[Psychology] It's your first time as a parent and my first time as a child!

Many people say, inherit the wind, it is not easy to raise a child. Of course, I think every child who has become a parent will experience this kind of difficulty, but it seems that many people forget what they looked like when they became parents. Children's sensitivity, self-esteem and sense of security seem to be easily erased by a gentle sentence: What do children know when they grow up?

I have been pushed some discordant news these days, which makes me feel a little sad.

When Ode to Joy was broadcast a few years ago, the most attractive thing was not the plot, but the following information. A worrying plot has aroused many people's memories and discussions. It's not the same thing, but it's as sad as wanting to cry.

Many people forget that children have the right to choose. The kindness of childbirth seems to whitewash everything. "Because I love you, I can hurt you unscrupulously." Many parents educate their children, but now it is not popular to start work, but it is popular to stick to the heart.

How many people have been shaken by their parents' words since childhood and even ruined their lives? I remember a widely circulated video: a father clamored for his son not to die, and his son turned and jumped down the stairs. Of course, we know that even children know that this is just angry words, but as relatives, others don't care how much they say, but what their parents say is a knife in their hearts. The knife will hurt again.

What is more terrible than violence is indifference. Compared with the physical pain of being beaten, mental indifference is more terrible.

I have a classmate named Xiao Bin, who is introverted and withdrawn. He was bullied at school. He told his parents that they only asked him to tell the teacher, otherwise he would be scolded for being bullied. He said that when he was growing up and needed help and support, his parents always ignored him and scolded him, and his complaints were always ignored by his parents, so that he was once in pain and confusion and became very sensitive. I met him once after graduating from junior high school. He said that he finally stopped studying, and no one bullied him anymore. He looks very happy. I feel very sympathetic. If his parents help him, or at least communicate with the teacher, or even find a bully to support him, his life will be different.

Parents and children are never as simple as affiliation. A national survey of minors shows that 42.3% of minors said they "hate their parents". The main reason is that parents don't understand and care about their children's psychological feelings. According to the analysis, this result reflects parents' indifference to children's rights and independent personality.

The most common thing that parents do to hurt their children in China: 1, it doesn't matter what they say.

I don't make promises to my children or don't pay attention to them at all, thinking that I just want to coax them and let them listen casually. But children really take it seriously and remember it. This is a distrust of parents.

2, like untimely show-off and abuse.

They will hold their children in front of their neighbors and relatives, force them to perform, expose their shortcomings and abuse them regardless of the occasion. Even if there is nothing wrong with the child, he will scold the child for his own face and vanity, as if the child has no self-esteem and face, just a monkey that can be played by others.

3. I like to spy on children's privacy.

I want to control my children and know everything about them. I have a deep control. However, when children reach a certain age, there will be something they don't want to tell their parents. Parents don't understand this idea, they just think that your wings are hard and he can't control you.

4. Threats can easily make children feel insecure.

Not obedient means that mom and dad don't want you.

Talking back is kicking you out of the house.

What many parents may say to their children is that I will leave you alone if you don't listen. Anyway, I have you. As a result, many children are particularly insecure and always feel that they are talking about the redundant person at home.

5. I like to scold my children in the most vicious language.

When parents get angry, they scold all kinds of ugly things. The point is that they know all your weaknesses, and they curse the parents you care about most. Although it is often just a small matter, it makes you feel that you have done something to kill and set fire to it.

6, double standards, always only talk about your own truth.

If you don't do well in the exam, you will scold who didn't do well in the exam: why not just compare with your grades, why not compare with the exam?

What you want is actually that you can't afford it or don't buy it. Will scold: how can you only compare and retort that it is not expensive? Why do other parents buy it? They said, "Your parents are not as good as others, but you can be reborn in their home ... What can you say?"

7, do whatever you want, take the child as a punching bag.

When you are in a good mood, you can do anything. I'm in a bad mood and don't like what you do. They find fault with you, in fact, many times they just vent their personal dissatisfaction with life.

8. Don't listen to advice, don't listen to explanations, and stick to your own opinions.

They will always tell you that they are right, and they won't listen. If you fight hard, they will condemn you morally and say you are unfilial and ignorant.

..... and so on and so on ... These are the most common things in life.

The most important thing is that children are not sensible, heartless and not soft when they are injured. Many children have no say at home. "What do children know" is their stubborn idea.

When you grow up, tell your childhood that they still won't admit it or don't care at all. Until can't hide, began to move out of the banner of similar unfilial:

How can you remember those years!

Why don't you remember one thing about us? No conscience!

After 20 years, I have raised an enemy, baiwenhang!

Yes, we were wrong. Should we kneel down and apologize to you?

Everything in the past will leave traces. Why do children forget things that hurt them?

I once saw an American TV show, in which there was a line: parents waited for their children to say thank you all their lives, and children waited for their parents to say sorry all their lives. Such two people will never get what they want.

