Marriage and infidelity

1 Preface: The chance to meet the other half in life

2 Origin

3 The story of A and B

4 Why does it happen? Cheating?

5 Self-esteem consists of two parts

7 Why do women cheat?

8 China has the highest infidelity rate in the world. How did we lose our respect for marriage?

9 Marriage is a lonely place of practice

Preface to 10: The chance to meet the other half in life

China Grand Prize Lottery is issued three times a week, first class The probability of winning the prize is 1 in 17 million.

If a person starts from the age of 18 and lives to the age of 100, and buys more than 13,000 times in 82 years, buying the same numbers every time, he will spend his whole life to win the first prize. The probability is 0.0007.

A person will meet 29.2 million people in his lifetime. The probability of two people falling in love is only 0.000049, which is lower than the winning rate of buying the same lottery ticket in a lifetime.

It is a miracle that two people can meet in the vast sea of ??people. What is even more magical is that after meeting and getting to know each other, there can be someone who loves you so wholeheartedly

In the right place It is luck to meet the right person at the right time

It is a sigh to meet the right person at the wrong time.

When you meet the wrong person at the right time, you will be in trouble.

When you meet the wrong person at the wrong time, everything goes wrong.

Origin

I met friend A 10 years ago. She is my client. I am the marketing supervisor of a cosmetics company of client B. I go to the store to help her with activities and as a customer. Make achievements.

I was talking to A about my impression of me when I first met. I carry two bags, like a grocery shopping lady, and have nothing to do with fashion. God knows, I just think it is more convenient to put two pieces of clothes in the bag.

In summary: The first impression of the first meeting is very important, which determines the difficulty of advancing events in the future. This applies even to relationships between men and women.

I received a call from A outside today, saying he wanted to see me.

After I finished handling the matters at hand and returned to the company, A was already waiting for me at the company.

The first thing she said when she saw me was: Peony, you have lost weight.

Today she wore high-waisted suede pants, a midriff-baring crop top, and BLING BLING Roman-style high-heeled sandals. She walked very fast. She described it as like a gust of wind blowing past her, leaving behind The lingering fragrance...

The story of A and B

A and B (her nominal boyfriend) met on the forum of Renren, thanks to which Brother Wang Xing provided opportunities for communication between men and women on the Internet at that time. A is the poster of a certain forum, B is the bad kid who makes trouble there, B makes trouble, A deletes posts, cleans him up, they go back and forth, they don’t get to know each other until they get to know each other, it’s only been about half a year since they met and got together, I can’t do that here To describe it as falling in love, a few years later A discovered that this was basically a conspiracy, NO... it was a conspiracy.

The following is the conversation between me and A:

I asked A: How is your health?

What else can be done? I am a person with no future, living one day at a time.

(A was diagnosed with lymphoma three years ago and went to the hospital for two surgeries. I took care of her once)

Have you ever been married? Ever regretted it?

A: Actually, I have been married.

When I was eighteen years old, my family and my aunt made the decision to marry someone. It only took 4 months from the time the decision was made to the end of the marriage.

Why didn’t you resist when it was decided?

A: I was young at the time, and there was a lot of farm work at home, and my mother and aunt were talking about it every day.

Since you are married, why do you still want to do it?

A: I resisted all the time, but in the end the man couldn't stand it anymore and finally filed for divorce.

BWhat attracts you?

Humor, fun, making money, high emotional intelligence

What attracts you to B?

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How are you getting along now?

B and I are in a similar situation now. We are taking it one day at a time. B had another brain surgery in a hospital a few years ago. Before the surgery, B was still explaining her New Year’s gifts and her children’s money. The study situation (the girl adopted by A) seems to be explaining the funeral arrangements.

I saw A’s eyes full of nostalgia, emotion, and distress. It was the look of a woman who truly loves someone.

B paid attention to her body after surgery. What?

No, he should drink alcohol and eat meat. The doctor said that the blood vessels in his head are already very fragile, and a hemangioma may burst at any time.

The first time I was drunk at my house, I knocked my head and bleeded a lot. The doctor said that I could save my life. I was scared at the time. Fortunately, my family hired the best doctor. After a few days in the hospital, a life was finally saved.

The A I saw at this time still looked frightened. I can imagine how scared she was at that time.

Are you still in contact with B?

We usually chat on WeChat and don’t meet unless necessary

Why have you been with B for so long without getting married?

B’s selling points are: high emotional intelligence (he and his ex-wife who are abroad are not certified), single, and rich in money.

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Is he only doing this to you, a woman?

