia Zhang : Heads of state from all over the world have sent congratulatory messages. They said in their congratulatory messages that Jia and Zhang’s cross talk has made outstanding contributions to the peaceful development of the world in the past year, and they especially affirmed the shameless spirit of Jia and Zhang< /p>

Zhang: Celebrities from all walks of life arrived at the Haidian Theater for a four-hour formal friendly visit to Jia and Zhang’s collaborative performance

Jia: There are some people watching the performance today

Zhang: Obama

Jia: Bin Laden

Zhang: Ban Ki-moon

Jia: Gaddafi

Zhang: Xiao Bush

Jia: Saddam

Zhang: Kim Jong-un

Jia: Kim Jong-il

Zhang: I read it this way

Jia: I am reading the list over there

Zhang: People on both sides are very concerned about this performance

Jia: Especially over there People are paying more attention

Zhang: They said that if the performance is not good, they will take Jia Xuming away without hesitation -

Jia: The main reason is because of Zhang Kang No subpoena

Zhang: We will mainly recall the main news content from January 1 to May 1, 2012, please see the briefing

Jia: Bi Fujian, hosting the CCTV Spring Festival Gala for the first time, With Lao Bi on the front line, it’s really different. The stars of the Spring Festival Gala all showed the level of the Avenue of Stars

Zhang: In the Spring Festival Gala of the Year of the Dragon, Li Yapeng is the most powerful man in history, because from Qu Ying, Zhou Xun to Faye Wong , I have followed Li Yapeng, and my voice has become hoarse

Jia: On March 20, facing the simultaneous price increases of Sinopec, PetroChina, and CNOOC, China Waste Oil made it clear that it would not follow suit for the time being

Zhang: The general public has praised this. Is this a truly responsible and conscientious central enterprise?

Jia: The Municipal Traffic Management Bureau informed that due to the increase in the price of No. 93 gasoline, the traffic volume has increased significantly. However, pedestrian flow has increased and traffic pressure has increased. For this reason, starting from May 1st, pedestrian restrictions will be implemented. Single eyelids travel on one day, double eyelids travel on two days, one single and two eyelids travel at night, and travelers wearing sunglasses must be deliberately blocked Number plates will be dealt with. Blind people traveling without number plates will be treated as unlicensed people, and those with double eyelids will be treated as decks

Zhang: The March 15th Party revealed that some large companies sell expired food. In fact, we should not condemn them, and We should be grateful to them. They have helped us cultivate to become indestructible. Xinhua News Agency reported that a restaurant in California, USA, caused more than 200 diners to have diarrhea and were hospitalized due to the use of unhygienic tableware. However, the diners from China not only did not feel any discomfort , and also participated in the rescue work. The American reporters present sighed with emotion: The era of the Chinese as the sick man of East Asia is gone forever. Today’s Chinese are immune to all poisons! ! !

Jia: Look, the person who made leather shoe medicine just ate Sudan Red salted duck eggs the day before. The person who made Sudan Red just drank gutter oil the day before yesterday. The person who made gutter oil had breakfast. The milk is all from Sanju. The one with Sanju milk was taking clenbuterol every day and had diarrhea and was hospitalized. At this time, he is taking leather shoe capsules. Don’t apologize. This is called a three-dimensional and leap-forward integrated operation! ! !

Zhang: From now on, if I want to eat jelly, I will lick my leather shoes. If I want to eat old yogurt, I will lick my leather shoes. If I catch a cold, I just took my own leather shoes and licked them. When I have money, I will definitely buy two pairs of leather shoes, one pair to wear and one pair to eat.

Jia: I can go up to the hall, go down to the kitchen, climb the mountain, and be willing to do it. The water was collected in ponds, made into yogurt, and pressed into capsules. Leather shoes were very busy in 2012.

Zhang: Every day we hear news about toxic foods around us. Occasionally, we see harmful substances clearly marked on cigarette packages. content, and clearly reminded that smoking is harmful to health, I was inexplicably moved, the cigarette industry is the most conscientious

Jia

: Heshen’s deeds have deeply touched people’s hearts. People are chanting Heshen’s good example and vigorously promoting Heshen’s spirit. A large number of models of Heshen have emerged from various places

Zhang: The public's tolerance for corruption has reached a critical point. To this end, relevant departments have decided to significantly increase the public's critical point

Jia: The central government has decided to allocate 100 million and arrange for 40,000 bureau-level cadres to work hard. Taking the Long March Road, once the news was disclosed, it aroused heated discussion among netizens. The people expressed their willingness to play the role of the national army without any reward. They also stated that they would never let a corrupt official reach northern Shaanxi alive.

