The baby spoiled by the old man was corrected by me in three months. I used this psychological trick.

This is a "theory+practice" post, hoping to give some inspiration to those precious parents who are troubled by their children's bad temper.

Let me talk about the background first:

My little monkey is four and a half years old, almost five years old.

After the little monkey was born, his father and I both went to work. In order to keep the little monkey around, we invited grandma to Beijing to take care of the little monkey.

Grandma is very considerate and takes good care of the little monkey's life, but grandma also likes to do everything, so his father and I can't get involved at ordinary times.

The little monkey is very close to his grandmother. Since he was weaned at the age of one, he has been following his grandmother day and night, but he is not very close to me and his father. In order to maintain a harmonious relationship, his father and I both know that the elderly will spoil their children, but in order to take care of the emotions of the elderly, we chose to let go.

Then the problem is coming.

The so-called "laziness will come back one day" is absolutely true.

When the little monkey was almost four years old, he went to kindergarten. Grandma went back to her hometown to take care of another little granddaughter. Dad Bao and I officially took over the responsibility of taking care of the little monkey ~

Then I found that I couldn't get along with the little monkey at all, because he was a "mace" with a smelly, hard and prickly temper, which was even more difficult to serve than his ancestors.

Between us and the little monkey, we often fall into all kinds of inexplicable "wars", and it is still a protracted war.

Classic scene 1:

Monkey: Mom, bring me water!

Me: You are all grown up. You have to do your own thing. Help yourself!

Monkey: No, I want you to take it!

Me: Help yourself!

Monkey: No, I want you to take it ~

Then, there is endless crying and rolling.

Classic scene 2:

Monkey: Mom, I want a car.

Me: Didn't we just buy a car?

Monkey: No, I just want a red car, just like others.

Me: Buy it another day. Look, it's too late today, the supermarkets are closed, and it's still raining outside ~

Monkey: no, I want to buy it now. You have to buy it for me now ~

Then, there is endless crying and rolling.

Don't try it twice with a little monkey. It's not a mace. Besides "I want", "I want" and "right away", the little monkey has many strange behaviors.

Classic scene 3:

Once, when the little monkey came home from school, I rode my bike to carry him. When he got home, he left a small toy picked up from the ground in his hand. I rode a long way out, but the little monkey insisted that I stop and go back and pick it up. I was so angry that I didn't know why I had to pick up such a broken thing, but I thought that maybe the child really liked it, so I pushed him back to pick it up. Then, actually only a few steps away from the door, I stopped cycling and pushed the car back to the door of the unit.

Unexpectedly, the little monkey quit again He insisted that I go back to the place where I picked things up, ride my bike home, and hit me with my little hand. I was so angry that I came up after a while.

I angrily picked up the little monkey from the car. As soon as the car fell, I didn't look back and had to go upstairs by myself. The little monkey grabbed my clothes and cried and dragged me back. At this time, two old ladies came over and looked at me with strange eyes, like a vicious stepmother abusing her stepson, but obviously I was the victim!

This is not the most excessive, the most excessive is yet to come!

Classic scene 4:

Once, when I was a little monkey coming home from kindergarten, I took him on the way to the community and a car came behind me. I pulled the little monkey hard, pulled him to the side of the road, and said to him, go aside, or you will be hit by a car. I'm a little anxious.

Who knows, the little monkey is actually excited. When he saw a car coming slowly ahead, he broke away from my hand and tried to hit the car straight. He also said bitterly as he walked, "I like being hit by a car, hum!" "

My heart was so cold, I thought, I shouldn't have been born a fool, should I?

These are the "heroic deeds" of the little monkey "mace". On the other hand, his heroic deeds went to the sea, far more than that, but these are just typical scenes ~

In view of these situations, I usually have three ways to deal with them: first, I let go and compromise; Second, after his father slapped him, I relented and compromised; Third, if it is really unsatisfactory, it will be hot and cold.