No, he does this to many women

In fact: I know that B has many women, and once even helped A call Xiaowu or Xiaoliu ? Damn, this man turned into a stallion, right? How many peach blossom debts have he incurred? despise! ! !

What kind of person are you?

When I was doing business in the past, I would rather pay a higher price to cooperate with another company than cooperate with a dishonest company with a cheap price.

Have you met any other interesting people?

There is a boy from Huadu in the middle who has been pursuing me. The reason why we are not together is because we knew at the first sight that he was not a marryable person.

How to tell?

He was like a little boy who asked me to coax him when he was angry... When you go to a hotel to eat, you can have lunch and dinner together. At that time, he was in a hurry to meet clients, so he did it on purpose Yes, he didn't say anything, and ran away in a hurry, without taking his mobile phone, wallet, or driving the car.

Okay, readers, after reading my conversation with A, you can sort out the relationship and personalities of A and B.

Relationship between A and B: couple (I feel like one-sided)

A, advantages: strong, big woman, devoted to love, somewhat capable, beautiful (when she was young) )

Disadvantages: Lack of effective communication, not considerate of men, careless, high-minded

B. Advantages: single, rich, high emotional intelligence, good with women, handsome (before gaining weight) ) Hahahahaha

Disadvantages: alcoholism, drinking, poor wine quality, romantic

But the most common shortcomings of A and B are: very weak control over desires , for example, A will read novels all night and all day, and the consequences will be staying up late, myopia and physical discomfort.

B. There are three drinking parties almost every day, and with so many women, the iron will be exhausted, let alone the people?

So the two people are now the result. In fact, there was a reason 10 years ago. Both of them are not bound by marriage and indulge in their own indulgences. In the metropolis, everyone is an independent individual. Not surprising at all.

Someone once asked me:

Do you think it is okay to have an affair if your X life in marriage is unsatisfactory? (Oh my God, will I get hammered?)

My answer: From a human perspective, it is okay. As early as thousands of years ago, Confucius had already excused men. Food and sex are the nature of men.

But from a legal perspective: marriage is a contract, and after concluding a contract with the other party, both parties should have the spirit of the contract.

Why cheat?

Today’s society is so enlightened. Why do we still have extramarital affairs when we can obviously get divorced? The most typical assumption is that when a person cheats, there is either something wrong with the relationship or something is wrong with the other person. But millions of people can’t all have problems!

The normal logic is that if everything you want can be satisfied at home, there is no need to seek satisfaction elsewhere. Assuming that there is such a thing in a perfect marriage, even a beautiful relationship cannot What about giving? If happy people cheat, why do they do it? Many people are not masters of love. They are ordinary people who insist on monogamy, but they find that they have conflicts in values ??and behaviors. They usually have been faithful for decades, but one day they risk losing everything. Taking the risk and crossing the line that I originally thought I would never cross, what do you want to gain?

Infidelity is a betrayal, but it also expresses a longing and a lack.

The core reason for cheating is that people can find a sense of emotional connection, freshness, freedom, autonomy, sexual intensity, hope to make up for their own shortcomings, or to face the lack and sorrow of life. At this time, the desire and yearning to try to regain vitality.

When we seek the gaze of others, what we usually find is not the partner we are tired of, but someone we ourselves have become. The chance of us finding another partner is not as good as that of finding another ourselves. The probability is high

Contrary to everyone's expectations, for cheating, it is more about desire than sex.

The desire to be noticed, the desire to have extraordinary feelings, the desire Be valued. Even in open relationships, with multiple sexual partners, we can be tempted by some forbidden power, and if we do something we're not supposed to do, it feels like we're doing something we've always wanted to do.

Desire is deep-rooted, betrayal is deep-rooted, but they can all be healed.

Some derailments sound the death knell for a relationship that is already powerless, but some will bring new possibilities after setbacks, turning crises into opportunities.

Every cheating will redefine a relationship, and every couple must decide for themselves the consequences of cheating. Infidelity has existed since ancient times, and it will never be completely eliminated in the future. The dilemma of love and desire will not be resolved by simple answers such as black and white, good and evil, victim and betrayer.

What cheaters are looking for is themselves, the self that is appreciated and loved by others, the self that shines in the eyes of others. People are just looking for a mirror, and that mirror tells you: You are beautiful. You are handsome.

Just like a person wearing a new dress and looking back and forth in front of the mirror, but he is not sure that he is beautiful, so he needs to go to other mirrors and need other mirrors to tell him. Him: You are really beautiful. But this is not enough, he is still not confident, he also needs other mirrors.

People need to constantly prove themselves in such emotional games.