Zhang : If European and American schools hold parent-teacher conferences in March or April next year, next year’s Two Congresses may not be held

Jia: This year, the candidate list for moving China includes: Indonesia, Vietnam, Myanmar, Thailand, and the Philippines:< /p>

Zhang: The famous military scientist General Zhang gave a questionnaire on the military strength of various countries: First: The United States, fight whoever it wants! Second: I will fight whoever the United Kingdom and the United States fight! Third: France, I will fight whoever hits me! Fourth: Japan, I will let the United States attack whoever attacks me! Fifth: South Korea, whoever attacks me, I will practice with the United States! Sixth: Russia, I will hit anyone who scolds me! Seventh: In our country, I will scold anyone who hits me! .....

Jia: Eighth: North Korea, whoever attacks me, I will attack South Korea

Zhang: North Korea is really a strange country. As long as you are fat, you will become a fat man sooner or later. Leader of the country

Jia: North Korea is already poor, but it has spent so many years scrimping on the rockets it built, and then let them go as if they were flying monkeys

Zhang: What North Korea’s failure to launch rockets tells us A truth: I want to ejaculate even though I’m not full, but I really can’t hold on for a minute 6

Jia: A Japanese tourist lost his bicycle in Wuhan and found it. He deeply thanked the citizens of Wuhan. In fact, this didn’t What, when the photographer Mr. Chen lost his computer, the whole society helped him find his photos.

Zhang: The Japanese guy who lost his bicycle, I want to remind you here that you have ridden for more than ten years. It only took a country to lose its bicycle. Be content. If you put your first stop in China, your world tour will only have one stop:

Jia: Rui Chenggang asked Locke, Mr. Ambassador, I heard that you are sitting in Economy class, is it reminding everyone that the United States owes money to China? Rui Chenggang’s question is reasonable, because the Chinese who owe China money all fly first class.

Zhang: A primary school in Guizhou gave students food Rotten vegetables lead to student mistakes and poisoning. The principal is dismissed on the spot. It is not easy to be the principal of a primary school. University principals will never be dismissed for giving students rotten vegetables

Jia: Good medicine is bitter in taste and good for the disease. For To solve the problem of bitter taste of traditional Chinese medicine, the Chinese Medicine Association decided to insert a tube into the body to inject medicine because it would be very comfortable to have a tube in the body. The experiment started with the president of the association

Zhang: The recent medicines from Guizhentang Instead of falling, it rises. The gallbladder incident proves that their products are genuine.

Jia: There is a young man’s girlfriend who has designated him to leave a message saying “I love you” on a certain Sina Weibo post every day, as long as he keeps doing it for 100 seconds. God, she is willing to marry this young man. It seems that she has persisted for 99 days. When she opened Weibo on the 100th day, she found that comments were banned

Zhang: Internet Development Plan: First, this comment has been closed ;Second, comments are closed; Third, closed

Jia: Weibo rankings, the second-ranked Weibo is: This Weibo has been deleted by the original author; the first-ranked Weibo is : The Weibo has been deleted

Zhang: The State Administration for Industry and Commerce investigated and dealt with an Olympic trademark infringement case in accordance with the law. A Zhejiang underwear manufacturer registered two trademarks first. Men's underwear is called Bird's Nest, and women's underwear is called Water Cube. , the most annoying thing to the Olympic Committee is the advertising slogan: Same place, same dream

Jia: Fifteen years ago, when I was in junior high school, the whole class watched Titanic together, and then I was very puzzled why ROSE Why did JACK and JACK get into the car, and the car windows would fog up, and a hand would slap on the window. I want to read it again this time, but I heard it was deleted.

Picture: IPAD3 Released as scheduled, it supports ten languages, but not Korean. Korean netizens expressed regret and said: South Korea is a market that cannot be ignored, why doesn't it support Korean? Chinese netizens said that apples are still hot, which directly eliminates the possibility that apples were invented by South Korea."

