What are some funny jokes that make people laugh until their stomach hurts?

1. Today, the office network suddenly failed to connect. The boss was discussing setting up an IP with a male colleague. The male colleague walked to the HR lady’s computer and set it up for a long time. The boss got impatient and shouted: Have you set it up? The male colleague replied: Soon, soon.

2. I had a conflict with my wife and started fighting. As a result, I was admitted to the hospital. A friend and an old man were comforting me. The old man said: "Young man, this is all good for you. Last time I saw a young man beaten like a mummy by his wife." I just want to say: "Uncle, last time I saw a young man beaten like a mummy by his wife." That’s me too.”

3. The leader’s wife gave birth to twins and posted the news on the group, and everyone expressed congratulations. In order to quickly attract the leader's attention, I quickly increased the font size to the largest size and started typing: Congratulations, you gave birth to twins! When typing the word "twin", I hurriedly pressed SBT to send it out, but the screen showed "dead pervert"! It’s three words big, and it’s still bold! The whole group suddenly became quiet...

4. I just went to eat and saw tea eggs. I thought that I was already running for the third year and was about to graduate and I hadn’t eaten tea eggs yet. I felt so cruel. He gritted his teeth and stamped his feet and asked how much it would cost. The boss actually said: "We are not selling it, we are using it to show off our wealth!"

5. I have been dating my boyfriend for more than half a year. One day I asked him: You said we got married, what happened after marriage? What are the days like? Boyfriend: an idiom. Me: Could it be that the husband sings and the wife follows? The boyfriend said with a lewd smile: Day after day.

6. I went home and took an iPad and said to my grandma: "Grandma, look, you can read on it." Grandma was very surprised, took the iPad, looked at it, and then licked her fingers. Go and turn the page.

7. "Mom, listen, the little plum next door changed the '1' on the report card to a '5'. His mother found out and is scolding her severely!" That kid is really shameless, don’t be like that, right?” “His SB, I’m not as stupid as him! You can see it even if you change it to 5, I only changed it to ‘4’!” /p>

8. My roommate went to buy clothes. The boss offered 599, but he told others and took 70. What should I do? The boss said okay, I'll sell it to you for 70. Then he took out a 100 piece and showed it to the boss. At this time, the boss said proudly, "You can't get a 100 piece. If you take another one, I will feel bad all over."

9. A fat man went out and got on a bus. The car was crowded with people, and the fat man finally found a seat. Unexpectedly, not long after he sat down, an old man appeared in front of him. Seeing the old man stumbling, the fat man quickly got up, supported the old man with both hands and prepared to give up his seat. Unexpectedly, the uncle held him down and shouted: "Young man, don't move, you stand up and take up more space!"

10. When I take my daughter out to play, she always wants me to buy this. I didn’t even buy that one. It’s not good to become a habit. I told her, you have to listen to your parents. What your parents said is reasonable. She replied, “Then your mother asked you to buy something for me.” Why didn't you listen to me?

11. A child went to the shop downstairs to buy a drink. The shopkeeper gave him a bottle, and then the child said he had no money. The shopkeeper angrily threatened: "If you don't have money, go to your mother!" The child was so frightened that the bottle cap dropped to the ground. Picked it up and took a look: another bottle! So he gave the bottle cap to the shopkeeper and left happily. The shopkeeper was left confused...

12. A doctor said to the patient: "I have bad news and worse news. Which one do you want to hear?" The patient said: "Then the bad news. Come on!" The doctor said, "The test report is out, you can live for 24 hours." The patient collapsed and said, "That's even worse news!" The doctor said, "I've been looking for you since yesterday. I found you. "Patient: "..."

13. The high school organizes measles vaccination. In winter, boys and girls wear thicker clothes in the same room. Maybe it’s inconvenient to get the injection, so I need to take off my coat. Several of our buddies were queuing up, and I saw the female monitor of my class taking off her sweater gorgeously, revealing her bra. This was not a highlight. I still can’t understand why her bra was on. Will be worn outside the sweater.

14. Today, my best friend and I went to a buffet. Our goal was to eat until we could help us out. Then we ordered a lot of dishes, and then we almost couldn’t eat anymore. My second best friend said that I should go to the WC and come back. After that, I was surprised to find that she could still eat. Later I found out that she had taken off her bra. She said that her breasts still felt full after taking off her bra. I knelt down.

15. One day, Xiaoli’s father hired a tutor for Xiaoli. After a few days, Xiaoli’s father wanted to know how Xiaoli was doing, so he asked her what three plus two equals? Xiaoli thought for a while but didn't say anything. The teacher stretched out five fingers on the side. Xiaoli's eyes lit up when she saw it and said: "Paws!"

16. The neighbor’s sister-in-law said: “On the day of her wedding, her mother-in-law’s family asked her to secretly put on her husband’s shoes and walk around the house twice while her husband was asleep. My husband will always obey her!” Me: "Then did you wear it?" Sister-in-law said: "Of course I have to wear it!" Me: "Then what was the result?" Sister-in-law: "As a result, I got severe athlete's foot from his smelly shoes!"

17. Several people in the office discussed what is the highest state of Silk. Some people say they don’t go out for half a year while playing games, and some people say they haven’t talked to a girl for more than 20 years. Just after discussing this, Xiao Ming, who was suffering from a cold, stood up and wiped his nose, "You guys are so boring!" Then he threw the tissue paper accurately to the Walked away from the small trash can two meters away. Everyone was stunned instantly!

