How to deal with the cold violence of lovers

How to deal with the cold violence of lovers

When there is cold violence in intimate relationship, it will make people very uncomfortable, so how should we deal with the cold violence of our lover? What I want to share with you is how to deal with the cold violence of my lover. Welcome to browse.

Cold violence, also called psychology? Build a wall to escape? I sum up cold violence as? Six. No? Don't look, ignore, and don't ask. Ignore, don't care, don't contact

In my marriage and family counseling cases, more and more visitors come to tell me about marriage? Cold violence? The problem is. Although all the windows are open, the air in the room is still frozen, which makes people breathless and hysterical? Ms. Wang told me one of her feelings. He treats me like air! ?

When they got married, they really fell in love, and everyone thought they were a good match. One or two years after giving birth, her husband's feelings for her have turned 180 degrees. He always lingers in the office after work and seldom goes home for dinner. Even when he goes home for dinner, he always looks cold, expressionless and silent. She tried to communicate with him countless times, but he didn't say anything, at most? Okay？ Or? Not good? ; She asked him why he ignored it, and his reaction was? Tired, don't want to talk, what is there to say? What are you talking about? Reject the attitude of others. At first, Ms. Wang would hysterically try to get his attention, but it didn't work later. On the contrary, her husband is indifferent to her, so he respects her. Ice? Many years have passed, and the only topic that can make them talk more is the life arrangement related to children. Recently, Ms. Wang often feels depressed, listless, wronged and controlled, her feelings become fragile and excitable, and she often feels lonely psychologically. ? It is better to leave than to live like this. . However, she was reluctant to get married, and there was a serious psychological conflict between separation and non-separation, so she came to ask for help.

This is typical? Domestic cold violence? Mental violence of indifference, contempt, laissez-faire or alienation. It is a typical recessive emotional violence. With serious lethality and long-term cold violence? Abused? Some customers easily fall into depression.

In real marriage life, cold domestic violence is not uncommon. According to statistics, 80% of divorce cases have cold domestic violence. A harbor that should be happy has turned into a cold ice prison, which makes people sad.

Let's look at the common features of cold violence:

(1) indifferent;

(2) Minimize language communication; Intentionally avoid contact between two people;

(3) Defamation and cynicism;

4 stop or perfunctory sexual life;

(5) completely irresponsible for family affairs.

(6) Some people will suddenly disappear for a period of time, completely ignoring the feelings of their families, letting their emotions go, doing things according to their feelings, and not assuming the obligations and responsibilities of husband and wife and family.

Research shows that in a problematic marriage, indifference is more harmful to the marriage than shouting, and it is more likely to lead to the breakdown of the marriage.

It sounds strange, doesn't it? This is because yelling is irrational, but at least you have the will to communicate with each other and express your dissatisfaction, so it is easier to know each other's thoughts and feelings. If you are indifferent and silent, not only can you not find the crux, but you often reflect your determination to be disheartened and unwilling to work hard. Have you already respected each other? Ice? Therefore, it often leads to extramarital affairs. Sorrow is greater than the death of the soul. Be careful if you die, marriage can't survive naturally.

It is worth mentioning that compared with physical violence, cold violence mostly appears in intellectual families. The reason is:

(1) Are they bound by social roles, such as being educated from an early age? A gentleman talks but doesn't do it?

(2) I think physical violence is a barbaric way, so I often take a very covert way of cold violence to express my dissatisfaction.

(3) The more education you receive, the more delicate your emotional requirements and the stronger your self-esteem, and no one wants to show weakness to anyone.

I know how to protect myself legally, so I don't want to say anything.

Domestic cold violence has now become a common problem in society. In families with contradictions, 88% of the families will have the phenomenon that the husband and wife ignore each other, more than 30% of the families will slam the door or throw things, 48% of the families will have abusive and verbal attacks, and only 20% of the families will really have the husband beating his wife. Through such a survey, we find that domestic cold violence is a social reality, and it has become a very important aspect of family life.

For cold violence, as family members, we need to understand it and analyze it in order to find more effective ways to face it and solve it. This is something we must learn as modern people, which directly affects the happiness of everyone in the family and the result of family construction. Therefore, the theme of family cold violence is very important for our ability to get a happy life and build a harmonious family. It is particularly important to understand the meaning behind cold violence.

Cold violence is sometimes a means of breaking up, which is divided into several stages:

The first stage: indifference

He suddenly became very busy, didn't care about you so much, and people became indifferent. When you feel unbearable, you may ask him what happened, and he will only use it. Busy? 、? Tired? 、? Stress? For this reason.

The second stage: you try to retreat.

