On three misunderstandings in educating children

Three misunderstandings in educating children

Psychological problems exist not only in adults, but also in growing children. For children, mental health problems have a great relationship with parents' educational methods in life. Improper education will seriously harm children's mental health.

One of the misunderstandings: there is only one child, give him the best.

Analysis: Too arrogant, the child is "tempered"

Xiao zong's behavior is extremely aggressive. "Aggressive behavior has different manifestations at different ages. In early childhood, it is mainly manifested as noisy and noisy, which is a physical attack; Older children are more likely to use language to attack, abuse and slander, deliberately causing psychological harm to each other. They often say things like' I don't like this',' I'm not good with you' and' I'm bored to death'.

The critical period for the formation of aggressive behavior is infancy. "Parents have a bad temper. When children's behavior makes them dissatisfied, they reprimand and beat and scold, which sets an example for children's aggressive behavior and forms an aggressive consciousness. Children who grow up in a pampered environment often behave arbitrarily, arrogantly and unreasonably. Inconsistent educational attitudes of family members show their differences in front of children. For example, children make mistakes, criticize, reprimand, punish and cajole. Children and adults don't agree and can't participate, which is easy to produce a strong sense of aggression. If they are not satisfied, they will vent their dissatisfaction by' attacking' and even develop to the point of attacking others for fun. "

Myth 2: "If you are afraid, children will listen."

Analysis: Threatening education makes children anxious.

Sandy, who is 8 years old this year, has always had a stomachache, and she often "attacks" before going to school in the morning. The doctor diagnosed that the stomachache was fake, but it was true that she was anxious because she was afraid of going to school.

"It is a normal psychological reaction for children not to leave their parents, but with the development of the nervous system and the maturity of their minds, they should gradually form the ability to adapt to unfamiliar environments." On the one hand, children's anxiety is related to their innate quality and personality, on the other hand, it is also related to their parents' words and deeds.

Children's anxiety disorder is usually separation anxiety, which mostly occurs in preschool age, and is mainly manifested in the anxiety reaction when children are separated from their relatives. Because anxious children will focus all their attention on finding relatives. They can show that they don't eat, drink or play, which will also cause children's long-term physical stress and anxiety, which will easily reduce their resistance. These children are often prone to colds, fever and stomachaches.

Myth 3: "No talent without fighting?"

Analysis: Children's "love to lie" depends on beating rather than teaching.

Six-year-old Huahua likes talking very much. After sitting for a few minutes, she kept talking to herself. Sometimes when her mother is watching TV, she still keeps talking. What's more, Huahua has become more and more fond of telling lies this year. One minute she said that her classmates bullied her, and the next minute she said that she got 100.

"Some parents are busy with work and ignore the requirements that children need to care about. When a child accidentally lies or blinks, parents give attention and care, which may have an impact on the child's heart. " Some parents are used to playing instead of teaching. When they find that their children are lying, they beat them up, which is not conducive to their physical and mental development, and even makes them constantly "improve" their lying skills to cope with their parents' abuse.

Psychologists have something to say:

Parents' expectations are "too high" and "too low"

Most of the psychological problems of adults are caused in childhood, and children's psychological problems should be paid attention to. "The mental illness caused by children's stress is mainly determined by family reasons."

Parents' expectations of their children are too high or too low, which may affect their mental health. One situation exists in a doting family, which dotes on children too much, and children are used to taking and don't know how to give. Once you enter the learning atmosphere, under the strict education mode of the school, it is easy to form psychological problems such as anxiety, paranoia and bad temper. And an authoritarian family. Parents are too strict with their children, and children are prone to inferiority, timidity and avoidance. In the process of growing up, under the pressure of study, mental illness is easy to appear.

In addition to heredity and living environment, the lack of parents' daily education is also one of the reasons why children have psychological problems in their present lives. Therefore, every parent must learn some knowledge about how to protect mental health while paying attention to their children's physical health.

