Goodbye 2020: We must finally learn to reconcile with ourselves.

Figure | Yingxian Society

In 2020, the thirty-third year of life officially opened. Time is always ruthless. At the age of 23, I never imagined that my life would be like this in ten years. There was silence at this time. Occasionally, cars passing by will make a piercing sound in the snow that has not completely melted, and enter the dark living room through the foggy French window.

I don't know from which year, every year will be a summary of the past year, one year, two years, three years ... This habit has been maintained for a long time and gradually became a ceremony. Standing at the junction of the old year and the new year, I can hear the sound of two rivers whizzing by. My left hand points to the past and my right hand leads to the future. I stand in the middle, like a lost child, at a loss and with mixed feelings.

This year has really passed quickly. The world has not slowed down because of the changes in people's living conditions. This year, we still strive to live a good life, do everything possible to pursue our so-called ideal illusion, and then after all the dust settles, express our regret for the past 365 days, thinking that if we had chosen another road, everything would be fine, and if we understood it, we would be happy again. Day after day, cycle after cycle, we grow old slowly in this cycle. When I was young, I had many desires. I wanted to live a free and colorful life, and I also wanted to have all kinds of luxuries. Later, I came to understand that people will grow old day by day, and desire itself will become a luxury. After Qian Fan, we suddenly realized that we must learn to make peace with ourselves.

A while ago, Normal University, the alma mater of high school, caught fire. Singer Terry Lin kept his promise for ten years and personally went to the affiliated middle school to sing "Love Song of Singles" with the students. My college roommate told me the news, and he asked me if I just caught it ten years ago. I replied that he didn't. I graduated in 2008. That year, I bid farewell to teenagers, attached middle schools, new concepts, literature, old dreams and youth. At that time, I didn't know what fate was waiting for me at all, and I naively looked forward to the next four years with Jun Jun: Jun Jun said that I could buy the first movie without falling; I said that after college, I have enough time to read all kinds of magazines I want to read and write what I want to write.

I don't know the person who spoke last, but I think he must have gone to his ideal school. Recently, I watched a workplace reality show recommended by a friend. An intern in the program felt that if he had been diligent, he would not be so desperate to fight back now. Looking back on my life, I didn't realize that I needed hard work to get what I wanted when I was young. I once dreamed of Guanghua School in Peking University, but when I wrote articles in high school, I didn't post any slogans to motivate myself or countdown to the college entrance examination. At that time, I felt that everything should be as natural as usual after so many years of life: a natural math contest and a natural new concept composition contest, so I naturally should go to college and then go abroad. All this should happen naturally in such a natural order. For the college entrance examination, I didn't take it seriously at that time, and the details of universities and majors were not worth delving into. However, these things were taken for granted and did not happen later.

After listening to me, I said that I didn't take the college entrance examination seriously at that time. Lu Xiao, a graduate of Peking University, opened his eyes wide and asked in surprise, "What did you think at that time?" At that time, we were participating in company training at the castle of Kitzbir town at the foot of the Austrian Alps. After a busy day of training and project work, we had a long talk in a double room of 10 square meters. It is already very cold in Austria in early autumn, and there is a thin layer of frost on the window of the room facing the main entrance of the castle. Since 2008, I seem to have lost my ability to be happy. It's just that everything came too late. Afterwards, I gradually discovered that the university is a watershed. All the light that once shone will come to an abrupt end at that moment, and then a new milestone will be opened at that moment as the origin and direction of life from now on. Looking back now, twelve years later, I failed to live my dream life with Jun Jun, and my thoughts at that time became pale and ridiculous.

My wife often tells me that she doesn't think I am an unhappy person. She said that maybe my subconscious thought I needed these negative emotions, and I would use them as my protective color or driving force; And the unhappy status quo that I have always acquiesced in is actually the normal state of most people. I sometimes wonder if I can live a happier life if I stay in Changchun after graduation. Surrounded by friends who grew up together. Under the protection of my parents, I live a nine-to-five life in a slow-paced government agency. Don't worry about your livelihood, whether the house price has gone up again, and don't worry about losing your legal status. Is there no pain without hard work?

At the end of last year, my father and I chatted in the VIP lounge on the 6th floor of Le Meridien Seoul/KLOC-0. Looking out from the sofa next to the French window, the afterglow of the sunset mapped the street view of Jiangnan so ambiguous. Rows of luxury houses strewn at random on the long hillside, located in the low parking lot, carrying luxury cars dressed as women in and out, announcing the busyness of the city. My father told me that it is very difficult to cross a class, and it often takes several generations of efforts to achieve it. Then my father solemnly told me that his task had been completed, and now give me the baton. For some time, I have always believed that as long as I work hard, I can and should achieve something, and I am the last runner to reach the finish line. Later, it was painfully discovered that I was no different. I am just one of many relay runners, and I can only run a short distance in my life. I remember that boss Xiao and I talked about a similar topic before we left Cleveland. He said that he would go to Hong Kong to seek a breakthrough. He shoulders the mission of family advancement, and he will try his best to climb as high as he can. At that moment, I remembered many years ago, before graduating from Jun Jun, watching the Central Avenue on the top floor of Shaw Building. Jun Jun said with deep feelings, "People still have to stand on high places." I am always unwilling, how I want to know what kind of world will be at the end of the world.