18. I went out to take a taxi in the morning. I squatted on the ground with a stomachache. A child stood beside me for a long time and said: Lift your head and let me see your beauty...

19. I went to the canteen to eat today. A pair of lovers on the left were feeding each other mouthfuls of food. I turned around and looked at a couple on the right. Damn, they are bullying me for not having a girlfriend! My roommate saw that I was very unhappy, so he put a piece of potato in front of my mouth and smiled. I understood instantly, slowly bit it into my mouth, and then fed him a piece of fish. After a minute, there was no one around, and there were still people. Pointing the phone at the two of us from 15 meters away... it was so fun!

20. A first-rate or second-rate friend played Immortal Way in an Internet cafe for two dollars and a half an hour. He played for more than an hour, and then got off the computer to settle the score for four and a half dollars. The cashier asked him if he didn't have fifty cents, could he get a lollipop? He said it was only fifty cents. The cashier said: I'll give you a piece of it. When he got one piece, he handed the money to the cashier and said: Give me two lollipops...

21. A true horror story: I heard that as long as you wake up at one o'clock in the morning Wear black clothes and stand in front of the mirror with a comb and comb your hair twenty-four times. What will you see? Answer: "Dandruff!"

22. A rich, handsome friend always wanted to find true love. He got a girlfriend who rode a shabby motorcycle all day long for two months. One day he wanted to give his girlfriend a better life. On his birthday, he drove his BMW Z4 to his girlfriend's house and leaned on the car to wait for her. When his girlfriend came out, her first words to him were: Don't lean on other people's cars. If you get scratched, you'll have to pay a lot of money. Woolen cloth!

23. I took the bus today. At the departure station, everyone was queuing up to get on the bus. Suddenly a buddy jumped in line, I grabbed him and shouted: "Go to the back of the queue!" He said: "Hey, you still stick to your principles, I..." "What are you doing, get lost." It's raining I didn't have time to talk nonsense with him, I just wanted to swear. At this time, the buddy said: "I am the driver...the driver...the machine..."

24. There are many test papers on the weekend, and there is a boy who is more troublesome. When he handed in the test paper on Monday, he didn't write a word, and he wasn't in a hurry. Before class, he rubbed the paper hard and then tore it up. In class, the teacher asked: "Why didn't you hand in the test paper?" He cried so sadly: "I didn't do my homework yesterday, so my mother tore up my homework and didn't let me go to school. I ran out to school secretly today.

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25. A certain girl signed on WeChat and gave me cigarettes but not fire. She was just teasing me! You understand, let’s meet when it comes to girls? A certain girl actually agreed! After the meeting, a certain girl said : “Where are we going? " A certain gentleman: "Where is what going? Here, lighter, light up the cigarette quickly."

26. Yesterday, I went to the museum with a second-rate friend. I was looking at the pots and pans left by my ancestors when I heard a banging sound. The second-rate friend put the A piece of porcelain was broken, and the tour guide exclaimed that it was a jade from 500 years ago. The second porcelain said calmly: "I was shocked, I thought it was new!" ”

27. Today I saw my ex-girlfriend (a gold digger) post: I’m pregnant! Congratulations! I commented: I’m finally a father! Until now, a man has joined me. Do you think I did the right thing?

28. When I was working in the community this morning, I saw a mother holding a little girl, who happened to be facing me. I just glanced at it, and who knew that the mother had locked the child's legs together in an instant?

29. My wife asked me: "Do men always judge the price of their wives based on their quality?" The better the wife, the more money a man is willing to spend? "I said: "Yes. My wife looked at me and said, "We also spent a lot when we got married, right?" "I nodded. My wife suddenly became happy. I took a long breath and said: My wife is priced based on "quality", and her parents are beautiful. You are pricing based on "quantity", and I will give you the calculation. Weight!

30. An old man opened a hotel next to the school, and the business was booming. He asked the students and guests, why are you staying in the hotel? So to improve the quality, the old man added desks and blackboard facilities. Business is getting hotter...

31. Three steps to pursue a girl: 1. Lower your body 2. Be shameless 3. Give in to her, for example: I humbly ask the goddess. : “If there were only me and a dog left in the world, who would you choose? The goddess hesitated: "I choose you." I replied shamelessly: "Well, I like you too." The goddess was irritated: "Then I choose the dog!" "I cleared my throat and said three very lethal words to her in a clear and eloquent tone: "Woof woof woof!" ”

32. This morning, I met my former boss and said to him with a smile: “Good morning, boss!” I really want to thank you. If you had not fired me, I would not be living such a good life of leisure and comfort, getting something for nothing. "The boss also smiled and said you're welcome, and then threw a dollar into the bowl in front of me.

33. New drivers are not used to being on the road and become nervous when driving long distances. A student was driving in the countryside. On the small road, the coach sitting in the passenger seat saw a dog running along the right side of the road. It looked like he was about to cross the road, so he said, "Look, the dog in front of me is going to turn left." "The intention was to ask the student to drive slower, but he acted as if he hadn't heard it. When he approached the dog, it happened to be crossing the road, and the instructor hurriedly stepped on the brakes. He angrily scolded the student, "Why don't you step on the brakes? You turned a deaf ear to my words. ah? "The student replied innocently: "Turn left and go straight."