This is also the reason why some men need to conquer countless women or men

Sounds scary, right? But in fact, this is human nature, the nature that everyone has.

We all know the story of Snow White and the Evil Queen. She asked: "Mirror, Mirror, tell me, who is the most beautiful woman in the world?" As long as the magic mirror says, "You, Your Majesty, you are the world." The most beautiful woman." She felt satisfied. When someone is more beautiful than she is, she feels humiliated.

In fact, everyone has an evil queen living in their hearts. We compare ourselves with other women in the world all the time. We also hope that the magic mirror will tell us that we are the most beautiful in the world. woman.

Do you think you are beautiful? This is part of our self-esteem. Self-esteem is the evaluation of oneself that an individual makes and often maintains, expressing an attitude of approval or disapproval of oneself.

It marks an individual's confidence in his or her abilities, identity, achievements and value. In short, self-esteem is a judgment of one's self-worth, expressed through one's attitude towards oneself. So self-esteem refers to my attitude towards myself and my assessment of my self-concept.

Self-esteem consists of two parts: a sense of competence and a sense of worth.

Both are important. Without either, self-esteem will be low.

Professor Taylor of Harvard University believes that there are three levels of self-esteem.

The first level of self-esteem is dependent self-esteem, which depends on the self-esteem evaluated by others;

The second level of self-esteem is independent self-esteem, which depends on one's own self-esteem;

The third level of self-esteem is unconditional self-esteem. It doesn’t even have to be called self-esteem, but a sense of self.

This is a progressive model. Just like climbing a staircase, you must go from the first floor to the second floor, and then from the second floor to the third floor. That is to say, everyone must go through the first level. layer. And, as far as I know, the vast majority of people are stuck at level one - dependent self-esteem.

Therefore, we should get to know this strange "friend" in your body.

From two aspects: sense of value and sense of ability: dependent self-esteem, independent self-esteem, unconditional self-esteem

The sense of value is determined by others, self-determined and natural existence

Ability The sense of interdependence comes from comparison with oneself

For people with dependent self-esteem, their sense of value is determined by others. They like and need the evaluation of others. If I do well in the exam and get praise, I feel great. , conversely, if I am criticized, I will feel terrible and I will be considered an attack.

My life is constantly affected by other people’s thoughts and words, and even what I think others think. I am always thinking about how others see me, as if they are a mirror, as if from them What is reflected is yourself. We use other people's evaluations as our sense of self.

The sense of competence comes from comparison with others. How do I perform compared to others? If I do better than others, I will feel good. If others do better than me, no matter how good or bad they are objectively, I will feel a big blow.

Whether I am beautiful or not is not determined objectively by how I look, but by two aspects.

1. It is decided by others. I ask the mirror who is beautiful rather than deciding by myself. I need others to tell me whether I am beautiful or not. My sense of value comes from the outside.

2. The sense of ability is obtained through comparison. Is there anyone more beautiful than me? Am I more beautiful than that person?

There is an evil queen in everyone's heart. We all compare ourselves with others involuntarily, and we all care about other people's opinions and hope to be praised by others.

Why do people cheat?

Not because of how this marriage is objectively, but because we need to be constantly praised by others, we need to constantly conquer others, and we need a lot of mirrors to tell ourselves: You are beautiful.

The relationship between people is like two apples on a tree. I am a complete apple with core, flesh and skin, and so are you. No matter you are big or small, you are an independent person. Whole apple. What you will look like is your own business. I can only watch and accompany you quietly from the side.

This is a true independent spirit! They are people who have reached the second level. They are people with independent self-esteem.

Their self-evaluation comes from themselves. They will also look in the mirror, but after seeing their own appearance in the mirror, they will evaluate themselves: Well, this is me, good or not, it’s all me. .

They don't need other mirrors to tell themselves what kind of person "I" am. Because I am already a complete apple. They respect their own independence and integrity, so they can respect the independence and integrity of others, just like their daughters.

This is a powerful confidence.

Cheating is indeed common, but we don’t need to be pessimistic about it at all, because those who are truly outstanding and those who have realized themselves will not cheat.

The criterion for judgment is He can respect you, your independence, your thoughts, and your behavior. Not only does he respect you, he also respects the cleaners he meets on the road, the security guards at the door, and the couriers who deliver goods to your door. He respects an 80-year-old man and a 1-year-old child. Everyone is equal. Such people are healthy.

Why do women cheat?

1. Women stay alone in an empty house and are unbearably lonely, especially couples who live apart in different places. Their physical and emotional needs cannot be met during the gap period, so they obtain psychological and physical satisfaction through infidelity.