A good mother's education

"Once I opened the refrigerator and used my right hand to get a big can of milk. And I didn't hold it steady. I let go of my hand and knocked over the whole can of milk. At that time, I froze and shrank in the corner, because my mother might scold me because the milk spilled all over the kitchen. However, when my mother came to see it, she said,' Wow! I have never seen such a spectacular sea of milk, so beautiful! After hearing what my mother said, I suddenly stopped being afraid. At this time, my mother said to me,' You are amazing. Mother has never seen such a beautiful sea since she grew up. Would you like to help her clean the milk together? Later, my mother took me to clean the kitchen with rags, buckets and other utensils. The kitchen soon became very clean. At this time, my mother filled my spilled plastic milk with water, put it in the refrigerator, and then taught me how to take it so as not to knock it over. Hold it with both hands, so that the milk won't come loose or spill on the ground. "

When our parents saw this result, they all lamented the mother's self-denial and educational skills, because in reality, more people will be furious in the face of this situation. In fact, when a mistake has occurred in the water under the bridge, no matter how angry you are, it will not really solve the problem and prevent the same thing from happening again. On the contrary, scolding children loudly will create new problems, make them more afraid and fearful, and form their cowardly and timid failure personality. There is another point that cannot be ignored. Being angry with children often will set a bad example for them. Parents want their children to do something in the future, so they should hone their self-control. To do this, parents should start from themselves and tell their children with their own actions that temper can be controlled!

I often lose my temper myself. Although I won't take it out on my children, they have also caused deep harm. Because in a certain period of life, I often quarrel with my lover for an event. After a few years, this knot slowly settles down in my heart and often explodes for a little thing, which seriously hurts my daughter's mind. Once you find yourself unhappy, your mood will be low. Although there will be disharmony occasionally, it is like a scar, which hurts forever when touched.

Among my friends, there are also many people who have a hot history in temperament, but fortunately, they change when they know their mistakes. I dance for their children. I believe that we all love children, but we don't know how to do it, and we don't know how to measure it, so we hurt our children unconsciously. In fact, children nowadays can understand their parents very well, but sometimes we don't know how to respect them.

At present, in the workplace, especially working mothers, they have to take care of both company work and housework, so they are often busy. If a person is burdened with things beyond his physical strength and ability for a long time, it will inevitably lead to irritability.

When she is physically and mentally exhausted, there are mountains of things waiting for her to deal with, and anyone will feel annoyed.

Nevertheless, we'd better not lose our temper in front of the children and don't show our grumpy side. Bad things often leave a deeper impression on people than good things, especially on growing children. Their characteristic is that they only remember things that are irritating or impressive. Even if you have only lost your temper once in front of your child, the child will remember that you are an upset and complaining mother, and that kind and gentle image will disappear.

"I am your mother. You don't listen, I have the right to lose my temper with you! " Parents should not think that their children are born by themselves, so they can act on their children at will. In fact, children belong to society and to themselves. Parents' disrespect for their children's feelings will affect their children's normality. On the one hand, children may become weak and obey their parents because they are afraid of their parents; On the other hand, children may be disgusted with their parents and have a strong rebellious attitude.

Our mother should have the courage to admit her mistakes in front of the children. "It is wrong for her to be angry with you often. Now she solemnly apologizes to you. You will forgive her, and she will get rid of that bad habit in the future. "

Then under any circumstances, no matter how hard and tired you are, don't lose your temper with your child. If we can record our ugly side, we will be hysterical and look like crazy people.

There will inevitably be bumps between family members, but for the healthy growth of children, we should learn to control our emotions, understand each other and try to avoid confrontation.

A person's temper is related to personality, and personality is related to virtue, which can't be faked. Virtue is cultivated bit by bit.

People with bad temper are generally impulsive people, and it is very bad to deal with problems only by relying on their own perceptual knowledge when facing many things.

People with bad temper will often talk and be aggressive when they treat others, which will not only leave a bad impression on others, but also encourage your bad temper while others tolerate you.

People with bad temper usually lack self-control, which is actually easy to exercise. When you are doing something that you find interesting, if you stop doing it, you have nothing to lose except unpleasant feelings, so you will force yourself to stop immediately.

For parents who have realized their shortcomings, whether the adjustment of the heart is on the one hand or how to restrain the bad behavior in action is needed. Here are some classic steps, please follow them.

Check yourself, mothers should always check themselves carefully. At what time, where and under what circumstances, their mentality will fluctuate greatly, and it is easy to lose their temper with their children. At this time, mothers should exercise restraint and prevention in advance.

Rehearse in advance, imagine in advance what kind of positive reaction you should make under what circumstances, and then simulate this reaction in your mind. You can also play family sketches. Children or other parents play "children" and you play "successful parents". Simulate all kinds of scenes in life and perform all kinds of "successful parents" performances, and your temper will naturally improve.

Reward and punish yourself. Give yourself a small punishment every time you lose your temper. Control your temper every time and give yourself a small reward. And having children supervise you will make you more restrained.

In a different environment, I have this experience: when I am upset, I will put down my work, tidy up the bookcase, tidy up my desk and replace the success slogan on the wall. Soon, my mood will be much better.