Why can't parents always respect their children equally? Some ideas are at work. They even think that children are the accessories of their parents and their personal belongings for generations. "I am your father" and "I am your mother" represent authority, and it is unfilial not to listen. When you want to resist, the most common answer from parents is "I am doing it for your own good", which is probably "You will know when you have children."

They are waiting to copy this pattern to prove that they are right. This sentence seems to be a universal answer, and all your arguments will be blocked back.

One thing has impressed Xiao Bin so far. The teacher asked the students to wear white shirts in school cultural performances. The mother asked Xiao Bin to wear black, but she wanted to take a white shirt as a backup, and her mother didn't allow it. Finally, Xiao Bin was reprimanded by the teacher in public at school.

This embarrassing feeling will never be understood by parents.

"You are the meat that fell from me. How dare you not listen to me? " This is the robber logic pursued by many controlling parents. There are probably two kinds of children educated by controlling parents: one is clever and sensible, and the other is a fierce struggle to sever the relationship.

Educating a child's future is to treat him as an individual. He is independent, thoughtful and tempered, not a robot controlled by his parents.

How to treat childhood trauma? Xiao Bin, who was hurt by his parents, was by no means alone.

I also met some netizens:

Whenever I see other people's parents fondling their children lovingly, I want to cry.

Whenever I see others being hurt by their parents in film and television dramas, I will burst into tears.

I think many injuries will be forgotten when I grow up, but there is no way to hurt my parents, just because they are the softest place in my heart. Stabbing a sword in the softest place hurts the most.

No parents are perfect, but everyone is affected differently. Childhood can't come back. What you need to do is try to make the wound heal, just like thousands of people in Qian Qian.

How? Maybe you can listen to the advice of psychologist Kimberly Ross. In her book "Inner Dialogue with Children-How to Heal Childhood Trauma", we may get some answers.

1, get to know yourself first

Those childhood wounds have shaped you step by step. When you grow up, you find that those things in your childhood have not disappeared with age. Maybe you can handle it, and no one sees them. Think back to when you were growing up, your privacy was ignored and violated ... At first, you might use anger to protect yourself, extreme self-esteem and extreme inferiority, or turn around between the two.

Think about what thoughts, beliefs and behavior habits you have gained from your family. There is no point in blaming. You need to rebuild and re-understand your relationship with your parents. You may not have all the love between you, but there are other things called needs.

At this time, I no longer expect my parents to change, but to change myself. You should realize that as an adult, you should have enough freedom to ignore others' neglect. You should re-examine the past instead of being trapped in the shadow of your parents.

Step 2 find the fuse

What triggers your emotions.

It may be verbal violence, behavioral violence, or both.

Some counselors talked about their grievances with their parents, and the story was full of control, abuse and showing off.

From childhood, from grades to work to marriage, control has never been far away, and it reappears in another form.

You have to admit that your parents may have problems. This is especially difficult for many children. Many people don't realize that when they were young, it was actually their parents' problem, not their parents' lack of love or their own problems. The fact is devastating, but when you understand this, at least you can solve it.

Step 3 find the right balance point

"My relationship with my father is like two hosts of a news broadcast," said Talia, 22. We only talk about meaningless things, such as news, weather, sports and so on. Conversations beyond this range usually end in quarrels. "

This is a story in the author's book.

When conflict is inevitable, you can choose to stay within a safe range, that is to say, talk about something meaningless. In fact, there is no suitable formula for balance, only respect for inner choice. No one can provide you with a completely effective method, everything depends on you. Of course, you can also take the initiative to control communication and choose the way you want. It is difficult to set the bottom line in advance at first, but it is very important to establish a sense of boundary.

Imagine that a premature showdown may face the indifference and anger of parents. But if it is later. You have to endure what you don't want to do again and again, and you are deeply troubled by your cowardice.

Step 4 learn to forgive

This is almost an unavoidable topic.

Forgiveness is not forgetting. Ironically, the person who hurts you the most is the best person you choose to forgive. If you want to be saved, you must first let go. It is worth noting that this does not require the other party to regret or repent. In the final analysis, this matter is only about you. This is a process, and the length of time and decision are up to you.

When you accept yourself in the past, spell out a complete image. Take care of yourself, take a walk, wash your hands and fold clothes. Your heart may be better, not bad at all.

"Screening memory" is also a good method. Just like gold panning, you first pick up large pieces of mud and stones, and finally turn the plate, and the mud and stones fall off. In the end, you may get gold.

The longer the trauma takes to form, the deeper it will affect the individual's body and mind, and all kinds of personality weaknesses such as inferiority, sensitivity, introversion and insecurity in adulthood cannot be eliminated, and even people can't communicate normally. This is also the reason why I have been paying attention to the growth psychology for so many years, because everything else may be repeated, but there is no way to grow up, and this kind of trauma, if not healed in adulthood, will have a lifelong impact.

Thousands of people are trying to cope with the injuries caused by childhood, whether forced or active, even if they walk slowly.

You don't give up either.