How to deal with the small matter of falling out of love?

When the word "loss" is mentioned, people usually think of death. But in fact, loss not only includes such a big issue as death, but also includes divorce, broken love, unemployment, loss of school, loss of health, loss of friendship, loss of virginity, and loss of belongings. Even things such as loss of face, loss of time, loss of dreams, marriage, etc., which do not seem to be within the scope of loss, are also losses. If it seriously affects normal life, emotional and psychological counseling is also required.

Below we will only take lovelorn as an example to explain how we should deal with this small loss in life that we cannot hide from and often stage self-destructive tragedies.

First of all, what are the psychological effects of falling out of love?

1. Loss of security in love, men, and women.

2. The basic trust in love, men, and women has been destroyed, and I don’t want to trust anyone anymore.

3. Decline in self-worth and self-esteem, feeling that one is no longer worthy of being loved.

4. It is difficult to start a new relationship.

Secondly, what are the psychological mechanisms that cause pain caused by lovelorn?

When we are in love, we are like two overlapping circles, no longer single, and the overlapping part represents the extended self. When we are separated, we become two independent circles, and at that time we feel that the overlapping part, which is the extended self, is lost, so we feel that we have no self and start to get lost, just like what is sung in the song "My heart is missing a piece." How to avoid this situation? In the process of falling in love, you should always ask yourself: If I didn’t have him or her, without this relationship, who would I be and how would I live? Doing this on a daily basis can alleviate the pain of losing your extended self when a lovelorn situation occurs.

Again, what psychological reactions do we have after falling out of love?

1. Guilt and self-blame are common experiences of lovelorn people. Dumped people often feel that the relationship ended because they did something bad. The person who dumps the person feels guilty that they have hurt the other person. But overall, dumpers feel much less guilty and remorseful than dumpees.

2. People who are dumped often feel angry. Feeling abandoned, helpless, feeling bad about yourself, and wanting to attack yourself or others. Attacking yourself too much can easily lead to depression. In the worst case, it can lead to self-mutilation, self-destruction and suicide.

3. Cognitively, the dumped person will not believe that the relationship is over. Immerse yourself in the longing for each other. It feels like I haven't broken up with the other person and I'm still in love.

4. Some lovelorn people will have physiological symptoms such as insomnia and appetite disorders. Some lovelorn people may sigh, fidget, be absent-minded, have difficulty concentrating, cry involuntarily, and other behaviors.

What psychological tasks do people who are lovelorn need to complete to prove that they have moved on from their last relationship?

1. Confirm and understand the authenticity of the breakup. You and her have broken up, and there will no longer be any psychological or emotional connection. You two become individuals again. So sometimes crying is a good thing, reminding you that the relationship is really over and not continuing like you imagined.

2. Experience the pain of sadness. It is recommended that people who are dumped should not indulge in guilt and self-blame excessively, nor should they suppress these two emotions excessively. Know that they are a normal response to grief, slowly comfort yourself, and accompany yourself through this difficult stage.

3. Coping with the environmental and social changes caused by lovelorn. Things you used to do with him are now done by you. In the past, there were people you could rely on, but now you are the only one to take care of things. No one will eat with you or say good night to you anymore. You have to adapt to your new life.

4. Repair the self internally and in the social environment. The extended self that you and his/her used to overlap has been lost, and you have to rebuild that lost self. We should also start a new social life as someone who is no longer a boyfriend and girlfriend.

Many people do not carry out or complete effective psychological reconstruction of broken love, making broken love a traumatic event.

The difference between the traumatic event of love breakup and the normal grief reaction of love breakup lies in the intensity and durability of the reaction of the person involved.

1. Long-term grief: refers to the excessively prolonged grief response to a broken love. Generally, lovelorn relationships that have not been resolved for more than half a year fall into this category.

2. Delayed grief: It refers to the fact that the lovelorn person has insufficient emotional response at the time when the lovelorn happens. However, when he sees the experiences of others in the future, such as watching movies or watching TV, when similar plots to his own appear, he will feel sad. Too much grief reaction.

Finally, I will use the real stories of my roommates Xiaoxiao, Wu Yu and me in the same university dormitory to demonstrate to everyone what kind of words we can say and what kind of words we can use when helping the lovelorn. There are many words we can't say to better accompany them out of the shadow of broken love.

When I was in college, my roommate Xiaoxiao experienced an unforgettable love. After the breakup, I cried so hard that my heart was broken, and my face was full of pear blossoms all day long, which made people feel sorry for me. I cry when I eat, I cry when I sleep, and I cry during class. At that time, my shoulders were used for her to lean on, making my clothes wet from crying all day long.