Small steps forward, reasonable requirements, mothers should not ask too much of their children and themselves. Don't try to improve your child's grades or get rid of your bad temper at once, otherwise you may lose confidence in yourself once you fail to reach your goal. Set a goal for your children every day that they can achieve. For example, if eating is not delicious, then the first step is to ask him to sit at the table on time as soon as it is time to eat. When the child reaches this point, praise and encourage him before proceeding to the second step. I think it won't be long before the child will get rid of the bad habit of not eating well and the mother's temper will get better.

When doing reminders, Lin Zexu often puts a wooden sign that says "Cure Anger" on the chopping board to remind himself to stay calm at all times. Mother might as well follow Lin Zexu's example and make a reminder not to get angry. As soon as she sees it, she can remind herself: don't lose her temper with the children.

These six methods will help you control your temper. Stick to it, and you will become a good mother loved by a patient child.

Children are forbidden from puppy love and may become gay.

"Every time I see her, I always have an irresistible impulse." "I saw her again this afternoon. She is so beautiful. I really like her. " "She smiled at me and I was happy all day. Does she like me too? " Seeing the words in this diary, you may think it is a diary of a junior high school or high school boy, describing the feeling of first love. In fact, this is the diary of a girl named Xiaoyue (a pseudonym), who just went to senior one.

When abortion's mother happened to see this passage, an indescribable complex mood arose. She banned puppy love education from junior high school, and finally did she take her daughter to love the same sex?

The counselor of Beijing Youth Legal and Psychological Counseling Service Center said that from his years of work experience, this phenomenon is generally rare, but it has appeared twice in the last month, and the other time was a girl who just entered the second year of high school. Although it is rare, it makes us re-examine our attitude towards puppy love.

Most parents or teachers prohibit puppy love, which will lead to children's fear of the opposite sex.

Two girls call each other husband and wife, which we often see on the campus of junior high school or high school. According to our traditional way of thinking, it seems that two girls snuggle together as a sign of friendship. Neither children nor parents nor teachers will criticize this behavior. Actually, it is misleading.

What most parents or teachers care about or forbid is the communication between the opposite sex. If it is a little too frequent, it will appear in the form of parents discouraging and teachers talking to both sides until the two seeds of friendship or love go out. In fact, this practice not only fails to achieve their expected purpose, but also causes children to reject or fear the opposite sex when choosing a partner.

"Children need idols in their growth stage, especially adolescent children, who are in a kind of worship demand of human instinct. Many girls like to imitate the walking style of other beautiful girls, while boys like famous athletes to show their strength through exercise. In fact, this is all an instinctive imitation that needs to be recognized by the same sex and the opposite sex. "

However, most parents or teachers often prohibit puppy love completely, and instilling puppy love will have a bad influence on children, leading to children's fear and resistance to the opposite sex when they contact the opposite sex. Children of this age also have this natural need for love, both for loving others and being loved. After a long time, this kind of love that cannot be released will naturally be biased towards the same sex, and I feel safe with the same sex and will not be criticized by my parents and teachers. In this case, when the ability of defining gender in adolescence is not very strong, there will be gender deviation, which will lead to the emergence of homosexuality in adolescence.

For the change of sexual orientation in adolescence, not only the attitude of parents and teachers to "puppy love" should be solved, but also the contact between parents and the opposite sex will subtly affect children.

How to establish children's sexual orientation and how to deal with the problem of puppy love is a problem worthy of our consideration. There are many ways to solve the problem of puppy love. Many parents and teachers take a tough attitude to solve it, but the result is counterproductive. Children's puppy love is actually a normal emotional expression, sometimes even simple, but we adults think too much. Therefore, parents must communicate with their children in many ways, not only respecting their children, but also respecting their feelings. Sometimes children's feelings are very strong, so don't be condescending, and deal with this problem in a reprimanding and sarcastic tone.

At the same time, we should honestly explain to him the responsibilities of both parties in love, not only not to hurt each other, but also to consider the problem from each other's point of view, so that children can not only understand their parents' good intentions, but also learn the truth of being a man from this aspect and grow up slowly.

Of course, at this stage, the way children communicate with the opposite sex is largely imitated by adults. As parents, we should first deal with the contact with the opposite sex, so that children feel that it is normal to contact with the opposite sex or the same sex. Abortion's mother is a counterexample. When she carries out such psychotherapy for her children, she will still take a female companion to make a decision for her, which will subconsciously tell abortion that homosexuality is safe and reliable, while ignoring the irreplaceable position and role of the opposite sex in life.