2. Revenge mentality. Society is very tolerant of men and cheating is easily forgiven by society. This relaxed atmosphere makes women particularly hurt and feel that men have not received the punishment they deserve.

So many women take extreme measures. If you are in the first grade of junior high school, I will be in the fifteenth grade. Moreover, the economic cost of cheating on a woman is basically zero. Be careful, dear friends. You must remember one sentence, there is no woman who cannot cheat. A man, unless he is GAY.

3. Worship of success. Many women worship their bosses or leaders and the power and money in the hands of successful people. Money and power are destructive corrosives. Facing successful men, they Invisibly, these successful men will be given extra points. These men will suddenly become taller and begin to yearn for success. Especially when their own men are depressed, these women will be closer to these successful men in order to obtain success factors, so the financial circle From time to time, there are insights, and I don’t find it surprising at all. Money or power is the driving force for women to take the initiative to seduce these men. This is also the fundamental reason why women are willing to take the initiative to be mistresses before marriage.

This is why it is easy for men with luxury cars to pick up girls, and men with luxury cars actually get it without spending much money. They are eager for success!

4. The influence of the circle of friends, especially the circle of best friends; women’s circle of friends is very important, and they often bring their friends to the realm of their thoughts and consciousness, influencing them subtly.

5. In the absence of emotion, a man may stay by his side, sit there and eat nothing, and do nothing, so that the woman around him cannot feel love or realize the care of his husband. A woman marries a man and marries a man, and only wears clothes and eats. , there are emotional demands, and without warm care, the missing vacancies always need to be filled. If one day someone happens to give her the emotion she needs, the consequences will be a bit scary. Men, it is God's fault, and it is against the law. ; If you do your own evil, you will not live. See if there are any missing parts in your relationship and make up for it quickly!

6. Temptation. There is no temptation in life, and there are traps everywhere. Women are emotional and sometimes easily deceived. So we often see so-and-so pig-killing plate and so-and-so PUA in the news.

There are very few men or women in the world who will never cheat. The only thing is whether the temptation to cheat is strong enough to set a loyalty bottom line. When the temptation is greater than the bottom line, this is when a woman cheats. When a man is better than his husband, treats himself better than his husband, takes care of himself, is humble to himself, and treats himself like a little girl, then someone will surely fall slowly.

A woman told me a story. She had a husband and the relationship was still very good. But one day, a man broke into her life. This man began to tease her and sweet talk her. , she was very disgusted at first, but gradually she got used to it, and as time went by, she actually started to feel uncomfortable if she did not receive messages from this man on a certain day. You can imagine the final result. What is the reason for this? Emotional temptation is still temptation!

7. Unsatisfied sexual desire. In reality, many men's physiological functions or abilities are not enough to meet their wives' sexual needs, or their sexual life does not match, resulting in dissatisfaction with their wives' desires.

This aspect: 1. Improve the diet structure, 2. Strengthen physical exercise, 3. Change body positions, 4. Strengthen foreplay, 5. Hospital treatment, 6. Use sex toys, etc.

8. With an open mind, these women mainly focus on pleasure. They believe that sex is not an important moral tool, but an ordinary means of entertainment, so they can let it go but cannot hold it back, but this is not the case. The end result for all women will not be good.

China has the highest infidelity rate in the world. How did we lose our respect for marriage?

About every three husbands and every 7.5 wives in China have an affair.

Qian Zhongshu said something in "The Besieged City": "Marriage does not require great love. Not hating each other is enough for marriage.

When dating, weigh When we were married, we pursued each other's conditions.

You have three bedrooms and two living rooms, and I have an SUV;

You are a civil servant, and I have a career editor;

You have a history of short marriage, I am divorced and have no children;

You are fair-skinned, beautiful and young, and I am of medium build, healthy and have no bad habits...

Conditions to meet Conditions, identity meet identity, resources meet resources... As for "who am I" and "whether we love each other", that is irrelevant.

Even if this is the most important thing in marriage.

Suiming said that only 30% of Chinese couples really love each other, and the remaining 70% do not love each other at all.

However, they get married as usual. When time comes, infinite compromises to conditions will eventually prove: A hasty start will inevitably lead to a painful process.

If no one loves it, how can we have the motivation to correct ourselves?

It’s too difficult.

Therefore, after the passion cools down, the couple will neglect communication, quarrel constantly, demean each other, and become indifferent.

The process is too painful and love is too lacking. , and the marriage cannot end, many people will cheat.