However, both hot noise and cold treatment have disadvantages. Once or twice, I insisted on making the little monkey cry, but the little monkey actually cried for more than an hour, and finally cried for a while, almost choking, which made me feel distressed. Finally, the matter was solved, because I took out a new toy and diverted my attention. After that, I won't use this method. As a family education practitioner, I think this method is too simple and rude, which hurts my feelings. There is no way to fundamentally solve the problem.

Then how can we fundamentally solve the problem? In order to find the answer, I learned a lot about psychology and pedagogy. Finally, I got some inspiration from psychology.

Why are children so stubborn that they play tricks on others? As far as I can see the theory, combined with my observation of little monkeys, there are two reasons:

First, his needs and will have been neglected or suppressed for a long time, so he defended his sovereignty and needs in a hysterical way.

Second, he is not sure whether his parents love him or not, so he confirms that you love him again and again in a deliberately disruptive way.

Later, I reflected on the way we treated the little monkey and found that both of them actually won.

The reason why the little monkey's "I want" and "I want" are so intense is really related to the fact that we used to deliberately ignore his needs and will.

Grandma often unconsciously "forces" him when she takes him. For example, he doesn't want to eat every meal. Grandma is still feeding him bite by bite. Sometimes, he makes it clear that he won't eat. When he doesn't pay attention to playing with toys, grandma will take a bite of food and send it to his mouth. After he habitually eats it, he will be particularly angry when he finds something wrong.

In addition, grandma often wets him at night, and he won't stop until he has finished peeing. After many fruitless struggles, he had to squeeze out a few drops of urine in order to "complete the task" as soon as possible.

His father and I are the same here. Sometimes he wants me to play something with him, and we just perfunctory, "hmm", "ah", "not bad" and "for a while" because we are all looking at our mobile phones; Sometimes he wants me to do something for him. Because I am too lazy to move, I will find an excuse to prevaricate. "That thing is not fun, let's stop playing." "Mom's leg hurts a little today. I'll help you tomorrow!"

It is these things that make the little monkey discover that neither grandma nor mom and dad will take his needs seriously. Only by making a scene in a particularly extreme way can we pay attention to him and respect him.

This is why the little monkey will become a mace, not because he wants to be like that, but because we shaped him like that!

That thing has come to this. What should I do as a mother?

Later, I combined the psychological knowledge I learned and slowly explored a set of coping methods:

1. Not too much for children. What can be satisfied immediately is satisfied immediately.

For example, sometimes the little monkey will let me play with him in the car, or draw pictures, or pinch colored mud. If I don't have other important things, even if I want to play with my mobile phone again, I will endure and play with him for a while.

Sometimes, it's late, and he still wants to hear stories. I will hold back my complaints, make an appointment with him to tell another story to bed, and then tell him affectionately.

Once, I took a little monkey home by bike. Just arrived at the door of the unit. The little monkey is unhappy, but he just won't get off. He said, "You ride too slowly, I want to ride fast, so you back me up ~" I wanted to get angry at first, but on second thought, he wanted to ride a faster bike. Yes, but I think it's troublesome, not too much. So, I immediately turned around and said to him, "Let's go, mom will take you for a ride." Strangely, after I said these things, the little monkey didn't insist. As soon as my car turned around, he climbed down from the back seat himself.

Do you want those children to be satisfied with what they know they can do but you have to do? My point is that you can satisfy him, but tell him that you help him because you love him, and love is mutual. You helped him this time, and I hope he can help you next time.

For example, little monkeys sometimes like to "order" me. It is obvious that the water cup is nearby, and he can get there in two steps. He just won't move. Let me get it for him. If I don't take it at this time, it will trigger another parent-child war. The way I handle it now is that I will happily bring it to him, but after I finish it, I will say to him, "I helped you with the water glass." Will you thank me? " The little monkey will say "thank you" shyly, and I will go on to say "will you hold it for me next time?" Little monkey: "OK".

