Come in and tell jokes ~ ~ Give points if they are funny ~ ~

1 unit, a leader said "I wish you good health ..." Hold your breath, there is no more words.

I once booked a hotel for my boss. I wanted to ask if there was any free internet service, but I couldn't figure out how to say it, so I asked him, "Excuse me, do you have any special services here?"

The other party: "What? Special service We are a regular hotel! "

-__-! ! ! !

Third, the old four in the dormitory got out of bed and looked for slippers for a long time. No, I asked everyone: Where are my slippers?

When shopping, my friend suddenly exclaimed, "Wow! Virgin bookstore! "I was shocked. I looked up and saw a plaque with four big characters-foreign language bookstore-_ _!

Once I went to buy mutton kebabs and put out four fingers to say "three mutton kebabs" to my boss.

The boss received "How much?"

I held out three more fingers and said "four" ...

Our general manager is surnamed Zhou. I was driving as soon as he called. When I get nervous, I say, "Premier Zhou ..."

My surname is Zhu, the computer room of the management unit. Someone once called my mobile phone: "Sir Chicken, are you in the pigsty?" I was yelling at that guy.

8. Waiting in line in the canteen, I heard a boy next to me say, "Master, a bowl of bullet cauliflower soup!" (Porphyra and egg soup) Haha, I laughed until I sprayed the soup.

One day, I ate slowly in the rice noodle shop and was hungry.

Finally, I couldn't bear to strike the table and roar. I wanted to say no to rice noodles, so I lifted the table!

The result said, "Boss! ! ! ! I'll eat the table without rice noodles! ! ! ! "

The whole store was silent for 3 seconds, and then burst into laughter under the table ... shame. ...

My parents were quarreling at 10, and my father said angrily, "I'll go out!" "

1 1 High school plays basketball. After getting the ball, A selflessly passed it to B, and B scored easily. After a while, B got the ball and A shouted to pass it to him. B threw it himself. As a result, A shouted angrily: I was really blind just now ... The audience was dizzy with laughter.

In the impression of 12, the monitor in primary school was extremely serious. A self-study class, the classroom was crowded with people. After several times of maintaining order, the monitor was finally fed up. He stood up, patted the table and shouted, whoever makes any more noise will break his mouth! ! ! ..... class be quiet.

At the university of 13, we asked a buddy how Manchester United was. He said excitedly, "Manchester United lost and Beckham took two yellow plates!" "

14 Don't work in porcelain without a golden hoop.

15 When I was in college, a teacher gave a lecture and talked about a new material, saying, "The sexual function of this material can't be compared with that of the old material ... Oh, no, the performance and function ..."

16 just went to college for military training. The company commander didn't know where the accent came from and shouted the password-"Drill to the left!" "Drill to the right!"

17 when I was in college, I heard a girl order: master, stir-fry a plate of hot and sour potato shreds, not potatoes!

18 When I was a sophomore, our Chinese teacher was an old teacher who had just transferred from Nanchang to Beijing. He has a strong accent. His son is attached to the Department of Architecture of Tsinghua, which is also the purpose of his coming to Beijing. He is very proud of his son and always tells us about his son.

I always say, "My moth (son) is from the Department of Frog (Tsinghua) and Toad (Architecture)." ...

If moths jump on frogs and toads, won't they become snacks? ...

19 cooking at noon, my mother made me a pot of carrots: "Go, cut the carrots into diced meat!" "

A colleague asked me yesterday. How to write festivals? I replied: add a festival section under the grass prefix and remove the grass prefix! All the staff burst into laughter! I haven't reacted yet ~ ~ ~ ~!

When I was looking for a job, the examiner asked me when I would graduate.

I wanted to say 2000, but when I got excited, I said, "Two thousand years ago. . . "

What's more, the examiner sighed and said, "Confucius' student. "

Just after school started 10 minutes, my deskmate raised her hand and said, teacher, I want to go to the toilet.

The English teacher said unhappily: How old are you to go to the toilet?

I have a classmate who has been reviewing the computer level 3 exam. One day, while playing football, another classmate took the ball to the bottom line and only heard him shout: Enter! Get back in the car! (in the middle)

I remember once buying a fruit called Elizabeth. I opened my mouth and said, boss, how much is Shakespeare? The boss froze on the spot.

The physics teacher said, "It's a thick spring. I pushed from both ends to see if there was any densification (constipation). "

Listen to your classmates,

Once a girl in her dormitory went to buy sanitary napkins.

Say to the boss: a pack of sanitary napkins.

The boss actually asked: Do you want three delicacies or spicy food?

Then the classmate paused and said, Sam Hsien, I'm afraid I can't stand spicy food. . .

26. Senior college student, late for educational psychology ... walked into the classroom and glanced at the blackboard. The old professor was angry and asked her to answer the questions on the blackboard. Senior sister faltered for a long time and said, "This is too difficult to talk about." The whole class is nervous. Attention. Professor's original title:)

A very good male classmate of mine fell to the ground, and I asked a question to show my concern: "Does your ass hurt?" As a result, I accidentally said, "Your ass fell to death." Sweat ~ ~ The brother stood up and patted his ass, farted and said, "He is still breathing!" " I just fainted.