Under the careful care of me and Wu Yu, she finally came out of her lovelorn relationship. At that time, I felt great. Since I studied psychology, looking back at that past event now, I really want to find a crack in the ground and crawl into it. Sometimes I am even confused. I was so unempathetic back then, but Xiaoxiao has been friends with me for so long. It has been many years since graduation, and she is still in contact with me now.

Let me show you what Wu Yu and I said when Xiaoxiao was so sad and broken-up that year. It is undoubtedly adding salt to Xiaoxiao's wounds and acting as a fire hazard. The effect of adding fuel to the fire and adding insult to injury. I hope everyone will not follow my bad example. If I could travel back in time, I would definitely say to the smile at that time: "No matter what, I will support you and be by your side."

1. Mistaken Example Sentences for Accompanying the Lovelorn

Say "Don't be sad, be strong." "The sadness now is only temporary, you will definitely be fine."

Correct demonstration:

Frankness Admit to the lovelorn: "I don't know what to say to you." Listen more, talk less, and respond more nonverbally. (Especially in the early stages of falling out of love).

2. Error example sentence 2:

Say "I understand your feelings very well. I promise you that you will be fine in one month and you will definitely forget about him. "

Correct demonstration:

Say "Although I can't fully understand your feelings, I seem to hear that you feel... (the feelings of a lovelorn person) because... (lovelorn people feel) The person’s experience/thoughts/behavior)."

3. Wrong Example Sentence Demonstration 3

Say "You should be happy because you have been in love and can still feel sad about losing love. Crying, but I have never been in love before, and I have never experienced this kind of feeling. "You are right to be sad, because after all, you two once loved each other so much."

Correct demonstration:

Use open-ended sentences to ask the lovelorn how they feel about the breakup, listen actively and respond with empathy.

4. Wrong Sentence Demonstration 4

When the lovelorn has mixed feelings, explore the meaning of breaking up to him and say, "Maybe it is a good thing for you to break up with him. Maybe you will be in love in the future." You will meet a better one." "You can only meet the right one by saying goodbye to the wrong one."

Correct demonstration:

Invite the lovelorn to stay at the level of feelings, discuss and share. , and expressed his understanding of the unique and irreplaceable importance of former lovers to the lovelorn. For questions such as "Why did you break up?", you can let the lovelorn know that one day in the future, he may find a new and better answer to the breakup and no longer blame himself.

5. Mistake 5: Sharing too much personal experience of lovelorn.

When the lovelorn person is talking about his/her lovelorn affairs, it is time to start talking about your own lovelorn affairs in the past.

When the lovelorn person is saying that it is painful to lose his lover, you also take the opportunity to say that it is also painful for you to be lovelorn. For example: "You want to be more open-minded, your lover only found a new lover a month after we broke up. My lover was in love with me at the time, and he found another woman."

Correct demonstration:

Here I want to remind you that you are different from the lovelorn. Everyone's experience is unique. And more importantly, you are accompanying him and guiding him to fall in love. Instead of letting him accompany you and enlighten you about lovelorn. You don't need to declare at this moment that you have been broken up in love or that you have been hurt badly and deeply by someone.

In short, love is not all about beauty. Since you choose to fall in love, you must be ready to be betrayed, hurt, deceived, and broken up at any time. As the famous writer Li Bihua said: "Love is not beautiful. Only one pair of Butterfly Lovers among 10 million people can turn into butterflies. Others can only turn into moths, cockroaches, mosquitoes, flies, scarabs... Not a butterfly." In this case, when you can love, work hard and protect this hard-won love. Take good care of the destined person you finally meet in the vast sea of ??people.

When you have experienced hurt, betrayal, deception, and breakup in love, and you can continue to love and give bravely, it means that you have grown up and truly understood the meaning of love. I also hope that after falling out of love, you will not be a perpetrator of violence after a breakup and stalk the other person.

Don’t follow the bad examples in the entertainment industry, such as Dong Jie and Pan Yueming. When they divorced, they fought each other, threw shit at each other, and smeared each other. They didn’t leave any good thoughts to each other and never thought about the future. Will it be awkward when we meet again? We should learn from Selina, break up peacefully, not say bad things about the other person, and take the responsibility for the divorce on ourselves. He didn't say anything too harshly, leaving room for maneuver in the future development of the relationship between the two parties.

When you no longer lose yourself because of a broken love, and no longer feel sorry for yourself because of a broken love, but just regard the broken love as a part of your life experience and a part of your self-growth and perfection, it means that you can enjoy it to your heart’s content. In the process of love, don't care about its gains and losses.

Love is a kind of beauty. Let us try our best to discover it, learn it, experience it, and love ourselves and others well in our lifetime. May love always be by your side and never leave you.

Reference material: Episode 56 "Loss and Grief" (Part 1 and 2) of Jia Xiaoming's "Psychology and Life" open class at Beijing Institute of Technology