Marriage is a lonely place of practice

On August 8, 2016, artist Yang Ye Xin created a large-scale performance art called "Lonely Sofa" on the streets of Shanghai. At the scene, hundreds of double sofas were lined up.

A woman in pajamas stood. On the double sofa, they held slogans and spoke to the world.

They symbolize the women who are looking forward to the return of their husbands.

In this way, they express their gratitude to the absent. The husband spoke:

They said: “Do you want me or your BOSS? ”

“I don’t want a brand-name bag, I just want your hug.” ”

Behind all the words, there is a deep and bottomless loneliness.

And what about the husband? He is also lonely.

There is a person with love , in the name of responsibility, they will forcefully prune you, or slowly penetrate you, causing you to constantly transfer your rights and become beyond recognition.

You must be able to be a domineering president, and you must be able to turn into a gentle little wolfdog in an instant, when you are needed. , and can appear at your wife's side immediately like a courier.

Family unity is the first priority. For this reason, you must restrain yourself and eliminate all temperaments that hinder family harmony.

From now on, everything you say and do must take into account the feelings of another person. Otherwise, it is selfish, willful, and incompetent.

The difference is that what the wife feels is the loneliness of not being accompanied.

What the husband feels is the loneliness of not being understood.

And we lack necessary communication.

Everyone stands in their own minds, unable to get out, and the other party cannot get in. The words are rolling around, but in the end, they are all angry or sad talking to themselves.

In the end, apart from endless internal fighting and a closed life, what is left is two desperate hearts.

When there is no close communication between two people, no comparison of souls, and no daily companionship and sex, "we" gradually become "you" and "you". I".

No longer one, people will instinctively look outside for someone who can see them.

Inability to Divorce

Divorce is hard.

House prices remain high, mortgages are heavy, and child support, education fees, tutoring fees, entertainment expenses, travel expenses, and various miscellaneous expenses are all staggeringly high.

There are also cars, household registration, job promotions, meager wages, skyrocketing prices, various taxes, inescapable competition, class consolidation, survival pressure... no matter which word is mentioned, it is all Breathless.

If there is no one to support you, it will be too difficult to rely on yourself.

Unless you have a high monthly salary, extraordinary income, and can cope with it easily, most couples will bow to financial pressure

Therefore, those who have the capital to divorce are trying to divorce , or already divorced.

If you don’t have the capital to divorce, you will always have such a consuming marriage. Of course, pain and depression, pain and depression, will inevitably breed distortion and deformation.

Distortion may be domestic violence and verbal violence.

And deformation may be cheating.

Another situation is that the couple is worried that the child will never have a father or a mother, and they are unable to provide better care for the child, so they always make do with it.

We all know that the solutions to any conflicts and troubles are sparing - communication, therapy, divorce, not blocking - staying in the marriage, sulking and holding back the fire.

Blockage will only create more conflicts and more troubles. For example, one-night stands, having a mistress, having a mistress...

Behind these phenomena, there is a hidden message: cheating is too convenient.

The openness of ideas, the convenience of cheating, and the convenience of dating all ensure that as long as you want to cheat, you can find a partner.

And its price is very high for celebrities, but very small for ordinary people.

The cost is small, the price is small, the temptation is big, and the return is big, it is a very cost-effective transaction.

So one after another married people are on the road to cheating.

Sexless marriage, too much pressure, seeking excitement, lack of security... can all lead to infidelity.

When morality declines, when the cost of cheating is low, when you can easily have a relationship with someone other than your husband or wife, when extramarital affairs can be avoided without punishment, an era of cheating is bound to come.

In this era, we will gradually and unconsciously lose our respect for marriage.

We will start with enthusiasm and end with nothing but chicken feathers.

When he is unfaithful, he will say without any guilt: I just made a mistake that all men make

I remember there was such a story in "Time" magazine Story,

A seriously ill mother said to her children when she was leaving, "Children do not want a divorce if you are not ready to be faithful."

She is over 10 years old The 30-year-old child asked doubtfully, "But mother, the world is fickle."

The mother said, "Then leave before you are disloyal. You are free."

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Postscript

When I first started writing, I was very excited when I saw my friend. After hearing her story, I was so moved that I couldn’t help but write about marriage and infidelity. Behind it was bloody, heavy and depressing. I feel like I will lose faith in human nature if I go on. Finally, I wish everyone finds what they love and meets the love of their lives.

Are you the one I'm waiting for? I've been waiting for you for a long time, why haven't you come yet?

Finally, I would like to end with one sentence: I would like to meet someone who can share a house with two people, three meals for four seasons, four hands, three places and two hearts for a lifetime.