As parents, we should solve the psychological problems of children, especially teenagers, respect their feelings, and don't demand children by parents' standards. Children's own growth is an irresistible force. Communication and counseling are the best ways to solve the problems in children's growth, and also the best medicine to help children really mature!

If you do this, you will make your child poor for life if you are not careful.

Poverty is first of all a kind of consciousness. I can't afford it, they can afford it, and I am not as good as them. Then there are two possible consequences, either admit it or rise up. Examples of recognition abound. Look at your neighbors on the left and on the right. Are recognized as public maps.

This sentence has been said 100 times. Before the child is 6 years old, one of the tasks of parents has been completed, that is, to make the child unable to escape from the consciousness of poverty all his life. Under the subtle communication skills of his parents, he decided to be poor all his life. This is the famous too expensive effect.

The collateral effects are also good, such as inferiority, introversion, anxiety and loneliness. There may also be some good qualities, such as stubbornness, stubbornness, doubt, unyielding, daring to challenge fate and indomitable struggle against poverty.

You see, many rich people work hard and then become rich. However, most of these models still have poor thinking consciousness. For example, some people sell luxury cars wildly, or replace large wattage light bulbs in the corridor, which are all caused by psychological obstacles in the past.

Sometimes inferiority complex is caused by poverty consciousness. People are inferior to others, and strive to surpass them. Even if they do, poverty consciousness still stubbornly affects the judgment of things, talents and markets. Poverty consciousness has long been ingrained in my heart.

Rich people will also lose the opportunity to identify the value. They don't understand that rich people value money more, so they know more about the value brought by money, of course, not the role of showing off. Without money, try not to buy high-priced products, there is no chance of appreciation.

If you have more money, buy expensive ones, and don't seriously evaluate the value of products. Sometimes, even the value of the expensive product you buy is unknown. For example, people who own LV bags don't know the core value orientation of LV.

There are many manifestations of poverty consciousness, and the problem is single, black and white, and divided into good and bad.

Lost the ability to identify value, and then lost the ability to look at others and look at others objectively. I look down on people as poor as me. If you are richer than me, you envy it, or you hate it. Then I lost the ability to know myself, either giving up myself or expanding myself.

Poverty consciousness was formed before the age of six. Once it is formed, it will never get rid of it, or it will be difficult to get rid of it. The focus of children's education is not children, but parents. As a parent, think back to how many times you heard the language of poverty awareness before you were 6 years old.

I have respected my children, and they don't know good or bad?

I remember a mother who was a teacher once asked me a question after a parent class: Mr. Tang, I have achieved the equality you said, but what if the child still loves face?

I asked the parent at that time: What is a "thin face"? Should children "face down"?

Now I also want to ask: What is "ingratitude"? Is this sentence questioning or despising and condemning?

What kind of heart is the person who asked this sentence? Is this a heart equal to a child? Is this a heart that respects children?

When I translate the idea behind this sentence, everyone will understand: I have put up with you for a long time, I respect you so much, I am so equal, and I bend down to accommodate you so much. Are you not grateful? I finally couldn't bear it, and I had to confide in my depressed voice: Don't be so embarrassed! Don't be so ungrateful!

Obviously, this is not an equal heart. An equal heart is: I should respect others, others don't respect me, and some people do things against my will. That's his business. If there is a problem, I can solve it, but I will respect him and help him solve it.

"Why do I respect them and they don't appreciate it?" And "Mr. Tang, I have achieved the equality you said, but what if the child is still facing up?" There is a contempt for children in the bones of those who say this. He has no respect for children in his heart. He is just patient and pretends to respect them. It's just that sometimes he doesn't know it himself, and he feels that he is respecting the children, so he will ask such questions and send out such feelings.

Let's think, "Don't close your face!" "Don't be ungrateful!" Under what circumstances and to what kind of people did you say such a thing? What an insult the speaker's heart will be when he hears such words! ? Will they think that we are respecting them and being equal to them? If we are equal and respect each other, can we say this?

This is not true. Respect is just patience. That is: you are not a thing, I am angry with you, but I have to pretend to be a gentleman, I have to endure it, and when I can't help it, it will explode.