Drinking with leaders and others, he raised his glass and said loudly, "Let's die together!" " My brain was too hot. ......

On one occasion, the photographer of our newspaper interviewed the star of Anonymous and told him how he met the star at the meeting. The boss looked at a pile of photos on the table and made a joke: I see you have become his royal photographer. But the boss's southern Mandarin is not clear, so he pronounced "Yu" as "Japanese". From then on, this poor photographer was called "everyday photographer" by us. He worked overtime, and of course he became a "night photographer".

Boss, do you have a toilet paper hunger card?

3 1 Our colleague went on a business trip, so the dealer invited us to dinner. If you want to pee while eating, the dealer said there is a bathroom opposite. If you go, you can tell the door that we are eating across the street, so it's free. In order to save twenty cents, our colleague went straight ahead and confidently said to the toilet administrator, "I'm here for dinner!" " "

I'm from the logistics department. After the new year, customers call to ask when the goods will arrive before the festival. Because the holidays were so chaotic these days, I couldn't figure out the contents of the order, so I asked, What are you?

A friend of mine has just watched The Legend of the Condor Heroes, and he is very interested in "fighting the dog to win the battle" and often plays jokes on others.

One day, as usual, he. Kicked a man and shouted "kick the dog's leg!" " Everyone laughed wildly, and he felt embarrassed, so he kicked again and shouted, "Dog kicks!" " "

When I was in high school, I went out to work during the holidays.

I want to find a job as a waiter in a restaurant.

I'm nervous because I'm a child, and this is my first job.

Originally I wanted to ask the manager if he needed a job, but I also wanted to say that it would be more subtle to ask him if he needed manpower.

The result said, "Manager, do you need a beater here?"

I almost found a hole to get into.

Once I went to the market to buy food and prepare for dinner. A Korean friend bought lettuce and asked for 2.4 yuan. He gave all the change to the vendor, but he was still short of a dime, so he said to the vendor-

"I gave you all my hair, so I have no hair."

The peddler was speechless, and it took him a long time to answer-

I don't want your hair.

The manager usually says to smokers at meetings: smokers are strangled! !

I remember when KFC went out to spread its wings and spread its fragrance, because I didn't see the advertisement and heard what others said, I always thought it was Liu Xiang who endorsed KFC. When I get to Ken, tell the waiter directly that I want Liu Xiang to spread her wings. . .

After the 38 KFC Sudan Red Incident, I went to KFC.

The waiter asked, what do you want to eat?

I didn't even think about it: a pair of Sudan red.

The waiter immediately looked as if he was choking.

I went to a small shop for dinner with some colleagues after work the other day. There were quite a lot of people in the shop at that time. A fat waiter is as busy as a bee. A colleague shouted "waiter ~ ~" and the girl ran over: "What are the accounts of several nodes?"

We all fell down at that time, and then we went to this restaurant for dinner. When ordering, we shouted "waiter pays the bill", and then when we finished eating, we shouted "order! ! "

I met my colleague in the bathroom at noon, and suddenly I didn't know what word to say hello to. The tie asked, "Have you eaten?" After asking, I was annoyed and embarrassed. The colleague replied, "Yes, and you?" I'm dizzy ~ ~ ~ ~

4 1 my colleague asked about the exchange rate between RMB and Japanese yen, and he said, how can apes exchange it with Japanese yen?

42 dormitory brothers watch Prison Break, which is a scene where a man takes out a blade from his mouth and kills people. The boss suddenly jumped out: "I'm k, I can still talk with my mouth hidden in the blade, and I'm convinced." . . "

One day at noon, my mother asked my brother to move the dining table to the side. My brother hasn't moved for a long time, and my mother said this:

"Did you hear that? ! I told you to move the table two kilometers to the side. "

=_=! ! !

After the impassioned speech of the trade union chairman, the last sentence reached a climax: Comrades, let's do our work better this year than next year! The whole audience fell.

Our teacher is very good. One day, he said, "Take out your homework, let's check the answers, cross the correct ones, and then write the correct answers on them ..."

I called my long-lost friend and learned that he was "suspended with pay"

There are so many beauties in Jiangshan, and countless heroes shoot eagles. . . . . .

Go to the cinema to watch Pirates of the Caribbean 3. There is a trailer for Transformers before the movie starts. I couldn't remember "Megatron" or his team name "Decepticons" when I saw the leader of the crazy faction, because I was so excited that I exclaimed a little "How handsome! It's eight days in the south! " What's terrible is that it was suddenly very quiet at that time without any movie sound effects, and many people stared at me and laughed ... what a pity!

Have dinner with a group of friends

One of them was probably betrayed by his brother. He was depressed, drank a lot of beer, and then stood up with a loud cry.

Brother! Not for sale! ! !

I think what I'm trying to say is that brothers are not for sale

At that time, more than a dozen people at our table were lying down.