Jia: The battle between Fang Zhouzi and Han Han provides us with two points of understanding: first, Han Han is not a god, and second, Fang Zhouzi is not Ren

Zhang: Regarding Fang Zhouzi, only Shui Junyi can cure it. Water can carry a boat and also capsize it

Jia: Guangzhou Evergrande Football

During the club's match against Japan's Kashiwa Reysol, fans put up slogans: Diaoyu Islands belong to China, Sora Aoi belongs to everyone!

Zhang: Sora Aoi endorsed Longjing, and everyone questioned: Is Longjing a scented tea or a green tea< /p>

Jia: Cangjing and Longjing both have Yile Ting Tac Toe, so we can understand what Ting Tac Toe represents, because there are two of them horizontally and vertically

Below: It's sports news

Jia: After unremitting efforts, Messi finally averaged more points per game than the United Arab Emirates

Zhang: After several years of hard work in the NBA, Yi Jianlian has gone from being an ordinary substitute player to Become a pure substitute player

Jia: When the Beijing Jinyu Basketball Team won its first NBA championship, two people played an extremely important role, one was Marbury and the other was Su Weizhang: Beijing fans gave up their curse for many years and changed their name to Su Wei. The Municipal Government Club tearfully presented a banner to Comrade Su Wei in recognition of his great contribution to the civilized arena. In this way, the long-lasting ills were eliminated. Su Wei was cured:

Jia: Chinese football has failed again to go global. Fans calmly said that this is the desired result

Zhang: After watching the Chinese team The competition has been going on for more than ten years, and the commentator has said most often that there is not much time left for the Chinese team: |

Jia: On the issue of bonuses for the national football team, the Football Association recently announced a plan to break into the top ten The tournament prize is 5 million, the World Cup prize is 10 million, the total bonus is ***15 million, the players bought a welfare lottery ticket

Zhang: Shu Qi deleted all Weibo, a fan with 200,000 fans A quarrel between a man and a man with 4 million followers forced a man with 10 million followers to delete his Weibo

Jia: There are countless billboards and posters of various sizes in various places in Beijing to promote Beijing. Spirit, patriotism, innovation, tolerance, morality,

Zhang: Invoice. WeChat Shake is a very good social tool. Within a few months, all Parkinson’s people across the country got to know each other and became friends

Jia: I heard that China is going to build its own aircraft carrier. The most pertinent suggestion from the Ministry of Railways is that China would be better off building an aircraft carrier

Zhang: Miyun, Beijing, will build an English city, and people in it will not be allowed to speak Chinese. In fact, this matter is not new, because China There is a precedent: no one in big pants is allowed to tell the truth

Jia: China's divorce rate has been increasing for seven consecutive years, with more than 5,000 couples divorcing every day. In order to control the number of divorced couples, Beijing Lottery divorce will be implemented

Zhang: I just saw Apple phones being burned during the Qingming Festival, and I’m afraid my ancestors won’t be able to use them. The owner of the sacrificial shop said that Steve Jobs has already gone to teach, so don’t worry

Jia: Because the price of cemetery has increased significantly, many people ask to be buried standing up, with the upper body exposed, so as to save land and even tombstones

There is a generation in China that does not charge for college when they are in elementary school, but does not charge for elementary school when they go to college. Money, when you don't have a job, you have to find a job. When you can work, you have to find a job. When you don't make money, you have a house. When you can make money, you find that you can't afford a house or a wife. Before entering the stock market, all fools can make money. When they rush into the stock market, they find that they have become fools. They always fail to rush, and after complaining, they always live tenaciously. They are the post-80s generation.

Zhang: Live in the most expensive house in the world, drive the most expensive car in the world, pay the most expensive fees in the world, burn the most expensive oil in the world, and drive in the most congested city in the world. On the road, they pay the most money in the world, avoid the most privileged cars in the world, are exposed to the world's most dense electronic eyes, and worry about the world's weirdest fines, but they live with determination. They are Beijingers.

Jia: The reason why many Chinese people don’t like "Xinwen Lianbo" is because they are jealous that the Chinese people in it live too happily.

Zhang: Today’s news broadcast has ended.

Jia: Thank you for watching