20 19 interviewed two companies. The day before interviewing two smart horses was Thursday. I just flew back to Boston from Mexico, and then took the red-eye flight to new york. As a result, the flight was delayed again and again because of the weather. By the time I checked into the hotel, it was already four o'clock in the morning and the interview was at nine o'clock the next morning. One of the interviewers is the project manager of McKinsey's new york office. He saw on my resume that I had won a prize in a literary competition, so we started talking about literature. As an Iranian who grew up in France, he became interested in mathematics while studying literature at Harvard University, so he minored in mathematics. Later, I did many different jobs and started my own business. Then I worked at McKinsey for five years. During this period, he insisted on writing, published his own novel at his own expense and won the literary prize. We had a good talk, and the whole one-hour interview turned into a literary exchange meeting. After the interview, he accompanied me to the elevator and gave me a T-shirt of their company. Next Monday, when my flight just landed at Cretaro Airport, I received two rejection letters from Sima. The Iranian Frenchman conveyed the news in a slightly regretful tone, and then wrote at the end of the email: "You must keep writing!" The interview for the second company took place when I was working on a project in Korea. I flew back to Seoul from Lishui on Friday, took a taxi from Gimpo Airport for an hour and a half, arrived at the hotel in the city, washed and changed clothes, and dragged my tired body for a two-hour video interview. After the interview, it was already two in the morning. I didn't even take off my tie, so I lay on the bed and didn't want to move at all. At that moment, I was homesick as never before.

At the beginning of this year, my old friend Yan Qing came to Boston for an activity. He has just been admitted to the MIT MBA program. So I asked about his application experience, and he told me that MBA application is a game, and we need to arrange our troops according to the rules of the game, which requires the help of an application consultant. So he recommended his application consultant to me, and I wanted to sprint again. After all, having a prestigious school background is a stepping stone to the elite and a shortcut to career development. This time, I made a complete preparation. I spent two months studying GRE, did a complete homework on all the materials and topics that can be found in the market, and finally got the score of 163+ 170. I got a recommendation letter from McKinsey partner and former CTO of hedge fund to write my application. The consultant and I are very satisfied with the application materials, and I am full of confidence this time. As a result, Harvard finally rejected me, and my name was not on the list of 732 people. Life completely blocked my shortcut to the elite. In the end, I am no different from others. I didn't start my imaginary second life, because not everyone has such an opportunity.

On the night of receiving the rejection letter, I drove to the door of a CVS in Cambridge and chatted with my Korean partner. Because of his green card, he flies back to America every six months. We chatted casually, and he told me that the people in the Korean project team still miss me very much. I smiled with relief. He said he was leaving the negotiation, and no matter how hard he tried, he just cleared some obstacles for the people above. I asked him where he was going next, but he said he hadn't decided yet, but he wanted to do something he really liked. Then he asked me what my future plans were. I shook my head and said I didn't know, but I wanted to live a happy life. Then we looked at each other and laughed.

I didn't go straight home that night, but drove along the Charles River alone. I opened the window as wide as I could, and there was a song in the stereo, "Will the world get better?" And the song rippled with the wind at night in Boston. Under the blazing light, there were intermittent raindrops. At first it was broken. Slowly, it rained harder and harder, and then it became a line. More and more heavy rain activates the wiper, and the spring generally swings left and right with the rhythm of the song. In fact, Boston is no different from the cities I have experienced before. We meet by chance and then go our separate ways. There is nothing better than this. I remembered a long-lost trip to Changchun last year, and took two subway lines that had just been opened to the place where I once lived. What I see is not the familiar relief, but the unrecognizable sadness. The city is expanding and rebuilding at an alarming rate every year. My grandmother's rugged old street has long since disappeared. I feel very sad. I can't find my familiar neighbors, small shops and comic book houses when I was a child.

In 2020, I ended my thirty-two years. I don't have a prestigious school background, and I am doing ordinary things in an ordinary company, holding a basic salary and a 24% bonus that is not worth showing off; I will regret that I have not achieved the achievements of my peers, I will be scared by the cost of buying a house and having children, I will feel mediocre when I look back on my achievements, I will cheer myself up after complaining and tell myself not to dwell on the past. After all, it has passed, and the past is not like smoke.

Because we must finally learn to make peace with ourselves, right?

——END——