2. For some people who can't meet their needs immediately, the curve saves the country and meets them in another way.

For example, one night, it was raining outside, and the little monkey suddenly said that he wanted to buy a "guardrail" (a toy) and "immediately". I explained it to him and told him that it was raining outside and it was late. The supermarket was closed, but he didn't listen and kept making noise. Later, I had a brainwave and said to him, "Why didn't Mom make a guardrail for you? Mom made it much cooler than what she bought. "

Then, I used cardboard and glue sticks to paste the following things.

The little monkey played happily for a long time and never mentioned buying a guardrail again.

Another time, the little monkey wanted to eat ice cream at night. He has already eaten one at noon. I thought this could not be compromised, so I insisted on telling him, "I can't eat any more, my stomach will hurt." How can a child care so much? He still cried and said to me, "I like stomachache ~"

I'm so angry that I'm going crazy, but on second thought, every time I say "I'll fall asleep after watching my mobile phone for five minutes", I don't do it. If you can't do it yourself, don't make it difficult for your child.

So I said to him, "if you really want to eat, we can eat a small piece today, but we agreed not to eat tomorrow." It will hurt your stomach if you eat it tomorrow! " My family bought some ice cream specially for the children, each of which was very small. ) The little monkey agreed. He ate a small piece. The next day, he really didn't want ice cream, although the third day he began to want it again.

3. For the requirements that are really unsatisfied, or the child is unreasonable, tell him repeatedly the reasons why he can't satisfy him and allow him to be angry for a while. When he is angry, hug him, pat him, and be reasonable afterwards.

One day when he came home from school, the little monkey suddenly made a scene and said that he was going to grandma's house. He "had to leave at once." Grandma is in Hebei. Obviously, this requirement can't be met in any case.

So I repeatedly told him, "Grandma's house is too far away, and we won't be able to go back until the weekend or long vacation. Now it's so late, we can't go back ~ "Of course, the little monkey didn't listen, and kept making noise and hitting me with his little fist.

At that moment, there was an impulse to go straight to the forehead. I really want to kick his foot! But I held back. I know kicking his foot won't solve the problem.

Later, while explaining, I squatted down, patted him on the back and hugged him gently. I stayed up for a little while anyway. Later, his mood gradually calmed down (maybe he was exhausted). After calming down, I immediately shouted and played happily. The speed of emotional switching is comparable to that of Sichuan opera, as if what happened just now had never happened, and I stayed where I worked hard.

Of course, you can't be so humble every time. Bear with it, children can't go to heaven. The next night, I took the initiative to mention yesterday's incident to him and said, "You hit me many times yesterday. Do you remember when you hit me, I was very sad! " Although the little monkey didn't say anything on his face, he was obviously a little shocked.

I continued, "Next time you are angry, you can't hit your mother, ok?" If you are particularly angry, you can tear the paper you drew or hit your pillow, but you can't hit anyone, okay? Because it's so sad to hit people. "The little monkey had a good time and naturally agreed. After he promised, I also pulled a hook with him, which was a small agreement.

After so many repeated reminders and appointments, the little monkey sometimes sticks out his fist to hit me when he is angry, but he is obviously restrained and has some scruples. The strength with which he punched me was basically equivalent to "flirting".

One more thing impressed me. One morning, I dragged my little monkey to the kindergarten on foot. On the way, I met my little friend who often played with him. The two little guys had a fierce "competition" and both wanted to run to school first. As a result, just after a few steps, the little friend took the lead and the little monkey quit. He stopped in the middle of the road and began to cry. While crying, he patted me with his hand and asked me to hold him and beat my little friend. At that time, my head "exploded" and I felt like I was going to explode. I really want to slap him twice, and then say to him, "What are you angry at me for?" But I held back, because as I said before, it was useless. This will only make him more and more angry and take it out on me.