There are several levels of human respect:

On the first level, respect is a kind of going its own way, not considering others and ignoring others. Such people are called "rough people" in the world, and people without knowledge and knowledge may be such people;

On the second level, respect is the accomplishment of a well-dressed gentleman. They themselves are distinguishing between elegance and vulgarity. They think what they do is elegant, so they pretend to do it, but they don't like it in their hearts. Doing so will split their internal and external practice, so although they know patience, they will burst out sooner or later. They just want to do that, just pretend that this is a well-dressed gentleman. There is no real tolerance and respect in their hearts. Their elegance and respect are fake. The more elegant and respectful they are, the greater the pressure will be, instead of being happy and relaxed. There are many such excellent people in society, many knowledgeable people, and even many so-called "masters" are such people;

On the third level, respect is a natural existence and an acceptance. Existence is what a person becomes, that is, a person feels from the heart that he should respect others and will do so naturally and truly, without any falsehood. According to Confucius, he is "doing what he wants from his heart" and now he respects it. To respect is to naturally achieve respect from what you want. At this time, respect is not artificial. This kind of person will naturally have the same respect for everyone. He doesn't think he has the right to get angry with someone and say things like "Don't be embarrassed" and "Don't be ungrateful". They will accept and help change everything in the world. When they accept it, they will think that everything in each other is just and normal. I have no right to be angry or to make irresponsible remarks. It is normal for children to have self-control. At this time, an accepting heart will sincerely produce a kind of goodwill: these little things, they are pursuing happiness, but they don't know how to pursue happiness. I want to help them and get real happiness, not be punished by others! Therefore, acceptance is the real respect. There are very few such people in society.

We see that knowledge has little to do with a person's true cultivation level, and people with knowledge know more about respect. Often some intellectuals have obvious inequality in their bones. They don't know how to respect, they just pretend. This is what most people call cultivation, which is far from enough. True respect for people comes from the heart, from a person's existence, and it is definitely not how to respect, not the respect shown on the surface, not that I put up with you, but that I really accepted you. Acceptance is the best respect.

Equal thinking holds that respect is to make the object of communication feel respected.

As long as we don't accept it in our hearts, the other party will definitely feel our inner disrespect from the heart.

The difference between children and great men lies in education.

A son born in a rich family, his parents can't let him live a half-starved and half-full life like a poor child;

As for the daughter from a poor family, it is impossible for her parents to let her live a life of gold and silver, like the children of rich families.

In fact, we just need to turn over the history of ancient and modern China and foreign countries and look at those great men or outstanding people who have done something. It is not the result of poor support and rich support, but the result of family education!

Sima Guang and Zeng Guofan both lit a lamp of wisdom for China in the education of their children and grandchildren.

Especially Zhuge Liang's godson book, written with strong intention and concise meaning:

"Static to cultivate one's morality, frugal to cultivate one's morality. If you don't stay in the garden, you will be unclear, restless and not far away. You must be quiet before you can study. If you don't learn, you can't be versatile, and if you don't want to learn, you can't succeed. Debauchery can't have vitality, and danger can't have temperament. "

Although there is the word "frugality" in the adopted son's book, it does not mean "poor support" It can be said that thrift is an eternal virtue embodied in a person, whether he is poor or rich, whether he is male or female!

It can be seen that education is the most basic standard of "yes" and "no" that a person must understand from an early age, and it is something and common sense that must be understood;

Education is an elegant and calm beauty reflected by a person's inner good character cultivation, which can make a person float out of his bones.

Therefore, when a person is well educated, he can behave in accordance with the norms, advance and retreat moderately, and grasp the discretion between choices;

When he succeeds, he can go to heaven, but he won't get carried away;

In failure, he can feel dejected and overcome setbacks, but he will not be depressed;

Being an official is either rich or expensive, and he will not lose his conscience and will not lose his hidden heart;

As a man in cloth, he will still be proud and be a man with bright eyes;

After making a mistake, you will definitely find the crux from yourself, instead of blindly blaming others and shirking responsibility in every way.

Education is not exclusive to the rich and the poor, but a priceless treasure that any family, parents or teachers can give to children, and it is the lamp of wisdom in children's spiritual world.

A child born in a poor family and educated will overcome his inferiority complex and know how to base himself on reality and develop himself.

The child was born in a rich family and he has been educated. He knows how to use his advantages to open up the future.

Therefore, education is the soul of cultivating children's adults, the basis of educating children to become talents, the systematic project to make children develop physically and mentally in an all-round way, and the key to healthy psychological growth.

I just want to take the shortcut of raising the poor or raising the rich. The sword is biased, seemingly ingenious, and I think I can win by surprise. The result is often counterproductive!

Educating children is a knowledge that cannot be covered by "supporting the poor and supporting the rich";

Educating children is a kind of wisdom and a test of parents' own upbringing!