He stopped contacting you, and the relationship became colder and colder. You may be angry and your mood will fluctuate. Finally, when you feel unbearable, you will say? I can't take it anymore. Let's break up. ? However, you don't really want to separate from him, but actually want to save his attention to you. At this time, the other party often seems to be touched and will coax you, etc., and your relationship has eased.

The third stage: tug of war

The days of relaxation are short, and he begins to ignore you again, and it becomes more and more serious, which makes you completely lose patience and torture yourself repeatedly on whether to make a decision, and your emotional state becomes very bad. At this point, if you break up again, he will stop responding and just keep silent.

The fourth stage: despair, sobriety and ending.

You finally decided to leave, but his attitude was still ambiguous. When you see the truth clearly, everything will be over.

In fact, you don't have to torture yourself to choose the end. When you are in cold violence, you can get yourself out of this black hole. However, it is no easier to leave the intimate relationship of mental/emotional abuse than to stay away from physical violence, because abusers are often masters of psychological manipulation, and sometimes the abused don't even feel that they are being subjected to violence, but think that they are not doing well enough.

What is behind the cold violence? Abuser? And then what? Abused? Psychological mechanism of forced repetition

The subjective intention of cold violence is manifested in the subconscious level, which is controlled by some beliefs in the subconscious, including the abused and the abuser. A masochist sometimes becomes an abuser, and an abuser also becomes an abuser. If you have to constantly play the role of abuser or masochist in your life, it will actually be a very painful experience.

In infancy, the former was extremely neglected by his mother (especially in the past years, some people would regard the baby as an emotionless object) and had to accept cold violence completely in despair. Cold violence occurs at this age because babies at this stage can't distinguish the subject-object relationship between themselves and their parents, and have no concept of self, so it is easier to identify with their parents, thus achieving the purpose of self-protection. The way to protect yourself is to identify with the environment and isolate yourself from your own feelings. Like the latter, he has no sense of self-existence. His way to deal with this sense of non-existence is to continue to isolate himself and refuse to feel others. This kind of people are sometimes similar to the set procedures. They will continue to do things according to the requirements of society, and even have great perseverance, but they don't think it is important or need to know their own feelings. Similarly, naturally, they can't understand the needs of others in intimate relationships, and even subconsciously may unconsciously add this pain to others because they are suffering from isolation and fracture, forming similar revenge. As we know, there are at least three modes in everyone, namely, inner parents, inner children and adult self. The self-model of this situation has basically been completely isolated from the inner children.

The latter was treated with cold violence in childhood. Perhaps many parents' cold violence is not as extreme as in the case, but this so-called educational method similar to ignoring children and making them yield is not uncommon. In this case, the child has an obvious self-concept and begins to feel what it is. What about you? What is this? Me? , right? Is that how you treat me? Respond to this situation and feel more neglected and despised. Children who grow up in this way for a long time are most obviously unconfident (without sense of value), independent (without sense of existence), weak, without self-boundary, afraid of resisting unfair treatment, insecure and deeply hurt by cold violence, but they are afraid of repeating the fate of childhood, so they are more likely to enter the relationship treated by cold violence again. Constantly repeating the pattern of childhood and the trauma of fighting it. Different from the previous one, or on the contrary, in this case, the parties basically live in the mode that the inner children are the masters of the country, and occasionally adults will appear to maintain their own living conditions.

These two ways seem to be opposite, but they have the same sense of existence and value to the injured self. On the other hand, children who grew up in such a family with cold and violent parents will inevitably be affected. The former may be equally cold and violent to children, while the latter is more likely to project their inner needs on children, causing them to pay excessive attention. Either way, this may once again open the hotbed of the next generation of cold violence mode. Therefore, realizing the influence of family of origin on each other is also an important part of breaking the deadlock.

In order to break the cold violence, we need to do the following:

First of all, be true to yourself, see clearly your values, goals and needs, understand what you really want and create. In fact, our partners are only responsible for cleaning up our childhood injuries. Personally, I think that whether we can get respect depends entirely on how we look at ourselves and how we create happiness.

Secondly, don't be tempted by each other's emotions. Don't lose your original appearance because of each other. A truly happy person is a person who can be himself. On the other hand, it is very necessary to leave space and time for each other in intimate relationships. Although the interests of both sides are very important, only when you have your own life and circle can you create more surprises and possibilities for each other. Two people's energy influences each other, and you become? Little sun? , will naturally melt him.

Third, learn to consistently express needs. In an intimate relationship, the most important thing is to be yourself and not hide yourself. If you can sincerely express your needs and feelings in the relationship without judging or imposing on others, then the other person will feel safe and naturally want to be close to you. The most beautiful intimate relationship is to help each other present each other's best and most beautiful appearance.

Fifth, ask for help. Ask relatives and friends or professionals for help when necessary, and explore the possibilities behind cold violence together to get more choices.

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