Later, I changed my strategy. I picked him up and tried to move forward as fast as I could, but after all, I didn't run as fast as the little guy. When I arrived at the school gate, my little friend had already entered the door. The little monkey refused to enter the door and was still angry with me. As for me, I didn't fight back. I just took him aside and patted him on the back. "Let's come out early tomorrow and beat everyone, shall we?" After hugging for a minute or two, his mood calmed down a little, and then I said to him, "If you don't go in now, other friends will overtake you later!" He just walked into the school by himself and stopped crying when he left.

Let me explain to you the principles of these three strategies. They do not come from my mind, but from my psychological knowledge. We are often in a dilemma in conflicts, either compromise or confrontation, but in fact we can have a "third choice". These strategies boil down to one sentence: in the face of conflict with children, please bypass the predicament and choose the "third way".

In the past, the way we handled problems was like the picture below (please ignore my soul painting skills).

We stood opposite the children, face to face. At this time, you have only two choices: compromise or no compromise. But whether you compromise or not, it is a sad ending, because if you win, you will break your child's heart, but if you lose, you will break your own heart.

Now, the way I deal with the problem is like the picture below.

To avoid confrontation with the child, I went around behind him and hugged him from behind. I don't care if I compromise. I care about his mood, why he has emotions, and what I can do for his mood. To this end, we have no war, and my children and I are no longer obsessed with "winning." The child thinks that I understand him and tolerate him, so that his emotions can be calmed down faster, and I also enjoy the peace after the child's emotions are calmed down.

I have practiced these strategies for three or four months, and I think the little monkey has changed a lot.

The first change is that he is no longer too persistent and persistent about many ideas.

For example, once, when I was washing clothes in the bathroom, the little monkey suddenly shouted to me in the living room: "Mom, I want to watch the video of the express train. Please play it for me. " I answered him, "I'm washing clothes. Wait till I'm done, okay? " The little monkey readily agreed, replied, "All right", and then continued to play with his toy car.

Another time, before going to bed at night, I told him the picture book twice, and he asked me to tell it again. I told him, "We can't sleep any more. Let's turn off the lights first. You lie down, I won't tell you again without a book. " I wouldn't have done this before, but this time he readily agreed. As a result, people turned off the lights and didn't talk for long, so they fell asleep.

The second change, the little guy actually began to say "love words" to me.

One night, before going to bed, we all turned off the lights and lay down. I patted him gently with one hand. The little monkey suddenly owed his upper body, and two small hands took my forehead and kissed it, saying, "Mom, thank you for bringing me a happy day." God, I was heartbroken. It was at that moment that I suddenly felt that my little monkey was a "cotton candy". Not only gentle, but also sweet.

In fact, it is not surprising that the little monkey said so. In the past, in order to make the little monkey feel unconditional love, I would kiss his forehead every time before going to bed, and then say to him, "Thank you, my little baby, for coming to our home, for being the child of mom and dad, and for bringing us happiness and happiness." You are our lucky little angel ~ "When I said this, I was actually myself. After chatting for a while, I saw that the little monkey had no other reaction except a little shyness. Later, I didn't insist. Through this incident, I found that I still have to insist on sowing "love" in my children's hearts, because maybe one day, "love" will sprout.

Has the little monkey changed completely after this period of time? Actually, it's not. Little monkeys often switch back and forth between "mace" and "marshmallows". Between him and me, we will still fall into the initial "war" from time to time. Sometimes the little monkey will lose his temper endlessly, and I will occasionally regret it after yelling at him. But this "out of control" scene has become less and less.

Of course, my little monkey is still young, and his temper and personality are easily changed. If the child is older, are these methods still useful? I think it is useful. I remember there is a story in the book Seven Habits of Efficient Families: Bamboo has hardly changed in the first two years after you plant it, but it will grow to more than two meters in the third year as long as you keep supplying it with nutrition and taking good care of it. In fact, bamboo has not grown in the past two years, but you can't see the roots that grow below the ground. The same is true of raising children. You gave him so much love and understanding. Maybe he didn't respond for a while, but when the time comes, a miracle will appear!

The above theoretical and psychological knowledge is referenced from The Gardener and the Carpenter, which every child needs to read, and the third choice.

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